Let's Be Less Stupid: An Attempt to Maintain My Mental Faculties (9 page)
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Authors: Patricia Marx
Tags: #Humour, #Essays
SCORING:
1 point for each correct answer.
| 0: | Zero? Really? Do this test again, but this time cheat. |
| 1: | Not everyone’s creative. CPAs make a very good living. |
| 2–4: | Maybe you’re more of a Rorschach type of person. Or maybe your strength lies in deciphering street signs. |
| 5–7: | Terrific job! This test was mostly fake, and yet you scored very well. |
| 8–9: | No effing way! I made up this quiz and there’s no way I could get this close. |
| 11: | You are likely a witch or a warlock. Do you have spells? Is that how you did this? |
DIRECTIONS:
Match the person with the IQ.
| Martin Luther | 78 |
| Muhammad Ali | 86 |
| Thomas Edison | 105 |
| Johann Sebastian Bach | 118 |
| Bill Clinton | 118 |
| John F. Kennedy | 119 |
| Lee Harvey Oswald | 121 |
| Franklin D. Roosevelt | 122 |
| Dwight Eisenhower | 123 |
| Ulysses S. Grant | 125 |
| Hillary Clinton | 130 |
| Barack Obama | 130–148 |
| Ronald Reagan | 132 |
| Bobby Fischer | 135 |
| George W. Bush | 137 |
| Gerald Ford | 140 |
| Andrew Jackson | 140 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger | 143 |
| Charles Dickens | 145 |
| George Eliot | 145 |
| Bill Gates | 147 |
| Benjamin Franklin | 150 |
| Albert Einstein | 155 |
| Reggie Jackson | 155 |
| Galileo | 155 |
| Jodie Foster | 156 |
| Andy Warhol | 156 |
| George Washington | 160 |
| Richard Nixon | 160 |
| Voltaire | 160 |
| Ralph Waldo Emerson | 160 |
| Sigmund Freud | 160 |
| Stephen Hawking | 160 |
| Leonardo da Vinci | 165 |
| John Stuart Mill | 165 |
| René Descartes | 170 |
| Jean-Jacques Rousseau | 170 |
| Plato | 170 |
| Rembrandt | 175 |
| Madonna | 180 |
| Napoleon | 180 |
| Benjamin Netanyahu | 185 |
| Richard Wagner | 185 |
| Baruch Spinoza | 187 |
| Quentin Tarantino | 190 |
| Jonathan Swift | 200 |
| Lisa Simpson | 220 |
ANSWERS:
| Martin Luther: | 170 |
| Muhammad Ali: | 78 |
| Thomas Edison: | 145 |
| Johann Sebastian Bach: | 165 |
| Bill Clinton: | 137 |
| John F. Kennedy: | 119 |
| Lee Harvey Oswald: | 118 |
| Franklin D. Roosevelt: | 147 |
| Dwight Eisenhower: | 122 |
| Ulysses S. Grant: | 130 |
| Hillary Clinton: | 140 |
| Barack Obama: | 130–148 |
| Ronald Reagan: | 105 |
| Bobby Fischer: | 187 |
| George W. Bush: | 125 |
| Gerald Ford: | 121 |
| Andrew Jackson: | 123 |
| Arnold Schwarzenegger: | 135 |
| Charles Dickens: | 180 |
| George Eliot: | 160 |
| Bill Gates: | 160 |
| Benjamin Franklin: | 160 |
| Albert Einstein: | 165 |
| Reggie Jackson: | 160 |
| Galileo: | 185 |
| Jodie Foster: | 132 |
| Andy Warhol: | 86 |
| George Washington: | 118 |
| Richard Nixon: | 143 |
| Voltaire: | 190 |
| Ralph Waldo Emerson: | 155 |
| Sigmund Freud: | 156 |
| Stephen Hawking: | 160 |
| Leonardo da Vinci: | 220 |
| John Stuart Mill: | 200 |
| René Descartes: | 185 |
| Jean-Jacques Rousseau: | 150 |
| Plato: | 170 |
| Rembrandt: | 155 |
| Madonna: | 140 |
| Napoleon: | 145 |
| Benjamin Netanyahu: | 180 |
| Richard Wagner: | 170 |
| Baruch Spinoza: | 175 |
| Quentin Tarantino: | 160 |
| Jonathan Swift: | 155 |
| Lisa Simpson: | 156 |
SCORING:
Give yourself 6 points for every correct match. Add this to 100. Subtract 1 point for every match you get wrong. If you cannot do this calculation without a calculator, deduct 20 points.
Bonus points: Add the month, day, and year of your birthday. Reduce this four-digit numeral to one digit. Add your zip code. Divide by your niece’s phone number plus the security code on your favorite credit card. Subtract your shoe size. Do the hokeypokey and turn yourself around.
When I took the SATs in eleventh grade, my friend Judy advised me that if I stuck chewed cinnamon Trident chewing gum to the upper right-hand corner of the first page, I would get a perfect score. I did not follow her advice and I did not get a perfect score. After graduating from college, I considered retaking the SATs and then, after I inevitably scored lower than I did the first time, to sue my college for diseducating me.
Diseducate
isn’t even a word. That’s how dumb I am. Maybe more unpleasant than finding out how tragic your verbal and mathematical abilities are, however, is learning, to the exact number, how deficiently your intelligence measures up against the norm. I’m talking, of course, about taking an IQ test. For the sake of science, and to amuse you at my expense, dear reader, I have elected to take the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale, which is nowadays the most commonly administered IQ test. After my brain has been renovated, I will endure the trial again.