Lead Him Not Into Temptation (Redemption Book 2) (12 page)

“No,” I quickly say, grabbing her hand when she begins to pull it away. “It’s just, to understand why I love music, you have to understand my past and that’s not something I’m used to sharing with people.”

She looks away from me, and I feel the loss of her intense stare. “I get it, Casen. It’s okay; it was a stupid bet anyways.”

Letting go of her hand, I reach for her smooth, rosy cheek and gently force her attention back to me. “Jen, I’m not afraid to tell you about myself,” I tell her with as much conviction as possible. “I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me after you know.” My voice tapers off with each word, but my hand remains on her cheek, my thumb rubbing delicately along her cheekbone.

“We all have a past, Casen,” she murmurs with a light smile. “I figure it’s what keeps us all on an even playing field in the present. If things haven’t worked themselves out or don’t seem fair, karma always has a way of collecting her debts in the future.”

I let her words hang in the air for a moment, allowing her simple life philosophy to sink in before I let my story spill out. “Okay,” I say with a nod. “You know I was raised by my grandmother in a trailer park in northern Colorado. You know we were poor. You don’t know how I ended up there, nor how music was what kept me from going down the same path as my parents.”

Jen sets her plate on the ground, her dinner forgotten. Henri gladly helps her clean the plate, but neither of us bothers to instruct him otherwise. We are both too immersed in the questions I’m willing to answer.

“My parents were not great people. My mom was an exotic dancer with a craving for heroin. The drugs ultimately claimed what little life she had. My dad, on the other hand, managed to keep himself clean in terms of drugs, but he was a brutally mean drunk. He used my mom as a meal ticket, even pimping her on the streets if need be to pay the bills and their addictions. My dad knew how to play guitar and he taught me when I was young. Not as a father son activity. No, he put me on the streets with my guitar to strum up any extra change I could.”

Jen’s eyes haven’t moved from mine, yet thankfully they haven’t filled with regret for me, either. She’s listening, letting my painful past therapeutically flow from me, each word healing a little piece of my brokenness.

“Whenever things got bad,” I continue, “It was the music which gave me an escape from what was going on around me. Whenever my brothers and sisters were crying, it was my music, which calmed them down. Whenever my mom didn’t bring home enough cash, it was my music on the streets, which quieted my father, the beast, saving us all from hours of misery. When you asked why music, there is no simple answer. Music isn’t a hobby or even a profession for me. It’s much more than that. It’s been my escape from the pain, safety from a damaged past, it’s who I am…it’s what I am.”

Jen breathes out heavily, mulling over her response before reacting to my answer. My throat constricts as worry overtakes me. My fear of rejection begins to take hold. But then, she scoots closer to me, so close I’m not sure where I end and she begins. “Our pasts are not who we are, they are events which have happened to us. You’re a good person and I’m proud to be sitting next to you right now. The bumpy road it took you to get here doesn’t change that.”

Relief floods my system as her petite hand moves up and down my arm, comforting me. Suddenly her hand settles on my arm and I instantly know question number two is coming and I know what it will be.

“Go ahead and ask question two,” I tell her, beating her to it. She looks to me surprised, like I wouldn’t guess what the question will be. “Go on, I know what you want to ask.”

She runs her hand up and then down my arm one last time and I close my eyes to fully enjoy the feeling of her skin on mine, even though I know what it is she’s exploring.

“Tell me about the tattoos,” she says. “I don’t need to know about the images; I want to know why you got all of them.” Her resolve is beginning to fade, as she knows the answer. She wants to hear me tell the story; make it real for her.

“I told you my dad was a mean son of a bitch. He never hit my mom; he knew if he banged her up, she couldn’t make him money. Instead, he came after us kids. I was the oldest, I could take more than my brothers and sisters, and so many times I would provoke him to come after me instead of them. He was always coming up with new ways to hurt us, but his favorite was putting his cigarettes out on me. I have scars all over my arms where he would burn me. They became constant reminders of what I came from. When I was old enough, I started getting tattoos to cover the scars. I wanted to be released from the horrors of my childhood.”

