Law and Peace (34 page)

‘That's great news.'

‘It is indeed. But there is also some bad news. I fear from what I hear that we risk becoming victims of our own success as he's now seriously considering withdrawing from the case. First because he thinks he's not up to giving judgment mentally. Then, even if he were, he thinks the fact that he himself is now suffering the effects might give rise to a direct conflict of interest.'

‘Oh.'

‘Which means, BabyB, that you'd better put that hot, hot, hot little brain of yours into action and come up with a solution. According to my friend, the judge intends to make an announcement in the next week or two so it doesn't give you much time.'

Oh again.

 

 

Wednesday 9 July 2008

Year 2 (week 41): Mini-pupil fest

 

Chambers is currently awash with the first wave of law students on their summer holidays doing mini-pupillage.

‘Mini-pupillages are a complete and utter waste of time for everyone,' said OldSmoothie.

‘It is for those who get to follow you around at least,' said BusyBody. ‘Although in itself that's probably a valuable insight into life at the Bar.'

‘It's definitely good for the CV,' said TheCreep. ‘I did twelve mini-pupillages during my time at university.'

‘Now there's a surprise,' said TheVamp.

‘Though you do have to ask why we reward people for just turning up in chambers, following us around and making coffee at the drop of a wig,' said TheBusker.

‘Maybe it's a test to filter out those who don't have a sufficiently servile temperament to get them through pupillage,' said TheVamp.

‘But you've got to admit that they're pretty annoying,' said OldSmoothie. ‘I can just about live with having one Creep in chambers even if it's just to make fun of. But having a whole army of them descend each summer, it's unbearable.'

‘You're talking absolute rubbish as usual, OldSmoothie,' said BusyBody. ‘It opens up the place to people who otherwise might not even dream of applying and hey, they add a bit of youth and colour to an otherwise pretty arid environment.'

‘And anyway, you didn't seem to mind that pretty young law student last week,' said UpTights. ‘Getting her to spend two days, er, what was it? Oh yes, “arranging your Weekly Law Reports”.'

‘Ooh err,' said TheVamp with a smile.

‘They get even worse than the midges as the summer goes on. It's exactly why so many senior barristers take August off,' said OldSmoothie soldiering on.

‘I thought it was because the High Court closes then,' said TheVamp.

‘What, and you really think we're going to tell the truth: that we can't stand having self-important, jumped-up and annoying oiks pawing at us all day. I hardly think so.'

‘Maybe they actually choose August specifically to avoid having self-important, jumped-up and annoying silks pawing at them all day instead,' said UpTights.

 

 

Thursday 10 July 2008

Year 2 (week 41): Man with a plan

 

So. If I leave JudgeFetish to his own devices he'll jettison himself off the case pretty quickly and all our good work will have been to no avail. But what to do? Blackmail is clearly an option what with our knowledge of the mistress, not to mention the fact that he has fallen for BrainWasher's tricks. But it comes with manifold difficulties, not least the risk of being sent straight to jail at even the slightest whiff of such a suggestion. But what are the other alternatives? After mulling it over for the last couple of days and without coming up with anything, I decided to go and have a chat with SlipperySlope after work.

‘Well, let's have a look at our options,' he said after I'd set out the problem. ‘I agree that blackmail is something of a blunt instrument, particularly if we had to implement it at such short notice. Influence is always much more preferable to force. But come on, BabyB, you're better than this. Let's look at it from a different perspective. Always go back to basics. What are your primary objectives in this case?'

‘To win for the clients, get paid for all our other cases . . .' Then it dawned on me ‘. . . and to do over TopFirst. That's it!'

‘What's it?' Now Slippery was behind.

‘TopFirst. It always comes back to him.'

‘How?'

But after that, I decided not to say any more. If it all goes horribly wrong then the fewer people covering their own bottoms the better. But suffice it to say, I had a plan and I rang my good friend Blagger, who not only knows his stocks from his shares but is also quite an expert with computers. We will be meeting on Friday afternoon.

 

 

Friday 11 July 2008

Year 2 (week 41): Load of old bull

 

‘Yes, I'm off to Pamplona this weekend to run with the bulls.'

OldSmoothie was talking about his most recent midlife crisis adventure. ‘I've even had my secretary set up a page about it on The Facebook,' he said trying somehow to sound ‘down wid de kidz' but failing miserably. ‘Everyone's who's anyone does that these days, you know?'

‘And I suppose you've also started “The Twitter” as well,' said BusyBody sarcastically.

‘Actually, she did mention something about that. But The Facebook's the place to be at the moment,' he said with great authority.

‘And you intend to actually do the run, do you?' asked TheBusker.

‘He can't even run a bath,' said UpTights.

‘More like a running joke,' said BusyBody.

‘This week I've been out four nights running,' said TheVamp.

‘What, around Hyde Park?' asked TheCreep.

‘No, as I said, “out” four nights running,' said TheVamp and gave him a sympathetic look. ‘On the tiles, Mr CweepyWeepy.'

‘And as for catching the bulls, he couldn't even catch a bus,' added UpTights.

‘More likely to catch a cold the speed he'd be going,' giggled BusyBody.

 

 

Monday 14 July 2008

Year 2 (week 42): Coming clean

 

Well, there's no going back now. First off, on Friday afternoon I met up with Blagger.

‘It's funny you should have suggested meeting up, BabyB. Only last week I got a call from that solicitor lady wanting to instruct me on another case.'

‘I hope you told her you'd retired?'

