Let Slip The Princesses of War (14 page)

After the fight, as always, we pulled the bodies off the road and did our best to clean up, so that a casual observer wouldn’t raise the alarm.  We’d been lucky up to now.  Apparently, Mallory was too busy to look in the Magic Mirror and send an army.  But, we didn’t want any more mundane factors to give away our location and our destination.

Beauty pulled the bodies off the roadway as I covered the bloody ground with fresh sand.  Having done my part, I was surprised that Beauty hadn’t returned.  I wasn’t worried, but I went looking for her. I found her hacking off one of the goblin’s legs.  Behind her was a small stack of legs. 

“This is a hell of a time to start collecting souvenirs.  And if you have to, ears fit better in the saddle bag.” I deadpanned, afraid of the only logical explanation.

“They’re not souvenirs.” She deadpanned right back.  “They’re dinner.”

And there is was.  “I’m not eating that, them, whatever.  I’m not eating it.”

Beauty shrugged her indifference.  “Fine.  Starve. Fail. Albert and I will do our best to finish the mission without you. If you’re too squeamish to survive, you don’t deserve to survive.”

That smug fucking bitch!  The only thing I hate worse than a smug fucking bitch is a smug fucking bitch who’s right.

So, that night, we build a small fire, hidden in a cave, of course, and we ate one leg roasted, while Beauty smoke cured the others in strips.  I barely choked my portion down, but Beauty and Albert ate it like chicken.  I don’t know what my problem was.  I did eat chicken, and they were no less alive than a goblin.  I killed goblins and never really thought much about it.  But eating them was something different.  If I’m honest about it, the goblin didn’t taste too bad.  But, even though we ate goblin, and pretty much nothing but goblin, for days, I never got used it.  Even now, I get a little queasy thinking about it.

We passed out of the foothills and into the mountains and over the mountains and saw no more signs of pursuit or patrols.  We crossed the Einhorn Pass in the night and watched the sunrise on the Dwarf Country.  Mallory’s castle was visible in the distance.  It was an impressive sight.  The castle was sited on top of the highest mountain, but it wasn’t built there, instead, the entire mountain top was carved into the form of the castle.

“Did dwarves build the castle?” I asked Albert as we sat dangling our legs over the edge of a high ledge.

“We did.  Long ago, before we knew what she was, Mallory came to us and we made a trade.  She taught us magical ways to work with metals and gems and we built her the castle on the mountain and gave her sovereignty over the Dwarf Country.  Just the above ground part, obviously.  But it was an uncomfortable marriage from the beginning.  She was always jealous of the precious gems and metals we dug out of the ground and she demanded a tax, we, of course, refused. It was a demand tantamount to tribute, to a surrender of sovereignty. Eventually, she cut off all overland travel to the Dwarf Country. Economically it was a disaster.  Using the new techniques, we could make fabulous objects, but we couldn’t sell them. It was, partially, as a result of the embargo that my family headed south, eventually into Snow White’s country.  We also started projects to dig entrances to our caverns from outside the Dwarf Country.  Mallory objected. That started the first Dwarven war.  She beat us.  The Magic Mirror was part of the surrender terms.  Ancient history.  We’d been at peace for hundreds of years when she asked me to recast the mirror.” He shrugged. “I knew she wasn’t a saint. I mean who is? What did I care for her arguments with the rest of you?  Knowing what I know now, I’d refuse her.  But knowing what I knew then, I’d most likely do it again.  I guess I’m smarter but no wiser.”

Beauty came up alongside us and stretched her arms to indicate the wide lands. “You’re telling me that there’s not a single dwarf in the Dwarf Country?”

Albert looked down. “Except for me, not a one.”

“How is that possible?  How could she wipe out an entire species?” Beauty pressed on, despite my ‘shut the fuck up’ look, sometimes you need that verbal twenty percent.

I thought Albert was going to break down, but he just said, “Well, there never were many dwarves to begin with.  Maybe eight hundred here in the Dwarf Country and two or three hundred in the outlands.  She’s a dedicated killer.”

“Why so few?” Beauty wasn’t one for sensitivity. 

