Life Begins (5 page)

Chapter 5

              Marisol hugged her tight the moment she walked through the door. “I’m so glad you made it,
chica
. You don’t know how worried I’ve been about you.”

              Josie returned the hug awkwardly. “I told you I would try to make it. You act like I disappeared off the face of the planet.”

              Marisol held her at arm’s length, staring intently at her. “You look stressed.” Anyone would be if they felt the energy coming off of Žarko standing behind her. For whatever reason, he really hated these meetings. So naturally, they had to come in one vehicle so they could leave when he was ready. She hadn’t bothered to argue because she had the opportunity to make to the meeting on time.

              “I’m fine, Marisol. Please don’t start worrying about me.” She finally pulled away to grab the carrier out of Žarko’s hand, since Ljiljiana and Desa insisted on watching Jason for her. She didn’t mind it because her little boy seemed to love the attention of the older girls. They took him downstairs after saying a quick hello to Marisol.

              That seemed to bring Marisol’s attention to the man. “Oh, I didn’t know you came, Mr.…”

              “Knežević.” The way he said it and the sneer on his face spoke volumes about his dislike of Marisol. Josie really wanted to go downstairs with the kids, but felt more uncomfortable with the idea of leaving these particular two alone.

              “Maybe we should head downstairs, Žarko.  We should probably make sure that the kids are all settling in.”

              He didn’t take his eyes off of Marisol once as he and Josie headed to the basement of the church. Josie tried to take a deep breath, but it was no use. She was worked up. “Please stop being a jerk to everyone here. This is still a church.”

              “Tell that to nosey chick.”

              “She’s my friend and she has a right to be concerned about me, especially where you are concerned,” she told him, just as they entered the nursery. She handed baby Jane over to the sitter and then followed Žarko into the main room where a circle of chairs waited for the beginning of the meeting.

              “That is not her problem.”

              She turned to him. “Of course that’s her problem. Anyone can tell that you are an intense person. You’re going to eat me alive by the time this is all over. I really think that you will be my greatest mistake. I don’t think that I will ever recover from dealing with you, and yet, I don’t even know why I can’t stop myself from trying.”

              He shrugged. “I suppose it depends on how you look at it.”

              Josie took her normal seat, Žarko taking the one beside her. She watched as others walked into the room, people that she had gotten to know in the last two months since joining her divorced single parents group. It didn’t take her long to notice how well the man at her side intimidated everyone and yet, he never stopped her from talking to whomever she wanted to hold a conversation with. At one point, she had even gone to talk close to Marisol. Not once did she feel uncomfortable.

              Then, when the meeting started, she settled back, allowing her mind to calm of all the worries and frustrations she’d been holding. For the first time since she started this whole journey, her body didn’t hurt. Her feet felt comfortable, she didn’t fight with Jason about getting ready to go to daycare. She spent the whole day cuddling her cute daughter, and yes, it might have also been spent dealing with the highhandedness of Žarko and his never ending need to have things his way, but considering he would be returning to work tomorrow, she had hope that life would finally get back to some semblance of normal. She would just think of her job as being a nanny to his daughters.

              When it came time for her to share her feelings over the past few weeks, she finally let it be said. “I’m still having a hard time adjusting and I’m pretty sure that I’m making many mistakes, but I don’t know. I’m trying to have hope for the future. I think that the hardest thing for me is getting used to the fact that I’m not still married. I just enjoyed it, maybe too much.”

              It was hard not to look at Žarko beside her. Yes, she had pretty much said nearly everything he’d told her, but she also knew that he’d been honest. She did like being home with her family and taking on the challenge of cooking had been something that she missed, because she’d always loved making everything from scratch. Sure, she still wasn’t married, but she hoped that someday, she actually did find someone to spend the rest of her life with.

              “But that’s why we need acceptance of our current circumstances,” Marisol said. “You’re not married. Perhaps you never will be again, so you have to learn how to be okay with that, for the sake of your children.”

              “But that does not mean that I don’t have to miss it,” Josie said in her own defense. “I know that I’m not married. I know that I’m not really dating. I know that I have to take care of my family, but it doesn’t mean that I can’t accept that this is difficult for me. My only working experience has been being a mother and a housewife. That’s really all I wanted to be. So yes, sometimes I feel like it’s unfair to have my life be different.”

              She shifted uncomfortably, her crossed legs bumping against Žarko. It was funny that in a roomful of people that she could rely on and bond with, she chose the least likely of individuals. Maybe it was because he offered her something that no one else here did, hope.

              “It is not fair to be upset with someone who has never worked,” Žarko said in her defense. “Everyone here had job previously and have continued to work. Children have less adjustment because already in school and daycare”. He probably could have mentioned how no one in the room had been left while pregnant with their daughter, but he didn’t actually know that about her and so she kept quiet.

              “I suppose that’s true,” Marisol said, “but at the same time, she has a job now and a place for her kids. We all had to make the adjustment and one of the best ways of doing it is to stop glorifying what used to be.”

              “So she should not seek another marriage because this one has ended? She has babies, not school kids, not teenagers.” Josie knew that was a direct jab at most if not all the people in the room. She knew for a fact that some of the men in the group weren’t direct caregivers to their children, but they came to the group looking for women who were, in order to take advantage of them. It had caused more than one young mother to leave the group. Some had even warned her about joining.

