Lie to Me (an OddRocket title) (16 page)

So I let him.

RD took some blankets someone had left stacked up on a shelf and laid them on the ground by the old boat cushions. He took my hand and pulled me down onto the ground beside him.

I let him touch me everywhere. He touched me with his hands and his mouth, always talking to me, telling me I was beautiful, telling me he couldn't believe how amazing it was to be with me. It was way more intense than before, maybe because the water bathed us in a strange, green glow or maybe because every time his skin brushed against mine, I wanted to pull him toward me and I did. I felt reckless and strong. I wasn't as afraid to touch him back and he seemed to like that, stopping to smile at me, whispering in my ear when I did something he liked.

I wished I'd worn something besides my stupid sweats, but he didn't seem to mind. He carefully unzipped my fleece and pulled my sweats off, taking the time to fold them and set them beside my head. I could barely breathe. This time, he didn't leave on any of my clothes. He stripped me bare. There was so much heat between us that I didn't feel cold even though the night air held a chill.

Naked, I lay on the blankets. RD stopped and leaned back on his ankles, his forehead sweaty, and breathe shallow. "Look at you," he said.

I wanted to say something, but I had lost all my words. I couldn't find a single syllable each time I tried to speak. It felt so good to kiss him, to be touched, to have someone tell me I was perfect.

"Cassie, I don't want to stop." RD's voice shook. "I just can't stop touching you." He buried his face in my neck as he moved over me. His shirt was off and I loved feeling my hands on his back. He hadn't taken off his pants, but I could feel him pressing against me and I wanted to disappear into our warmth. He pressed harder. "You feel so good. It's amazing." He stopped moving and stared at me, cupping my face with his hand. "God, you're beautiful and you have no idea."

"We should be careful." I whispered. "I've never... I've never done this." I knew about sex. I just wasn't sure we were going to have sex. I didn't really know what I wanted. I just craved that heat and that light I felt being next to him. I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted to do whatever he needed. I wanted to keep him right there, shining above me.

With one hand, he reached above me and his eyes never left my face. I heard the sound of him unwrapping something. A condom. A crinkle in the darkness. I looked away, embarrassed.

"I'll be slow," he said, and I think I nodded. I don't remember saying "yes" or "no."

But slow still hurt. It had felt so good to be next to him, but as he pushed into me, I swear it felt like he wasn't supposed to be near me at all. Was sex supposed to hurt this much? I wanted to ask, but I was too scared to say anything.

"You okay?" he whispered. I could feel myself opening up to let him in and it felt like something was tearing. This did not feel good at all.

"Uh huh." I couldn't really speak; it felt so awful. And RD looked so needy and happy as he gazed at me and kissed my face and forehead. I tried to be brave, but my eyes teared up, so I just shut them tight. I didn't want to cry. I wasn't supposed to cry. And he moaned as he pushed into me and, suddenly, I realized that this was it. Sex. He was inside of me. I could feel him and it felt awkward and painful all at the same time, but I could tell he liked it.

"Is this right?" I managed to breathe. "Am I doing this right?"

"Oh, yes. It's perfect." He kissed my forehead, my cheeks. "It's perfect. You're perfect, Cassandra. So perfect." Even though it hurt, I wanted to hear this. I wanted to be perfect.

So, this was sex. The great mystery. The thing that everyone whispered about. Lying on that wooden dock on a musty pile of blankets with RD, moving inside of that searing pain and me, I was having sex. This was what all those people did together? I wanted this, didn't I? This was what RD wanted, so I would do this. I would let him show me what I needed to do to make him happy, to give him what he wanted. Then why did I feel like my body was no longer mine?

"Are you okay?" he whispered. His voice so low, he sounded strained.

"Uh huh." I couldn't manage more than that.

"You are so good." With every word, his voice grew stronger and I felt him push against me harder and faster. Then he shuddered and stopped moving. I felt his weight press into me and I tasted the salt from our bodies on my lips.

We'd just had sex. Oh, my God. I felt like I couldn't breathe. What had I done? I could get pregnant. What if something had gone wrong? RD kissed my eyes, my forehead and my face again and again as I started to cry. My pulse throbbed between my legs.

"Are you okay?" He moved which made me wince.

"I'm okay. I'm okay," I said, but I wasn't okay. "Were we safe?" I had heard him open something, but I hadn't touched him, didn't know for sure. What was wrong with me? I should have checked to make sure.

