Letting You Know (7 page)

Her
fingers pressed the keys, testing the notes, exciting me before she'd
even begun playing the actual song.

Bethany
hesitated, squinting at the paper. Then, her fingers began to dance,
calling the music to life so suddenly it made me shiver.

The
melody was haunting, strange when compared to what I knew from memory
was the original song. This version I'd crafted, brought forth by the
girl who drew me in day by day, was drastically more somber.

Her
eyes met mine, I knew she wanted to know what was next. Clearing my
throat, I stood by the piano, waiting for her to start over.

“
Cool
sorrow,” I started, crooning the words softly in my throat. I
felt her eyes on me, her attention encouraging me to push myself for
the best performance I could. Inside, I was aware this was just a
sample; just a demo to show her the flow.

Yet,
knowing she was so aware of me...

This
is what I'm after, I want this.

“
It's
pretty,” she said when I'd finished. “Sort of sad,
though, too. You think this will give us a chance at winning?”

“
Of
course,” I said, knowing I didn't care an ounce if we won or
not anymore. “You're so talented, Bethany. Everyone else might
as well give up now.” Her blush, bright as fresh cherries,
thrilled me.

“
Am
I supposed to sing the chorus?” She asked, shifting in place,
not meeting my eyes.

“
That's
what I thought would work best. If you can play and sing at the same
time, I think together we'll sound amazing.”

Her
glossy lips parted a fragment. “Um, well, I guess we should
give it our all, then.”

Grinning,
I cleared my throat once more, shrugging. “I don't know about
you, but I already am.”

“
Okay,”
she agreed, nodding so that her braid bounced, “then let's do
this.”

The
smile she gave me was bashful, honest.

It
struck me in the heart like nothing had before.

Six
Years Later

The
music must have stopped, I had trouble telling. I was sure I hadn't
sung a single word, yet my mouth hung open, like I'd been ready to.

Something
touched my forearm; Leah. Her eyes were glossy, teeth bright in the
heavy lights of the room. “Did I do alright?” She asked,
whispering with bubbling delight.

I
didn't even listen, I don't know. I don't know how she sounded at
all.
Fighting
off my daze, worried I might be sick any second, I pushed a weak
smile into place. “You were great,” I lied, feeling awful
about how I had zoned out.

Worse,
zoned out thinking about my ex.

My
memories weren't exactly filling me with fond joy. In fact, recalling
how bright my future had seemed with Bethany back then was making my
stomach ache with disgust.

I
don't want to be here right now.

The
pastor spoke again, inviting us all to sit. I was relieved to
collapse; my muscles stiff, sore. A jittery energy was filling me
head to toe. It was as if I had chugged multiple cups of loathsome,
bitter coffee.

What
do I do? I should have thought about this. Of course Bethany would
still be singing here. Why would she ever have left? Especially after
being so wary of leaving this town at all.

That
still galled me, thinking about how she had once wished to take her
talent to bigger places.

Now,
she's just the big fish in this tiny pond.

The
group on stage didn't stir, staying on stage as the pastor rolled
into a sermon. It was impossible for me to look anywhere else but at
her.

Bethany
appeared healthy, her mouth as tight and serious usual. Thick lashes
tickled her cheeks, hiding her blue eyes.

Is
it possible she won't even notice me here?

As
the service progressed, my hope blossomed. It seemed a far dream to
go unseen, it reminded a bitter part of me of the great lengths I had
gone to get her attention in the first place.

“
Now,
let us stand, and rejoice in this song of His birth,” the
pastor instructed.

Together,
the room moved; the sound of cloth shuffling, shoes clicking. But
there was another noise, a brief but loud 'clomp' that came from
beside me.

“
Ah!”
Leah gasped, scrambling to bend down and lift the hymn book she had
dropped. Red, flustered, she ducked her eyes quickly. “Sorry!
Sorry.”

As
if drawn in by that one, erratic sound, Bethany lifted her head and
found me in the crowd. The brightness of her azure orbs was muted
only by the lack of surprise on her face.

She
doesn't seem startled to see me,
I
mused, fighting to keep myself relaxed. Sweat was beading on my neck,
tickling me like spiders as it rolled down to soak my shirt.
That...
that bothers me. Why wouldn't she be shocked?

The
whole room began to sing as one, yet I was focused helplessly on
Bethany. I was reliving everything, singing simultaneously in the
setting of the church. Her voice lilted, rising and falling in tempo
like feathers in the wind.

