Lead Me Home (26 page)

Before Shiloh could say more, Daddy raised his palm to stop her. Stunned, and already nervous, she paused midsentence.

“Shiloh, you are about to share something that’s obviously very personal and very painful, that happened almost two decades ago—before you were a wife or a mother or a full-fledged adult. Before you go on, let me say something, and ask you something.”

Daddy sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his protruding belly. “First, if you’ve already shared this information with Randy and your sons, that may be enough. Your immediate family may need to know your particular truths, to help them learn from it and to help them understand you better, and that’s all good. But ask yourself before you continue if there’s a purpose in sharing what’s on your heart with the rest of us.

“Now, we are your family and we’d certainly like to know and understand you better, too. We love you. But will what you share help us do that? Or will it help our family as a whole in some way?”

Shiloh lowered her eyes, thinking, and wrestling with herself, to see what answers were honestly surfacing.

“If the only purpose in sharing is just so we’ll know, only do that if it’s going to make you feel better or stronger in some way,” Daddy said. “If you’re telling us just to get it off your chest, it should still fit the two prior criteria. Or, if telling us allows us to take some sort of action or become aware of a larger issue that all of us might need to address, please tell us. Just don’t do it out of obligation or guilt or because someone said you had to. Do what’s
best for your heart, mind, spirit, and soul, sweetheart. We love you, either way.”

When Daddy was done, Shiloh was, too. What a gift he had just given her. For the first time in her entire life, she didn’t feel the need to measure up, to explain herself, or explain away a behavior or attitude. She could just be, and in doing so, just be loved.

She felt like saying, Wow. Or crying. Or leaping for joy. But she was so overwhelmed by this side of her father that she’d never known, she also just wanted to sit and soak in this moment.

Everyone around the table sat silent, with their eyes on Daddy, waiting for what would come next.

Randy leaned toward Shiloh and gently kissed her lips.

This public display of affection from him was unusual, at least in front of her parents, but she knew he was sealing the vows he’d made earlier, in his interstate marriage proposal, and letting her know that he stood with her, whatever she decided. She looked at her four sons, and wondered what was racing through their minds. When she realized they were looking back at her with love, even the hurt and broken Lem, it didn’t really matter and neither did the ghosts from her past.

Leslie might come today with Lia, and if so, she could take her aside and apologize for her hurtful and horrible actions all those years ago. But Daddy’s words had echoed what God must have been trying to tell her all along: His grace was sufficient. He had forgiven her the first time she’d said she was sorry—for both offenses. Just as she’d promised Monica he would, a few days ago.

Shiloh sighed and made a decision. The next time the anniversary date of her abortion rolled around, she wouldn’t hold her usual commemoration. She would pull out the recorder on that date and conjure up memories of today’s family gathering and conversation, and play a new song, to honor God’s graciousness, and her season of new beginnings.

Shiloh looked from her father to Randy and back again.

She took the time to peer at everyone seated around the table—men, women, and boys, who had known her as little as the four years Dayna and Warren had been a couple, and as long as the day she entered the world. Michael and Mason, whom she knew the least, stared at her curiously. That same perspective, coupled with compassion, seemed to fill Keith and Warren’s eyes. Dayna and Jessica seemed perplexed. Shiloh wasn’t sure how to respond, then God spoke to her spirit.

It’s already settled. I have taken your burdens upon me. You have the victory.

Suddenly, peace flooded her spirit, and it was indescribable. Shiloh sat back and smiled.

“Thank you, Daddy. All I have to say is, eighteen years ago I was a young, Christian girl who had heard since childhood that God was a God of grace and that there was no sin he wouldn’t forgive. I heard those words, and I recited the Scriptures reflecting those messages, and I believed them. But then … when I became the worst sinner of all sinners in my eyes—a liar, a thief, a hypocrite, even a killer, from the way I saw it—I forgot all those truths; at least, I didn’t believe they applied to me. I thought because I knew right yet did wrong anyway, I owed God greater sacrifices than most. I actually thought about becoming a nun.”

Mama gasped before she could collect herself. Shiloh smiled again.

