Leaving Yesterday (24 page)

“Dear Father, you are a mighty and perfect God, perfectly holy. Unfortunately, people who do your work, well, we’re not.” I thought about my resignation letter, tucked safely in my purse. I would give it to Ken on my way out, but now was not the time for all that. “God, as you know, I have been living a lie for a long time now. I’ve pretended to be stronger and more in control than I am, because I felt like that’s what I was supposed to do. Forgive me. Forgive us all. Amen.”

I looked down at so many faces that were familiar to me. People I had counseled, people I had put on my bravest face for. I returned to my usual seat for perhaps the very last time. The life that I had always known, the one I had spent so much effort cultivating … it was over.

Thirty-Two

I waited until after dinner Sunday night before I called Rick. “I need to talk to you about something. Can you come over?” I could hear my pulse thrumming in my ears. I dreaded telling Rick almost more than I dreaded the police.

“What’s up?”

“I’d rather talk in person.”

He hesitated before he answered, and for a moment I thought he was going to refuse. Then he sighed and said, “Yeah, I’ll be right over.”

I made a big deal about setting Caroline up in her room with the portable TV and her latest favorite DVD. This was such a rare treat, she was too happy to be suspicious. After the movie began, I kissed her on her forehead and closed the door to her room on my way out. I hoped she wouldn’t realize her father was downstairs until after the explosion. Then, of course, I would have to tell her. There was no way to keep something like this from her, and I wanted her to hear the truth from me. But I was going to tell Rick first.

I stood by the front window and watched for him. As soon as I saw the flash of his headlights as he pulled into the driveway, I went out to meet him. “Caroline doesn’t know you’re here, and I’d just as soon keep it that way while we talk.”

After studying my face for what seemed like forever, he simply nodded. “All right.”

I led him into the sunken living room—not because it had always been our favorite room in the house, nor because the leather sofa and matching recliners held such fond memories of family times from years past. No, I chose this room because it was the farthest possible from Caroline’s room. Even if she did hear voices, which likely she would after Rick got started, we’d at least hear her coming down the stairs before she got to us.

“I’ve got some things to tell you.” I rubbed my temples between my two hands. “You’re not going to like this very much.”

“So I’ve gathered. What is it?”

“When Kurt was in rehab, Coach Brooks brought over some boxes of his things. Kurt had been living in a small cabin near one of their avocado orchards. After Kurt went to live with Jodi, I remembered the boxes and decided to go through them and get all his things cleaned up for him. You know, wash clothes, things like that.” I squeezed my eyes tight together, trying to shut out the images that were flooding my mind. It only made the picture more vivid, so I opened them and looked at Rick. “I found something at the bottom of one of the boxes.”

“What kind of something?”

It was too late to turn back now, but oh how I wanted to. Still, I had no choice at this point, so I took a deep breath. “The bat.”

“The bat?” He looked at me in total confusion.

I didn’t bother to answer him. Instead, I watched his face as the pieces slowly fell into place. I knew the exact second he understood. A string of expletives flew from his mouth that could make an average mafia guy blush. “You’ve got to be joking! You’ve known all this time, you’ve had the bat all this time, and you didn’t say anything to me about it? How could you have kept something like this from me?”

“Of course I didn’t say anything about it. I knew exactly what you’d do.”

“Oh really? And exactly what would I have done, Miss Mind Reader?”

“You would have gone straight to your new best friend Bruce Thompson. That would put an end to Kurt’s new life.” I took a deep breath and forced myself to lower my voice. Upstairs or not, Caroline would be here in a flash if we didn’t calm it down. “The boy who killed Rudy Prince doesn’t even exist anymore. He died when Kurt was reborn as his old self. I just didn’t see any reason to punish him for something he no longer was.”

“And he’s just been playing along all this time?”

I shrugged. “I don’t think he really knew. When I brought his stuff to him, he asked me if that’s all there was. I told him yes. Then, a couple weeks ago, I asked him directly if he had any part in Rudy Prince’s murder. He told me that he’d been having dreams about waking up beside the bat, but he didn’t know if they were real or not.”

“A dream. How rich.”

“Maybe he really didn’t know for sure. He’d spent so much time taking drugs, I would think the line between reality and fantasy blurred for him a lot. Wouldn’t you?”

Rick picked up a book from the end table and threw it across the room. “And I just gave him three thousand dollars. I can’t believe I was so stupid. He probably bought some drugs and sat around with a few of his old friends and laughed about how he’d gotten away with beating a man to death, and even conned his father into paying for his fix.”

“No, he didn’t.” I barely whispered the words. I knew the truth, it was on my side, but Kurt’s actions had been too noble to be shouted in anger, used to win an argument.

“Of course you don’t think so. You probably think that bat just happened into his stuff and he had nothing to do with it, too. Right?” He kicked the arm of a sofa and it scooted several feet across the carpet. “This is unbelievable.
You
are unbelievable. To think you’ve known this all this time and didn’t tell me.”

“I’m telling you now, and your reaction is showing me just exactly how understanding you would have been if I’d told you earlier.”

He spat out a few more curse words, then dropped onto the couch and put his face in his hands, his head shaking from side to side. “I can’t believe this. I just can’t believe this.”

I perched on the far edge of the sofa. “I have an appointment with Detective Thompson tomorrow morning at nine. I’m going to tell him everything.”

Rick looked up at me, surprised. “What made you decide to tell him?”

“When that other boy was arrested, I started having doubts. Then, after I read the story of his mother, I knew I had to come forward. I couldn’t put her through that.”

“Have you told Kurt?”

I nodded. “I went and talked to him Friday.”

“What did he say?”

“He was upset, but I think maybe a bit relieved. It had been haunting him for a while.”

