Letting Go (4 page)

Joss frowned because every example had been said in the past tense.

“Is that not the case now?” Joss asked.

Chessy smiled brightly. Too brightly. “Of course it is. I was just saying. And well, perhaps it’s not as perfect as it used to be, but that’s to be expected. Tate has been so busy making his business a success, and when the newness wears off any relationship, it’s easy to fall into a routine. Don’t worry. We’re not divorcing or anything,” she said with a laugh.

But the forced gaiety bothered Joss. She shoved aside her sense of foreboding to focus on the matter at hand.

“Again, if this is too personal a matter to discuss,” Joss said. But Chessy waved her off and motioned for her to continue. “What kinds of things do you and Tate do? I mean are you into bondage? Pain? Floggings? Or is it a simple matter of you obeying his commands and him calling the shots?”

Kylie looked as though she’d be ill, and she fiddled with her food as if she were trying to block out the conversation. Her face had grown pale, and Joss began to have second thoughts about bringing this up in front of her. But she hadn’t wanted Kylie not to know. She owed her sister-in-law that much. To let her know she was going to at least
try
to move on and perhaps become involved, even if temporarily, with another man. It certainly wasn’t something she wanted Kylie to find out by chance. She wanted Kylie to hear it from her.

“I think it’s a matter of what you want,” Chessy said quietly. “Yes, we practice all of those things and much more. I am his to do with as he wishes. He knows how far he can go. We’ve been together long enough that he well knows my boundaries. Perhaps better than I know myself. But it’s important in the beginning that you’re very honest with your partner and that you set boundaries. He needs to know exactly what you are and aren’t comfortable with. And you’ll need a safe word until your relationship evolves enough that he knows just how far he can push.”

“I feel like a kid in a toy store,” Joss said ruefully. “I want to try everything. At least once. I don’t
know
my boundaries. I won’t know until they’re crossed.”

“Then it’s even more important that you pick the right guy. One who understands that you’re new to the scene. That you want to experiment but that you reserve the right to pull the plug at any moment. And for God’s sake, Joss, don’t agree to go home with a guy until you know him very well. Stay at the club. Do all your experimenting there in a public facility where there’s plenty of security.”

Joss nodded. She’d already considered that, and no way was she bringing a guy home. To the place she and Carson had lived and loved. It would be the height of disrespect to practice what would have appalled her husband under his own roof. And neither would she agree to go off with some stranger where God only knew what could happen once he had her alone and at his mercy.

It wasn’t that she hadn’t considered all the risks. She had! She’d visited The House more than once. She’d questioned Damon Roche endlessly, and the man had exhibited a huge amount of patience and understanding. But now she was having second thoughts listening to Chessy’s warnings.

But no. She’d thought this through. It was all she’d thought about over the last months. And while moving forward with her new life on the three-year anniversary of her husband’s death may seem tacky, for her it was symbolic. She wasn’t backing out now.

She’d positively shivered when Chessy had stated that she was her husband’s. That she belonged to him and he could do as he wished. Joss wanted that. She craved it with a dark need she didn’t even fully understand. It wasn’t that she hadn’t belonged heart and soul to Carson. She had. She’d held no part of herself back from him.

But this need for dominance went deeper than just belonging. She wanted to be . . . owned. Cherished. Utterly adored. All the things her husband had given her but . . .
more
. She wanted to cross that gray line. Wanted to shatter her boundaries. She wanted to discover what they were and just how far she was willing and wanted to go. How would she know if she never tried?

“You’re going to do it, aren’t you?” Kylie asked quietly. “I can see it in your eyes, Joss. I know that look. You’re actually going to do this.”

Joss nodded, feeling a sense of relief at affirming it.

Chessy reached across the table to catch Joss’s other hand and squeezed it until Joss was holding on to both her friends’ hands.

“Then I wish you luck,” Chessy said.

“Hey, don’t you have to go?” Joss asked, suddenly remembering that Chessy had mentioned several days earlier that she and Tate were spending the afternoon together. “Isn’t Tate expecting you? I don’t want to keep you. I just wanted to ask you those questions.”

Again that barely discernible flicker in Chessy’s eyes before she dropped her gaze and her hold on Joss’s hand.

“No,” Chessy said lightly. “He had to cancel. An important matter came up at work.”

Joss grimaced. “Sorry. I know you were looking forward to it. Unfortunately, I do have to run. I need time to prepare for tonight. Though I’ve made up my mind about it, I’m still nervous enough to need time to get ready and talk myself into going through with it.”

Chessy smiled. “I’ll expect a report first thing tomorrow, and if I don’t get it, I’m coming over. And if you aren’t home, I’m calling the police!”

Joss smiled. “Of course I will.”

She rose after placing several bills on the table to cover lunch. Kylie stood too.

“I’ll walk you out,” Kylie said.

Chessy shot Joss a raised brow look and then glanced pointedly at Kylie. Joss sighed. She knew what was coming. With a wave to Chessy, Joss walked out of the restaurant, Kylie at her side.

When they got to the cars, Kylie put a hand out to Joss’s arm.

“Joss, have you really thought this through?” she asked in a pleading tone. “I’m really worried about you. This isn’t like you at all. What would Carson think? Joss, he’d die if he knew!”

“Kylie, Carson
is
dead,” Joss said gently. “We can’t bring him back. God, if I could, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I’d forget everything about my wants or needs if I could have him back. But he’s
gone
.”

Tears clogged her throat. Tears she’d refused to allow herself to shed today. She’d been determined that this year would be different. That she wouldn’t spend the anniversary of her husband’s death listless and grieving.

Kylie’s eyes were grief stricken. Tears welled up and slid soundlessly down her cheeks. “I miss him so much, Joss. He was my only family. I still can’t believe he’s
gone
.”

