Leaving Normal (40 page)

"It's okay. Sometimes, in order to grow and evolve, you have to get hurt in the process."

"She seems strong. Just like her mother."

"Thanks, Tony. I appreciate that."

He nodded, giving Natalie time to say something further. When she didn't, he said, "I had a good time at your house on Easter. Having both sides of our families there was interesting. I wondered how it would go, but it was great. Sometimes your family drives you crazy, but it's a good crazy."

"I know exactly what you mean."

He sat on her porch, its concrete warm from the afternoon sun. The day was cloudless, the air warmer than it had been in a long time. He put his face up to the sun, enjoying its heat on his skin. Then he straightened.

Natalie's shoulder-length blond hair was twisted into a hair claw, wispy pieces framing her face. She continued to work the ground, using a spade to overturn the earth, then she planted a purple pansy.

She dusted her hands off, sat back on her heels. "I wanted to come over many times, but with Cassie here…I just couldn't."

"I understand. Can you come over tonight?"

"I…" She rose to her feet, came to him and gave him a kiss. "Yes, I was hoping you'd ask me."

Later that night, as they lay naked in bed together, Tony wondered when the time would come that things would change between them, that they'd take a new direction. Now wasn't the time to talk about it.

He rolled onto his side, caressed Natalie's cheek and kissed her. Her arms rose, cupped his neck and brought his mouth closer to hers. He loved the feel of her naked, the touch of her body pressed next to his.

For now, this was enough.

But a week later, after Tony and Natalie had taken turns spending the night at each other's houses, after long hours of making love and getting to know every intimate inch of each other, he felt he needed an answer. A definitive place to go in the relationship.

They were in her big bathtub, Natalie settled between his legs and the bubbles of the bath surrounding them. Candlelight flickered off the walls, the fragrance of roses in the air. Her back was pressed next to his chest and he kissed the side of her neck.

"Natalie, I think it's time we got serious." His statement caught her attention. "I really want to spend more time with you."

Her response wasn't immediate. "We spend a lot of time together."

"But it's filler time—and I don't mean that in a negative way. I want quality time. Assurances that this is for real."

She turned toward him a little; he studied her profile.

"Tony, I care about you, too, but I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment right now. I'm actually scared about taking that step with anyone, so it's not just you."

"Then why does it feel like it's me?"

"Because you're the one I have to say it to. Keeping our relationship the way it is works for me. And if you want more…I can't. I really care about you, but my marriage ended, my daughter is in college and my business is keeping me running. I know you don't mean to, but I feel like you've been pressuring me to make more out of us than there is, than there ever will be. I'm just not ready." She looked directly into his eyes, a sadness coming into her gaze. "I'm sorry…1 wish I could give you a better answer. Maybe we need to spend a bit of time apart. I have to think about all this."

Tony's eyebrows pulled into a frown. He rubbed his jaw, but didn't say what he wanted to say. There was no point, not right now. "Okay."

If she wanted time, he had just as much of it as she did.

"I went to the doctor and had my hormones tested." Natalie and Sarah were cleaning out the floral shed, and Natalie blurted out her next words. "She said they're normal. She suggested I go on the Pill, but I told her no. I'm going through this cold turkey and I
know
I'm perimenopausal."

"How can that be if the hormone test was okay?"

"Then why am I having these damn hot flashes and night sweats?"

"I don't know. Changes in your body that can't be explained." Sarah swept the floor, then paused and in an accusatory tone asked, "Why did you
really
get your hormones tested? I think it's because you're thinking about Tony and a baby, aren't you?"

"Absolutely not." The response was spoken a bit too quickly and too defensively. She sighed, frowned. "Maybe a little. Yes. I had that thought in the back of my mind, but it was more to prove to myself that I can't get pregnant, so why even give it a second thought?"

Sarah set the boom aside. "Why aren't you seeing him anymore?"

"We're taking a break."

"Oh, I hate that phrase. It's the kiss of death whenever someone in a relationship says that."