“I know—shocking. But when Randy began courting me and I saw what a committed man of God he was, I knew God was leading me in a different direction. Another way to be connected to him as a pastor’s wife and ministry helpmate. And that’s what I’ve done all of these years to the best of my ability. But this year … this year, God has shaken me out of my comfort zone. It’s like he said, ‘Enough is enough. No more guilt, no more playing the martyr.’ He wants me to use my experiences and my shame to help others heal, and to bring his name glory. Thank you, Daddy, for helping me understand I should only share my experiences when they serve a purpose. I don’t think it’s necessary to go into all of the gritty details after all. I just ask that you all pray for me, and for Randy and the boys as we learn a new way of communicating and loving each other.”

Shiloh sighed and lowered her head. Dayna pushed her chair back from the table and walked around the table to Shiloh. She stood just behind Shiloh and opened her arms for a hug. Before Shiloh could react, Jessica jumped out of her seat and trotted around the table to extend her arms as well. Shiloh couldn’t withhold the grin as she scooted back her chair and joined her sisters in a group hug.

“Doesn’t matter what it is—or was,” Jessica whispered in her ear. “We’ve got you.”

Dayna quoted Ecclesiastes 4:12. “‘Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.’ We know you; we know your heart. Every single one of us has fallen short of God’s best, either intentionally or by mistake. You are a loving, giving, encouraging, and inspiring woman of God. Nothing and no one will ever change that.”

She paused and peered at Shiloh. “I love you, sis.”

When the food and dishes were put away and the kitchen was clean, everyone settled in the family room to watch movies.

As one action flick ended and Keith added another to the DVD, Lem, who had been stretched out on the floor, scooted over to Shiloh. “Lia just called. Her parents think it may be too late to come tonight—how about tomorrow?”

Shiloh leaned toward her son and stroked his cheek. “Tell you what, son. Why don’t we save them a trip? I’ll drive you to Birmingham in the morning, and we can stay as long as you want.”

Lem’s eyes widened. “Really, Mom? Thank you.”

She smiled. What she didn’t say was that she’d even go sit in the mall or walk around Wal-Mart if necessary, if it turned out to be too tense between her and Lia’s mother. All Shiloh could control was her apology, and she was ready to render it, as forcefully and as often as Leslie needed to hear it.

By midnight, Shiloh was one of the last family members to crawl into bed. She snuggled in close to Randy, asked God to bless her journey to Birmingham and her reconnection with Leslie tomorrow, and then she wept. The tears woke Randy, who startled awake, his face awash with concern.

“What’s wrong, Shiloh? What is it?”

She swiped at the tears, but they kept coming. Finally, she gathered herself enough to reassure Randy that nothing was wrong—everything
was finally falling into place. She knew she was loved, simply because she was Shiloh. How beautiful that felt.

The secrets that had held her hostage for all these years only had the power she had given them. Her shame didn’t serve anyone, and especially not God. She was finally free. And in that freedom, she could love others like never before—those who were broken or lost or lovely or seemingly perfect, or obviously sinful. She had been all of those at one time or another, and never once had God let go of her. Shiloh was ready now to hold onto God. These tears were her baptism, of sorts, her new beginning.

Randy couldn’t read her mind so he didn’t know that transformation was taking place, but the inner joy he must have read in her tear-stained expression seemed to calm him. He pulled her close, and held her, until they both fell asleep.

Shiloh and Mama were the first to stir in the morning, as usual.

They met in the kitchen just minutes apart. Shiloh was measuring coffee for the coffee maker when Mama joined her at the island with ingredients she had pulled from the pantry and refrigerator to make a memorable family breakfast.

“Homemade biscuits?” Shiloh asked.

“Yep,” Mama said. “Like always. Even Michael and Mason have come to love them.”

Shiloh peeked at Mama. “And how are you feeling about
them—
about adding them to your brood?”

Mama worked in silence a few moments while she kneaded the dough. Finally she said, “Let’s put it this way: When the photographer from Cedaric Photography comes tomorrow to shoot our family portrait, Michael and Mason will be surrounding me, along with your four boys.” A mischievous gleam filled Mama’s eyes. “Can’t wait to show off that picture and see the faces of the ladies in the women’s missionary society!”

Shiloh couldn’t believe it. Mama used to care so much about what those ladies said and thought.
What was going on?

She saw Shiloh’s quizzical stare and laughed. “Yes, I can poke fun at them and at myself.” She stopped pounding the dough and turned toward Shiloh. “I want to know your secrets, if you’re willing to share them with me.”

Shiloh’s breath caught in her throat.

