Lead (7 page)

No surprise at Jimmy’s response registered on David’s face. Instead, he smiled. “Sure. I’ll find Ev and Ben.”

“Good.”

David paused. “Listen, earlier about mom. I didn’t mean—”

“Its fine,” cut in Jimmy. “Let it go.”

“I just … I didn’t give up on you. Seems harsh not to give her the same chance.”

Jimmy inhaled sharply. “You were ready to give up on me. Hell, you threatened to, remember? You all did. But that’s beside the point. I’ve given her every opportunity over the last few years. All she did was hit me up for more money every fucking chance she got. She doesn’t want help. She’s perfectly happy living in the gutter.”

David winced.

I studied my feet and stayed silent. You couldn’t have cut the air with a knife, it would have taken a chain saw at the very least.

Awkward as hell.

If David hadn’t been blocking the doorway I’d have made a swift exit, given them some privacy to sort this out. But I was stuck, forced to bear witness. I highly doubted Jimmy would appreciate me seeing quite so much of him in one day. Not him as in the physical, but him and his secrets, his past. Such information had a way of binding people and my boss was one of the least likely people to want such a thing. He made my efforts at staying separate and solo over the last few years seem like child’s play. The strained relationship he had with his brother, whom he also worked with, was a prime example.

“Yeah,” sighed David, turning to go. “Guess she doesn’t.”

I waited till Jimmy and I were alone to speak. For a long moment the only sound was the dripping of the tap. Time to break the silence.

“He’s right,” I said. “The speech was perfect.”

Jimmy looked up at me from beneath his dark brows. His eyes were like ice storms, his jaw rigid.

“You did a brilliant job,” I said, concentrating on the positive part of his talk with his brother. “Really fantastic. Just like I said you would.”

The edge of his mouth twitched. Something inside of me lightened at the sight.

“You had to get that in there, didn’t you?” he asked.

“Yes, I did.”

He shook his head. “Great. Didn’t I tell you to go away?”

“You’re always telling me to go away. I’d be half way to the Yukon by now if I actually ever listened to you.” I yawned prettily. If he didn’t make stirring him up so much fun, there was a decent chance I’d stop. Well, an even one. “You haven’t told me if I’m really fired or not yet.”

His brows arched, expectantly. “What do you think, Lena?’

“I think regardless of whatever comes out of your mouth, you keep paying me. And money talks.”

He said nothing.

“I also think if I actually went away, you would miss me, Jimmy Ferris.” For a brief moment, a messy, needy part of me yearned for him to agree, which was completely insane. I should cut the silly part out and cauterize it, excise it from my body. Without a doubt, it would be the sane thing for me to do. Any ridiculous longing after anything resembling a softer emotion from Jimmy was a big mistake. He either hadn’t been made that way to begin with, or any softer parts had been ground out long ago by that epic of bitch of a mother of his. Besides which, alone was best, I think we both knew it. Due to the situation, we just happened to be spending our alone time together these days. I guess it was better than being lonely.

“That so?’ He gave me a cool look. “Why don’t you go away and we’ll find out?”

I smiled. “Okey dokey.”

Two days later
…

“What?” asked Jimmy in a terse voice, never taking his eyes off the TV. On screen, a hockey game raged on, the someones against the someone elses. No, I honestly didn’t care enough to figure out who was playing.

We’d been back in Portland for two days and had mostly returned to our usual routine with only one or two minor behavioral differences.

“Huh?” I asked, finger toying over the screen of my e-reader.

“You keep looking at me weird.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Yeah, you do.” He bristled, giving me impatient side eyes. “You been doing it all day.”

“I have not. You’re imagining things.”

He wasn’t imagining things. Ever since that day in Coeur d’Alene, things had been different. I’d been different. I couldn’t seem to see, hear, or be near him without reacting in ways I sincerely wished I did not. Contrary to my hopes, the feelings had not dissipated. Instead, they seemed to have settled in for the duration, sinking further and further into my heart and mind. All of those glimpses into his psyche and his troubled past had changed things irrevocably. Both in how I looked at him, and how often. The truth was, this horrible idiotic crush, or whatever the hell it was, probably showed on my face every time I turned his way. It certainly felt like it did.

