Legacy (16 page)

34

Over the past few weeks, Rachel has turned her meeting with Patricia Tyndale over and over in her mind, especially after Tony had turned up with an overnight bag, announcing that he had left Beth Ann. ‘She knows about us,' he had said.

‘Did Simone tell her?' was Rachel's first reaction.

‘No. Seems she kept it to herself. I told her. I told her about us.'

His arrival on her doorstep and clear intention to move in made her anxious. They'd gone through the facade of Christmas. The ludicrousness of their situation became most apparent when she took Tony home for lunch at her parents' place. After all, she couldn't leave him brooding in the apartment. Simone had chosen to spend the day with her mother and had only committed to ‘perhaps' drop by for dinner.

Her parents were pleasant with Tony, asked polite questions, made him feel welcome. But she could see that look - of worry, concern, disappointment - when they arrived. He so much older; she so young. Her mother's hug when she left was just slightly longer than usual, her father less at ease.

But even before then, when Tony had taken her out publicly, everyone had stared. She was convinced there was whispering behind their backs. She didn't like the attention and wanted to shrink from it. Tony must have sensed it too. He went out less and less. ‘Let's skip this one,' he would say as an engagement loomed.

And now, as the new year approached, she felt the time had come to act. She had always had a kind of superstition that the tone of New Year's Eve sets the path for the rest of the year. There was no point in putting it off.

She'd had a dream the night before that she was lying in her bed and she had rolled off and Tony had rolled on top of her and was crushing her. She woke up with a start, catching her breath.

She'd rehearsed what she wanted to say. How Tony would respond was unknown and anticipating his reaction made her stomach tighten with anxiety. Always best to do it in the morning, she'd read somewhere. Then there is the rest of the day for other arrangements to be made. She'd already prepared.

She looked at him across the table strewn with the remains of breakfast. He was handsome, the grey streaks of hair and the lines made him more so, she had always thought. Yes, she loved him. But not enough. Not for right now. Not enough to choose this as her life. She counted to ten and took a deep breath.

‘Tony, we need to talk,' she said.

‘What about?' he answered warily, looking up from his paper.

‘Tony, I didn't want you to leave your wife for me. It wasn't the deal we had from the start.'

‘But things have changed from where we started. It's different now.'

‘Look Tony, I made a mistake in getting involved with you. Not a mistake, that's not right. You are an amazing man and I love you. I'll always love you. But this relationship with you is not the best thing for me right now. And I don't think it is what is best for you either,' she added more quietly.

Tony looked stunned, as though she had sliced a knife through him. Then a cloud came over his face. His eyes became smaller, squinting. His jaw set hard.

‘How dare you,' he thundered. ‘How dare you do this to me. Don't you know who I am? I'll finish you. You'll never get a job in this town again. You'll be fucking nothing. Fucking nothing.'

The slam of Tony's fist on the bench top was forceful. The plates, cutlery and jam jars all rattled in its wake.

An unexpected calm came over Rachel. ‘It's already over,' she said softly.

‘I'll finish you at work. I'll finish you around this town.'

‘That's what I meant, Tony. I'm already finished. I know that. I knew that the day your daughter saw us in your office. The way she looked at me. She knew - about you and me. And she will only ever see me as being where I am because I slept with you. Your colleagues will never take me seriously either. They're not interested in anything I say, what I have to offer, because they know I've slept with you. I topped seven classes at uni. I almost got the University Medal. But those guys you work with - and your daughter - will never be able to see past the fact that I had an affair with you.'

‘I didn't mean what I said. I don't mean it.' Tony quietened, his initial panic replaced with resignation. ‘I need you.'

A smile slipped onto her face. ‘Tony, I would make you miserable.' She knew that breaking up with him would also mean having to find a new job. It highlighted the enormity of her mistake.

Patricia Tyndale had given her a great gift: the strength to know that she could make her own path without anyone else's approval or endorsement, on her own terms, her way.
Aboriginal people judge you on what you do … you will gain acceptance when you prove yourself. You do not need the approval of others to be Aboriginal.

