Law and Peace (23 page)

 

 

Thursday 24 April 2008

Year 2 (week 30): Selling off Scotland

 

‘If you ask me, the only way we're going to solve this whole credit crunch thing is to sell off Scotland.'

OldSmoothie was holding court once again at chambers tea yesterday afternoon. ‘Oh, and all of its politicians as well, particularly the ones lording it over us down here. Yes, just stick it on e-bay and see what it fetches. Should be enough to pay for Northern Rock.'

‘Well, a stick of Northern Rock at least,' said HeadofChambers.

BusyBody stepped into the ring. ‘Turn off the broken record, OldSmoothie, or at least start playing a different tune.' Then her tone changed and she added, ‘Though I'm sure the police would be interested to hear about your incitement to racial hatred in front of, hmm . . .' she counted the people in the room, ‘. . . twelve upstanding witnesses.'

This clearly surprised OldSmoothie and the advantage was then rammed home by UpTights who added, ‘Yes, particularly if it were reported to a certain Scottish policeman who I just happen to know is based in Charing Cross Police Station . . .' she suddenly had an even madder glint than usual in her eye and her voice began to rise towards a screech ‘. . . and who just happens to bear a grudge against you for making a fool of him in the witness box.'

From the look that passed between UpTights and BusyBody, I shudder to think where they might take this.

 

 

Friday 25 April 2008

Year 2 (week 30): Nuclear option

 

Now I'm really worried. We still haven't managed to find WhistleBlower and today I discovered that TopFlirt is also inexplicably uncontactable, which I can't believe is a coincidence given our proximity to trial. If this weren't bad enough, I also received another letter from the Bar Standards Board warning me that if I was not prepared for them to hear the complaint made about the alleged insider dealing, then they would have to pass it on immediately to the FSA.

Finding myself between a rock and a hard place I have decided to take the gamble and stick to the Bar Standards. This means that I will definitely have to start implementing a little contingency plan I've been quietly cooking up, although it will remain very much a last resort ‘nuclear option'. The problem is I still haven't quite figured out every detail of it yet. In the meantime, I wrote back to the Bar Standards asking them to delay the hearing until the Moldy litigation is finished, since that will allow for any issues that might be relevant to TopFirst's allegations to be decided by the judge. If the Bar Standards Board agree, then it will buy me some time with rat face.

 

 

Monday 28 April 2008

Year 2 (week 31): An offer

 

Despite the sabre rattling of a couple of weeks ago between OldSmoothie and UpTights, I was surprised to hear today that an offer has nonetheless been made. However, it is for £5,000 per claimant, which is tiny in comparison to the size of the claim and is clearly intended to buy off the litigation. Slippery and OldSmoothie were discussing what to do with the offer at our meeting this morning.

‘Well obviously we'll reject it. Accept now and you can wave goodbye to the sort of fees we've been talking about,' OldSmoothie declared.

‘My thoughts exactly,' said Slippery.

I was a little confused by this. ‘But don't we have to take our clients' instructions before making this decision?'

OldSmoothie and Slippery looked at each other and smiled. Then Slippery looked back at me and said, ‘BabyB, let me assure you. I know you like to have every “i” dotted and “t” crossed, but you can be certain that I have taken all the instructions I need.'

With that I was dismissed from their presence. In practical terms, what this means is that if we recover £5,000 or less per claim then we won't be getting any of the further costs that are now likely to be run up.

 

 

Tuesday 29 April 2008

Year 2 (week 31): Virtual assistants

 

‘Get with the programme Nursery, it's all about virtual assistants these days. Don't forget, that's the answer to any cost-saving issue at the moment.'

It was SlipperySlope showing off in front of his niece because I was there.

‘What are they?' I asked, politely following his lead.

Nursery turned to me, full of smug cleverness and said condescendingly, ‘Don't you know? Half our work is done by them these days.'

Slippery took over, ‘Help from afar, BabyB. It's globalisation working for us. We hire top PhD students from India and China at four pounds an hour and then bill out their work at two hundred and fifty pounds an hour. In fact, I'm surprised you don't have one. If I was in your shoes, I'd have them trained to do my phone hearings and to provide online back-up at court.'

Then he took a card and handed it to me. ‘Any time you need some research, you just give this number a call and they'll have it done for you within the day. With that kind of service why on earth would we hire in this country?' He looked at Nursery and then added, ‘That is, unless we're related of course.'

Nursery didn't quite know whether this was an insult or a fond remark, which left her screwing her face and madly smiling at the same time.

‘Oh come on, Nursery,' said Slippery. ‘Get yourself a sense of humour and stop grinning like a cat eating . . .' He paused and then said, ‘Ooh, BabyB, mustn't swear in front of the more precious half of the profession, now must we? Let's just say that when the cat's finished there's no need to scoop the poop.'

 

 

Wednesday 30 April 2008

Year 2 (week 31): In my dreams

 

OldRuin collared me as I was walking into chambers this morning and we went for coffee together.

‘BabyB, am I right in thinking that your friend Claire is becoming quite an expert in judicial review cases at the moment?'

‘Definitely. She's really starting to shine.'