I can see she’s trying desperately to hold her emotions at bay, but even Jen isn’t cold enough to be unaffected. A single tear slides down her cheek, and I quickly wipe it away with my fingertips.

“How did you get out of there?” she asks, noticing her tears and swiftly brushing the remainder away.

“In junior high I had to start changing into athletic clothes for PE, which meant no more long-sleeve shirts every day. One of my teachers saw the fresh burns and called social services. Relatives all stepped up and we all were shipped to different people. My grandmother couldn’t handle taking care of the little ones so I went with her. I was thirteen and could pretty much take care of myself.”

“So your dad went to jail then,” she states matter-of-fact, and you would think it would be the safe assumption.

“No.”

Her eyebrows pinch together, irritation and anger spread across her face.

“My mother didn’t want to press charges and none of the kids were willing to testify. As long as the kids were no longer in the home with my father, they didn’t pursue it further.”

“That is not okay,” she insists and I agree. There were no consequences; it was like I endured it all for nothing. I just had to hope life would eventually catch up to him. It eventually did.

“He got what was coming to him, it just took a while. Mom died of an overdose about a year after we all were separated. My dad fell off the deep end after that. He got himself into some bad gambling debts, and well, he double-crossed the wrong person. He disappeared and we never heard from him again, but we all knew what probably happened.”

My eyes have drifted back to the flames. I’m not ready yet to see the look on Jen’s face after hearing my story. Then I feel her hands once again on my arm and move across one of my scars. She brings my arm to her mouth and kisses the damaged skin. The simple act makes all the fear I had been holding onto diminish. She doesn’t need to say anything. I know she accepts me, and I’ve never been more grateful.

We both smile and enjoy a brief moment of peace. I notice her shiver, and I stand to retrieve a blanket from the camper. A now sleeping Henri doesn’t even flinch with my movements. Jen, though, looks at me questioningly.

“Stay put, I’ll be right back.” I grab the warmest, softest blanket I can find and wrap it around her when I return to our campfire. The embers are starting to burn down, so I add another log to the fire and stir it around to get it going again.

“I believe you owe me a story now, my dear,” I tell her, as I settle down next to her once again.

She snuggles down into the red, fleece blanket and turns her body into mine. “Just any story, or do you have something in mind?” she asks.

“I have something I want to know about, but I’m not sure how you’ll feel about telling me.”

Jen looks both nervous and confused. She’s not sure where this is going, I don’t either, but my curiosity to ask is too tempting. As horrible as last night’s attack was, I don’t think it was the cause for Jen’s restless sleep. I can’t help but dig into whatever it is which plagued her dreams. There is something else below the surface, and I feel like I need to know what it is in order to protect her, to have access to her guarded heart.

“While you were asleep last night, I kept checking on you,” I begin to explain. Her left brow raises in concern and I shift gears momentarily. “Not in a creepy stalker way. You had me worried, and I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I had a horrible night, Casen. Did you expect me to have a glorious sleep and fairytale dreams?” she asks sarcastically, now on the defensive.

“No, but what I saw was something entirely different. The events of last night triggered something for you, something you’ve buried. I want to know that story.”

“There’s no story there,” she states confidently, although her actions suggest otherwise. She will no longer look me in the eyes and her body has moved away from me, allowing an undesired space between us.

“Please don’t lie to me, Jen. I offered complete honesty, even though the truth is terrifying as hell for me. Please don’t play that game with me.”

She still refuses to look at me, but instead of retreating and letting her disengage, I push harder. “Who is Preston? You kept shouting his name in your sleep.”

Her head whips around quickly in my direction to look at me, her eyes wide. Even with the overwhelming warmth of the blanket and the fire to rosy her flesh, all color drains from her face. “What did you say?” she mutters, so low I can barely hear her.

“Preston? Is he a boyfriend, someone who hurt you, someone you lost? He means something to you, I just want to know in what way.” I try to ease my tone, as I don’t know if this person is a good something or bad something. Either way, I feel like I need to know this if I’m ever going to really know her.

