Leaving Paradise (19 page)

thirty-eight

Maggie

I had everything I wanted and I screwed it up. Caleb loved me, all I had to do was show him my scars to prove to him how much I trust and love him back.

But I couldn’t. Something was pulling me back into my protective shell.

I told my mom I was too sick to go to school today, so I’m lying in bed. The dress Mrs. Reynolds bought me is hanging in my closet, a cruel reminder of the most romantic evening of my life. I won Caleb and lost him just as quick.

When he took me home and we parted, he gave me a small smile and said we’ve always been friends, and we’d remain friends.

That’s the most important thing. Right?

So why have I been crying the entire morning?

I call Mrs. Reynolds’ house to see how she’s doing after last night.

Mr. Reynolds answers the phone. “Hello?” he says, his voice shaken.

“Hi, it’s Maggie . . . Margaret. Is Mrs. Reynolds there?”

Mr. Reynolds doesn’t say anything for a long time, and my throat gets a huge lump in it.

“My mom died this morning, Maggie.”

“No,” I whisper as my life comes crashing down on me. “It can’t be true. We were together. Last night she was dancing and laughing and—”

“She was grateful to have you in her life,” he says. “She loved you as a granddaughter. More than that, she loved you as a friend.”

“Where is she? Was she alone when she died?”

Mr. Reynolds sniffles. “They just took her away in an ambulance. She died in her sleep, no pain. Her heart has been bad for years, Maggie. It was only a matter of time.”

Tears roll down my cheeks as I remember the times we spent in the past few months. She taught me so much about life. “The daffodils . . . she’ll never see the daffodils come up,” I say, stifling my emotions.

“Mama loved those daffodils, didn’t she?”

I don’t know what else to say to him. Mrs. Reynolds may have been up in years, but there was so much she still had planned. Having my mom and me over for dinner, watching the daffodils bloom in the spring. Eating Irina’s pies.

“I’ll miss her.”

“I know you will. She never wanted a funeral. She said they’re just an excuse for depressed people to make senseless chatter.”

I smile wistfully. “That sounds like her.” She just accused me of it yesterday, which reminds me . . . “A dress. She bought a dress.”

“The blue one slung over the chair in her bedroom?”

“Yeah. If she’s going to be buried . . .” I can’t even get out the words.

“I’ll make sure of it. Listen, if you want to come over and take something from the house before we sell it, you can.”

“You can’t sell the house.” The daffodils, the gazebo . . . everything she cared about in the last two months are for nothing.

In the evening, my mom drives me over to Mrs. Reynolds house for the last time. She’s holding my hand as Lou greets us. “Take anything you want, Maggie.”

In the laundry room, all clean and folded, is the muumuu.

I pick it up and clutch it to my chest. It was Mrs. Reynolds’ way of protecting me, covering my clothes so I wouldn’t get dirty. “Can I have this?” I ask.

Mr. Reynolds seems surprised I’d want it, but says, “I was serious when I said
anything
.”

There’s two more things I want. I head to the kitchen and open cabinets until I find it. My mom is shrugging to Mr. Reynolds, who is as baffled as her. “It’s got to be around here somewhere. Aha.” I open one of the top drawers and on a piece of old, stained and ripped linen paper is her favorite Snickerdoodle cookie recipe.

“Anything else?”

“One more thing.”

Mom and Mr. Reynolds follow me up to the attic. I head for the trunk and open it up. Holding up a picture frame, I say “This is the last thing.”

Mr. Reynolds says, “It’s yours.”

I stare at the picture of two people madly in love on their wedding day.

May they both rest in peace.

thirty-nine

Caleb

Maggie wasn’t at school yesterday, and I haven’t seen her all morning. Twice today I’ve passed by her locker, but she’s been as elusive as a ghost.

During third period I can’t focus. So I take the bathroom pass and head out the door. But I don’t head straight to the bathroom. I turn the corner and go down the hall where I know her locker is. I’ve turned into a stalker.

“Looking for someone, Caleb?” It’s Kendra, with a hall pass of her own dangling from her fingers. “Maggie Armstrong, perhaps?”

“Stop playing games with me, Kend.”

She flashes a wicked smile. “No, seriously. I just don’t get what you see in her.”

“Nothing,” I say just to get my ex off my back. “I see nothing in Maggie Armstrong. If anything she’s been a distraction because I can’t have you.” The bullshit is flying because I need to protect Maggie and Leah at all costs.

The sound of someone behind me makes me turn around. It’s Maggie. She’s heard every lying word out of my mouth.

Kendra slinks toward her. “Caleb, did you tell Maggie the truth about the accident?”

“Kendra. Don’t,” I say in a warning tone. “Or I’ll clue Brian in about what’s been going on between you and me. Isn’t your dad’s election next week?”

If Kendra had claws, they’d be out and she’d be murderous.