              But, she hadn’t thought that it would make a difference because she knew that she needed the support. None of her friends had ever been married, so she lost them. No one other than these people had children in her circle, so she had no one she could ask about being a single mother. She didn’t want to join the single mother’s group because most of those girls had never been married, so it wasn’t the same circumstances. It amazed her how much she allowed herself to defend Žarko, simply because he allowed her to do what she wanted.

              She had no idea how the rest of the conversation ended, but one thing she knew for sure, no else had a word to say about her feelings and life choices. She tuned back in long enough to have Žarko deflect his discussion about his own life. And for some reason, everyone else seemed to have little to say, which allowed the leaders to go into their talk and discussion questions.

              Josie didn’t feel the need to comment on what it meant to be triumphant as a single person. She didn’t really feel victorious. She felt tired and shaky, like she was trying to fool herself and others. Maybe Žarko was right, she wasn’t someone meant to be independent. But then, in a world like this, someone like her had to be really careful about everything. She didn’t want to fall back into a bad relationship with another man.

              Like the last time, Žarko decided when it was time for them to leave. This time she had prepared for it and had made sure that Jane finished her feeding before he was ready. Jason had already gone to sleep and lay in the pack in play in the corner, while the girls played a game of Old Maid. As she and Žarko had the only children, the moment she went to feed Jane, she sent the young woman home after giving her a tip for a job well done.

              Then, when Žarko entered the nursery area, his girls quietly put on their coats and other winter wear. Josie finished putting Jane in her baby bunting and then strapped her into her seat while he dealt with her son. Žarko moved fast, but that was something that she learned to expect and learned not to allow it to worry her. Instead, she set her concentration to the next day, when she would have to start taking the girls to school and setting up an organized schedule that wouldn’t drive her crazy. She was excited about the possibilities.

              Her first morning as a nanny/housewife saw her awake early to a knock on her apartment door from none other than Žarko, asking her if she planned to make breakfast for the girls. She stumbled from her apartment to his, expecting that he would take care of bringing her two since they were sleeping and she was supposed to do all the cooking.

              Both of his girls were awake and getting ready for the day, so Josie thought it best to keep their breakfast simple, yet something that would stick with them. What they ended up with was egg sandwiches, two for Žarko. She then scrambled some eggs for Jason and made instant oatmeal for him to eat. She managed to finish everything just in time for the girls to sit at the table and for their father to come strolling through the door with a yawning toddler and a still sleeping infant.

              Once everyone took a seat, she fixed lunch for the girls to take and ran back to her apartment to take a quick shower and to get dressed. Most likely, she could eat after she got back and then she’d get Jason dressed for the day. Now that she didn’t really have a job other than looking after her kids during the day and then Žarko’s during the afternoon, she could do the things that she really wanted to do. She could now hit the local teacher store up for their educational videos, so that she and Jason could take advantage of his curiosity for learning.

              She felt excited, like she was waking from a bad dream. Jason ate without trouble, even letting her put his coat on him when it was time to leave for the day. The girls were no problems getting ready or dropping off at school. Back home, she bathed her babies, changed their clothing and got them to the store without fuss. She picked up educational videos and coloring books for her son and when they got home, she set him up on the couch with both of them.

              She made lunch for her son and while he ate, she planned what she would make for dinner. She wasn’t quite brave enough to attempt another Serbian dish just yet. She was surprised that she managed what she did last time and feared what failure this time could mean for her when it came to Žarko. Instead, she thought about making chili, something that could last for a week and warm everyone’s insides during this cold winter weather. She even thought it might be nice to split it in half and make a nice vegetarian version.

              She scrounged through her own pantry for the chili making materials. And actually found everything that she would need. She definitely had to send a thank you to God for that one. So, now that she’d made her plan she turned her attention to her own children. She really wanted to spend as much time with them as she could, especially if this life didn’t last for her. She wanted to have the chance to make some really good memories for her and her children.

              Picking up the girls after school took no time and since Ljiljiana had the keys to the apartment, she took that time to carry her food items over from her place to get dinner on. Then, once she didn’t have to pay the food as much attention, she took a look at the girls’ work. She couldn’t do much about the homework that clearly wasn’t written in English, but she really just wanted to make sure that everything had been filled in and all questions were answered. Their father could take care of the rest of the logistics involved in looking at their Serbian answers.

              What she didn’t mind was the girls beginning to teach Jason and Jane some easy words in Serbian. She herself didn’t plan to try it, but if her children learned something useful, then she would take that as a victory. She still had no idea how they would use Serbian in their everyday life, but hey, there was a Serbian school in Chicago and a Serbfest. Learning the language actually could help them while living in the city.

              She fed the girls once the chili was finished and then had a bit of a dilemma. Their father hadn’t returned from work yet, leaving her to make sure that the girls got ready for the night and then made it into bed. It was a surprise to find that Desa’s bedroom had an extra bed, already set up with toddler sheets and that there was a crib set up in Ljiljana’s bedroom for baby Jane.

              “Hey, Ljiljiana? Why are there beds for the babies?” she had to ask.

              “
Tata
says he will be working late sometimes so the
bebe
need a place to stay,” The young girl said on her way out of the bathroom, hair surprisingly cleanly braided down her back. “Come on
beba
,” she said to Jason. “Let’s get into bed.” Then out of the bathroom came Jason, wearing his pull ups and his teeth looking like they were freshly brushed.