Joss enfolded her in a hug, holding her tightly as Kylie’s shoulders shook. “You’re wrong. You have family. You have
me
. I’m not going anywhere. This doesn’t change things between us. I swear it. But Kylie, I have to pick up and move on with my life. This is killing me. My grief has been slowly killing me, and Carson would
hate
that. He’d never want me to spend the rest of my life mourning him. He’d be the first person to want me to be happy even if it wasn’t with him.”

Kylie pulled away, wiping hastily at her tears. “I know that. I do. And
I
want you to be happy, Joss. But does it have to be this way? You don’t understand what it’s like to be at the mercy of a monster. You can’t possibly want to put yourself in a position where you’re helpless under a man’s power. He could hurt you. Abuse you.
Believe
me, you don’t want that. You could never understand how degrading and powerless that feeling is and I
do
. And I don’t want that for
you
. Carson would never want that for you.”

Joss gently wiped away the rest of Kylie’s tears. “Not all men are like that, Kylie. I know your concerns. I’m not negating what you and Carson went through. I’d never allow that for myself. And look at Chessy and Tate. You know what kind of relationship they have. Do you honestly believe Tate would ever harm a hair on her head? He loves her. He adores her. He absolutely respects the gift of her submission. And
that’s
what I want.”

“But he
is
hurting her,” Kylie said fiercely. “You had to have seen what I saw today. What we’ve seen for the last while. She’s not happy, Joss, and I’m worried about her. What if he’s abusing her?”

Joss blinked, utterly shocked by Kylie’s assertion. Yes, she’d noticed that Chessy wasn’t her usual cheerful, sunny self. She’d sensed that something was off about her best friend, but never had she entertained, even for a moment, that Tate was hurting her physically.

“I don’t know exactly what’s going on with Chessy and Tate,” Joss said carefully. “But I do know that there is no way he’s abusing her. Chessy would never stand for it. She’s too strong and independent, despite the fact that she gave Tate her submission. Not to mention she’d tell us if he was hurting her. We’re too close of friends. We’d know, Kylie. We’d
know
.”

“No one ever knew the hell that Carson and I endured,” Kylie said painfully. “We hid it from the world. Our father appeared to others as a doting parent incapable of ever doing us harm. But behind closed doors he was a
monster
.”

“Please don’t worry about me,” Joss said. “And don’t worry about Chessy. I’ll talk to her if it makes you feel better. I know Tate. We all know Tate. We’ve all been friends for years. There is no way he is abusing Chessy. And sweetie, I know you’re not happy with my choice. I don’t expect you to accept it, but I’d like for you to respect it at least.”

“I love you,” Kylie said brokenly. “And I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t at least try to steer you away from the path you seem so determined to take. But if this is really what you want, if it’s what you need and it will make you happy, then I’ll try to respect your choices. I just don’t want to lose you too.”

Joss hugged her again. “You’re not going to lose me. You’re my sister and my best friend. Carson was not my only tie to you and now that he’s gone it doesn’t mean that our tie is severed. You’re my family, Kylie. I love you.”

Kylie pulled away, a watery smile quivering on her lips. “I’ll expect a report tomorrow just like Chessy. I won’t sleep tonight for worrying about you. I just hope you know what it is you’re getting into.”

“So do I,” Joss murmured. “So do I.”

THREE

DASH
Corbin parked his car outside The House and sat for a moment, wondering again why he was here tonight. Normally on the anniversary of Carson’s death, Dash would spend the day—and evening—with Joss. Not that he didn’t spend plenty of other days with her, but for the first two anniversaries of Carson’s passing, he’d spent the entire day with Joss. Holding her. Comforting her. Supporting her.

And it was his own personal hell.

It sucked to be in love with his best friend’s wife. He’d lived with guilt for the entirety of Carson’s marriage to Joss. Carson had known. He’d guessed, though Dash had done his best never to allow his feelings to show. But his best friend was perceptive. He knew him better than anyone else ever had. They weren’t just business partners. They were as close as brothers, though Dash hadn’t existed in the hell that Carson and Kylie had endured growing up.

No, Dash’s family was the complete antithesis of Carson’s. If you could call the piece-of-shit bastard who’d fathered Carson
family
. Dash’s parents were still as solidly in love now as they were forty years ago when they’d married. Dash was one of five siblings, the middle child. Two older brothers. Two younger sisters who were spoiled and protected by their older brothers.

Carson had been befuddled by Dash’s close-knit family from the moment he’d first met them. He hadn’t known how to react to a normal, well-adjusted family setting. But Dash’s family had embraced Carson—and Joss, when Carson had married her. And even Kylie, though she was more reserved and more wary of his large family than Carson was.

Dash sighed again and got out, walking to the entrance of The House. He wasn’t even interested in any action tonight, but he was restless and on edge. Joss had occupied his thoughts the entire day. Ever since he’d taken her to the cemetery and had seen the difference in her.

He didn’t know what to make of the abrupt change. She’d walked out of her house in jeans and a T-shirt, looking so young and beautiful that it still made his chest ache to remember the image of her.

And then she’d asked to be left alone at the grave and she’d stayed there, her lips moving as she’d spoken to Carson for a long while. When she’d returned, there was a marked difference in her demeanor. And then that spiel about not needing him.
Apologizing
to him, for fuck’s sake. Apologizing for being a goddamn burden. For taking up too much of his life and time. Hell, she didn’t even realize she
was
his life. Or at least he hoped she would be.

He checked in with the man working the door and wandered through the lower levels. The social rooms. The places where people met up, drank good wine, mingled before moving upstairs to the common room or one of the private suites.