Letting Go of Us (Anchored Hearts Vol. 3) (14 page)

James was resting his head
on the wall behind him when I glanced over at him. His eyes were
closed and I couldn’t help but scan my eyes over him. His arms were
crossed over his chest and his legs stretched out in front of him.
His polo was unbuttoned just enough to glance the muscles of his
neck and the sleeves barely contained his biceps. My eyes traveled
to the buckle of his jeans and then lingered on his package. The
jeans were fitted on his muscled thighs as I pictured tugging them
off of him.

I sensed the movement in
his upper body and my eyes landed on his staring back at me.
Busted!
I looked away
and dropped my head back to my pillow. No one would argue that he
was a fine fucking specimen.

“
Nice to see some color
back in your cheeks.” I could tell by his tone that he had that
fucking sexy as hell smirk on his face. There was no need to look
at him and confirm it.

“
Shut your
face.”

“
Yup, definitely feeling
better.” I just shook my head as the corners of my mouth turned
up.

I must’ve dozed off because
he woke me to let me know they were releasing me. He confirmed with
the doctor that he’d keep an eye on me and get me to rest. The
doctor wanted me to take a day or two off work, yada, yada, yada.
They could try, but I had shit to do.

We pulled into a pharmacy
parking lot on the way home. He ran in and said he’d be right back.
A few minutes later he came back with a bag full of goodies. He
handed it to me and it was full of every possible flu medication
you could think of.

“
You’re lucky they didn’t
arrest you with all the meds in here.”

“
They tried!” We chuckled
at that.

I walked in the front door,
not expecting him to stay. “James, I’m fine. You can go
home.”

“
Nope, not a
chance.”

Sighing, “What are you
trying to prove?”

He mimicked my sigh and
said, “That I care, Cassidy.”

He grabbed the bag of meds
from me and encouraged me to go to bed. I walked up the stairs and
asked him to feed Chessa and he assured me he would. My body ached
so badly that I couldn’t remove my clothes without cringing. I
plopped down on the side of my bed and just sat there. Apparently I
sat there for longer than I thought because his voice was the next
thing I remembered.

“
Why aren’t you in
bed?”

“
Everything hurts and I’m
stuck.” I turned to show him that I had one arm in and one out of
my shirt and I hadn’t even attempted to remove my jeans. I looked
to him and he was trying to contain his laughter. “Don’t you laugh
at me! You’ll be lucky if you don’t get sick, too.”

“
Is this what you want to
wear?” He held up a shirt, not sure if he knew it was his, and a
pair of pajama pants. I just nodded. “Alright. Let’s get you
changed.”

“
I, no, I
can’t.”

“
Cassidy, I’ve seen it all
before.”

“
It’s not
that.”

“
Then what is it?” I sat
there, staring at him as another wave of nausea hit me and I closed
my eyes. “Come on.”

His hands were tender as he
removed all my clothes, everything but my underwear. I was shaking
as he pulled the shirt over my head and down my body. Stepping into
my pajama pants, his hands lingered on my waist a little longer
than necessary, or I imagined it. Pulling back the covers, he had
me lay down.

“
I’m going to go get you
some broth and medicine. I’ll be right back.”

I watched as he left the
room. My body began shaking terribly. I was so cold. How I wished
at that moment that I had an electric blanket. I must’ve dozed off
because I woke to him saying my name.

“
Here, take this.” I
swallowed the vile liquid and dropped my head back to the pillow.
“I have some warm broth here if you want it.” I took a few sips
before setting it back down. “Do you need anything
else?”

I was still freezing and
broke down and asked, “I’m sorry, I know it’s awkward and I
wouldn’t normally ask…”

“
What is it
Cassidy?”

“
I’m freezing. Can you
find some blankets or…”

“
Or what?”

“
Hold me, just until I
warm up?”

He didn’t say anything,
just nodded, turned off the light and started undressing. The room
was cast in darkness as I listened to him disrobe. I heard his
shoes hit the floor, followed by the buckle of his belt. I felt his
weight on what had been his side of the bed as he climbed under the
covers and moved closer.

“
Front or
back?”

I knew exactly what he was
asking. My front to his front or my back to his front. He asked it
most nights when we were in bed, when we were still together.
“Back.” I rolled to my side as he moved in closer. I could already
feel the heat of him surround me. He was a damn furnace.

“
You’re still shaking.” He
wrapped his arms around me and tucked me back against him. The only
thing that separated us were the damn separation papers and my
pajamas. “Dammit.” His hand grazed my hip as he adjusted
himself.

“
Can’t you keep him under
control?” I snickered, but couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was back
in my James cocoon and felt myself drifting off as the chills
finally started to calm.

“
Not around you. You
should know that by now.” His words were quiet as he wrapped his
arm back around me.

C
hapter
9
~
I
lluminated

~ JAMES ~

She was shaking from head
to toe as I pulled her close. My cock reacted to her closeness
immediately. She was lucky she was dressed, though helping her
change her clothes just about did me in. I had to pry my hands off
of her hips before I took advantage of her. When she asked me to
hold her, I knew what she needed before she had asked. I just
wanted to hear her say the words.

I hated seeing her like
that. She was sick and hurting and if I could help in any way I was
going to. Her shaking slowly subsided as her breathing slowed and
evened out. She was asleep and I soon followed.

When I woke, we were still
on our sides, but she was facing me. Her face was so close to mine
that it was torture. The moonlight was shining into the room and
illuminated her face. She was so beautiful and I was a fucking
idiot. I leaned in and ran my nose up hers and kissed her forehead.
She started to stir and I panicked. Closing my eyes, I feigned
sleep, just as her eyes were beginning to open.