Maggie hobbles toward me. “What’s been going on between you and Kendra, Caleb?”

Kendra puts her hands on her hips, ready for this battle to begin. “Yeah, Caleb. Tell her how many times we’ve been together since you came back.”

What can I say? I want to tell Maggie the truth, I’m going to tell her the truth. About everything. But not here, not in front of Kendra. She’s got nothing to do with me and Maggie.

“Say something,” Maggie orders, her eyes on fire.

When I don’t, she slaps me and limps away.

————

I hate pep rallies. So I find it insane that I’m stuck in the middle of one today, of all days. But here I am, in the center of the crowd of athletes while the cheerleaders lead the rest of the school in pepping the entire student body.

As if a bunch of wrestlers want to be “peppy.” But the guys’ll take any excuse to ditch class for an hour.

Meyer stands at the podium as if he’s the president of the United States instead of principal of a small-town school. “Settle down, everyone. Settle down.” The place is still noisy, but it’s the best he’s going to get and he knows it. “This is a time to celebrate the students who represent the Paradise Panthers in athletics.”

The crowd starts getting restless, the gymnasium floor vibrating from the noise.

“Settle down. Settle down. We’re going to honor our athletes this afternoon. Each coach is going to come up and announce the members of their teams. Let’s start with our largest team . . . football!”

This sets the cheerleaders into a frenzy, kicking and cartwheeling all over the gym.

“Put your hand up when I call your name,” the football coach says. “Adam Albers, Nate Atkins, Max Ballinski, Ty Edmonds . . .” The list goes on and on for what seems like forever.

I’m standing next to Brian. “This is torture, man.”

“Tell me about it,” he says.

But when Coach Wenner gets up to the podium, the guys on the Paradise wrestling team are never ones to take a back seat. A roar goes up behind me. “Wee-ner! Wee-ner! Wee-ner!”

The guys are pronouncing the coach’s name wrong on purpose. I bet Wenner is already planning how many extra push-ups he’ll make the team do in practice to make up for it.

The rest of the school gets into it, even as the teachers are trying to put a kabash on the latest chant.

“Wee-ner! Wee-ner.”

“Okay, ha ha, very funny. You had your laugh, now let’s get to it,” Coach says. “Andy Abrams, Caleb Becker, Adrian Cho, David Grant . . .”

Even though our school is small, it takes a while to get through all the names.

Finally, after more than an hour stuck in this hot gym, Meyer gets back on the mic and dismisses us to our sixth period classes. Trying to get out is like a mob scene. Everyone is as restless as I am to escape. But I’m hanging back.

I scan the bleachers. My sister is looking down, oblivious to anything except the stairs. Maggie is standing with the rest of the mob pushing through to get out. She looks so fragile standing there, like a bird surrounded by an elephant stampede.

There’s some pushing and shoving. Two junior guys are fighting. And it’s right where Maggie is. “Maggie, watch out!” I yell, but she can’t hear me. She doesn’t notice the commotion behind her, but I’m too late and it’s too noisy. The guy is pushed into Maggie, who trips over two steps and lands flat on her knee.

“Maggie!” I yell, pushing people out of the way to get to her. I finally reach her and kneel next to her. “Maggie, you okay?”

She blinks, looks like she’s going to be sick, and sits up.

“Mag-ie, Mag-ie, Mag-ie,” the crowd starts chanting.

I look up at the crowd and yell, “Shut the fuck up!” but nobody is listening. I grab Maggie’s elbow. She tries to pull away but I hang on tight. “Are you okay?” I ask once she’s standing. Most of the kids have stopped chanting her name, but a few assholes still have nothing better to do.

Drew grabs my shoulder and pulls me back. “Caleb, what are you helping her for? The bitch was responsible for putting you in jail.”

I take my fist and slam it right into Drew’s face. He charges me and we’re at each other’s throats, fists flying, until Wenner and another coach break us up.

“Where’s Maggie?” I ask.

Wenner looks at me like I’ve lost it. “At the nurse.”

“I’ve got to see her.”

“The only thing you’re seeing is the principal’s office, Becker. What’s
wrong
with you?”

I’m escorted to Meyer’s office. I have no choice since Wenner has my wrists pinned behind my back. “Wait here for Mr. Meyer,” the coach orders.

But as soon as he leaves the office, I hop over the front desk and open the nurse’s door. Maggie’s pants are rolled up just above her knees.

My gaze immediately focuses on her scars.

The angry lines from where the doctors must have sewed her up are pink and look like her leg has been clawed by a fierce animal.

By her knee, where the biggest sets of marks are, I think is a skin graft, because it’s a darker shade and doesn’t match the rest of her soft, ivory skin.

Tearing my gaze away from her leg, I look up at her. “I’m so sorry, Maggie,” I say.