If she didn't start again now, it would be too late.

35

‘So I'm an orphan,' I say.

‘Your parents aren't dead, drama queen,' Patricia says.

‘Their marriage is,' I retort and watch Patricia's lips purse.

Tanya and I are sitting at Patricia's table. The balcony door's open and we can hear the street noise from below. A gritty, light breeze drifts through.

‘Were you surprised?' Tanya asks.

‘Actually, I was. I just never thought Mum would kick him out. Dad's made it look as though he left but she told him to get out when she found out about the affair. She kind of surprised me. And I like this new Mum. She's really determined.'

‘More power to her,' Tanya says. ‘That will show him and his little squeeze.'

Unexpectedly, Patricia rises. ‘Do you think Rachel Miles would have been so vulnerable to being seduced by a man old enough to be her father if girls like you had been friendly and supportive rather than turning your spoilt noses up at her?'

She glares at us and, without looking at the cigarette packet, stretches out her arm and swoops it up, stalking out to the balcony. She closes the sliding door behind her.

Tanya and I look at each other.

‘Ouch,' Tanya says, trying to make the mood lighter, but neither of us feel like laughing.

‘You can always tell when she has the shits because she smokes outside. Any other time she is happy to puff away here,' I say.

‘It is a strange concept that we should feel sympathy for the woman who broke your mum and dad up,' Tanya observes.

‘Well, since Dad moved in with the little squ …' I stop myself. ‘Since Dad moved in with Rachel, I have to confess, I do feel a bit sorry for her.'

‘Really?'

‘I can't explain it but I do.'

Tanya smiles. ‘It sure took your mind off other things.'

‘I haven't mentioned what's-his-name in a very long time and I don't intend to start now.'

‘I know. And I'm proud of you.'

‘I'm proud of you too, getting over that other what's-his-name.'

‘Better off without him.'

‘So you say now. But I'm glad to hear it. There are more important things to worry about.'

‘Like what?' she grins.

But I want to be serious. ‘You know that book Professor Young sent me before he died?'

She nods.

‘And how he sent a note with it?' I pull the folded paper out of my wallet and read aloud. ‘… a loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart.' I fold the paper up. ‘It's from a book called
The Plague,
a novel about facing an untimely death and not knowing how to deal with it. I've been really puzzled about why he wrote that phrase and what it means.'

‘And?'

‘And I finally think I understand. It's not about craving to have “the warmth and wonder of a loving heart” that
loves you
but to
have
“the warmth and wonder of a loving heart” to be able to love others. That's what it means. That must be the message Professor Young was giving me. Maybe he lost his ability to love others. I don't know. Maybe that's the reason why his daughter was so angry with him when he died. But I know
I
don't want to lose it.'

‘How could you? You have a really big heart. You're always in love.'

‘I have a heart that has been quick to fall in love with ideals, with fantasies, but I've never been as willing to love realities.'

‘Wow. You learnt all that at your Nan's place?'

‘Yeah.' I smile back at her. ‘I had a lot of time to think. And you know what else I found out?'

‘What?'

‘My Nan is not as deaf as she likes to pretend she is.' The balcony door slides open and Patricia joins us again at the table. ‘Well, have you two been reflecting on the errors of your ways?'

‘You could say that. And we were just about to discuss when I'll go back to my studies. It's time for me to return to Boston.'

‘You know that we're proud of you for what you are doing. We never had those chances. But,' she gives me a piercing look and taps a finger on the table, ‘it's what you do when you get back that will be important. That's what we're waiting to see.'

Tanya and I eye each other. She winks. We are used to Patricia's lectures about our shortcomings and brace ourselves for another one.

‘I'm not one of those people who thinks that you can learn more from real life than you can learn from books. I'm one of those people who believes you can learn from both. So I am not concerned that you have your head in a book all the time, Simone, but it does concern me when you are not reflective enough about what you are learning from real life.'