"Maybe you're right. I want to end it. Being with Tony made me get involved, lose my head a little. I'm halfway out, have been struggling with this for weeks. I can't go back now. I'm going to call him tonight and tell him."

"But you don't have to."

Natalie lowered herself onto the chair. "I have to." Then with more conviction, as if to convince herself, "I have to because it's for the best."

Later that night, Natalie called Tony.

"Hi, Tony, it's Natalie." Why did her voice sound so distant?

"You're calling things off," he said, not waiting for her to say anything further.

"Yes…it's for the best. I'm just not ready."

"Would you ever be ready, Natalie? Do you ever think the timing is right for anything?"

His defensive tone made her sit up straighter. She was hurting him and she felt awful about it. "I don't know. Right now, I just don't know what I'm doing."

"Then take more time."

"But I—"

"Take more time to think about it."

Then the line disconnected.

* * *

Tony and Rocky Massaro drove up to McCall for an overnight fishing trip. They'd spent hours out on a row-boat, baiting hooks and casting lines, talking about what women wanted, if they even knew or would ever have a clue.

At the end of a long day, they sat in the hotel bar over beer and fried onion rings with ranch dip.

"I don't know, dude," Rocky said. "I think I've had the most success with women when I've treated them like shit. Some of them want you to treat them badly." He knocked back the last of his beer. "I feel your pain, but you're asking me my opinion and all it's worth is what it's worth, which is nada."

Tony sat back on the bar stool knowing he'd never treat Natalie like shit. So if that's what she wanted, forget it.

"Let's check out that nightclub over by the shore," Rocky suggested, throwing a bill on the counter to pay their bar tab.

Tony stood, thinking some loud music and another beer would be a good time killer. "Okay."

The next morning, they decided to go to the Pancake House for a late breakfast. They hadn't gone to bed until three and were dragging when they sat in the booth and ordered two cups of black coffee.

There must have been some kind of women's retreat in the resort town because the restaurant was filled with them.

When the waitress came back to top off their coffee, Tony asked, "What are all the women doing in here?"

"Holistic convention."

"A what?" Rocky asked, his eyebrow quirking. His hair was ruffled since he'd neglected to comb it after he'd gotten out of bed.

"They're spiritualists. They channel rocks and stuff." The waitress moved on, and Rocky made a face.

"What's that mean? Rock channeling?"

"They talk to rocks and are into waterfalls." Tony drank his coffee. "I think it's like energy healing."

"Hey, I smoked weed in high school when I wanted to talk to a rock and it worked."

Tony chuckled.

The women's voice roses octaves too high for the slight hangover Tony was nursing. Each time a woman walked by their table, she smiled at him; some giggled and others were more blatant with their gazes. One even dropped her purse just so she could bend over and get it, allowing him a good view of her behind.

Rocky said, "I don't know why you're asking me what women want because you seem to have it in spades. You don't even have to do anything and they want you."

Tony didn't recognize what it was about him that made him so appealing. Yeah, he was okay to look at, but these women didn't know him. He might have had a rock for a brain—but then, they liked rocks.

As their breakfast order came, Tony said, "Maybe women do find me attractive, but I'm not some boy toy."

"Oh, Jesus, Cruz, we all want to be boy toys. You're full of it." Rocky shot ketchup on his eggs. "Talk like that, you sound like you're in love with her."

Tony didn't say anything. He couldn't.

Maybe he had fallen in love with Natalie. God knew it felt as if he were headed in that direction sometimes. Other times, he'd prevented himself from letting go because he hadn't been ready.

What started out as just having an enjoyable time, having fun with each other, had turned serious for him. He wanted her in his life, but he wanted her on his terms. No barriers. Whatever happened, happened.

And yet, he wasn't willing to give up his dream of being a father. He wondered if she'd consent to fertility treatments. Would that be an option she'd be willing to explore even though she'd made it clear she was done with parenting?

He'd been getting to a place where he had to make a decision about Natalie—if he wanted to continue to give her time to think about what she wanted, or if he should just give up. Maybe he should start seeing other women. The trouble was, no other women interested him.