“I’m not gonna freak out again or anything, Lena,” he said. “Relax.”

A pause. “No, I know. I’m not worried about that.”

“So stop looking at me already,” he grouched.

“I’m not!” I protested, sneaking a look.

He slumped further down in the corner of the couch, a frown embedded into his handsome face. Jeans and a black Henley were Jimmy’s casual home attire. I highly doubted a male model could have worn them as well. The man just had innate style and show. With my hair messily tied up on top of my head and glasses sitting on the end of my nose, I probably looked like an early candidate for a crazy cat lady. Give me a litter of kittens and I’d be set.

I put my e-reader aside, giving it up as a lost cause. With him in the room, I apparently had the concentration span of a four-year-old loaded up on sugar. But also, I had in fact come down here for a particular reason. “You didn’t call your brother back.”

“Hmm.”

“He’s called twice now.”

A one-shoulder shrug.

Tiny rivers of rain trickled down the outside of the window and a street light shone in the distance. Typical cold wet weather for this time of year. Just the thought of what it would be like outside in it was enough to make me shiver.

“I could grab the phone for you if you like,” I said. “I was just about to go get a drink.”

He slicked back his hair with the palm of his hand. “Why are you down here? You normally hang out in your room at night.”

“Is my being here a problem?”

“Didn’t say that. Just wondering what’s changed?”

Lots had changed. Lots and lots and then a bit more besides, the bulk of which I was still figuring out. No neat conclusions had yet presented themselves. I might have lied a smidgeon about not being worried about him. He did seem fine. Didn’t mean it wasn’t still my job to keep an eye on him. The funeral and his big blow-up still felt fresh.

“Nothing’s changed,” I lied. “Just got bored on my own, I guess.”

I pulled my comfy big old green cardigan tighter around me, feeling self-conscious. Plus the headlights were on high beam for some reason. Let us not explore why. But my annoying him was a given, I could probably manage it simply by breathing, such was the glory of Jimmy’s disposition. It’d never actually worried me before, however. I must be getting soft. Perhaps I shouldn’t have come down. Maybe I should just abort the spend-time/check-up-on-him mission and retreat back to my room.

“’kay,” he said.

That was it. All of that inner turmoil and he couldn’t even be bothered saying an entire word with regards to my presence. I guess he really didn’t mind.

“You cold?” he asked.

“Pardon?”

His head lay against the back of the couch, slowly looking me over. Nothing changed in his face, but his eyes seemed to heat somehow. Or maybe I was just imaging things.

“You’re all bundled up,” he said. “Need me to turn up the thermostat?”

“No. Thanks.” I might need to put some padding in my bra so my nipples were less obvious in their like for him. The room however was lovely and warm as the couch beneath my butt was beautifully comfortable. Jimmy didn’t stint on life’s luxuries. He wasn’t cheap.

“I’m good,” I said.

A chin tip.

“So, who’s winning the hockey game?” I curled my skinny jean clad legs up beneath me.

“I’m not really that into it. You can pick something to watch if you want.”

“Okay.” I held out my hand for the remote.

A soft chuckle came out of him, a rare, delightful sound indeed. It tickled over my skin in the strangest yet nicest fashion. If he actually ever laughed out loud I’d be in trouble.

“Not a chance, Lena. Only I operate the remote. I’ll flip through channels and you can tell me if anything appeals.”

“Only you operate the remote?”

“Yup.”

“Control freak.”

“It’s a state-of-the-art home entertainment system, Lena. I had it shipped from Germany, special.” He waved the funky black remote around like it was his scepter. King Jimmy. He wished. “No way I’m risking it with you.”

“What?” My mouth fell open. “What do you mean, you’re not
risking
it with me?”

“The coffee machine.” He grabbed a cushion and stuffed it behind his fat head, changing through to the first channel. A cooking show.

“Keep going.” I liked food. I just didn’t particularly want to be the one to have to make it. My mom had always done the cooking at home, suited me fine. “I barely touched the coffee machine. That was some weird random mechanical fault on the part of the universe.”

“Whatever.”

Next was some old 80s made-for-TV movie. You could tell by the hair, it was so high and dry looking. What wonders a keratin treatment would have done for those poor women. And the ginormous shoulder pads, yikes.