Her expression is hard, her eyes shuttered. “Go away, Caleb. Or do you want to take a picture so you could show Kendra? Then you’d both have something else to laugh about.”

forty

Maggie

Caleb doesn’t even know Mrs. Reynolds died. When I saw him in the hall this morning, I was going to tell him. But then I caught Caleb and Kendra together. Before our relationship started, I could understand. But I thought he liked me enough not to need someone else. I thought what we had was real. Ugh. I don’t want to think about Kendra Greene and her perfect blonde hair and her perfect, perky boobs or the perfect way she walks.

But I can’t help it.

Because I’m not perfect.

I’m sitting in the nurse’s office to prove it. Ever since Caleb stood there frozen, gawking at the scars on my leg, I’ve been dying to get out of here. “Can I go back to class now?”

The school nurse is bent over my leg with rubber gloves, examining it. She looks up. “Does it hurt?”

You mean my heart? “No. It’s fine,” I say. “Really.”

“There’s a little blood here. I’m concerned there might be internal damage.”

“It’s just a little scratch,” I say as the woman is putting antiseptic on a cotton ball and rubbing blood off my knee. “A big deal was made for nothing.”

I know why Caleb came running over to me and acted all concerned. It’s because he feels guilty that I overheard details about his relationship with Kendra. Drew was only telling the truth, that I was responsible for putting him in jail. Caleb and I should never have started talking. We should have kept ignoring each other at Mrs. Reynolds’ house.

Because if we didn’t talk, I wouldn’t be so connected to him.

If we didn’t talk, I wouldn’t have kissed him and wanted more. I wouldn’t have let him manipulate me.

Nurse Sandusky doesn’t look happy as I get down off of the examining table and carefully lower my pant leg. But I’m not going to sit here and sulk all day. I’m going to get up and stand tall—to Caleb, to Drew, to Kendra . . . and whoever else decides to get in my way.

When I’m dressed, I breathe a sigh of relief. My scars are covered. So why do I feel so exposed? Because Caleb has seen the scars from the injuries he put on my body. The forever scars that will make me think of him and the accident every day of my life.

Unfortunately I have to pass Meyer’s office on my way out. Caleb is sitting in front of the secretary’s desk, his head slumped in his hands.

As if he knows I’m watching him, he lifts his head up. His eyes bore into me as if they’re seeking warmth or connection. Does he think I’m a fool who wants to be humiliated? I look away, wait for the nurse to write me a pass, and leave the office as fast as I can.

As if the day couldn’t get worse, Kendra and Hannah are walking down the hall. They haven’t seen me yet. I duck into the girls’ bathroom . . . I’ve had enough for one day.

I look at myself in the bathroom mirror. Dull hazel eyes, hair that hasn’t decided if it wants to be dark or light, and a nose that’s too big for my face. On top of all those flaws, I have a limp.

How could I ever have thought I could compete with perfect Kendra Greene?

The bathroom door creaks open. I hide in one of the stalls and soon enough I hear Kendra say, “I can’t imagine the two of them kissing. Can you?”

“Puh-leaze, Kend, don’t gross me out. Caleb is, like, Hollywood tough guy and Maggie is, like, a total dork. She probably kisses with her lips all pursed and her hands at her sides.”

“
Exactly
. You should have seen her this morning. I thought she was going to cry right in the middle of the hall.”

The two of them laugh.

I want to die. Forget standing tall, deep down I really am a dork and a coward.

I peek through the door opening. Hannah is putting on her lipstick while Kendra is playing with her big, blonde hair.

“He’s always going to love you. You two have a bond that can’t be broken,” Hannah says.

Kendra stops playing with her hair and leans against one of the sinks. “Caleb told Brian he was interested in Maggie to throw him off.”

“Why Maggie? Isn’t she the least likely person to snag him? He
did
hit her with his car, you know. And she milks it for all it’s worth.”

Kendra hesitates.

“What?” Hannah asks.

“Did you check under the stalls?”

Oops. I’m dead meat. Balancing on top of the toilet seat with a bum leg is not an option.

The door to one of the stalls creaks open. Oh, no. I’m trying to peek through the door, but I don’t want to stumble or make any sounds to alert them I’m spying.

“You two are so pathetic. You should have looked before you started babbling about your pathetic lives.”

It’s Sabrina, my cousin.

“What did you hear?” Kendra says.

“What do you think? I heard all of it.”

“And you’ll keep it to yourself, won’t you Sabrina?”

Sabrina puts her hands on her hips. “I don’t know. Why don’t you stop spreading rumors about my cousin? She may limp, but she’s got more to admire than both of you put together.”

The other girls stare at Sabrina as if she sprouted wings, totally shocked that the follower finally proved she has a mind of her own.

“Get a grip, Sabrina. Don’t forget, you were a loser and Maggie was in your spot a year ago. Just because you’re friends with Brianne and Danielle now doesn’t mean you’re suddenly hot shit.”

