Lesbian Stepmother (18 page)

When Christmas approached and she emailed me, saying
she wasn’t going to be able to come home after all, it didn’t
surprise me. In fact, I was kind of relieved. She’d already
been hinting about a new girlfriend, and I knew I wouldn’t
stand up to someone she met in college. Our time together was over
and done, despite how much it still meant to me. I carried her with
me in my heart, and always will, still loving what we once had even
though it could never be again.

By the end of that school year I think I was finally
starting to get over the whole thing. I was still depressed all the
time, and still ignoring everyone and everything around me, but the
love I had experienced with Dianne had taught me that there was a
better way than the way I was carrying on with things, the way I was
merely existing, and I thought that maybe I ought to try a little
harder to snap out of it. I started to look at people again and pay
more attention to what they were doing and saying. The boys didn’t
interest me at all anymore, and I knew they never would. It was the
girls I was paying attention to now.

Unfortunately, there were only a few girls I knew of at
my high school who were lesbians, and I didn’t like any of
them. I mean, I didn’t dislike them, but I didn’t like
them, either. Two of them were very masculine, loud and aggressive,
which I didn’t like at all, and the other one was very ugly.
You might think I’m shallow for saying that, but I’m just
telling you the truth. Dianne had been so amazingly beautiful and so
loving and sweet, I knew I’d never find another girl like her.
I had been spoiled. Of course, it was possible that there were other
girls in my school who were lesbians and I just didn’t know it,
but that didn’t help me any.

I began to feel a very strong attraction to several of
the girls I’d known casually for years, even though I knew they
were straight. There were lots of beautiful girls and sweet girls if
you included all the straight ones, but again, it didn’t do me
much good. I stared at them anyway, and fantasized about them, too
afraid to speak my feelings. I was so lonely and wanted a girlfriend
so badly I couldn’t think of anything else.

Summer eventually came and once again I found a job. I
didn’t even bother applying at Six Flags, because I couldn’t
face going back there and being reminded of my perfect summer with
Dianne. Our little funnel cake stand would just have to be run by
someone else, as sad as that seemed. I didn’t even want to
think about it. I took a job in a fabric store near the parkway,
working the register and stocking the shelves. I worked mostly
alone, which I suppose suited me, and the days slowly passed.

Before I knew it, summer was over and I was in my
senior year of high school. Still no girlfriend, or any other
friends for that matter. I was so used to being sad and depressed
again that I didn’t even really think about it anymore. It’s
just my natural state, I guess. Dianne had been a brief respite from
my destiny of a lifetime of misery. God, I missed her so much!

I slogged through school again, barely even noticing
what was going on. I was dimly aware that I was going to have to
start college next year or find a more serious job, but I really
wasn’t in any position mentally to give that much thought. One
thing at a time. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks into
months. Before I knew it, Christmas came and went again, and then
New Years.

A funny thing happened just after New Years.

Like I told you already, me and my father never really
spent much time talking with each other, and that certainly hadn’t
changed. We cared for and respected each other in our own devoid
way, and we helped each other out like any family who shares the same
house; he worked and paid the bills, and I did most of the grocery
shopping, cooking and laundry. We were both naturally neat people
and kept the place very clean. Neither of us had any complaints; we
coexisted peacefully and without any real issues. But I was so used
to him spending all his free time working from his easy chair that it
came as a real surprise to me when he told me one night that he’d
been dating a woman for the past several months.

At first I thought I’d misunderstood him.
Surely, my father couldn’t be dating anyone. He hardly ever
even left the house other than to go to work. And since losing my
mother, I never even thought he’d spent any time thinking about
other women. That was kind of ridiculous, I know, but it’s how
I perceived things.

“What?” I asked him. He was sitting in his
chair, as usual, with a stack of papers in his lap and a glass of
iced tea on the end table beside him. I was lying on the couch and
reading an English assignment, a novel called Death On The
Installment Plan, by Celine.

He pursed his lips and rubbed his chin, an annoying
habit of his when he was forced to repeat himself. “I said,
I’ve been seeing someone. It’s gotten pretty serious.”

I closed my book, sitting up slightly. “Serious?”
It was true that we didn’t have a chatty, friendly
relationship, but I was very comfortable living with him in our
house, just the two of us. The idea of someone else suddenly
intruding on that didn’t bode well with me.

He nodded. He was an introvert, not unlike me, I
suppose, and he was also a rather handsome man. He had just turned
38 and was still thin with a full head of thick, dark hair. He wore
glasses, and they lent him an air of intellectualism. There was no
reason in the world why he wouldn’t be interested in dating
someone. I almost never thought about it, but he must have been just
as lonely as me. “Very serious. In fact, this past week we’ve
been discussing the possibility of...” He trailed off, looking
away from me.

“Possibility of what?”

He did that pursing thing with his lips again, like he
had to pucker them up in order to answer a question he’d rather
not answer. “We’re not sure. We’ve just been...
discussing things.”

“You mean like her moving in here?” This
was an easy assumption, because otherwise he probably wouldn’t
have mentioned her to me at all.

He shrugged. “Maybe. Possibly.”

“Where was I during all this dating? I never
even knew you were seeing someone.” I wasn’t angry, just
surprised. More than surprised, really; I was shocked.

“She hasn’t been to the house yet. We’ve
been working together for a couple of years now. We have lunch
together, among other things.” He smiled at me. “Her
name is Susan. She wants to meet you.”

“She knows about me?” I realized how
stupid the question was as soon as I asked it.