‘Well, I thought that would sound a little boring so instead I told her that I'd just been appointed to be a judge. Thing is, I actually quite fancy her and want to keep this blag going until I've at least met up with her again, so I wondered if you could give me a bit of the lingo and low-down on well, judges.'

Inwardly I was actually relieved to hear that, for the moment at least, he had ceased to pretend to practise. I was therefore only too happy to dispense advice on how to impersonate a judge.

‘I'd go for being a Deputy District Judge,' I said. ‘They're the bottom of the pile and no one ever remembers them from one minute to the next and so you're far more likely to go under the radar. Beyond that, just act as though you know everything that it is possible to know in the whole world. Shouldn't be too difficult for you, in fact,' I reflected. ‘Then don't forget to mention your “brother judges” in as pompous a voice as you can possibly muster. Again, you should find that relatively easy. Beyond that, arrogance, stupidity and a complete lack of insight should just about make you the real deal.'

‘That's perfect, BabyB. Just as I imagined actually.'

Well, helping him was hardly the most ethical thing to do, but needs must when I am in need of assistance of my own.

‘I'm in a spot of bother,' I said, ‘and I need to make it look as if someone has sent me an email, even when they didn't.'

‘Not at all easy, BabyB. You can always back-date emails and even some of the computer's records but if an expert were to get his hands on it they'd suss it out very soon.'

This was exactly what I had feared. I grilled Blagger on various aspects of computers and their records and then I saw him off and wished him luck with his solicitor.

After that I rang a lady called Ginny, who I hired last year to act as a honeytrap for TopFirst. She is a rather attractive student who does a little moonlighting on the side. This assignment, however, would be a little easier than her last.

‘Ginny, I'd like to hire you to send an email from an internet café.'

‘Why do you need me to do that?' she asked.

I explained that it was part of my plan to bring down TopFirst.

‘What, that little toad again? BabyBarista, it'd be my pleasure.'

I then went on to explain the risks that might be involved.

‘Risk is something I've become used to in my working life. One minute things can be rosy, the next you can be in all sorts of trouble. It's exactly what allows me to charge a premium. I'm sure as a lawyer you understand that concept very well.'

She was certainly right on that score. There were many parallels between her job and mine beyond them being the world's two oldest professions. Finally, I arranged for a letter to be hand-delivered to JudgeFetish at the high court. It was typed on plain paper and as far as I could tell there were no distinguishing features that could in any way lead back to me. The letter said simply:

 

You have been the victim of a plot to brainwash you into thinking that you have suffered injury as a result of mobile phone waves. It is merely a ruse by the claimants' lawyers to win you over. You must find against the claimants. Do not think about withdrawing from the case because if you do then this will all come out in the press and you will have to admit how easily you were improperly influenced by one of the parties to the litigation.

 

Now I just have to hope that this will at least hold him off from withdrawing from the case.

 

 

Tuesday 15 July 2008

Year 2 (week 42): Crackington Haven

 

Oh, the important things we all get up to whilst sitting around in chambers waiting for our briefs to arrive. Yesterday afternoon a few of us were waiting in the clerks room gossiping.

‘What are you up to this week?' I asked TheVamp.

‘I'm going to Crackington Haven, near Bude, on Thursday for a long weekend,' she said.

‘I don't know whether it's just because you're saying it, but that just sounds rude,' said TheBusker smiling, before adding, ‘and now, that place will be forever etched in my mind as associated with you.'

‘Don't forget it's just down the coast from Welcome Mouth, too,' said OldSmoothie.

BusyBody laughed and joined in, ‘Well, I'd take Giggleswick,' given the choice.

‘Or Wittering,' said TheCreep.

‘Snig's End for you,' TheVamp said in response, ‘or how about Mumbles or even better Little Snoring?'

‘Yes and Madchute for the stretched one,' said OldSmoothie. ‘Or Cockermouth, perhaps?' he added, smugly. ‘Though I once visited a place called Clenchwarton. Now that really does fit, wouldn't you say?'

‘You'd be something like Bishop's Itchington or Mold,' BusyBody retorted.

‘More like Six Mile Bottom or Nether Wallop,' said UpTights. ‘Or Lord Hereford's knob,' she added.

‘Tutt's Clump, Upper Chute or Lickey End for you, UpTights. If you're lucky. Though if you're not, there's always Fiddlers Elbow.'

‘The Lizard,' said UpTights in reply as the conversation plummeted.

‘Isle of Dogs,' he retorted.

‘Nob's Crook,' she said.

‘Cock Alley,' he replied, looking extremely pleased with himself.

‘Then of course there's always the infamous place in the Shetlands that sounds quite like, well, twit,' said BusyBody directing her gaze to OldSmoothie.

At which point OldRuin appeared from the other side of the room and dispersed any tension with, ‘I've always liked the sound of Melbury Bubb myself. Makes me think of the most delicious kind of summer pudding.'

 

 

Wednesday 16 July 2008

Year 2 (week 42): Judges' Zoo

 

The more time goes on the more work I appear to be doing whilst I'm in court. Not court work that is, but anything else that needs doing. Let's face it, there's a lot of twiddling your thumbs during court hearings, which until recently was just lost time. But with the joys of the internet I now manage to go through all my emails and if it's a full day in court I also tend to draft a couple of sets of proceedings. It's much easier even than last year, when we all had to fiddle with our BlackBerrys under the table. This year someone came up with the bright idea of simply pretending to take notes of the hearing on the laptop whilst connecting it to the internet with one of those dongle things. So for anyone who's been to court recently and has wondered why the baby Bar is suddenly keenly typing notes on every small claim, now you know.