She’s right. I wasn’t nice to Sabrina when I was on top and she was struggling to keep friends that didn’t hide in the library during lunch. I think Kendra’s words are going to bring Sabrina down a notch, but my cousin doesn’t miss a beat.

“Kendra, I used to worship the ground you walked on because you were pretty and popular and had a boyfriend the rest of the girls only dreamed they could get. I wanted to be popular, to be like you. Now I just think you’re pathetic.”

“You’d better watch yourself, Sabrina, or you might just find yourself a loser again so quick your head will spin.” Kendra’s eyes are wide and wild, and I think if she had superpowers they’d melt Sabrina with that one stare. But she doesn’t have superpowers. Hannah is standing behind Kendra with her thumb and forefinger in an “L” on her forehead, directing it toward Sabrina.

While Sabrina is sticking up for me and being threatened, I’m hiding out like a coward. My palms are sweaty. I realize it’s my own fear holding me back. I watch my cousin sticking up for me knowing the end result is not going to be pretty. I feel Mrs. Reynolds’ spirit giving me courage.

I push the stall door open wide, the loud creak alerting all three to my presence.

Sabrina’s face is as shocked as Kendra’s and Hannah’s.

Kendra gives a nervous laugh, but recovers quickly. “Is this, like, the designated loser bathroom and I never got the memo?”

“You’re just like your cousin,” Hannah says to me. “One who’ll always follow in the footsteps of girls like me and Kendra.”

I hobble next to my cousin. “Hannah, you and Kendra have it all. And yet . . . you’re
both
empty shells, nothing worthwhile on the inside. I wouldn’t follow you even if it meant healing my legs.”

“I think the accident damaged your brain.” Kendra spits out the words like a dragon would spit fire at its enemy.

Sabrina is watching me in shock. I know I haven’t been strong since the accident. I never stick up for myself and I focus on my flaws instead of my assets. Spending time with a strong woman like Mrs. Reynolds must have rubbed off on me. And spending time with Caleb the past few months has made me feel attractive and beautiful. I just . . . deep down I can’t believe he was lying to me. Admiration shined through the depths of his eyes. His fingers trembled when he traced my lips or touched my face. A guy like Caleb, who hides his emotions, couldn’t fake those intense reactions even if he wanted to.

Kendra shakes her head and sneers at me. “If Caleb gave you any attention, he just felt sorry for you.”

I’m sure he did . . . but what we shared went way beyond that. “I wouldn’t sneer if I were you,” I say to Kendra. “It doesn’t suit your face.”

My cousin turns to me. “Caleb? No, it can’t be true. Can it?”

I nod.

“
The
Caleb Becker? Leah Becker’s brother, Caleb Becker?”

I cock my head to the side and nod some more.

Sabrina’s mouth drops open and her eyes bug out.

Like a shock wave, I realize Caleb had been right all along. Going to Spain was just a copout, a way to escape people and a way for me to forget the accident for a little while. But the accident happened. There is no way to forget it. And I limp. I have to face the fact I will never be the same as before.

It’s okay. I’m okay. Taking a deep breath, I realize something . . .

I feel stronger and more alive than I did before the accident.

The door to the bathroom opens. Mrs. Gibbons walks into the bathroom. Her eyebrows go up when she witnesses our little confrontation. “Aren’t you all supposed to be in class?”

None of us answer. Kendra is staring at me, Hannah keeps looking from Kendra to me and back to Kendra, Sabrina still has her mouth open in shock, and I’m not revealing anything.

“Okay, then. Let’s all take a little trip to Mr. Meyer’s office so he can get to the bottom of this.”

“Fine with me,” I say.

“Me, too,” Sabrina says, backing me up. I owe a big apology to her for being such a jerk before the accident. Sometimes you have to steer away from the crowd in order to be a better person. It’s not always easy, that’s for sure. But it’s right. And sometimes doing the right thing feels so good. Even if it does end up in a trip to the principal’s office.

Kendra’s eyes are still spitting fire. “What
ever
.”

“Yeah, what
ever
,” Hannah says, doing an embarrassing imitation of her best friend. I almost feel sorry for her.

We all follow Mrs. Gibbons to the front office. Sabrina is looking at me, wide-eyed. “No way! Caleb Becker?” she mouths silently.

It’s not Kendra’s fault she’s beautiful and pretty. It’s not even Caleb’s fault for being attracted to her. It doesn’t even matter.

What matters is that I’m not carrying around feelings of hatred and betrayal. It’s been too exhausting. Mrs. Reynolds was right.

I don’t hate Kendra.

I don’t hate Leah.

I don’t hate Caleb.

I’m feeling stronger than I have in . . . well, I can’t even remember when. All I know is that I feel good. No, better than that. I feel strong.