Why
is this happening, how could I not have avoided this? I'm so stupid,
so so stupid!

I
wanted to run, to do anything except join my voice with this woman. I
hated how perfectly we synced, even now.

Even
after everything.

Then,
beside me, I noticed something. A voice that was off-key, struggling
to keep up, but bustling with real joy to be trying at all.

Looking
over, I found Leah watching me; her cheeks warm, her nose still ruddy
from the winter weather outside. Those brown eyes were alive, excited
by what was going on around her.

She's
enjoying this. She's singing with everyone, with me, and loving it.

She's...
loving it.

Grinning,
caught up in her energy, I tried to match her pitched-down version of
the song, amused by how awful she was at keeping the rhythm. She
wasn't a natural, she might have struggled even with lessons. But
Leah was in the moment and enjoying it for what it was.

I
focused on that, on her, and felt my mood lighten.

The
last notes faded. As they did, she giggled. Covering her mouth, she
asked once more, “did I do alright?”

“
Yes,”
I answered, honestly this time. “You were fantastic, Leah.”

She
beamed, bouncing on her heels, happier than I had seen her allow
herself to be since we'd taken this trip. This was what I had wanted,
to take her to my home town and see her enjoy what I had once loved.

What
I could still love, I realized.

The
rest of the service was a blur. By the end of it, I was able to avoid
looking for Bethany, to see if she was watching me.
I
don't need to have anything to do with her anymore,
I
reminded myself.
She's
part of my past, I don't need to relive it.

The
pastor relieved us all, the room standing as one and beginning the
slow process of trying to exit, while also getting swept into
conversations with friends and family.

“
Come
on,” I said to Leah, aching to get us out of there. “Let's
go wait outside, we'll be getting brunch when my parents are done
chatting.”

“That sounds great,” she said, adjusting her scarf. “I'm
really hungry. Singing is a lot of work.”

I
started to chuckle, eager to escape the sea of faces, to be alone
with Leah if just to give her a hug in private. Then that voice came,
crisp as water, chiming to warn me of many things at once.

“
Deacon,”
Bethany said from beside me. “Wow, it's been a while, hasn't
it?”

The
ripple of anxiety ran up my body, I was sure Leah could see it
contort my face. With effort, I turned, finding the blonde standing
in the aisle. She was trapping me in the pew, I had no idea if that
was intentional.

“
I
guess it has, yeah.” My voice was emotionless, I wouldn't
pretend to be happy. I didn't care about appearances right then.

Her
lips spread, the kind of look one gave to someone they were barely
tolerating. “How have you been?”

“
Fine,”
I shrugged, noticing Leah's silence like it was a heavy hand on my
throat.
If
she hasn't guessed who this is by now, well...
Turning,
I gently gripped her shoulder. “This is Leah. Leah, this is
Bethany.”

My
girlfriend straightened under my introduction. “Oh, uh, nice to
meet you.”

Bethany
blinked, tilting her head so that her hair flowed like a soft
waterfall. “Leah? So you brought your girlfriend with you. How
nice.”

How
does she know she's my girlfriend? Who could have told Bethany that?

“
How
do you like this little slice of Kentucky so far, Leah?”
Bethany pressed on.

“
Um,”
Leah mumbled, clearly unsure how to handle this turn of events,
“it's... nice. Very cute.”

“
Cute,”
Bethany repeated, tasting the word. “That's one way of putting
it.”

Just
leave, please. This is awful.

The
world was conspiring against me. “Bethany!” My father
blurted, wandering up in a hurry. “Your singing was wonderful
as ever! How are you, honey?”

“
Oh,
Dylan!” She said cheerfully, leaning in for a quick hug. “Thank
you so much, you're too sweet. I'm doing well, you?”

“
Just
hungry, if truth be told,” he laughed. Turning towards me, he
flicked his eyes between us all rapidly. It was impossible to
understand what he was thinking. “Well, your mother is in the
car, should we go get some brunch?”

“
Yes,”
I said briskly, feeling Leah grab my elbow as I moved around my
father, into the aisle.
Just
get me out of here, please.

“
Bethany,”
he said behind us, pleasant as punch, “we'll be at the usual
Birch Diner if you want to stop by.”

Not
slowing, I hurried through the crowd, just wanting to get to some
fresh air. Even with my speed, I heard her response over my shoulder.