Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses (6 page)

I’VE NOTICED SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF AND PEOPLE IN
general: When we have suffered disappointment and loss, our thoughts can easily wander onto a negative track. Grief distorts our perceptions. Emotional pain fuels faulty thinking and can bring on crises of faith. Pain skews judgment and can cause us to view reality with a pessimistic eye.

On the other hand, deliberately recalling God’s goodness can lead us out of our discouraging doldrums. It’s a good life strategy. That’s what David, the writer of many of the Psalms, did when he was worn so thin that he didn’t know if he could face another day in this world.

David, a man with a big heart and a tall assignment, knew well the highs and lows that come with life. His words reflect the anguish of his soul:

But as we read further in the Psalm, something in David’s mood and tone does an about-face. Suddenly a song of praise bubbles from the depths of his dark pool of despair:

What made the difference? What brought about the change in David’s heart? What washed away his grief? Sandwiched between verses 10 and 13 is the key—the passage in which David pauses and remembers. Here he recounts God’s faithful acts of love in his past:

How about you? What do you do in those times of life when you’re so beaten down by demands that you’re too tired to pray? (By the way, lest you think you’re all alone, I haven’t yet met a person who hasn’t been there, including the woman I see in the mirror every day!) What do you do when you feel as though you’re at the end of your rope and there’s simply not enough strength to keep holding on? What do you do when it seems that the entire world is fighting against you?

David did something helpful: He remembered. He listed all the times when God had made a difference in his past.

Everyone has experienced God’s loving activity at a pivotal moment in his or her life. I’ve had those moments. You’ve had those moments. We may not have recognized them every time, but God has been actively involved in our lives from day one.

Think about it.

Have you ever had a narrow escape from a tough situation and felt that an invisible bodyguard had protected you? Have you considered the possibility that God was the one that rescued you?

Have you ever received a blessing you know you didn’t earn? God is the giver of all good gifts.

Have you ever steered away from trouble and toward something more noble because something inside you quietly craved purity? Only God makes people want to be holy.

Have you ever made a good decision that took you in a surprisingly positive direction just because you felt “led”? My hunch is that God was speaking to you.

Have you ever gone through a hard time, only to discover later that those difficult circumstances prepared you for something greater in your life? God is good at bringing something of great value out of adversity.

Many of us have probably discounted moments like these and considered them coincidence, luck, or a fluke. Or perhaps we celebrated some of these divine interventions but lost sight of them in the fog of the daily grind of life. The real question is not whether we have had moments when God intervened in our lives. The question is: What have we done with them?
¹

Remembering God’s presence with me in the past gives me the faith and courage to handle the situations I face now. But how easy it is to forget! The memory dulls. We go to retrieve something from our mental files, only to find the cabinet locked.

Yet we must remember, because memories can beef up our courage. For years I’ve used the technique of recalling positive memories to empower my clients for peak performance. I’ve worked with a number of top collegiate athletes who struggle with anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. They need to prepare themselves mentally to compete, and as they anticipate an upcoming event, they have a choice. They can rehearse the times in their pasts when they made mistakes or
major blunders and fell apart under pressure, or they can recall the times they operated at their optimal level. Which memories do you think have the ability to spur them to success?

If recalling positive memories enhances the performance of an athlete facing a challenging competition, imagine the difference it can make in building our faith for managing today’s pressures and tomorrow’s deadlines.

It seems so simple. I suppose it is. Perhaps we try to make life too complicated and the solutions too difficult.

I think that, in some ways, our spiritual life becomes dwarfed when we forget our past. There is a propensity in our high-pressured, fast-paced society to allow the urgent demands of today and the worries of tomorrow to dominate our thinking. We live in the information age, and it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that if we just gather more facts, secure more data, or run tighter calculations, our problems will be solved. But there comes a time when we need to stop seeking more information or advice and make remembering our prescription of choice.

When Nathan was born with Down syndrome, John and I went through a deep grieving process. We gathered information about the diagnosis, read book after book, and talked
with specialist after specialist. We wanted to understand our son’s condition to the best of our ability.

But stockpiling information didn’t heal our pain. In fact, there were times when we didn’t want to read another word or hear another thing from anyone about Down syndrome because the information that increased our awareness also fueled our fears. When we thought about our future of raising a mentally retarded son, we needed more than information. We needed some real-life, rock-solid reminders that God had not abandoned us. We needed some tangible reasons to hope. That’s what remembering gives us.

Doesn’t it make sense to build your faith on what you
do
know rather than on what you
don’t
know? There are a lot of things I don’t know. I don’t know why Nathan was born with Down syndrome. I don’t know why he hasn’t been able to learn to talk. I don’t know whether or not he will ever have the capacity to live and work on his own. Only time will tell. And I could spend a lot of time focusing on all the things I don’t know and watch my faith erode. Or I can spend my time rehearsing what I know for sure.

I do know that God loves Nathan and has a plan and purpose for his life. I do know that Nathan has gifts and abilities that are allowing him to make valuable contributions to this world. I do know that though there are many difficulties and sorrows inherent in raising a child with a handicap, there are also many joys. Nathan is teaching us lessons about life and love that we probably would not have learned without him in our family.

How about you? What truths do your stories tell? When did God intervene in your past and help you survive losses and disappointments? If you need help remembering, just ask God. He can open your eyes and help you see a bigger picture.

Jesus said, “The Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will
remind
you of everything I have said to you” (John 14:26, emphasis mine).

Why? Because when our heart is burdened and we need encouragement, remembering matters.

Recalling empowers us.

Reflecting energizes us.

Reminiscing refreshes and restores our sense of balance.

C
HAPTER
F
IVE

RUN TO GOD. IT SOUNDS SO BASIC. BUT WHEN WE’RE IN
pain, our first tendency is often to retreat from everyone, including God. We run in all kinds of directions by keeping ourselves excessively busy. We turn to activities, food, alcohol, novels, shopping, entertainment, and other people to mask our pain. Rollo May said it well: “It is an old and ironic habit of human beings to run faster when we have lost our way.”

In our times of letting go, God is the one we need to run to because He knows us better than we know ourselves. He’s the specialist who can give us insight into our needs. He’s the chief guide who can offer direction when we’re confused by the path before us. He’s the caretaker of our souls who can give us strength and courage when we’re afraid to let go.

Scripture provides a sturdy signpost when we find ourselves on a dangerous road:

One of the best coping skills I know for dealing with the painful realities of life is to tune your mind-set to watch for God’s activities. You’ll find what you’re looking for.