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CORRINE ~ PRESENT DAY

O
wen pours the coffee. The sun rises and we see it come through the kitchen window. I haven’t slept. Owen heard me crying in the kitchen.

“None of this was supposed to happen, Owen. We never really fought except for him going on assignment. I asked him to stop for Haven and me. I asked him to sit behind a desk and read the news. Not be the news.”

Owen hands me my coffee and magically a glass of juice and my pill case appears. I look up at Owen angrily.

He snickers. “You can look at me like that all you want, Corrine, but you still have to take them.” He hands me half of a plain, non-toasted bagel, orders me to eat it and then down the pills.

“Mack always had his own ideas on what he needed to do. Some things were wrong, some right.”

I rub my sore and tired eyes with the palms of my hands.

“Yeah, well, the last one was a wrong one. Remember when he went to Haiti? I didn’t hear from him for four days. All I did was vomit. No one at the network wanted to hear from me because there wasn’t a fear of death. Now what do you think?”

Owen sips his coffee and puts his feet up on the kitchen table.

“I think we sit and wait for confirmation, Corrine.”

“You think he’s dead, don’t you?”

He takes his feet down and leans over and takes my hands in his.

“I don’t know. I want to tell you something different than that, Corrine, but I just . . . I don’t know, sweetie.”

Tears fall. I should be all dried up by now but I’m not. It’s so quiet. It’s so early. My baby girl is still sleeping, and Mom and Jocelyn haven’t come back from Jocelyn’s house yet. Dad went for a walk along the beach and I wish I could have gone with him.

“I think you need to think about where you go from here with Haven. I wouldn’t send her to school. I wouldn’t let her go to crazy Grandma’s house, and I’d keep her away from Mrs. Cooper too.”

I throw my hands up in frustration. “Then what do I do with the kid, Owen? Tell me? I can’t have her sit here with all of us looking like zombies waiting for someone to tell us they found his body. For fuck's sake, Owen.”

“Rinny?”

Haven appears at the doorway of the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

“Hi, Uncle Owen.” She goes to his wide spread arms and he wraps her into a hug.

“Did you sleep over last night?”

Owen and I look at one another. “Um, yep. I came into town for a meeting but it was canceled so I called Corrine last night and asked if I could come and take you for the day.”

She looks confused. “But I have school today.”

Owen motions his head to me, beckoning me to take the lead from here.

“Not today, baby. You don’t get to see Uncle Owen that much so he wants to spend time with you. So today is hooky day, but let’s keep it between us, okay?”

Haven nods, but there’s still an uncertainty in her eyes.

“I heard you yell, Rinny. Are you okay?”

I tap my lap for her to come and sit with me. She comes and perches herself on my knee, and I smooth out her unruly hair and kiss her head.

“I’m fine, baby. Why don’t you go brush your teeth and get ready to go with Uncle Owen.” She yawns and makes her way back upstairs.

“I owe you one.” He gets up and kisses the top of my head.

“You don’t owe me anything, Corrine. I’m going to go shower.” He walks out and I sit here, clutching this cup of coffee alone. More lies and temporary fixes. Less truth and more hiding the undeniable pain. More of me thinking what if. What if, every time Mack asked me to marry him, I said yes just once? I gave him ultimatum after ultimatum, and as the state of the world got worse, the quicker my answer got. Now? Not sure what my answer would be. He wanted to do a great service to his country but he did a disservice to his family. I think to how the ups and downs brought us to today. There were mostly the ups, but as I sit here, this is the biggest down. Why didn’t he stay? I begged him that last night. I cried to him as we slept with each other, I begged him not to leave Haven and me. It wasn’t worth it. The fear and the risks. I hung onto him that night like I wasn’t going to see him again. Call it a premonition of sorts, I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I wish I had an answer. I wish I had him here. I wish I’d gotten sick before he left. He wouldn’t have left if I were. He couldn’t. So this stupid disease would have caused pain either way. If I were sick before he left and he stayed, he’d find out the probability of more kids wasn’t much of an option, and he would eventually have a wife who couldn’t walk. A wife who would inevitably lose the control of her bowels and bladder and her ability to speak or swallow. He’d have a wife in a wheelchair. He’d sit and watch me wither away to nothing. Who would want to love me then? Would he love me then? Why would anyone want to stay with someone who is cursed? Maybe it’s better if he’s dead. He wouldn’t have to live his life watching me suffer. Would he even stay with me? Maybe it would all be too much for him. Maybe I’m the one better off dead. Maybe I’m the one who should be. I’ve never thought about it till this moment. Killing myself. I know I can’t. It’s all because of Haven. That’s why I don’t have the guts to do it. And I’m not selfish. I also think I’m a walking contradiction. I’m angry because that night Mack
was
selfish and he left us. Why did he leave us?