“Of course. She knows all about you. I’m
sorry I never mentioned her before, I just...” He shrugged
again. “I never really thought it would lead this far. We
were friends for a long time, and...”

He was good at not quite finishing sentences. “I
can’t believe you never even hinted at this before. You’re
really seriously thinking of having her move in here with us?”

His lips did that thing again, and he scratched his
head. “Maybe. I’m not sure.” He looked at me
very directly. “I want you to meet her, Amy. I want to make
sure the two of you... get along. If the two of you... like each
other, which I’m almost certain you will... well, then... why
not?”

I had to think about it. It seemed to make sense. It
would be completely unfair of me to deny him this, especially since
I’d probably be moving out sooner or later anyway. I’d
be graduating high school in June, and I’d also be eighteen
soon. “Were the two of you thinking about getting married? Or
just living together?”

“I don’t know.” He shifted in his
chair, looking uncomfortable now. “Well, I mean, she did bring
it up. But I just don’t know. I guess the thing to do is to
play it by ear.”

“Does she have kids?” I had so many
questions.

“No. No kids. She’s all alone, never been
married.”

“How old is she? Is she pretty?”

He laughed, something he rarely did. “She’s
a little younger than me. Just a few years. And yes, she’s
pretty. I really think you’ll like her, Amy.” He picked
up his iced tea and took a drink.

“When will I meet her?”

He shrugged again and licked his lips. “I don’t
know. How about tomorrow, at dinner?”

“That would be fine.”

He nodded again and set his glass back down on the end
table. “Good. I think it might be kind of nice... having
someone here...”

I know he was worried about trying to justify replacing
my mother. It wasn’t necessary. It had been a long time, and
he deserved not to be alone for the rest of his life. Just like I
did. “It’s okay, dad. I can’t wait to meet her.”

He smiled, looking genuinely relieved. “I’m
glad to hear you say that.”

“Maybe I can make that Mexican casserole you
like.”

“No. Susan wants to bring dinner. You don’t
have to do a thing.”

“Oh. Okay.” It sounded easy enough.
Perhaps she really was a good person. I was certainly willing to
give her a chance.

“Good, good. It’s settled, then. You’ll
meet Susan tomorrow.” He sighed and bent back over his papers,
losing himself in the world of accounting.

I sat and thought about things for awhile. I wasn’t
sure what to make of any of it.

* * *

Now, before we go any further, I just want to remind
you that at the beginning of this book, I told you that I wanted to
fill you in on some background information. Well, that’s what
I just did. I was originally going to start this whole thing with
the next chapter, but if I had done that you wouldn’t really
know anything about me or what my life had been like up until now. I
thought it might really be helpful for you to know about my mom and
my trouble with those boys and especially about my wonderful summer
with Dianne.

But really, what my story is about, is Susan.

Chapter 5

I normally arrived home from school about an hour
before my father got home from work, so the next day when I let
myself into the house I was relieved to see that no one was there
yet. I had been feeling nervous all day about meeting Susan, and was
kind of half-way hoping she’d change her mind and decide not to
come. I could always make spaghetti later and everything would
continue on as normal.

I watched TV for a little while, as usual, and then did
a little bit of homework. I didn’t have much, and was still
doing as little as possible in order to simply pass my classes. My
future was in serious doubt and I didn’t really care. When
you’re depressed all the time, that’s kind of the way it
goes.

My father got home at his usual time, about quarter
after five. He greeted me and immediately took off his coat and
started tidying up the room, looking as nervous as I felt.

“What time is she supposed to get here?” I
asked him.

“I’m not sure. Could be any minute.”

“Didn’t she just leave work when you did?”

“No. She’s part time. She only works six
hours a day. So, she’s had a couple of hours already to go
home and prepare whatever she’s preparing.”

I watched him adjust the throw pillows on the couch and
shook my head. “It looks fine in here, dad. There’s no
reason to straighten up.”

He nodded. “You’re probably right.”
He looked around, trying to determine if anything was out of place.
“Still, it doesn’t hurt.”

“Why don’t you just relax? If you know her
well enough to consider letting her move in here, I don’t see
why she’d care if the pillows are crooked or not.”

Glaring at me, he puckered his lips. “Is that
what you’re going to wear?”

I was wearing my school clothes, which were nothing
special. White jeans and a pink polo shirt. “Is there
something wrong with it? Shall I put on a dress?”

“No. No, no. That’s fine.” He
disappeared into the kitchen and came back a minute later with a
glass of iced tea, dropping into his chair and sighing. “I
don’t know what I’m so worried about. I see her every
day at work.”

“I’m sure everything will be fine.”

“Are you going to sit on the couch when she’s
here? Or in the rocker?” There was a rocking chair in the
corner that neither of us ever used.

“Do you want me to stay in my room? I don’t
want to be in the way.”

“No! Of course not.” He took a gulp of
tea. “The whole point is for you to meet her. I just... oh,
jeez, I don’t know what I want.”

It suddenly occurred to me that maybe he didn’t
even want this Susan coming over. Maybe he didn’t even like
her. It was possible that she had pushed her way into his life and
was somehow taking advantage of his unsure demeanor. He seemed
happiest when he was lost in a tall stack of complicated papers. “It
will be fine, dad. There’s plenty of room for both of us on
the couch.”

He considered it and then nodded. He was just reaching
for his briefcase in hopes of getting a little work done when the
sound of a car engine filled the room. Then it stopped and a moment
later a car door slammed. He hopped up out of his chair and dashed
to the window, peeking out.