Mama touched her hand. “Your father was absolutely right in the position he took yesterday. You don’t have to tell any of us what happened all those years ago. You were young, you were a different person. I will love you the same no matter what. But I can’t get your twenty-year-old face out of my mind, and I keep wondering what was going on behind your air of confidence and pretty smile that I didn’t see, that somehow crippled you or burdened you all this time. I feel like I failed you as a mother because you held onto whatever happened and didn’t feel like you could come to me and trust me. That means you thought I’d judge you.”

Shiloh looked away. It was the truth, but she wouldn’t hurt Mama by confirming it.

Mama gently grabbed Shiloh’s chin and turned Shiloh’s face toward hers. “You thought I’d judge you, and truthfully, you were probably right,” Mama said. “I would have cared what the people at Riverview Baptist would have to say. I would have been appalled that whatever it was led you to forget your Christian upbringing. I would have been hard to live with, and it would have made your burden greater.” A sad smile crossed Mama’s face. “It’s unfortunate, but true. That’s the good, Christian First Lady I was back then, and have been, for way too long. Your Daddy’s heart attack shook me into reality: what really matters is loving each other unconditionally, not with strings attached.”

Shiloh didn’t know if Mama’s change of heart would stick, but this conversation was certainly throwing Shiloh for a loop. Maybe she had such a fixed image of who her mother was that she didn’t believe Mama could change. But this was the same lens of judgment that she had used to view Jade, she suddenly realized, and she was learning that she could not truly assess a person’s heart or character.

“I can’t blame you if that’s the only mother you know—I guess that’s the only side I’ve shown you,” Mama said. “But it’s way past
time that I get to know the true Shiloh, and you have the benefit of knowing all of me. That’s why I want to know, sweetheart. Not so I can make you feel worse. I want to stand with you and pray with you when the doubts creep in and the shame tries to reclaim its spot in your mind, as it inevitably will. I’ll always be your mother, but I also want to become your friend.”

The plea was evident in Mama’s eyes as much as it was in her voice. Shiloh was undone. Could she trust Mama with this? Would it come back to haunt her? That voice, unbidden, filled her spirit again with an answer.
Trust me.

Shiloh silently replied.
Yes, Lord.

She grabbed Mama by the hand and led her to the kitchen door.

“Where are we going?” Mama asked.

“Outside, to the porch, where we’ll have some privacy,” Shiloh said.

She pulled Mama along. They walked around the side of the house to the front, and climbed the stairs to the porch where they settled in the swing.

Mama scooted close to Shiloh and turned to face her. “Before you begin, I want to answer a question you asked me a few months ago. You asked me whether I had a dream of my own, outside of my marriage and family, and I gave you a flippant, yet appropriate answer for the First Lady of an esteemed church. That’s because I wanted to shush you before you awakened those dreams. Truth is, I wanted to dance, Shiloh. Professionally, in New York. So it’s no surprise to me that you had artistic musical tendencies, and Jessica has a public speaking, motivational platform. I see myself in both of you, and even in Dayna’s desire to touch others through her administrative and nursing gifts. I was a talented dancer, and my teachers growing up always said so. I moved audiences. I lifted their spirits with my performances. I saw it and I felt it.

“But my father wasn’t having it. He was a church deacon and diehard Christian who stayed angry with my mother for years for even putting me in dance classes. So when I graduated from high school and had a chance to audition for a prominent dance company in Washington, DC, that could help pay my way to Howard University, Daddy wouldn’t buy me a ticket to go. He used that money to take me along to a church convention in Memphis with him and my mother. I met your father on the second day of that weeklong conference, and truthfully, I fell in love the minute he took my hand and kissed it, before he even said hello. We courted long distance for about six months, and, well, you know the rest. I became his wife, he was hired to lead a small Tennessee church, and eventually got the call to come to Atchity.

“I shared all of that to let you know that yes, I had dreams, and some of them did die. But your father became a new dream, and you children were a blessing. So even when life doesn’t take the path you believe is best, God can give you beauty from ashes in every situation. I’ve asked myself ‘what if’ about dancing; but if I had gone that route and never met your father, I’d have a whole other set of ‘what ifs.’ Please share with me what you will, and even before you begin, know that I love you and I’ll stand by you, no matter what.”

“Even if it ain’t pretty?” Shiloh asked, grateful to know more about Mama—finally.

“As ugly as it can get, I’m ready.” Mama took Shiloh’s hand in hers and kissed it.

Shiloh took a deep breath, and began. “Eighteen years ago, the spring that I turned twenty …”