“He’s someone I wish I could forget, someone I wish I had never met,” she says through gritted teeth.

“So he’s a past tense?” I ask, searching for a little clarification.

“I haven’t seen him in years, but what he did fucked up so much of my life, every day I battle to forget.” Her lips begin to tremble, but instead of the sadness one would expect, hers is a tremble of anger.

“What happened, Jen?” I say smoothly, moving closer to her and grabbing her hand like she had previously done for me.

“He stole everything from me.” Her anger flares once again. “I lost my family, my friends, and for a long time, my sanity. He’s not someone I care to remember. His name is a reminder of the innocence I lost.”

“Please let me in,” I plead. This is her story and I won’t force her to share it, but I want to be the one who gets past this barrier, this gate which has locked the real Jen away.

She takes a deep breath, and looks away from me as she begins her story. I understand the feeling; this memory is as harmful to her soul as my memories are to mine.

“It was the summer before my senior year of high school. I was so excited to be finishing up and heading off to college. I was a good kid. I never stayed out past curfew, never would have been caught in the back of some guy’s car, I didn’t drink. My father demanded perfection, and I made sure to live up to those expectations. When the most popular guy in school asked me to go to a party, it was a given that I would accept his invitation. I was so excited, my best friend Amber, or at least I thought she was my best friend, was excited for me even though I knew she really liked him. All the girls did.”

I feel my body overheat as I recognize the direction of this story, but I try to hide my anger and disdain for this asshole who broke her.

“What did he do?” I ask as controlled as possible.

“I have no real memory of it. The doctor my aunt took me to said more than likely I’d been drugged. The only people who filled my cup that night was Preston and Amber, so you do the math. I woke up the next morning in my car with torn clothing and a horrible headache. It wasn’t until a few weeks later when I truly understood what happened to me.”

I squeeze her hand, willing her to continue. “What really happened?”

“My father was sent photographs. Horrible pictures,” she mumbles, looking away and brushing a tear from her cheek. It takes her several moments to collect herself enough to continue on. I don’t push, I don’t encourage. I just wait. She needs to tell her story in her own time, without me forcing any more of it out of her.

“I was a good kid, Casen,” she finally says. The sadness dripping from her words weaves into my soul. I can’t help but want to rip out my own heart to give it to her, just to erase this pain of hers. “Those pictures changed everything. The guys’ faces weren’t in the shots, it was only me who could be seen. They had me laid out naked on a kitchen table, doing unimaginable things.”

“Did your parents call the police and press charges?” It seems like a no-brainer type of question, but judging from her reaction to the attack at the concert, there is no simple answer with her.

“It was an election year, and the pictures were meant to scare my father away from campaigning. Instead, my father called in some favors and swept it under the rug. That also meant I needed to disappear.”

All emotion has drained from her as she recounts the rest of the story as if she’s detached herself from it. I can relate. Retell without reliving, it’s how I survived for a long time, but it doesn’t heal anything. She’s avoided dealing with her parents. Just like the other night, she ran.

“Disappear?” I ask.

“I went to live with my aunt to be homeschooled my senior year and then went to college at CSU. My parents pretended like it didn’t happen. Even when I tried to explain, they didn’t believe anything illegal had happened to me. The only one who believed me was my Aunt Maggie. She’s the only one who really cared about me. But you know what? I learned a lot about who I can depend on, and what loyalty means. Now you know why I’m such a bitch. I’d rather be safe than sorry.” She shrugs like the story she just shared is not some big deal. She’s distancing herself again, and it blows my freakin’ mind.

“Hold on here. First of all, you’re not a bitch. Difficult yes, but not a bitch. Second, Preston was one of the guys, but nothing ever happened to him? How is that okay by any stretch of the imagination? Just like the fucker from Friday night, he should be in jail.” I stand from the log and pace in front of her. Henry takes notice and follows me in my continued stride. My pissed level is skyrocketing. I hate that she was hurt, but her acceptance of the lack of consequences takes my anger to a new level of rage. The system doesn’t always work, but I think you have to give it a chance.