TWO HUNDRED THREE DAYS AGO

T
he routine before Mack goes on assignment is one I’m quite familiar with. I always take a sick day from the magazine the day before he leaves. We take Haven out for breakfast, then bring her to school. We go home and pack his things. We make love, stop to eat, and make love again. Argue over him leaving, him asking me to marry him, and me refusing until he tells me he’s taking a desk job. Opportunity after opportunity for him to be on camera at a cozy desk in one of the Manhattan news studios comes and goes like the seasons. Today is different though. I woke up with so many uneasy feelings. I don’t say much to him. I get ready for our day. He gets Haven ready for her day. I listen to them laugh and goof around as I sit and read the news on my phone. A sickness washes over me as I read about the spot in Syria he’s going to so he can cover a story about how there are a group of soldiers helping refugees build a new school for their young when theirs was torn apart by the war.

The two of them come out smiling and happy. Me not so much.

“Hey, Rinny, Daddy says when he gets back we’re going to talk with the travel agent to see where we should go for vacation. He said we should think about a few places to go while he’s away. Cool, right?” She looks so excited and I try to act just the same, but it’s difficult.

“Yep, sounds good, baby girl.”

Mack comes behind my chair and wraps his arms around me. He places a small kiss on my neck, then my ear. “Maybe a place with a beach and your parents can come, and my mom, and Lizzie, and Owen, and maybe a justice of the peace would be there, too. Thoughts?” I know what he’s getting at, and like so many other times he says shit like this, I’m not biting, so I stay silent and he feels my coldness.

He releases me and grabs Haven’s backpack. “Well then, kiddo, let’s get going.” I stand up and brush by him as I rest my empty coffee cup in the sink and grab my purse.

We have breakfast and walk Haven to her school. I watch their interactions. I study the way they are with each other. So playful, so full of love, and carefree. I see with each assignment he goes on, Haven having to say goodbye to him gets harder and harder. We spend as much time with her as we can. A lot of weekends she goes with Veronica’s mother, but she’s nuts and neither one of us feel as though she’s a good influence on Haven, but we don’t have a choice. Biologically, she's connected to her; she’s the only living person that is a part of her daughter. She has the right to see her granddaughter. Mack’s very fair about it. Even some holidays. He feels as though he owes Haven the chance to know her mother’s side of the family.

We both kiss her goodbye and wish her a good day. Tonight we’ll have dinner at our favorite Italian place and then when the sun rises he’ll be gone again.

“Do you want to go shopping or something?” I walk straight ahead not even glancing his way. I just answer.

“I still have a load of laundry to do before I finish packing for you, so no, I just want to go home.” I keep walking towards our building.

I go right up to the apartment and head for the bedroom. He follows me in, and I gather up some stuff to be washed.

He leans against the doorway of our bedroom.

“So are we going to just play charades today? Am I supposed to guess why you’re being like this or are you just going to tell me?”

I fling his suitcase up onto the bed and hastily open it and start shoving stuff into it.