“So he plans to confess to everything?”

I laced my fingers together and studied the raised veins on the back of my hand. How had so much time slipped through my fingers? Now there was nothing left to hold on to.

“Alisa?”

I wondered what he would do if I told him Kurt was running. Would he call Detective Thompson right here and now, cut Kurt’s lead by a good twelve hours? I looked into his eyes and saw the face of a man who’d just lost everything. I knew exactly how he felt. I reached across and squeezed his hands. “I told him not to.” I couldn’t force myself to tell Rick what I had told him to do instead. “There is something else you should know. He didn’t use the money you gave him to buy drugs.”

“You know this because?”

“Because I’ve met Pamela—the soon-to-be mother of our soon-to-be-born grandchild. Kurt’s been helping her with some living expenses.”

When he looked up at me this time, I wasn’t sure if I saw anger or desperation. “Are you sure?”

I shrugged. “As sure as I can be, I suppose. She plans to put the baby up for adoption. I think Lori Radcliff’s daughter and her husband are the intended parents.”

“I see.” Rick nodded briskly and stood. He started up the short steps that led to the main level of the house, but stopped and turned on the third step. “This is one time in my life when I wish I was wrong. He really did try to turn his life around. I think you were right about that. I wish there was something we could do to save him.”

“Me too.” I looked at his face, suddenly a dozen years older than his current forty-seven years. “I’m sure I’ll get in a fair amount of trouble for my part in this, but I know you’ll take good care of Caroline.” Tears choked my words.

“You’ll get in trouble? For hiding the bat you mean?”

“Destroying it.”

“You what?” His voice rose loud enough to shake the roof. “How could you have done something so stupid?”

“Mom? Dad, is that you?” Caroline came running down the stairs. “Dad, what are you doing here—” Her voice disappeared into a cloud of fear when she looked at his face. She came to stand behind me. “Mom?”

I reached an arm back and around her. “It’s okay, sweetie. Your father was just leaving.”

Rick stormed out the door, slamming it behind him.

“Mom, what’s going on?”

Now came the hardest part of all. Telling Caroline.

“Marshmallows too?” Caroline clearly knew that something was wrong, but she was far too crafty to question late-night hot chocolate until she’d drained it for all it was worth.

“Why not?” I pulled out the bag and sprinkled a liberal helping on the surface of the frothy liquid.

“Whipped cream?”

I considered for just a moment, then shook my head. “Let’s not push it to the point of an upset stomach.”

She shrugged and reached for the mug. “I won’t get an upset stomach.” She took a sip, then looked up at me. “How about some graham crackers?”

By now it was more than painfully obvious that I either needed to start talking or empty the cupboards of anything sweet. “Caroline, there’s something we need to talk about.”

Her face went solemn and she poked at a marshmallow with her spoon. “It’s about Daddy, huh? You two are really mad at each other now, aren’t you?”

“No, sweetie, you just happened into the room at the end of an especially difficult conversation.” Come to think of it, it was the same discussion I was about to have with Caroline.

She took a sip of her cocoa and considered this. She didn’t look convinced. “Then, what do we need to talk about?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but not a single sound came out. Nothing. I took a sip of water, which caught somewhere in my throat, coughed, and tried again. “There’s something you need to know.”

Caroline set her mug on the table and crawled into my lap. She wrapped her arms around me and laid her cheek on my shoulder. “I love you, Mommy. You can tell me anything.”

Any other time, the words would have made me laugh. How many times had I said the exact same phrase to her? Tonight, it wasn’t funny at all.

“Caroline, before Kurt came back to us, he did something really bad.”

She leaned back and looked at me, her face solemn. “I know.” Her huge blue eyes blinked, the long eyelashes only adding to the innocent look.

“You know?”

“Yeah, he was using drugs. I know that it’s bad to use drugs, Mom. You don’t have to tell me that.”

How I envied the parents whose tensest moment with their children would be the “ just say no” talk. “Yes, he did take drugs, and that was very wrong. But the drugs made him do some other bad things, too.”

“Like what?”

“Well, there was a drug dealer who sometimes hit people with a baseball bat. One night, Kurt got really angry and took the bat away from him.”

“What’s bad about that? Sounds to me like it was something good.”

“It would have been … if he’d stopped there. Caroline, Kurt got the bat and started hitting the drug dealer with it.”

“Seems to me like he deserved it.”

“Maybe so, but Kurt hit him hard enough that he killed him.”

Caroline’s huge eyes filled with tears. “But it wasn’t his fault. That drug dealer was mean.”

I stroked the silkiness of her long blond hair. “The police don’t really look at it that way.”

“What do they say?”

“Nothing yet. They think someone else did it. But … tomorrow morning …” Each syllable caught in my throat. “I’m going to the police station to tell them the truth.”

“You’re what? You’re going to snitch on Kurt? Why would you do that?”

“Because someone else has been arrested. Caroline, if we don’t tell the truth, an innocent man will probably go to jail.”

“Jail?” Caroline screeched out the words. “Jail? Kurt is going to jail because you’re going to tell on him?”

“It’s the right thing to do.”

She shoved herself out of my lap and returned to her chair, the cocoa apparently forgotten for now. “I don’t think that’s what a mother should do.”

I gripped my hands together on the kitchen table and stared at them. “There’s one more thing I need to tell you.”

“What?”

“I found the bat a couple months ago. At the time, I sort of agreed with what you’re saying, and I burned the bat so the police couldn’t find the evidence.”

She looked at me, eyes huge. “You did?” She couldn’t quite contain her smile—mad at me or not, she approved of this part of the story.

“Yes, I did. But, Caroline, it was the wrong thing to do. It was a crime, and tomorrow when I go talk to the police, I’ve got to tell them that part, too.”