He paused and looked a little hesitant before saying, ‘I don't wish to seem pushy at all but given how important this hospital case is, would you possibly mind if I were to ask her to get involved?'

‘To replace me?' I asked.

‘Er, no, actually. To work with you as my co-juniors.'

I imagine I looked a little stunned at the thought of having to talk to Claire.

‘I know it might be difficult for you and I wouldn't ask if I didn't think it would help . . .'

‘Of course, OldRuin,' I replied. ‘If you think it'll help.'

‘Thank you, BabyB. I really think it will.'

Then he changed the subject completely. ‘What would be your dream life, BabyB?'

‘I've no idea,' I replied. ‘But I guess it'd have to involve having financial security for my mother. Maybe paying off her debts, getting her a bigger house.'

‘And what would you be doing?'

‘I don't know. I never imagined I'd be a barrister but I can't imagine doing anything else now that I'm here. It sounds sad but the security thing's the only bit I'd change.'

‘Will you grant me a wish, BabyB?'

‘Of course. What?'

‘That you try to stop making plans and start dreaming again. Dream like you were a child once more.' He hesitated before adding, ‘Boundless.'

I've no doubt that I looked more than a little perplexed and in a voice only just above a whisper he said, ‘It's in the everyday that you forge your character.' Again he looked at me, this time a little wistfully before finishing with, ‘But it's your dreams that give it shape.'

Chapter 8

 

 

M
ay
: B
rainWasher

Thursday 1 May 2008

Year 2 (week 31): Trial

 

First day of trial today and TopFirst arrived at court this morning looking particularly smug. Unfortunately for him he doesn't understand the concept that sometimes it's actually better to play it cool.

‘Looking forward to losing today, you loser?' he said.

Just to wind him up a little more I pretended to rise to his petty bait. ‘I don't think I'm going to be the loser, you loser.'

‘No you're the loser, loser.'

I couldn't resist just one more. ‘No, you are . . . loser,' after which I walked off with a theatrical whisk of the head.

BusyBody had been watching all this from only a few yards away with a huge grin on her face.

‘What's up with you?' I heard TopFirst say to her sulkily.

‘You know,' she replied, knowing that I could also hear, ‘I've just realised who you both remind me of: that little girl Violet in
Just William
who was always shouting, “I'll scweam and scweam and scweam until I'm sick!”'

Which was actually pretty fair, I thought, as I trundled back to OldSmoothie's huddle, where by now there was a whole gathering of both Moldy clients and supporters standing alongside BigMouth, who was conducting interviews with the press. I recognised Tony the electric guitarist and Dora the putative bank robber. Then there was Alfred with his skateboard tucked under his arm although unfortunately his wrist was in plaster. He gave me a knowing smile as if no further explanation were needed. Stanley was there with the football by his side dressed in the same Blackpool strip I had learnt was worn by Stanley Matthews in his famous 1953 FA Cup Final. Finally Arthur and Ethel came forward to greet me and I was rewarded with a big hug from Ethel and a firm handshake from Arthur. I'd never had any doubt that all of these Moldy cases were genuine but only four of them had been included in the batch of test cases which were listed for today: Arthur, Ethel, Stanley and Dora. Then there were the other two cases which we had decided were fake.

We all went into court, stood up for the judge and when he sat down, OldSmoothie remained standing. ‘Your Honour, before we start I would hereby like to give notice of discontinuance on two of the six cases that are being run.' He then named the two cases and continued, ‘May I humbly apologise for this late notice. It was due to, er, what we consider to be a certain amount of shenanigans and dirty tricks going on in the background.'

Loud gasps followed from the other side, although it wasn't clear whether this was indignation or simply disbelief that we'd found them out.

TheMoldies looked over at TopFirst and UpTights disapprovingly, and then Stanley lobbed his football at them and pandemonium broke out.

When the judge finally managed to regain some control of the court, and after he'd warned Stanley not to repeat that trick, OldSmoothie went on. ‘However, I obviously don't want in any way to prejudice the court's view by going into them here . . .'

‘No, I'm sure you don't,' the judge interrupted with a wry smile, knowing as well as the rest of us that the whole purpose of OldSmoothie's little speech was prejudice.

‘As I was saying,' continued OldSmoothie, ‘we are therefore prepared to accept any costs that were wasted through pursuing those two cases.'

‘Very decent, I'm sure,' said the judge. ‘Now, Ms UpTights, what do you have to say about this little revelation?'

Well, that was the funniest part of it. By this point, TopFirst had almost gone into a state of apoplexy, as had the solicitor behind him, which confirmed to me that they were both in on the fake cases and were furious to be losing a trump card. However, UpTights on the other hand clearly knew nothing about it and despite TopFirst poking her in the back and whispering loud enough for the whole court to hear, she steadfastly ignored him.

Instead, she rose to her feet and said, ‘Your Honour, I'm delighted to hear that the cases before you are already starting to crumble even before we've opened the evidence. It's indicative in my submission of the strength of the evidence as a whole. Given that my learned friend has capitulated on the only other possible issue that might arise, that of costs, then I am delighted to consent to the discontinuance going ahead.'