“Keep going, please,” I said. An old episode of
Vampire Diaries
flickered on next. “Ooh, Ian, you’re lovely. But I’ve already seen this one so keep going.”

“Thank fuck.” Jimmy punched the button and on came a nature documentary. Or at least I hoped that’s what it was given a shiny black stallion mounting a slightly terrified-looking mare took up the screen.

“Hey, it’s just like that shirt you borrowed off Mr. Ericson!” I clapped with joy and a slight amount of malice. “Horses humping, that’s beautiful.”

“You like that, do you?” his sly voice asked.

With the press of a button, miles and miles of bare and bouncy flesh filled the wide screen. With the exception of the woman in the man sandwich’s boobs. Those puppies stayed eerily gravity-defying still. And unlike mine, they weren’t the least bit pointy.

“That’s so sweet,” I sighed. “Nothing says true love like D.P.”

Jimmy sniggered and changed the channel, cars roared around a racetrack.

“Why is it so many men have the sense of humor of a smelly, pimple-faced, barely pubescent little jerk?” I pondered aloud.

“You don’t find that charming?” He asked, brow raised.

“Weird of me, I know.” I snagged a cushion and cuddled it to my chest. “I had this boyfriend once who thought it was amusing to … actually, no. I don’t want to tell that story. Ever.”

“Go on.”

“No. I’m happier pretending he never existed. Let’s leave my shameful dating choices in the past.”

“That’s hardly fair,” he said. “You know enough of my shit.”

Before I could form a reply Formula One turned into
Downton Abbey
and I squeed with excitement. “Stop here. Stop!”

Jimmy winced, rubbing his ear. “For Christ’s sake, use your inside voice.”

“This is a great show.” Two of the show’s lovers were chatting, decked out in the usual glorious English-gentry-type gear. Awesome. “And particularly pertinent to our situation, I think.”

“Huh?” Lip curled, he stared at the screen, distinctly unimpressed by the splendor. Plebian.

“It’s all about life in a turn-of-the-century noble house in England.”

“Yeah. The castle and what they’re wearing kind of gave it away.”

“Aren’t the dresses beautiful?” I hugged my cushion happily. I’d live and die in jeans, but it was nice to dream. “See, there are the wealthy lords and ladies who have everything and their servants, who have zilch and have to run around after the lords and ladies, catering to their every whim with barely a thank you all day long. I mean, they’re basically treated like second-class citizens and completely taken for granted by their bosses. Isn’t that barbaric?”

My irony-laden comment garnered a lone grunt. Though to be fair, he could put a lot of emotion into a grunt, quite a variation of tone and character. The way Jimmy did it, it was almost a sentence, a story. He turned being a caveman into an art form.

“And that’s Lady Mary.” I pointed at the screen. “She says all sorts of horrible things that she doesn’t mean, always hiding behind this snotty, rude persona. When really underneath she’s got a tender warm heart and a conscience just like everyone else. Doesn’t that sound similar to someone we know?”

“You talk a lot.” He yawned. “We watching this or what?”

“You’ll watch this with me?”

“It’s kind of nice having the company.” He kept his eyes on the screen. I thought I detected a hint of somber to his voice. Perhaps Ev had been right and he was lonely. Often the guys were coming and going during the day, but with Mal spending some time in Idaho with his family, the band was on a break. Jimmy had been more fidgety than normal, at a loss for what to do with himself. Even normally, however, nighttimes were quiet in the big house.

“Yeah, it is,” I said.

We sat in silence for a while, both of us studying the screen. Well, with the exception of me occasionally slyly studying him. I’d be an expert in covert relations by the time I finally left Portland.

He’d shoved his hands back behind his head, face relaxed and eyes open. Interestingly enough, he apparently got caught up in the period drama. Went to show you shouldn’t judge people. It was nice—companionable—sitting there with him as opposed to hanging alone in my room. I’d have to do it more often. For his sake of course.

“Sure you don’t want to call David?” I asked.

The edge of his mouth turned downward. “I can put the game back on real easy if you like.”

“None of my business, you’re right. Let’s just enjoy the show in silence, shall we?”

“Let’s,” he said in his deep voice.

# # #