Life Is but a Dream (27 page)

The beach is nearly empty. The earlier crowds have evaporated as the sun sinks toward the water. Alec’s head is resting in my lap. He’s facing the ocean, waiting like me. —
I always hoped I’d meet someone like you. Like somebody who really gets me, you know
— he says. —
Before I saw you that day in the common room, I was beginning to wonder if a girl like you even existed.
—

—
I always knew I’d meet you … someday
— I say. —
I’m just glad it wasn’t only in my dream.
— I watch a fleet of oil tankers traveling a straight line on the horizon. In just a little while, they will melt in the sun.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I worry about spies. I worry about being watched and recorded by the crowds walking above our heads. I worry about the static eating away at the city like a swarm of insects that feeds off of concrete and metal. I worry about the noise becoming a weapon that destroys me. I worry that maybe everything I’m thinking and feeling is only taking place inside a computer while the body that used to be mine is back in Burbank becoming best friends with Skylar Atkins and sending text messages to broadcast all of the boring thoughts I have.

I worry about so many things it hardly feels like there’s room enough to keep them all in. But somehow with Alec next to me, I’m able to manage.

—
Your doctor talked to me before I left, did they tell you that?
—

—
Dr. Richards? No, they didn’t
.
Why? What did she say?
— I ask even though I doubt it matters much. Whatever it was she told him was probably a lie.

—
She said I was bad for you
.— He laughs. —
She said that I didn’t understand how serious your condition was. That I encouraged you. Actually, I think the way she put it was that I fed you delusions, whatever that means.
—

—
No. That isn’t true. You just … you believe me, that’s all.
—

—
I know, that’s what I told her
— he says. —
I told her I was the only one helping you and what they were doing was wrong. You should have seen her face! God, now I know why you hated her so much.
—

—
She can’t understand
— I say. —
She’s not like us. She’s not real
.—

—
Well, real or not, she wants to get you away from me as bad as anything
— Alec says. —
But whatever. It’s like you said, we’ll be gone. Let them look for us all they want.
—

Under the waves there is a tunnel. I can’t see it yet, but I know it’s there. It shimmers under the surface. In the sky there are scribbled stick figures of rabbits and spears and twisted tree branches. They are hollering at the static storm behind me. The storm will battle them with lightning but we’ll escape long before that ever happens.

—
No one will ever find us.
—

*   *   *

I’m staring out at the water when I feel Alec shift around. I don’t know how long we’ve been here waiting. I feel time slipping out of focus. I know that means it’s almost time for the world to end.

Alec has his head resting on my knee and his face is turned toward mine now. —
You want to get out of here soon? Or stay for a while longer?
—

The sky behind me lights up with a flash of white light that duplicates the sun. It splits my head with a pain that makes me squint. This is how the storm screams. Louder and closer than before.

I look at Alec, wondering why he would ever suggest leaving when he knows we have to wait right here in this very spot. —
Go?
— The word feels heavy in my mouth, sticking to my tongue like paste.

—
Yeah, why not?
— he says. —
We can’t really go back to my house. I’m sure there’ll be someone waiting for us, either looking for you or looking for me. But we could go to this fish taco place up on Pico. It’s pretty good. I know this guy who works there and I’m sure we could eat for free, or cheap anyway.
—

—
No
.—

There’s a swelling pain behind my eyes that blurs my vision. I try to squint it away. Shaking my head, I mumble —
no
— several times before Alec pays attention.

—
That’s cool. Forget tacos then. Are you hungry? We can get something else. We’re in the city of endless possibilities after all.
— He starts to mention other places to eat—places that have no part in our dream.

—
Why are you saying these things?
—

—
I figure you haven’t eaten all day, that’s all
— he says.

—
I don’t need food
.—

—
Okay. It was just an idea. We don’t have to get something to eat
— he says. —
We could do something else.
—

—
We can’t leave! We’re supposed to be watching the sky.
— My voice comes out rushed and frightened. I’m shouting at him even though I’m not trying to and don’t want to. It’s just happening. —
We have to stay right here! It’s going to change soon and we have to be here for it! You know that!
—

Alec pushes himself up. I’m shivering now. He thinks it’s because I’m cold and wraps both arms around me. I can feel his heart beating nervously against my shoulder blades. When I glance at him, I see that he’s looking at me strange—like he’s afraid. And I wonder why he’s scared when I’ve told him how perfect it is going to be for us in our heaven.

I start to shake more violently and Alec rubs his hand up and down along my spine. —
Hey, it’s okay
— he says softly. —
If that’s what you want to do, we can stay here.
—

I take a deep breath. I start to count the seconds in my head until I stop shaking and then I nod. —
It’s not going to take long
— I tell him. —
We just have to wait a little longer
.—

—
Sure … whatever. We can wait all night if you want
— he tells me, but he doesn’t sound like his usual self when he says it.

I keep count in my head, trying to make time speed up. I squint at the sun, hoping to make it sink faster but it doesn’t budge. Nothing is working anymore. Nothing is going the way I pictured. And then, when the noise beeps so near me that I feel it vibrate, I can’t hold it back anymore and I scream.

—
It’s okay. It’s okay
— Alec says, digging in the pocket of his jeans. —
It’s just my phone.
—

I watch as he stares at the screen—my heart ticking toward an explosion. I think of Thomas on the lawn behind the school. I wonder if Alec is going to film me—if he’s here only to capture heaven the second it appears and erase all of the magic from it. But … no—Alec isn’t Thomas. I have to remember these things. I squeeze the stone in my pocket until it hurts because the pain will help me to remember.

