Letters Written in White (17 page)

“Kingsley?” I say, tears forming at the corners of my eyes. I take a step forward and he calmly turns around to face me.

Immediately I’m entranced by his unmistakable and magnetic blue eyes. The corners of his lips turn up as he smiles widely. His white teeth gleam. My eyes are tracing every feature of his face.

A face I haven’t seen in so long.

A face I have missed so dearly.

My big brother.

My best friend.

With his arms outreached, he says, “Baby Sis.”

I leap forward into his arms, burying my tear-soaked face in his chest.

“Is it really you?” I cry in disbelief.

His arms loop around me and he squeezes tightly. “It’s really me.”

When I feel him place a kiss on top of my head, the floodgates fully open and I begin to sob uncontrollably.

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay,” he tells me.

“It’s not okay. I’m not okay. Everything is so far from okay, Kingsley. What have I done? God, what have I done?”

He pulls back from me some and places a finger under my chin, tilting my head upward. “Look at me,” he says.

I sniffle and nod. “Okay.”

“Everything is going to be okay, Riah. Look how far you’ve come already. Many never make it this far. I know you’re confused and worried, but it’s going to be all right. Trust me,” he tells me, dropping his hand.

When he says to trust him, I instantly feel a wave of relief come over me. There’s one thing about my brother that never wavered. He’s a man of his word. I turn and look around the room.

“She’s gone.”

“Yes, and I’m here now,” he reassures me.

I look him up and down, and no matter how real it seems, I can’t believe it’s really Kingsley.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I whisper.

He grins. “No more sadness, all right?”

There’s no such thing, I think to myself.

“Here,” he says, holding out a key that dangles from a red silk ribbon. “It’s time for you to move on. It’s time for you to be free.”

“We can all set ourselves free

by bringing things out of the darkness

and into the light.”

IN AWE, I stare at the key. It’s almost as if it’s not real. I felt like I would never find my key. My eyes dart from the key to the door. I go still and try to imagine what could be beyond the door. Why does seeing this key make me feel so full of hope and trepidation at the same time? Will I still be able to see my family? What will happen to them?

“What’s behind the door, Kingsley? Do we get to stay together? I don’t want to be without you now that I have you back again. I just…I can’t lose you again.”

“You’ve never been alone, Riah. Just like Lily was never alone. But I know that’s what you both felt were your realities, and as much as I hate the choices you made, I don’t fault you for them.”

“Is Lily there?” I ask him.

“She is,” he beams.

Lily, his wife, lost her battle with depression years ago, and it crushed my brother. Selfishly, I never even considered the aftermath Lily’s choice created when I made my choice.

“Oh, Kingsley, that’s wonderful. I’m so glad you were reunited with her. Does that mean one day I’ll see the rest of my family again?”

“You will.”

Relief washes over me and I take notice of the door over his shoulder. It has now stopped fading.

“Can we go? Through the door? What’s it like on the other side of it? Have you been there? Why do I suddenly feel so hopeful?”

Questions and anticipation roll around in my head like bowling balls.

He grabs my hand and starts in the direction of the door. “I’ve been there since my accident. It’s a place where you’re never going to feel pain of any kind ever again. There’s no more tears, death, sorrow, or fear. Through the door you’ll no longer be burdened by earthly suffering. You faced all of your pain, your mistakes, and you saw all that you had to be thankful for in your life.”

Holding my hand, he walks me toward the door. When we reach the door, he squeezes my hand slightly before releasing it. “I know this journey was confusing, but you needed fewer answers and more perspective. Sometimes the only answer we really need is deep inside ourselves under invisible words we never allow ourselves to say or acknowledge.” He nods toward the door and places the key in my hand. “Go ahead, unlock it.”

I try to imagine being whole without my husband and children. I don’t know how I’ll ever feel free without them. I reach out, place the key in the hole, and turn it. I look back at Kingsley and I see them. All of the beings that have guided me since I got here are standing behind me. In unison, they all smile at me and gesture toward the door. I nod and slowly turn the glass knob. Before stepping through the doorway I look over to the other door that led to the room of mirrors where I was able to see my family.

Although it was painful to see them, it’s heartbreaking to think that I can’t see them anymore once I walk through this door. The angelic woman who was with me last before Kingsley appears comes to my side. She places her hand on my shoulder and says, “Your truth has been told. Your burdens are now laid to rest. On this day, beyond this door, you have nothing to fear. You have been cleansed.”

I roll the key between my fingers anxiously before placing it into the keyhole. It’s warm and smooth to the touch. Turning it slowly, I unlock the door. Once it’s unlocked I don’t even have to open the door. It opens all on its own. My eyes widen at the sight before me. In the center of a huge and breathtaking field of green grass stand multiple magnificent Weeping Willow trees. They are my favorite tree. Their long and flexible branches sweep the ground like paintbrushes against an earthen canvas.

“It’s beautiful,” I whisper, holding my hand over my heart.

I look over at Kingsley spellbound, not only because of what I’m seeing but also because of what I’m feeling.

“My heart, it’s beating again.”

Tears begin to fall from my eyes. Tears of joy.

“You wanted to die when you felt there was no other answer. And even though you know you would do things differently if given the chance to go back, here you get to live again…forever. Your regrets are buried, forgiven, and one day you’ll get to see Grayson and the kids again. You can then tell them yourself how much you have always loved them, just like Lily did when she finally had me back again.”

“How long will I be here waiting for them?” I ask.

