Lead Me Not (20 page)

The person I was in this apartment when I was alone disgusted me. His insecurity, his self-doubt, his guilt and shame were repulsive. I hated him. I wished I would never have to be him again. But he was always there, waiting to take me down.

In the harsh light of sobriety, he was the pathetic man who looked back at me in the mirror. He was everything I didn’t want to be. He was the sum of all of my failures. It’s what defined him.

That’s not the person I wanted anyone to see, let alone the woman I was becoming dangerously consumed by.

Aubrey.

She made it so easy to pretend that all of those other versions of Maxx didn’t exist, that I was just one person, with just one life, that I wasn’t hiding a million secrets. I was just a guy who liked a girl who just maybe liked me back.

Being with her, touching her, kissing her, had the power to undo everything. I felt her unraveling me every time we were together. She had a way of making me forget. She was an escape more dangerous than any fucking drug.

I had an addictive personality, and I craved, I desired, I
needed.

Her.

Knowing I’d see her tonight made me move a little faster. I stopped obsessing about the pills on the coffee table, and all I
could see, all I could think about, was her long blond hair and the way her lips had tasted.

When I had been with her at the movie theater, I never wanted to leave. I wanted to disappear inside her forever.

But I couldn’t handle disappointing her. I was already a failure in every other part of my life. Failing Aubrey had seemed like the worst thing I could do. Despite how drawn I was to her and how easy it would be to fall into normal with her, I couldn’t let myself indulge in it.

That wasn’t the life I was living.

It wasn’t the life I deserved.

So I had left her.

And I had gone straight to the other woman in my life, the one who would never let me go. She was a jealous bitch, and when I was with Aubrey I didn’t give her the attention she required.

Addiction was messy. It was consuming.

Addiction whispered in your ear, telling you that she’s the only one. She’s all you need.

It was easy to not think about Aubrey when I was high.

If addiction was consuming, so was lust. And desire.

Being with Aubrey had the potential to eradicate that other Maxx completely.

But I couldn’t let him go. I needed him.

And I was scared that the day would come when I would need Aubrey just as badly.

It would be a fight to the death.

And it was a fight that I didn’t think I could win.

chapter

fifteen

aubrey

m
axx was late for support group. I felt his eyes on me as he took his seat, but I refused to look his way. Every time I thought of him, all I could see was last weekend at Compulsion. Him selling drugs. Him taking drugs. Him allowing some slutty chick to rub up against him. Why is it that
that
seemed like the biggest betrayal? I was so stupid.

He is
bad news
. I had chanted that mantra in my head a thousand times a day since I’d made my unfortunate discovery. I tried really hard not to obsess about how easy it was for me to believe the lies he sold me. Even as I swore I wouldn’t fall for his act, that’s exactly what I had done.

I wasn’t sure if I was more disappointed with Maxx and his inability to be honest and forthright, or with my own gullibility for thinking that, somehow,
I
was the lucky girl who got to see the broken boy beneath the hard exterior. I felt angry and hurt, and I wasn’t sure how to cope with it. For someone who had spent a long time bottling up every emotion, feeling something so intensely was crippling.

The image of him hawking his drugs was intricately intertwined with the memory of kissing him. And touching him. And sharing secrets with him that I purposefully had kept deeply buried.

Damn him!

I spoke very little in group, sticking to the agreement I’d made with Dr. Lowell. However, that didn’t stop the rest of the group members from watching me like I was going to flip out again at any moment. Most of them seemed almost excited by the possibility.

I made notes and did my best to wear my professional, no-nonsense face. I listened when people were talking, nodding as if their one-word answers were the most profound statements I had ever heard.

Maxx did not get my attention, even though I knew he wanted it. He was his normal charismatic, energy-sucking self. But I wouldn’t allow myself to respond to him in any way, not even when he made a rather pointed remark meant for me alone.

“Would anyone like to share something positive from their week?” Kristie asked as a way to start off the group. Of course, no one jumped in to answer. Big surprise.

And, of course, it was Maxx who volunteered first.

