Letting go of Grace (14 page)

“You want the truth next?” I fire at Grant. He looks down and I slide between their two bodies and start to run down the hallway.

I make it outside and smell the remnants of my birthday present from Grant. I’m happy it’s gone. Now I don’t have to worry about giving it back to him. I walk till I get to the back of the hospital and find a bench to sit on. I blow out all the air in my lungs till I feel deflated. I lean down and place my elbows on my knees and my hands over my face. That’s when the floodgates opened, and once they burst open there isn’t a chance in hell at stopping them. I cry from the pain I still feel in my heart. I cry for the almost chance I had at love with Grant. I cried for the feelings I tried to stop myself from having with Aiden. I let myself finally cry over them. After what feels like hours of crying, I will myself to sit up straight on the bench. When I do, I see Grant kneeling in front of me. I never heard him approach me, nor do I know how long he has been there. He takes my hands and places them over his heart.

“This is yours. It has only ever been yours. It belongs to you. It will only beat for you; I only breathe for you. Hannah, I have never loved like I love you. It hurts in a way I have never felt before.” He stops and I see the tears fall down his face. I try not to wipe them away. I don’t know why, but a part of me still wants to take away his pain. I still want to make him better, but I don’t, I just sit silently and feel his heart beat under my hands. I tried desperately to feel Chase’s heartbeat again. It never came.

“It was a kiss, Hannah. It was a fast kiss on the lips to a woman who I have no feelings for. And I know she has no feelings for me.” Putting my hand up, I stop him there.

“You can’t speak for her, Grant. For all you know she is in love with you.”

“Hannah, Ava was in Rome because her girlfriend is a model and she travels all around with her. They got into a fight and she came to me looking for a friend. I never slept with her. Nothing happened. You have to believe me Hannah.” Looking into his pleading eyes I know he is telling the truth, but I still can’t erase what I saw.

“Then why kiss her on the lips?” I whisper looking deeper into his eyes.

“I don’t know, Hannah. We have always kissed on the lips. It’s not like I kissed her like I kiss you. When I kiss you, I give you everything I have behind it. I try to get you to feel my love leaving my heart to fill yours.” He pauses to take a few deep breaths.

“I fucked up. You’re right, I don’t deserve you. But I will try every single day for the rest of my life to get you back. I will do anything and everything to get you back where you belong.” “Hannah, if you told me no more traveling, I would stop. If you want me to sell the goddamn company, I would. I would move across the world to get you back. Please, Hannah.” He hangs his head low and takes my hands into his. I see the tears land on my pants and I can’t stop myself. I have never been able to stop myself when it came to him. I run my fingers across his cheeks and brush the tears off, then run my fingers through his hair. He closes his eyes and rests his head on my lap. He takes his large arms and wraps them around my waist pulling me into him. I end up straddling him as he sits on the grass. His head is against my chest and I bury my face into his hair. Just the smell of him alone breaks me down even more. How can I trust him? He told me the kiss meant nothing, but…

“You said Ava’s girlfriend?”

“Yes, Hannah. My brother and I turned her into a lesbian.” I want to laugh at this, but I don’t. I know they slept together at least once. Guessing the brother he is referring to is Aiden makes it a bitter pill to swallow. How many of the same damn women have these two slept with?

“It still doesn’t change the fact that you kissed her. Gay or not, you broke my trust.”

“What do I have to do, Hannah? You name it and I will do it.”

“It doesn’t work that way, Grant, you have to earn it back, and that takes time.”

“I have all the time in the world. You are the only one that matters to me. You are the only one that has ever mattered to me.” He pulls me in tighter and I let him. I fought, but I knew he would always be able to break me down.

“Hannah I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Every day I will work at gaining your trust back. You can have my cell; I will delete every number out of it. I will do anything you want me to.” He gazes back into my eyes and takes my face in his hands.

“I love you, Hannah. Only you. It has only ever been you, and it will only ever be you. Forever.” Without hesitation he kisses me. I can feel his warm mouth over mine. I feel his soft tongue glide over my bottom lip, urging me to open my mouth to let him in. I can sense my reluctance, but my mouth opens, letting him in. His tongue flicks against mine, deepening our kiss more. The passion is still there and it explodes in us. My hands tangle into his hair as we try to get deeper into each other. He leaves my mouth too soon and trails kisses to my ear then stops. I can feel his nose brush down my neck and back to my ear. It sets me on fire.

“I’ve missed you, Hannah. I’ve missed the smell of you, the feel of you, and most of all, I’ve missed this.” He places his hand over my heart.

“You have opened my eyes to love. I never want to go back to the way I was before you. I realize now that my life was empty. You showed me what I was missing out on. You loved me and showed me what it was like to be loved. No one has ever showed me that.” He stares into my eyes and kisses me softly. His lips brush ever so lightly over mine, making me crave him more.

“You were right about what you said to my mother. We should blame her just as much as him. She knew and didn’t do anything to stop him until she had him killed. I grew up without love and affection from her. I only got that from Addy. I know I’m fucked up, Hannah, but I want to be a better man for you, and for Ella and Hunter. I want to be in your life. You’re my heart.” He places my hand over his heart once more and I look into his intense eyes. He looks so lost as he waits for my answer. I want to take him back. I want to love him, but what about next time? Will there be a next time? Will he live up to everything he has just told me he would do? Is he enough? The most important question is, can I ever trust him again? Can I truly look inside my heart to find the forgiveness to get past this? Does he trust me? Why couldn’t he tell me that she was there? He was mad when I told him about Aiden, but he was doing the same. Aiden… I feel a pull to him as well, but which is stronger? The way he took care of me when Grant destroyed me, showed that he loved me. My indecisiveness takes over and I focus on Grant again. Does he have more to hide? All these thoughts swirl inside my head while I stare blankly into his eyes. I can see into his bare, open soul, and I can either save us and love him, or I can hurt him and have him close back up for the rest of his life. The thought pains me to think that Grant will never love again. Maybe we could get past this. Love conquers all, right? So why am I thinking about Aiden? Testing the waters, I lean in and kiss him. The feeling of his full lips against mine feels good. His stubble tickles me and I have never seen Grant with stubble, or even a five o’clock shadow. I run my hands over his face and pull away from him to gaze into his eyes.