"I was safe. You wanted this, right? Are you okay?"

I nodded.

"I couldn't stop. I just couldn't." He slowly moved away from me and I could feel him slide out. It was such an odd sensation. I looked over at him naked. His eyes closed, he had this smile on his face. He looked so happy and I couldn't believe that I'd done this. I'd made him feel this way. He rolled over and pulled my head onto his shoulder. "Do you hurt?"

"A little," I whispered.

"I'm sorry." RD pulled one of the blankets over us and I tried to stop crying. I'd thought it would feel different, that making love to someone felt like two people becoming one. Mom had told me that during the "talk." Making love might be something else, I thought. Sex hurt. "Was I all right?" I asked.

"You were more than all right. You were amazing and it was just impossible to stop. I needed you so much."

"I know." I did one of those horrible, gasping hiccups.

RD held me even tighter. "You're okay. It's all okay."

"No, it's not," I stammered. "I don't know what I'm doing." I looked at him. "My mom is so sick, RD. I have no friends and the only one who understands me is you. You're the only one who listens to me. Promise me you'll never leave me. Promise me."

RD turned my face so our noses almost touched. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

And we just looked at each other like that for a moment. I looked right into his blue eyes, wondering how this had happened. A few weeks ago, my whole life had belonged to someone else.

"Now, let’s get you home before I get you grounded," RD said, kissing me before we put on our clothes. "So, this happened and it's okay. It just means we need to be more careful now."

He held my hand as we walked up the pathway through the Forgotten Woods. "You okay?" He took me by the shoulders and looked right at me. "Are you cold?"

"No. I don't know. Maybe. It was cold in the boathouse." I hurt and I didn't know what I felt. Suddenly, I wished I hadn't left my bedroom. I wished I'd just kissed RD, nothing more. We should have stopped before he took my clothes off, because now we had even more to worry about. I knew the law. I was too young for him. But I'd started this. It was my fault I was out here, wasn't it? No one had made me sneak out in the middle of the night.

"If you need to talk to anyone, call me, okay? Don't call anyone but me."

"I'm fine. I promise."

"If I don't answer, it just means I'm somewhere I can't talk, okay?"

I nodded.

"What we just did back there, Cassie, it was amazing, and I wish I could tell the world about you. About the way you make me feel, about how it feels to be with you." RD's voice changed and he sounded serious. "About how it feels to love a girl like you." He kissed my forehead.

RD loved me? Had he really just said he loved me? He kissed me again on the lips and something about the warmth of his arms made me calm. It was okay, wasn't it? So, I'd had sex. Secret sex. Big deal. So had half the girls in my high school. At least I'd done it with a guy who thought I was beautiful and amazing. I'd had sex with someone who loved me, not a guy who wore black concert t-shirts and broke out because he never washed his face.

I opened the front door and closed it behind me, stopping for a moment to listen to the sounds of our house. RD loved me. I'd had sex and RD loved me. I almost stepped on Addie when I turned to go up the stairs.

"Where were you?" Addie sniffed. "You're not supposed to go out."

My heart felt like a drumbeat in my chest. "I went for a walk."

"Cassie? Addie?" Aunt Lucy called downstairs. I froze. She must have come home while I was out. Why hadn’t I checked the garage? "Are you girls up?"

Addie jumped up.

"Just getting a glass of water," I called as Addie leaned into me. I stroked her wild curls with shaking hands. What had just happened?

"Next time, take me with you. You never let me go anywhere with you."

"I just went for a walk."

"Promise me next time I go, too, or I'll tell Aunt Lucy, and no more lies. Promise." Addie talked to her hands, avoiding my face. I felt so guilty I reached out and touched the top of her head.

"I promise Addie, I do."

"Good. Can I sleep in your room tonight?" Addie asked.

"Yes," I said, taking her hand. Aunt Lucy stood at the top of the stairs. She had on Mom's blue, terrycloth robe.

"That's Mom's," Addie said, holding my hand even tighter.

"She's letting me borrow it." Aunt Lucy pulled at her belt as if it weren't tight enough. "I thought you girls were in bed."

"I was," I started to say, hoping she didn't notice my sweats.

"Cassie got me a drink of water. I was scared to go downstairs by myself," Addie said. Amazing. My little sister came up with an alibi like a pro. Aunt Lucy studied our faces; I held my breath.