—
It’s my dad
— Alec groans. —
I let it go to message. He’s probably just freaking out, but what else is new. He went far out on a limb to get me that home-care deal. If they find out I left, they’ll send me to juvy for sure. I imagine he had a coronary when he got home and saw that I wasn’t there.
—

He’s holding the phone in his palm as if it’s always been there—as if it belongs. When he looks up at me, he notices I’m staring at it. —
You … didn’t have one of those before
— I say accusingly. —
Where did you get that? Did somebody give it to you? Why do you have it? What are you going to do with it?
—

—
It’s just a phone, Sabrina
— he says, making it sound harmless. —
It’s not a gun … I’m not going to do anything with it.
—

—
But you never said you had one
— I say.

—
This is L.A.… everyone has one
— he says. —
I didn’t have it at the hospital because we weren’t allowed. You want to tell me what’s going on? You’re acting weird … did I do something?
—

He stands up and brushes the sand from his jeans. He turns his pockets inside out—shakes the last of the sand from his hair. As it rains to the ground, the lights on the pier catch Alec’s hair and his hair is visible. It doesn’t look bleached. It looks dark and there are dark shadows around his eyes. His tongue moves funny in his mouth like Thomas’s tongue on my neck.

I scoot away a few feet in fear.

There is a whisper coming off the waves.

It says —
Alec is bad
.—

He wants me to get up and walk around. He tries to take my hand, but I shove them both deeper in my pockets. —
You’re freezing
— he says. —
Let’s get warm, okay? Come on, before the tide washes us away.
— He shuffles his feet in place, pretending to run. —
Up, soldier. Let’s march.
—

—
Who are you? Where is Alec?
—

—
What are you talking about?
— He laughs again, but nervously like I’ve figured something out. Then his expression changes and I think I see him. I think I see my Alec as he leans closer. —
Sabrina, is something wrong? Just tell me what it is.
—

The last rays of the sunset crawl over the waves and shine on his face. In that one fragment of an instant, I swear that I see it—the small spark of static crackling in the center of his eyes.

—
You’re … you’re not him, are you?
— I crawl backward over the sand as he tries to get closer. He looks like Alec and sounds like him, but it’s not Alec. They let this Alec out of the hospital to trap me. This Alec is bad, that is what the waves are telling me, shouting it actually. —
Stay away from me
— I warn him.

—
What? You’re kidding, right? This is a joke?
— He reaches toward me and wraps his fingers around my wrist. When he pulls my hand from my pocket, my palm is bleeding from where I’ve been squeezing the stone too tight. —
Jesus! What happened? Are you all right?
—

—
Stay away. I don’t know who you are, but I want you to stay away.
—

—
Okay … just calm down.
—

—
No! I won’t … not until you go
— I yell. —
I want Alec back. I want him now.
—

He stares at me with vacant eyes—eyes that look as if they could never have understood anything I told them. —
Sabrina … I think … maybe I need to call someone
— he says. —
It’s going to be okay. I’m just … I’m going to call my dad, alright?
—

He takes out his phone again and I wait for the right moment.

As soon as he starts to dial, I lunge for it. My hands seize the phone and take it away from him. Before he can stop me, I throw it as far as I can into the water—then I run.

*   *   *

—
Sabrina! Stop! Let me help you
— Alec shouts as he chases me over the sand. The sun has gone under the water, but there is no hole in the center of the ocean. There is no safe place for me to watch the world end.

—
This isn’t how it’s supposed to happen
— I say, sucking on the sleeve of my shirt and searching desperately for stones that resemble fallen stars. There is only a screaming that soars through the landscape as the world spins out of control. —
It’s not supposed to be like this!
—

He catches up with me. His arms trap my waist and we both fall in the sand. —
What’s wrong? Just tell me.
—

—
Everything is wrong
— I scream at him. —
Everything we talked about.
—

—
What do you mean? This is exactly what we talked about … we’re free. We can go anywhere, do anything. That was the whole point. It’s everything we said we wanted.
—

I hear voices in the sky—they are laughing.

—
This isn’t what we talked about at all!
—

Alec tries to kiss me but I turn away. —
Hey … it’s okay
— he says calmly, but I cover my ears.

I feel myself breaking into a million pieces as I begin to cry.

—
I did everything I was supposed to
— I tell him. —
I stopped taking the medicine. I found you. I came here just like we planned. And you said you believed me. You said you saw it too. Why did you lie to me?
—

—
I didn’t lie to you
— he swears, trying to smooth my hair from my face but I keep turning away from his touch. —
I meant everything I said. But I meant it in an idea sort of way, you know? Like a way to think about things. That’s what you meant too, isn’t it?
—

—
No
— I whisper. —
It’s not what I meant at all.
—

There is a breeze rushing offshore—as warm as a thousand suns.

The sky is changing colors as fast as blinking lights and I know it is time. I also know he isn’t coming with me. If I go, I’ll be alone and I don’t know what to do. Even the pen markings on my wrist begin to fade—only the grin remains of what once looked like a cat.

It occurs to me that I could stay.

I could let myself fall asleep and be like everybody else. All I’d need to do is let the static come inside. It would be as easy as anything. Maybe I’d even be happy. But I could never do that—somewhere deep inside I would know my life wasn’t real.

I see the static gather in the sky. The birds are killed. They fall from the air as the sun is blocked out and slowly dissolves the way metal crumbles into rust.

I squirm out from under Alec. He stumbles to stand as I walk toward the waves. I unzip my sweatshirt and slip my arms from the sleeves, letting it fall to the sand. Alec stoops down to grab it, drapes it over his arm, and then hurries to close the gap between us. He stops again to collect the blue jeans that fall from my waist as easily as water. I hear him shouting my name but it’s barely distinguishable from the rising noise.

He doesn’t stop for my shirt.