“Please Hannah, don’t look at me like that. The last time you looked at me like that you left me.” I cut off his plea with a kiss. He flips me over so I am lying under him. His kiss gets more urgent like he is trying to show me how much he loves me. The kiss brings love back into my veins and it flows through my heart repairing small pieces for now. I know the missing larger parts will be repaired in time. As long as I can let myself trust him again I think we will be just fine. I pull away from him and see his sexy grin come to his lips. He wants me. He’s willing to earn my trust. I’m worth it to him, which is more than I can say for Aiden. Aiden moved on without looking back. But his new relationship must not be solid as he’d like to believe since his new girlfriend, Sara, was missing in action ever since she was released shortly after arriving at the hospital. Who would be there for him when he got out of surgery? Him alone causes me heart to ache. I’m brought out of my thoughts when Grant begins to speak again.

“I swear Hannah, I will do anything. Just have a little faith in me, please.” I nod yes to him and let him pick me up so we can stand. I peer up at him once I’m back on my feet again. His head bends down for another kiss. This one isn’t filled with greed. It’s a soft kiss with nothing but love backing it. I let my hands run through his soft brown hair that is longer than normal. We release from each other at the same time and he brings his forehead to rest on mine.

“I’m sorry for everything,” he sighs.

“I know, but I want to let you to know that this is a one-time fuck up. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I will give you another chance, but if you fuck up again Grant…” An air of melancholy surrounds me as I gravely look right into his eyes.

“It’s over. Done. I will never give you another thought if you break my heart again.”

“I will never give you another reason to doubt me, Hannah. I’m done traveling outside of the states. You are more important to me than anything else in this world.”

“I’ve moved to the New York office to live on a full time basis. Shane was more than happy to take the Boston office. Aiden wants to travel, and John will run the San Francisco office for me.”

“You have it all figured out, don’t you?”

“After you left I made changes, Hannah. I looked at my life and nothing made sense without you in it. I made some of the biggest decisions of my life that day, but they weren’t hard to make. They made sense.”

“I knew I had to get you back and I would move mountains to do that. Hannah, I will be the nine to five man, if that’s what you want. Just say the words and I will do it.”

“Grant I’m not going to ask your life to change for me. It’s not who I am. I would never ask you to change for me and I would never want you to change me. You can only change if you want to.”

“Do you want to be the nine to five type of man? Is that whom you really are? “

“I don’t want you to resent me later on. You need to do what you feel is right. Don’t think you need to change because you think it will make me happy. I came onboard the first time knowing you travel a lot. I know you are married to that company and love it like nothing else. It’s who you are.”

“No, Hannah, it’s not who I am, it’s what I do. I don’t want to be married to a company. I want to be married to you. I want to live my life knowing that you are in it.”

I study his face, taking in everything he just said to me. “I just don’t want you to be something you’re not, because that wouldn’t be fair,” I whisper.

“I know who I want to be, and it’s not the man that I used to be. He is gone, Hannah. I want to be a better man for you. I want to be a better man for your kids.” I keep steady eye contact with him and I know I have to have this talk while we are on an honesty roll.

“OK, how would you feel if I told you I don’t want to have any more kids? Could you love Hunter and Ella like they were your own? Would you be OK with never having kids of your own?” I see confusion run through his eyes and what I think is pain, as well. He takes a deep breath before he answers me.

“Hannah, if you are in this with me, then they are my kids too. It doesn’t make a difference if I fathered them or not. They are a part of you and that makes them a part of me. As for the not having any more kids part… That is something we need to talk about.” He pulls me into him even tighter and continues.

“I’ve always wanted to have four kids, and since I’ll already have two, why not go for another two?” I smile at his words and our lips find each other again. I feel more of the missing pieces of my heart go back into place and breathing seems easier.

“I love you, Hannah. I will always love you.” He speaks against my mouth and I take the words and swallow them. They land right in my soul, warming me all over.

“I love you, Grant.” He pulls away from me and looks at me with such elation.

“Say it again,” he whispers.

“I love you.”

“It’s like music to my ears.” He picks me up and spins us around. Three small words have changed us. They are just words, but when we say them to each other it means more somehow. Like we have the keys to each other’s souls and we are opening them up. We are both vulnerable to each other. The moment is perfect. When he puts me down we grin at each other. I may be happy, but I want him to know how serious I am about taking this leap with him.

“Grant this isn’t fixed one hundred percent, yet. I don’t want you thinking that everything will go back to the way it was.” The blue oasis of his eyes seem sad and I notice that they are still glassy.

“I don’t want them to go back to the way they were. I want things to be different. I know you don’t trust me yet, and I need to work on that. We need to work on us, but we will get there babe. I know we will.” He leans down and places his lips gently over mine. I missed those lips on me.

We reach for each other’s hands at the same time and link them so our souls are touching, then make our way back into the hospital.