Let Love Heal (The Love Series) (2 page)

It’s not unusual for Ray to stop over, but usually Jimmy is there getting ready for a golf outing or a ball game. There’s something about
this
particular visit that just feels … wrong.

Her concern only makes him cry more. He’s crying for the loss of his best friend. He’s crying for Lucy, who he’s come to love as his own best friend through the years. He’s crying for the baby that Jimmy will never get to meet – for the baby that Lucy will now have to raise on her own.

Twisting in his seat, he faces Lucy and wipes the tears from his eyes. Lucy’s face pales as all of the blood rushes from it. She can tell that this is not a routine visit on Ray’s part.

“Lucy …” Ray’s words catch in his throat, stuck behind the ball of emotion that’s been lodged there since he witnessed his best friend being crushed by tons of steel.

Lucy covers her mouth with her hands, but her gasp is still audible. “No, no, no, no …” It’s the only syllable her brain can manage. She’s shaking her head wildly as if it will keep away the horrific news that is so clearly etched across Ray’s tanned and youthful face.

Ray wraps his arm around her slumped shoulders and pulls Lucy into a tight squeeze. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. There was an accident and … it’s Jimmy. He’s gone, Lucy.”

With those words, her world changes instantly. No longer able to contain her anguish, her chest heaves in sobs as tears pour from her eyes.

How? Why? What? All of these questions swarm her brain, but the bottom line is that none of it matters. Bits of Ray’s strained explanation filter into her consciousness, but she can’t make any sense of it. Something about a beam, about being in the wrong place at the wrong time, about wanting to come here to tell her himself, about not wanting her to have to drive to the coroner’s office alone, it’s all a garbled mess, because none of it is important. The only meaningful piece of information is that Jimmy, her Jimmy, the love of her life, is gone.

Visions that she will never be able to erase start filling her mind. In a vain attempt to escape them, Lucy shoots up from the couch and begins frantically pacing the room. But she’s too weak to stand for long. As pain, anguish and loss eat her alive, she crumples to the floor and wraps her arms around her round belly. Again, the only words she can form are, “No, no, no …”

Unable to let her suffer alone, Ray moves next to her on the floor and pulls her into his arms. Cooing softly to her, he tries to calm her. It’s a vain attempt at peace that will never come.

It’s always been Jimmy. He was her first friend, her first love, and now he’s her first true loss.

Calling on an inner strength that she doesn’t truly feel, Lucy tries to stand, but her body rejects the attempt. All she can do is let the sadness swallow her whole, and hope that when it spits her back out, she’ll be alive and whole enough to take care of Melanie.

A vast empire of evergreens flashes past my window. A light dusting of snow coats the road, leaving only two clearly defined, black tire tracks in the wake of the passing cars. The sunlight barely breaks through the hazy greyness of the clouds. There’s a dull, lifelessness pervading not only the scenery, but my mood as well, and I know it’s because so much has changed in my life in the last few months.

Chipper as ever, Mom’s voice breaks my silent sadness. “Hey, sweetie pie. Are you awake over there?” She playfully nudges my shoulder to try and rouse me from my feigned sleep. I’ve been turned away from her, staring blankly out of the window for most of the short trip back to Ithaca.

Twisting in my seat to face her, I respond, much more dully than her happy tone. “Yeah, I’m awake, just tired, I guess.” My flat voice and lame shoulder shrug mirror the oppressive feel of the grey sky hanging above us.

She doesn’t say anything more; she just offers up a half smile and then returns her attention to the road. Mom knows I’m in a funk. There’s no way she can’t know. It’s creepy sometimes how she’s so attuned to what I’m feeling or thinking. It’s like she’s in my brain or something. Kind of freaks me out a bit, but she’s my mom and it’s always been just us, so I guess it’s understandable.

My dad died before I was born – some freak accident. I try not to think of it and most days I succeed on that front. I won’t lie, though. The stress of being the only person of real importance in my mom’s life has taken its toll on me. I hide it well, or at least I think I do.

Seeking more distraction from an inevitable line of questioning from Mom, I fidget with the radio and leave it on some current top 40 hit. Mom taps away on the steering wheel while she sings, off-key, to the music playing through the speakers. I just let it drown out the thoughts racing through my mind. Turning away from her again, I return to my post at the window and watch the world pass me by.

Alone. Empty. Sad. That’s how I’m feeling. Knowing that Maddy’s not here and she’s not going to be coming back, makes my eyes burn with unshed tears. Maddy and I have been best friends since middle school; I met her a few years after her parents died. Hell, we even ended up living together for a few months in our senior year when her aunt passed away suddenly. For the last five years, Maddy and I were inseparable. We even had to beg the housing department to let us dorm together when we started college last semester.

Her world shifted when she met Reid and they both fell head over heels in love with each other. After she found out she was pregnant, yeah, that was a shocker for everyone, she decided to withdraw from Ithaca and go to a school closer to home. I can’t blame her for choosing to move in with Reid. She’s got her own life now – one of which I’m no longer a part. Even though I’m happy for her, my heart still hurts that she’s not going to be with me every day.

Cammie and Lia, my other two roommates, aren’t here either. They won’t be here until at least Saturday morning – great grandma’s birthday party or something like that. Honestly, with everything that’s been going on, I haven’t paid much attention to everyone else’s life. I mean, I couldn’t be happier that Maddy and Reid are back together and that things worked out for them, but I can’t help but focus, almost to the point of making myself sick, on what’s going to happen with me and Bryan.