"Well, goodnight then." Aunt Lucy went back into her bedroom. She was probably too tired to notice my clothes. Besides, she wasn't a mom. She didn't have radar. Addie and I went into my room and closed the door. She jumped right into my lavender double bed and pulled the covers up under her chin.

"'Night, Cassie." She closed her eyes while I took off my sweats and changed into pajamas. I took the clothes I'd worn in the boathouse and stuffed them in the back of my closet.

"You know," Addie said sleepily. "You should make less noise when you sneak out. I heard you."

I froze.

"If you're not careful, you'll get caught and then you'll be in big trouble." She yawned.

"You heard me? When?" Had Addie seen me outside with RD? Had she followed me? Did she know what I'd done in the boathouse?

"I heard you walk up the porch," she said. "You stomp."

The porch. She'd heard me coming back inside. I was alone on the porch. She'd only been up for a few minutes. This was getting way too stressful.

"'Night, Cassie."

"'Night, Addie-day." When I climbed into bed, Addie breathed evenly with sleep. I wrestled some covers away from her and closed my eyes. My mind kept taking me back to RD. I saw the ceiling rafters in the boathouse and the silhouette of the single, un-lit light bulb swaying against the window. I heard the sound of waves washing against the dock mixing with RD's breathing and the rustle of us moving in the darkness.

I floated above us in my mind's eye, looking down as if these things were happening to someone else. This was someone else's story. I silently cried as I remembered the feel of RD's breath against my neck, his lips on my face and his hands holding my arms as he moved inside of me. It all seemed like a dream. I felt like it wasn't me. If you asked me today, I'd say I wasn't even there.

I woke up to Addie poking my shoulder with her finger. "Cassie. Cassie. Cassie."

"What?" I rolled over and looked at the clock. Ten o’clock. “What?” I jumped out of bed, yanking clothes out of my laundry pile. "I was supposed to be at work at nine! Why didn't you wake me up?"

Addie rolled her eyes. She stood beside my bed like a stalker. "You don't have to work today. Mariah gave you the day off because everybody feels sorry for us. Aunt Lucy wants you to take me to the Butterfly House."

I jumped up and down, pulling on jeans, my pajama top still on. "Nobody feels sorry for us," I said.

"They do, too, 'cause Mom's so sick and if she dies we'll be alone."

How could Addie just state the truth without choking?

And then I remembered the night before. Mom's broken glass on the kitchen floor. Aunt Lucy telling us about the allergic reaction. Sneaking out into the night with RD. My knees buckled and I hit the edge of the bed before I fell. I'd had sex with RD. Oh, my God. I'd had sex. In the back of my closet, my sweats from last night were balled up, crammed in the back like evidence of a crime. But it wasn't a crime, was it? I still had the note from RD after we’d kissed, was that safe to keep? "We should hurry since the butterflies nap later in the day,” Addie said.

"I don't think I'm up for the Butterfly House." I walked into the bathroom. Addie followed.

"Cassie! You have to. It will be fun. Aunt Lucy says Mom'll be home by the time we're back."

I wondered what that meant. When Mom came home, would she be herself again or would she have disappeared even more? My sister stood next to me as I brushed my teeth. Her curly, red hair was pulled back in two perfect French braids. I wondered if Aunt Lucy had done Addie’s hair while she watched cartoons just like Mom. My stomach tightened thinking of Aunt Lucy making breakfast for Addie and braiding her hair. She was slowly taking over Mom’s world. Maybe I needed to pay a little more attention to my sister.

I spit.

"Fine. Get dressed. And I'll go," I said.

Addie’s face lit up. “Okay, I’ll be super fast. Super duper.” Her feet thundered on the hardwood as she ran down the hall.

I went back into my room and took RD's note from my jewelry box, reading it for the hundredth time. His words calmed me, reminding me of how good it felt to be with him, erasing some of my confusion about what had happened in the boathouse. "You make the stars shine brighter." My body felt warm thinking about how he'd looked at me in the woods the first night we’d kissed. But we’d crossed a line, a voice inside me whispered. We'd crossed a line and now the note felt more like evidence than a keepsake. I had no choice. I ripped it into pieces and threw the scraps into the wastebasket by my desk. I wasn't going to make any stupid mistakes.