Tanya gives me a look that attempts, with sarcastic seriousness, to agree with her.

Patricia catches it, looks at Tanya, looks at me and then back at Tanya.

‘You two are little shits,' she snaps.

Suddenly, I start laughing. Tanya starts too. Unexpectedly, Patricia joins in with her thick, throaty laugh.

36

‘When was it that you women decided to be so independent?' Tony asked.

‘About the same time you decided you didn't want to be denied things just because you were black,' Patricia replied, reaching for the bottle of wine.

‘Why do I come here thinking you'll give me some sympathy?'

‘I always know you are desperate when you turn up on my doorstep. You only come to me when you're really in trouble and because you know I'll tell you the truth. Everyone else feeds you bullshit.'

Patricia topped Tony's glass up.

‘Your daughter was here yesterday with her friend Tanya.'

Tony looked glum.

‘She judges me, you know.'

‘I gave her a lecture about that.'

‘Well, it didn't seem to do much good.'

‘She's going back to her studies.'

Tony seemed to cheer. ‘That's something.'

‘I've never known someone to adore their father the way she adores you.'

‘Not lately.'

‘She's hurt but she's come a long way. What you put her through is not an easy thing for a daughter to come to terms with.'

‘I know. But it hasn't been easy for me to come to terms with either.'

‘That's just like you, to turn yourself into the victim.' Patricia smiled and then took a sip from her glass and eyed him. ‘You're a show pony, Tony Harlowe. Always were. But you're decent too. Underneath that ego is a good man. And you can't hide that.'

‘That's about the nicest thing you have ever said to me.'

‘Well, don't get too comfortable. I'm not one of those people who get silly over your charms.'

Tony turned on his wicked grin. ‘There was one night when you succumbed to them.'

‘Don't go overstating one small kiss when we were children. And besides I was probably drunk.' Patricia stood grabbing the empty wine bottle on the table. ‘Looks like we'll need another one of these if you are going to start getting sentimental.'

She avoided Tony's gaze as she busied herself in the kitchen. She cut up some cheese and bread and foraged in her cupboards for more food.

‘It's all I have for a surprise visitor,' she said as she placed the plates on the table.

Tony's mood was pleasant but quiet. He was looking down at his hands. He seemed smaller, older.

‘What happened to the girl?' Patricia asked as she sat back down.

‘She kicked me out. Then she packed up her office and left the Legal Service.' Tony looked down at his wine. ‘I can't believe she kicked me out before New Year's Eve.'

‘Yeah, no better way to start the New Year than with a kiss from someone who is secretly hoping to see the back of you.' She gave Tony her best signature wry smile.

‘I hate it when you're right.'

‘You must be unhappy most of the time then.'

It was his turn to smile.

‘Well, Tony. It will be a new year in two days. You could make some resolutions.'

‘I think we both know what they will be.'

They shared the smile of old conspirators.

‘We go back, don't we?' Tony said affectionately.

‘I suppose we do. You were cruel back then.'

‘To you? Never. I adored you. Still do.'

Patricia ignored his banter.

‘To Beth Ann. And to Arthur.'

‘I loved her. I still do.'

‘So did he.'

‘I won.'

‘I guess you did, Tony. I guess you did.'

‘Are you going to judge me now?' The flare of his temper was starting to rise.

‘No. It would be too much like judging myself.'

‘Yes,' he said, his anger dissipating and a look of bleary affection returning. ‘Mind if I stay the night?'

‘So long as you don't mind sleeping on the couch.'

Tony gave a playful smile. ‘Haven't forgotten after all these years, have you?'

‘Seems like I have so you can't have been that good.'

Tony laughed. ‘You're a cruel woman, Patricia. But I love you.'

That, thought Patricia as she sipped her wine, just about cut her heart in half. Tony had made it a habit. Hers. Beth Ann's. Arthur's. All their hearts had been cut in two by Tony Harlowe.