“Dwarven reproduction is tricky business at the best of times and outright impossible at anything but the best of times.” Albert said, kicking a rock off the side of the mountain and blushing furiously.

“Why so tough?  I mean, you get a boy dwarf and a girl dwarf and mix and whatnot and you get a baby! Right?” Beauty nudged Albert with her elbow and he almost followed the rock.

Albert went from embarrassed to angry in a moment, “No!  It’s nothing like that!  You know nothing about it!  The circle of eight is complicated!”

Circle of eight?! What the fuck was the circle of eight?  As in Snow White and seven equals eight?

“Circle of eight?” I asked him (my sensitivity following the rock off the cliff), “Eight dwarves?” Or seven and…

“You know what?  Fuck you both!  If you’re so fucking interested in dwarf sex, you can visit the hall of pornography in the mines.  But I’m not going to be your fucking tour guide!  You know, I’ll never have sex again…” He trailed off

Hall of pornography?  With dwarves?  In groups of eight?  The idea was both fabulously repellant and oddly attractive.  It was beginning to look like I was never going to have sex again either.

“Well, I’ve got seven short ugly friends I can introduce you too.” Beauty joked.

Albert hauled back, his fist balled.  I could have stopped him, he was so slow.  Beauty must have had even more time to stop him.  It’s to her credit that she just stood there waiting for the punch. He hit her hard and low. A viscous uppercut to the gut that lifted her clear off the ground.  And tossed her off the mountain. 

“Albert!” I shouted.  “Beauty!” I rushed to the edge and looked down, searching for her broken body. 

“Down here!” She called up.  She hung against the sheer wall of the mountain supported by two daggers thrust into the rock. As I watched, she pulled one dagger out and thrust it in into the wall six inches higher and began her slow climb.  When she reached the edge of the cliff, she swung up, landed on her feet and reached down to retrieve her daggers.  “Had these specially made for rock climbing.” She said as they disappeared somewhere about her. 

Meanwhile, Albert was cowering as far from the cliff as possible.  Clearly, there could be only one fitting punishment for such an act. Beauty stalked over to Albert and clapped her hand on his shoulder.  Albert tried to jerk away, but her grip was unshakable. “Nice shot!  I didn’t think you had it in you.  Sorry if I was out of line.”

Albert and I both burst out laughing from relief.    

“How come you have specially made daggers?” I asked her a little later. “You were naked and unequipped when Ben changed you back.” I never missed an opportunity to remind Beauty that my dog saved her.  “You know, by pissing on you.” By pissing on her!  I hope that the last memory I have before I die is Ben pissing on Beauty!

She gave me a broad wink. “It’s not so easy to separate a girl from her favorite daggers.” I had then, and I still have, no idea what she meant.

We headed down the mountain. Although narrow and steep, the path was relatively open and in good condition. It quickly became clear that the horses were more of a hindrance than a help, and much to their relief, we left them on a wide flat area that had a pool of water and looked to have enough vegetation for an extended stay.     

We reached the foot of the mountain without incident, although we must have been readily visible from the castle.  In some ways, the lack of response was more unsettling.  Where were Mallory’s troops?  We were practically on her door step and… nothing.

The base of the mountain was riddled with caves.  “Most of these are just decoys.  They don’t lead anywhere.” Albert told us.  “If you aren’t careful you’ll walk in and get lost and die.  But this one…” Albert looked around confused.  “No, this one…  Wait.  It’s over here, around this bend.  Yes!  This is it!  Well, I’m pretty sure.  I haven’t been this way in a while.  Well, let’s give it a try and see.”

“Wait a minute.” I stopped him.  “What happened to pick the wrong one and die?”

He waved his hand dismissively, “That was mostly for dramatic effect.  Anyway, I’m with you.  It’ll be fine.”

It was not fine.  We wondered for days, into and out of caves, frequently lost in caves.  We ate the last of the goblin and only the tendency of water to pool on the cave floors kept us from dying of thirst. On the third day without food, I woke to find Beauty sitting on a rock, sharpening a knife and looking at Albert.  I sat down next to her.

“I bet he tastes better than goblin.” She stated without preamble.

“I bet he tastes EXACTLY like goblin.” I told her.