“There’s no time here. No waiting. No missing. No counting down the minutes or hours.”

There’s a warm breeze, and the sensations of life are buzzing all around me. I wiggle my toes in the soft blades of green grass beneath my feet. Dragonflies flutter around on silver wings. All along the outer edges of the field are the most vibrant purple verbena flowers I’ve ever seen. It’s magical.

“It’s so beautiful here. Where’s everyone else?” I ask.

“This is your space, Riah, your little piece of freedom. Somewhere in a place within your mind, this is what you pictured as a place of peacefulness. Beyond the edge of the flowers are acres of land that span an infinite distance, where you’ll find others. You’re free to roam or stay in one place. Lily will come see us here soon. She wanted to give us time alone together.”

My eyes can’t fully absorb the serene beauty of it all at once. They flick from one detail to the next. Kingsley smiles at me and takes my hand.

“Do you remember that time when we were teenagers and got into that huge argument over the truck?” he asks.

We begin a slow walk as we talk. I search my mind for the time he’s referring to, wondering why he’s bringing it up.

“Yes, I do. Mom and Dad couldn’t afford to buy us each our own vehicles, so we had to share. That night we were not about to compromise on who got to use it or for how long.”

We both laugh a little at the memory of that night.

“Yeah, I had a date with Lily planned, but you had plans to take some friends to the movies. We got loud arguing and said some pretty nasty things to each other,” he says, recalling that night so long ago.

“And Mom made us cancel our plans and sentenced us to the entire evening together.” I giggle.

It feels so incredible for laughter to pass through my lips. It’s a thing of beauty I never recognized until now.

We stop near one of the trees where a single wood bench is and sit.

“I was so mad at you. The last thing I wanted was to hang out with you after having to cancel with Lily.”

“But we did because Mom threatened to take the truck from us for a month. She told us to take back the mean things we said to each other and to go figure out how to enjoy each other because we would only ever have one sibling,” I say.

Kingsley leans back into a more relaxed position and smiles. “And we ended up driving around giving each other the silent treatment until I stopped at the lake. We got out and sat on the tailgate of the truck, still salty about our ruined plans, and then you started talking to me. Do you remember that?”

I don’t respond right away because I do remember, and I wasn’t expecting this to come up, especially now that I’m out of the Reflection Realm.

“I do,” I say simply.

“You looked out across the lake. That lake had huge Weeping Willows all along the bank, ones just like these here. I never forgot what you told me that night even though we never talked about it again.” He pauses and puts his hand on my leg to comfort any uneasiness he thinks this might cause me to talk about again.

He gazes out toward the grand trees surrounding us in momentary deep thought before continuing.

“You watched the trees at the edge of the water and began to talk about them in a poetic fashion.”

“I don’t know why they’re named Weeping Willows. I have never seen a tree more beautiful or as peaceful than these. How can something so full of beauty weep? I know people think they look sad because the branches droop. I don’t see them that way. The branches aren’t sad. They’re dancing. I don’t know where people go when they die, but I bet it’s full of those trees. They should be called Angel Willows. The tiny leaves on the branches are like little angel wings and they flutter…they dance.

I begin to recall that very night as he continues talking, and even though I expect a darkness to come over me, I don’t feel it at all.

“Of course, these trees would be in the place where good people go after they die. I wonder where the bad people go?”

Remembering that conversation so vividly now, I turn to Kingsley, and with all seriousness I ask him, “He’s not here, is he? He can’t be here, right?”

Although I don’t feel the usual feelings of fear or uneasiness, I do feel the need to know the answer to this question. The answer may very well cause me to question everything.

He reaches over and interlaces his fingers with mine. “He’s not,” he replies.

I can’t imagine what the purpose of him bringing up my grandfather now could be, but I am sure he has a good reason.

“Why have you brought this up, Kingsley? Is there something you aren’t telling me?”

He peers at me for a moment before saying, “I just wanted you to know that I understand. I never told you that and I always wished I had. When you disclosed what he had done to you when you were younger, I wasn’t brave enough to tell you he had done it to me too. I was too ashamed to say the words. I wanted to be strong for you even though I had not been able to be strong for myself.”

I’m in disbelief. My eyes must be the size of saucers as I listen to him tell me this.

“Oh, Kingsley, I had no idea. I’m so sorry you had to shoulder that alone. I wish you had told me too, but I understand. I know I went on and on about him, what he did to me and how much I wished him to die. I didn’t really give you a chance to say much of anything. I think because I had never told anyone, I just couldn’t stop once I opened up the floodgates. Telling you was such a relief, even if it was just a temporary one.”

He looks over at me and smiles. “It’s not temporary anymore. The relief is permanent. For both of us. And he’s not here. I suspect he never made it to his Key Keeper. But now, that doesn’t even matter anymore. Everything is as it should be. I just wanted you to know that I understood. I understand what you went through and you were never alone, no matter how alone you felt in your life. Everyone handles pain differently. That doesn’t mean I’m stronger or that you were wrong. We both met the Devil at young ages. I buried him and was able to keep him there. You buried him and he resurfaced for you over and over again. You can’t fault yourself for that, and I’m glad you are finally able to see that.”

I lean over and wrap my arms around him. “I love you so much.”

He hugs me back. “You know, that day when you described the trees, I was jealous. I looked at them and only saw trees. I kind of wished I could see things the way you always did. You were always such a deep thinker.”

I pull back from him some and grin. “You were a teenage boy. You only saw and thought about one thing in those days. Lily, Lily, and more Lily.