Our relationship, or lack thereof for the last month, has been a huge source of distress and emptiness. I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that when he gets back to school, Bryan is going to break up with me. He’s seeing Courtney again; I know it. Well, okay, I don’t
know
it, but I have my suspicions. He barely called me over the entire winter break. Come to think of it, he hardly ever texted or emailed me either.

Except for that one text.

I mean, come on, Bryan is always on the computer. Being a computer science major should mean that you’re permanently attached to the thing, right? Or that you’re at least part robot or something like that. He couldn’t get in touch with me once? We talked, don’t get me wrong, but I was always the one who initiated it.

I was supposed to go visit him for New Year’s Eve, but when I told him about my plans, he said it wouldn’t be a good idea for me to come. Then I got
the text.
Bryan and Courtney lip-locked at some party. It was pretty clear at that point that he had moved on.

Thinking back over everything, I’m suddenly more pissed than sad. What kind of boyfriend pushes his girlfriend away to the point that she no longer feels wanted? And then to push me away just to have your biggest fears thrown in your face. I know it’s not an excuse for what I did, but I won’t deny that feeling hurt was definitely a huge reason behind the actions I took.

My brain is seriously scrambled over all of this. By telling me not to come visit him, was he breaking up with me? Or was he just trying to conceal his cheating? Then there’s the part of me that refuses to believe that he actually cheated. From the moment I met her, Courtney hated me and did everything in her power to keep me and Bryan apart.

But then again, maybe he thought we were broken up while we were apart? Before winter break, our relationship was perfect, really, until he started pulling away from me right before he left. Was he just trying to create some distance so he could let me down easier? Oh, who the hell knows? We hadn’t dropped the “L” bomb yet, but I know he had to feel it; I know I did. He is my first – my first boyfriend, my first love, my first, well, you know – my first, like ever. Now, I’m just so scared to lose him, but I’m more afraid of knowing that I’m going to hurt him. That much is unavoidable.

The inevitability of us being separated over break and his distance from me over said break was just too much for me to handle, I guess. I turned into
that girl
. You know the one who lets her insecurities get the best of her, yeah,
that
one. I was weak and foolish and talked myself into believing that Bryan, sweet, funny, amazingly perfect, Bryan, was cheating on me.

I let myself believe that he didn’t want me.

He’s openly admitted to hating Courtney. Told me time and time again that he was done with her, but I could never believe him. But by stopping me from visiting him, isn’t that what he said essentially? That he doesn’t want me and that we’re over.

Even if he was cheating and didn’t want me, it didn’t give me a free pass to do what I did. Neither one of us had said the words to end things, but we never said the words to say that they weren’t either.

Wow. I am really one screwed up chick over all of this.

And let’s face it, even if there is some kind of logical explanation for the text I got, he’ll still break up with me.
I cheated.
God, I can’t believe how badly I’ve screwed up. A sinking feeling settles down low in my stomach – both at the idea of having to tell him about what happened and at the knowledge that after I tell him, he’ll leave me for good.

I’ve been lost in my own little world of self-pity for most of the ride here, and I’m thankful that Mom has left me alone for the most part. I haven’t had the heart, or the courage for that matter, to talk to her about Bryan. Letting Mom down, or anyone for that matter, has never been an option for me. Hell, I haven’t told anyone – except Maddy, and I didn’t even give her all of the details.

I’ve always been the perfectionist. The perfect daughter. The perfect best friend. The perfect student. It’s a cover, though. If I can maintain an image of perfection in every other area of my life, no one will ever know how unhappy I really am. On some level, I know it’s silly to be unhappy with my life just because I’m not the perfect size-two supermodel that everyone else seems to be. You see, if I get the perfect grades and act the perfect way, then no one will notice me for my too-wide hips and my softly rounded belly. No one will notice that there isn’t a lot, if any, space between my thighs. No matter how healthily I eat, or no matter how much I exercise, I will always be a curvy size 16. To be honest, I still don’t understand what Bryan sees in me, why he’s even attracted to me in the first place.

Not that it matters any more anyway. My track record of perfection, feigned or not, is officially ruined now. There’s no way in hell I could ever be considered the perfect girlfriend. Unless sleeping with some random guy at a party is a new requirement for girlfriend of the year, I can officially pull my name from that drawing. I don’t even remember who the hell the guy was; that’s the really shitty part. I was too drunk to remember much of anything. What kind of girlfriend cheats and can’t even remember who the other person is?

“Hey, Melly Belly. We’re almost there.” Mom’s sweet voice rouses me from my blank stare out of the window. The towers of Ithaca College start to rise above the horizon and I know that we’re less than five minutes from campus.

A sense of emptiness engulfs me as we park the car in front of the dorm. Part of me is happy that I’ll be on my own here for a few days. Maybe it’ll help me clear my head a bit. Maybe I’ll be able to figure out how to deal with this whole cheating situation? Maddy told me that I have to tell him – some line about wishing she had been honest with Reid. I know she’s right, but the coward in me wants to bury it down so far that no one ever finds out about it.

How can I publicly admit to being such a failure? Not being perfect just isn’t an option.