“I’d like to share something.” Maxx’s deep voice seemed to reverberate in my ears. I kept my eyes firmly on my notebook, making manic little doodles in an attempt to zone him out.

“Great, Maxx,” Kristie encouraged, sounding excited as she always did when Maxx took over. And that’s what he did. He controlled the flow of the discussion. He moved and maneuvered things to fit his purpose.

I had started to overlook his glaringly self-centered agenda when I felt I had a chance at finding something more beneath his narcissistic surface. But that was before I knew exactly who he was.

“I had a date last weekend, with the most amazing and beautiful girl I have ever met,” Maxx began, and I felt myself flush. Shit, shit, shit! If anyone found out who that particular girl was, I wouldn’t be walking away with a halfhearted warning. I’d have my
ass kicked out of the counseling program faster than I could say
poor boundaries
.

“Really? That sounds great,” Kristie enthused. Twyla, the sorority girl who sat beside me, made an angry grunt under her breath.

Her friend Lisa leaned over and whispered. “You waited too long, T,” she teased. I peeked over at the girls, who both seemed less than thrilled by the news of Maxx’s fantastic date.

“We’ll see,” Twyla whispered back, smirking. I worked hard to rein in the urge to go bitch on her ass. The words
He’s mine
blossomed on my lips, and I pinched my mouth closed so I wouldn’t snarl them in some sort of animalistic impulse to stake my claim.

A claim I didn’t have, nor wanted to have.

I’ll just keep telling myself that over and over again, and then just maybe I’ll believe it.

“Yeah, we went to see a movie. Kind of lame, I know, but there’s something about this girl . . . we have this connection that I’ve never felt before,” he said softly.

I refused to look at him, though I knew he wanted me to. My heart constricted in my chest, and while a part of me did a happy dance, another part of me wanted to scream at him.

His words were nothing more than lip service, and the girlie, giggly part of me was overrun by a self-righteous anger.

I gritted my teeth and doodled more furiously in my notebook.

“That sounds very promising, Maxx. I’m happy you had such a positive experience,” Kristie said enthusiastically.

I decided to chance a glance at him. He wasn’t looking at me, for once. His attention was on Kristie, and everyone else’s was on him. So I took the time to study him, looking for the insincerity that I had convinced myself was there.

But his face was as open and genuine as I had ever seen it. A lump lodged firmly in my throat, and I felt my eyes burn. How could he know what those words meant to me, how much I
wanted them to be true?

I looked away before he caught me staring. The rest of the session passed, and I barely registered anything or anyone. I didn’t rise to the bait when Evan made a nasty comment about “interfering, self-righteous” people. Nor did I bat an eye when Maxx invariably contradicted him.

I was too focused on my internal struggle over Maxx freaking Demelo. Was he the guy who had looked at me with hope in his eyes? Or was he the man who lorded over a nightclub while he passed out poison? Both were equally frightening.

After support group was over, I helped Kristie clean up and put the chairs away. Clearly, my lack of engagement during group hadn’t gone unnoticed. As soon as we were alone, Kristie made it a point to mention it.

“Aubrey, I don’t want you to feel scared to speak in group now. You are my co-facilitator; I need you to be involved. There just has to be a boundary between you and them. You have to learn what’s okay to say and what should be kept silent. It’s a process. That’s why you’re here,” Kristie said, parroting Dr. Lowell’s words as we packed up the cups and put them back in the plastic sleeves.

“I guess I just need to find that balance,” I admitted, not sure what exactly she wanted me to say.

“You know, this isn’t for everyone,” Kristie said after a beat. I looked at her in shock, her words cutting me to the quick. It was becoming painfully obvious that I wasn’t winning any points with her. I knew she questioned my motivations for being a counselor. I could tell she was beginning to think I didn’t have the innate professionalism to manage my personal feelings and keep them separate.

And as more time had gone by, and the more interaction I had with Maxx, I knew, deep down, that Kristie’s fears were well
founded. I was crossing the line. I was being inappropriate. My feelings for Maxx were beginning to cloud everything.