“I’m fine. I have things to do. Why don’t you make sure you have all your credentials and I’ll do what I have to do in here?”

Mack walks over and shuts the lid to the suitcase and turns me by the shoulders towards him.

“I have nothing to do except find out what the problem is, Corrine. Talk to me, babe.”

I dip my chin, unable to look at him. “Don’t go.”

He pulls me in close and holds me. Mack’s arms are the safest spot to be in. That’s why I don’t want him to go.

“I have to, Rinny. This is a short trip. A day to get there, two days to do the story, three tops, a day to get home, then it’s all about editing the story. You know how this goes.”

I push out of his arms. “I know exactly how this goes, and I don’t want it anymore. I don’t want to feel this fear every time you leave. I can’t do this, Mack. I can’t. Every single time it gets harder.”

“Rinny, if I were a solider I wouldn’t have a choice. I’d have to go.”

“But you do have a choice, Mack. Take the damn desk job and stop risking your life.”

He sits on the corner of the bed and runs his hand through his hair and sighs.

“I feel like this is
Groundhog Day
or something. It’s the same conversation lately. This is my job, Corrine. I have a duty. I get paid a lot of money to do this. Haven will never have to pay a student loan for college like we did. We don’t have to struggle. We live in one of the nicest buildings in Manhattan. You walk around with designer handbags and jewelry, and I hear no complaints.”

When I find one of the said designer handbags on the chair near the doorway, I pick it up and throw it at his head. He fumbles with it and scrambles from the bed towards me. I hold up my hands and push at him when he reaches me.

“Fuck you, Mack. I could give a shit about handbags and jewelry. I care about us. That’s all. And for the record, I never asked for anything you've ever given me. They're presents. Material things that I don’t want. All I want is you, Mack. When is it going to get through your head that every time you walk out that door on an assignment, you put your life on the line? Why do you find it necessary to do that? If you can’t stop because I’m asking you to, stop for your daughter.”

His hand cups the side of my cheek and his eyes look at me with such a tender expression.

“Babe, I am doing this for her. I’m doing this for you, my mom, the memory of my dad, and for the thousands of people who have lost their lives because of those bastards. I know it’s hard for you to understand but the grief and anger I experienced when my father died rules something in me. It’s my calling. I need answers to such a senseless tragedy. I have to try to make a difference.”

The tears slip from my eyes as I hear his monologue. I place my hand on top of his and lean into his palm more. Wetness from my eyes falls onto his skin, and I choke back a sob. I look up at him, longing to make him understand.

“You make a difference every day, Mack. You make a difference to Haven and me. We should be enough.”

There’s a look in his eyes like he understands, but there's a part of him I can see through.

Without knowing what to say next, I remove his hand from my face and walk away. Carefully, I place the dry cleaning I picked up for him yesterday in his suitcase. There aren’t words. Only this very sick feeling inside my belly. Deep within the caverns of my soul, I can’t explain this feeling of dread. I should be used to feeling like this, but I’m not.

“I’m just going to finish this up. Make sure you call your mom. Tell her Haven and I will see her this weekend.”

“Rinny . . .”

He tries to speak. I won’t allow it.

My voice cracks a little.

“Please, Mack. Not now.” I can no longer feel him standing behind me. A few moments later, I hear him on the phone with Jocelyn. I go into the bathroom and shut and lock the door. I fall against the back of it and cover my mouth stifling my cries. I shake uncontrollably. Why can’t he just understand how much
we
need him? He’s all I ever needed.

After dinner, we watched a movie with Haven. I study the both of them as they cuddle on the couch. I think about how wonderful our life is. Haven goes to a wonderful, private school. We moved into a bigger apartment with spectacular views of the city. I think about all of our accomplishments as a family. The memories we’ve made with vacations and holidays. I smile when I think of our parents and how happy they are that we’re all a family. Not that we weren’t before. The day our parents moved next to each other, we all became a family.