She inhaled sharply and I
felt her pull away slightly as her body stiffened under my arm that
was still wrapped around her. A moment later she relaxed and moved
her hand to my chest. Soon I felt her fingertips barely touch my
face as they trailed down the scar of my left eye and then over my
cheek.

“
I’m so sorry I hurt you.
I never meant to hurt you.” I debated about waking and begging for
forgiveness, knowing I had hurt her too. “Now, now even if you
wanted to, you probably wouldn’t take me back. I missed you, miss
you still, so much.”

Why did she think I
wouldn’t take her back? Before I could ponder it further she
continued talking. I should have stopped her, but didn’t. I wanted
to know her secrets more than I wanted anything in the world,
except maybe her.

“
I’ve hurt you, Paul,
myself and for what?” She sighed. “My baby,” she stroked my chest,
“our baby.” I heard her sniffle and wondered if she was crying as
my own heart constricted. “God is punishing me.” I couldn’t take it
anymore.

“
Cassidy, nobody is
punishing you.” She jumped out of my arms as her eyes scanned my
face.

“
How much did you
hear?”

I tried to pull her closer,
“Enough. The miscarriage isn’t your fault.” I pulled her back into
my arms as she cried.

“
I wanted our baby, so
much.”

Her words opened my own
floodgates as I felt the tears fall from my eyes. “I wanted our
baby, too. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I should’ve stayed and
fought for you, for our baby. I’ll never forgive myself for that.
Instead, I ran.”

Her sobs continued as she
croaked out, “It’s not your fault. The doctor said there was
nothing that could’ve been done.”

“
See. You’re not to blame
either.” I tilted her chin so that I could see her face. I wanted
to kiss her desperately, but stopped myself. It wasn’t what either
of us needed. She tucked herself in closer, her head under my chin,
and I rubbed my hands over her back and through her hair. “There
are so many things I wish I could change for you, for
us.”

“
Me too.”

Several minutes later I
stroked her face. “Cassidy?”

“
Hmm.” She was dozing off
again.

“
Nothing. Get some
rest.”

Groggily she inquired,
“Where did you go?” I knew she was referring to the day I left her
and Paul at the hospital. She had the right to know and I was
planning on telling her. She started shaking again.

Placing my hand on her
head, her fever was back. “You’re burning up again. Hang on.” I got
up and got her some more meds and took them to her. “Here.” She
downed the meds and laid back down. “We have a lot to talk about.
Right now you need rest.”

She was already breathing
softly when I crawled in next to her. I grabbed my shirt and threw
it on real quick before settling in next to her. As she slept in my
arms I recalled the conversation I’d had with Jane the previous
evening.

She had come over after
Cal was called in to work and laid in to me about everything. She
told me that they’d recently had dinner with Cassidy and that she
was a wreck. She wouldn’t divulge any details about Paul, maybe
because she didn’t have any. The words from Jane that hurt me the
most were when she confided in me about her own miscarriage. I had
no idea she’d been pregnant and what Derek had done to
her.

“
I sat and talked to her
for hours when she found out, James. She was scared and elated at
the same time. She wanted that baby.” I just sat and listened as
Jane disclosed more to me. “She’s put up a huge wall since the
miscarriage. You need to break it down.”

“
I want to, Jane, but I
don’t know if I can.”

“
Man up! She’s your wife
and I know you love her. Prove it.”

“
How?”

“
I don’t know. Just
because you and I don’t like grand gestures, maybe Cassidy does!” I
had plans for the Blue Horse but kept that to myself. “Go big or go
home cousin! The only question is do you want to make it work with
her?”

“
I do.”

“
Forever?”

Smiling, “Of course. She’s
it for me.”

“
Does she know
that?”

“
Ok, ok. I get it.
Christ.”

She walked over and hugged
me. “I should go. Call me if you need any ideas or
help!”

“
Will do.”

“
I love you,
James.”

“
I love you too, meddling
woman. You’re as bad as your mother.” She smacked my arm as we both
laughed.

“
Just remember. Men like
to feel wanted, women need to feel wanted.”

“
Get out!” I lovingly
shoved her out the door as she smirked and walked down the
hall.

~ PAUL ~

I knew she’d asked for
space, but I had to talk to her. I drove by her place and saw his
vehicle parked in the drive. First I felt sadness, then anger and
it was the anger that took over. The only thing stopping me from
smashing in his windshield was the security detail parked out
front. Had she been playing us both? No, that wasn’t like her. Was
it? I knew she’d never intentionally hurt anyone.

Of course, I knew better
than most what a devious woman was capable of. I just didn’t want
to believe that Cassidy was one of them. I drove around aimlessly
before I ended up at the club. Sex, drugs and alcohol sounded good
and were just the fix I needed. If a woman—or two—ended up under
me, even better.

~ CASSIDY ~

When I woke up, I felt
significantly better. Though my throat ached and I wasn’t sure if
it was from the crying or the sickness. He wasn’t next to me and
when I looked to the clock, I saw that half the morning was gone.
He’d probably left hours ago, declarations that we needed to talk
long forgotten. Pulling myself from the bed, I headed to the
bathroom and turned the shower on. I needed the heat and steam to
cure my aching bones.

I stood in the shower and
went over the previous night’s events in my head. He’d taken care
of me, confessed his emotions about the baby, but not about me. I
didn’t know what to think or what to do. After several minutes with
the hot water branding my body, I washed, shampooed and rinsed
before getting out. Wrapping myself up in my robe, I walked into my
bedroom to find a steaming cup of coffee on the dresser with a
note.