But that didn’t mean I was ready to call it a day. I would fight for the life I wanted with everything I had—even if that meant a hefty dose of denial, denial, denial.

“What do you mean?” I asked hoarsely, trying to keep my voice even, but my emotions were a runaway freight train, and I couldn’t stop my lip from quivering as I tried to control my burgeoning tears.

Kristie put her hand on my shoulder in what felt like a condescending gesture. “I just mean that this is a tough field. Not everyone can hack it,” she explained and gave me a smile that was too placating to be genuine.

I had thought Kristie was a nice and competent counselor. Competent she may have been, but she was also a tad on the judgmental side. And it was obvious she was being very judgmental about me.

I didn’t bother to respond. I grabbed my things, put on my coat, and with a mumbled good night, I left.

“Hey.” I started at the sound of the deep voice. Maxx was leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets, a gray beanie pulled down over his hair. My stomach flipped at the sight of him, but my brain wasn’t so easily swayed.

I gave him a curt nod and continued walking down the hallway, my shoes clacking against the tile loudly.

“Aubrey, wait,” Maxx called out, but I didn’t slow down. Maxx was a bomb about to go off. He had destroyed the part of me that thought, however briefly, about throwing caution to the winds. He was a liar. He was a fake. And he was the one person capable of ruining my entire life.

“I’ve got to get going. I’ll talk to you later,” I called over my shoulder, picking up my pace. I heard his footsteps speed up,
and then his hand was wrapped around my arm, bringing me to a stop.

He pulled me down a dark corridor, his body blocking my exit. Seeing him like this in the shadows, I again felt like such an idiot for not recognizing him sooner.

“Why won’t you talk to me?” he demanded, sounding hurt by my dismissal. The guy was a pro. He could play emotions like they were the real deal. Too bad I had no idea whether what he was showing me was sincere.

“What’s there to say?” I asked tiredly, trying to push my way past him. Maxx moved to the side, his hands still locked around my upper arms, our chests brushing against each other. Maxx was quite a bit taller than me. It would be so easy to wrap my arms around him and lean in, nestling my head underneath his chin.

My body remembered all too well how it felt to touch him. It yelled at me to stop being so stubborn and to give in. But I wouldn’t—not now that I knew the truth.

“I think we have a lot to say to each other. I want to spend more time with you, Aubrey. Please,” he pleaded, his voice low and coaxing. His voice was like a sedative. It would be so easy to fall for whatever line he gave me.

I shook my head and tried to take a step back, but Maxx held me firm, not letting me move. “Let me go, Maxx,” I said firmly, struggling against his grip.

“Why are you acting like this? I thought last Saturday meant something. It did to me,” he murmured, loosening his hands and then dropping them from my arms. His chin dropped, and damned if he couldn’t pull off heartbroken with the best of them.

I snorted, causing him to look up at me in surprise. I rolled my eyes and smirked, even as my heart thudded in my chest. “You’re good, I’ll give you that,” I bit out coldly.

Something in Maxx’s eyes shattered, then shut down, and he
turned away as if he couldn’t bear to look at me. “Wow, that hurt,” he said quietly, pulling his beanie off and running a hand through his hair.

“If I thought anything you said was the truth, then maybe I’d believe that,” I retorted.

Maxx lifted his face, his brows knitted together. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked, beginning to sound frustrated.

I rolled my eyes again and attempted to back away, but Maxx wasn’t having it. He grabbed hold of me again. “Stop moving away from me. I thought you and I had the beginnings of something. What changed? Is it because I left you at the movie theater? Because I get that was a dick move. I just had somewhere I needed to be . . .”

“Like Compulsion?” I asked, cutting him off. Maxx’s face instantly went blank.

He affected such a convincing neutral expression that if I hadn’t seen him with my own eyes at the club, I would have believed him to be innocent when he asked, “What are you talking about?”

I leaned in and dropped my voice to a whisper, even though we were completely alone in the darkened hallway. “I saw you there. After you left me standing outside the movies. You were at Compulsion, and you weren’t selling Girl Scout cookies,” I told him, raising my eyebrows, feeling my anger simmer to the surface again.