She shrugged.  “He might.  Of course, I’d kill for some goblin right now…” She let the thought hang there.

“Well, it doesn’t matter.  We can’t eat him.  We still need him if we’re going to complete the mission.”  I reminded her.

“We’re not going to complete the mission.” She sighed.  “Everything hinges on the stupid dwarf.  The only thing he
might
be good for is to fill our bellies.  And he’ll probably manage to fuck that up too.”

I laughed.  “He probably would!  Probably give us indigestion!  Look.  Let’s give it another couple of days.  If it really looks like we’re not going to make it.  Well… We’ll deal with it then.  Ok?”  I wasn’t sure if she was serious or not.  I mean, I guess at some level she was serious.  We ate the goblin and, hell, dwarf isn’t
that
far from goblin.  Still, Albert was, more or less, a member of our party.  Maybe not willingly and maybe he wasn’t particularly competent, but still, he was part of the team.  I wasn’t sure what I would do.  Would I let her kill him?  Would I even have a choice?  Could I really defend Albert against Beauty?  Once he was dead, would I eat him?

We’ll never know!  Because the next day we found the cave!  And found is the right word.  At this point we were just randomly entering caves and waiting to see if Albert got the right ‘feel’.  He got the right feel, more than you would expect, in the wrong caves, but finally he had the right feel and after an hour of ‘I can feel it!’ And ‘We’re getting closer!’ he found a cache of food!  Apparently this happened all the time, so the dwarves hid food and water in the right cave, so that their half-dead kin could make it home alive.

The food, some kind of twelve year-old stale biscuit, was the best thing I’d ever eaten!  On a scale of goblin to ten, I’d give it a ten!   

“Ok.” Albert said, fixing his head lamp back on his head, as we relaxed after having eaten our fill. “It should be smooth sailing from here on out.  Er, until we come to the part with the dragon and the fiery death.”

Beauty rattled her sword in its sheath. “Don’t worry about that.  We’ll all be wearing dragon-hide boot this time next year.” Little known fact: Dragon-hide needs a year to cure before it can be made into leather.  I was surprised that Beauty knew that. 

We loaded the rest of the biscuits and water into our packs and Albert led the way.  Now that we were in the right cave and well fed, Albert seemed more capable.  He identified all the traps for the unwary and led us safely into the heart of the mountain. 

We stopped at a crossroads (crosscaves? crosstunnels?).  “That way leads to the castle and the dragon and the evil queen and almost certain death.” Albert pointed at one passage.  “This way, leads to the sea, where there should be boats provisioned and ready to go.  You know, just to give you the option.”

“So, this way to the Magic Mirror.” Said Beauty, striding forward.

There was almost no warning, just a slight tremble, almost imperceptible, and then the tunnel wall crumbled and a giant circular mouth, lined with concentric rows of teeth came at us.  We ran, of course.  The Colossal Blind Rock Worm is known to be invincible.  

“The fuck Albert?”  I shouted as the full length of the Worm piled into the tunnel.  “You said, Dragon!  You said spiked deadfalls, poison darts, giant rolling stone balls and pits of snakes!  You didn’t say a gad damned thing about a Rock Worm!  Are you trying to get us killed?!”

But Albert was too busy pumping his dwarf legs to answer.  The Worms, although proof against fire, blades, poison, explosions and suffocation, aren’t particularly fast.  But, they are also tireless.  That meant that, eventually, it would catch us and eat us.  It was just a matter of time. 

“Down here!” Albert yelled.  Indicating a side tunnel.  Beauty and I were well ahead of him so we had to backtrack to reach his tunnel.  Albert waited for us at the mouth of the tunnel and waved us on with a warning to stay to the left side.  He followed us a ways, then he stopped.  The Worm had followed us into the tunnel.  Albert waited, more or less, calmly for the Worm.  I wondered if he was planning to sacrifice himself.  Maybe I should have stopped him.  But as the Worm approached, Albert casually kicked a pebble sending it into a hidden switch that opened a giant hole in the cavern floor and the surprised Worm dropped out of sight! 

“Albert!  You fucking incompetent asshole!  That was gorgeous!” Beauty slapped him on the back hard enough that he lost his footing, but not his smile!