He was comfortable with Natalie, felt good around her. The sex was really good, too. Great, in fact. He missed having her in his bed, sleeping next to her.

He didn't like being alone.

Maybe he had been putting too much pressure on the women in his life. Maybe that's why Kim left him, and that's why Natalie needed breathing room.

Tony pushed a grocery cart through Albertson's and headed into the produce section. Because he was with the fire department, he'd gotten into the bad habit of shopping daily or every other day, rather than once a week to stock up. The firemen always pooled their money to buy what they needed for dinner that night, then they'd drive the truck to the store in the late afternoon, pick up steaks or ground beef, sometimes chicken in the summer for a barbecue. The station usually had condiments, but that didn't mean they were edible. The refrigerator wasn't cleaned out all that frequently, and sometimes it was better to buy a new jar of mayo than trust the one that had been in there with the lid not screwed on tight.

Selecting some navel oranges, he dropped the plastic bag into his cart. Tony was pushing forward when a familiar voice greeted him.

"Well, hi there! I thought that was you." Alisa, the floor nurse from Swallow Hill, came up to him.

"Hey, Alisa."

"I haven't seen you in a few. C Shift has been getting the majority of calls." She laughed. "Sometimes I wish that one of the patients would get a case of something on your shift."

She stood closer; he could smell perfume on her. Store-bought. Not the same soft and floral scent that clung to Natalie.

Tony almost wished he could be attracted to Alisa.

"You never can predict what'll happen," Tony said, pushing forward to continue shopping. "Sometimes we're called out to the same place two or more times a night. Other times, we never get there all week."

"Oh, I know. I just like seeing you."

He was well aware of that. She couldn't be more obvious. He hated to come right out and tell her he wasn't interested; he did, after all, have to work with her to a degree and it was strained enough as it was with all this polite bull he tried to keep up. He kept hoping she'd get the hint.

Alisa followed him to the lettuce as he selected a head and tossed it in a bag. "What have you been up to?"

"Nothing much."

"Aren't you anxious for warmer weather?" She gave him no opportunity to reply, and answered the question herself. "I am. I'm looking forward to summer. Do you ever go up to the lake?"

"Sometimes."

"Me, too. I like to go to Lucky Peak. I go with my girlfriends or I go with my cousin. She was dating a guy who had a boat, but they broke up over Christmas so there goes that. I was teasing her about getting a new boyfriend who has a boat."

His mind half heard what Alisa was going on about as he glanced up and saw Natalie pushing a cart toward him.

Their eyes met at the same time, a warmth filling his heart, and he gave her a lift of his chin and a smile. It was automatic; he was really glad to see her.

"Tony," Alisa was saying and he grew aware of her hand on his while it rested on the grocery handle. He gazed at her, then slid his hand away. The gesture had taken him off guard for a second. "I'd like to ask you out. I know you're not married anymore. I asked. I really want the chance to get to know you."

Just as Alisa said the latter, Natalie came within earshot. She paused, uncertain, then changed direction, obviously thinking he was interested in Alisa. How the hell she got that impression, he had no clue.

Natalie bypassed the produce, rounded the corner and headed down the coffee aisle.

Gritting his teeth, Tony turned to Alisa. "You're a nice girl, don't get me wrong, but I'm not looking for anyone right now."

"But…"

"Alisa, let it go. We have to work around each other, it would just be too uncomfortable."

"But…"

"I gotta go."

Tony left the produce even though he wasn't done shopping there. He searched the coffee aisle, didn't see

Natalie, carried on and found her at the baking mixes studying a box of brownies. He had to smile.

"Life's treating you that bad?"

She met his gaze. "This is for emergencies."

Everything inside Tony suddenly felt right, put back together. He hadn't realized just how much he'd missed hearing her voice, seeing the color in her eyes and a blush from the cool air dust her cheeks.

"How have things been going?" he asked.

"The plumbing is messed up at my shop again. I got a violation code on my sign and I might have to take it down for a smaller one, and one of my regular customer's checks bounced. Other than that—fine." She put the box back on the shelf, selected another with double-chocolate chunks. She tossed it into her cart.