Life of the Party (47 page)

When I awoke
the next morning, my first thought was of heroin. The depth that I
longed for it actually kind of scared me. Logically, the sheer
intensity of my craving should’ve been enough to keep me from ever
doing it again. I needed more though. I could feel the loneliness
again, creeping on the edges of my mind. Once we awoke, groggy and
irritable from the lack of sleep and the night spent tossing and
turning in an itchy, uncomfortably hot slumber, Grey made some more
lines from the dope left over and I snorted it back without a
second thought.

This time it
hit me in the elevator. Grey was taking me somewhere, I didn’t know
where, but we were up and dressed and out the door when I felt the
creeping waves descending and smiled knowingly at Grey, shutting my
eyes and letting them have me. He led me, blissfully numb and
euphoric, through the lobby of the hotel and into the awaiting cab.
Everything after that was a perfect, hazy blur. I can remember how
good Grey’s warm hand felt in mine … how the grey, dismal colors
over the dreary, rainy city were beautiful to my eye … how the
cold, brisk breeze couldn’t touch me, how … how amazing it felt to
be so content, so utterly satisfied and comfortable.

Grey took me to
the studio. I was pleasantly surprised when we pulled up in front
of the red brick building, even more so when I discovered that all
the guys were there, the whole band, recording away. It was really
good to see them after so long. I sat on one of the black leather
couches that stretched the length of the room and nodded in and out
of the conversation, a soft, joyous smile on my face as the guys
talked and laughed and filled the room with a happy buzzing din—the
perfect background noise to accompany the peaceful quiet of my
mind. It didn’t escape my notice that some of my friends were
nodding off as well, on heroin—and I felt so united with them, so
in tune, closer to them that I’ve ever felt before. The only person
I couldn’t have cared less about was Zack, but he proved easy to
ignore. Most of the time he was up in the sound booth, wailing away
on his guitar.

Everyone took a
turn recording their individual instruments to the same song. I had
no idea that’s how records were made. I thought they all played as
a band, at once, together. After Zack, Alex got up and played on
his drums. The two guys working the soundboard were Steve and Mike,
and though I had just met them, they were my new best friends as
far as I was concerned. They tried to show me some things but I was
really too high to pay much attention.

But then Grey
got up to sing. The moment his beautiful, husky low voice hit my
ears I sat up, totally aware, and then stood so I could watch him.
Grey smirked when he noticed me, his blue eyes intent—he didn’t
seem to care at all that I was watching him. His voice draped over
me as he sang, melting my heart, making my breath catch in my
throat, stealing my very soul with the impossible beauty and the
glorious sweetness of his voice.

I bit my lip
and let the radiating love I felt for him fill me to the point of
tears. I mouthed it to him through the glass. I love you, Grey. I
love you.

It was over all
too soon. Before I knew it, before it seemed possible, we had to
leave so I would make my flight back home. I held Grey’s hand as
tight as I could, reluctant to let him go for even a second,
knowing we’d be separated by hundreds of miles in just a few short,
precious hours. We went back to the hotel first and I packed my
things quickly so as not to waste a moment. Grey sat back on the
bed and watched while I ran around the room, collecting my clothes
and make-up and jewellery and hurriedly shoving them into my bag,
which was already half-haphazardly packed from my Riley panic the
night before.

When I was
done, he pulled me down onto his lap, wrapping his strong, warm
arms around me. I melted against him, shutting my eyes and
breathing deeply the delicious smell that emanated from the warm
base of his throat.

“So,
Mackenzie,” his voice was low in my ear, sending shivers down my
spine. “Did you have a good birthday?”

“mmm … only the
best.” I nodded. “Thank you, Grey. This was the greatest present
ever.”

“I can agree
with that.” He smirked and bent down to kiss me. I wove my fingers
through his short, messy dark hair and kissed him like it was our
last.

“I don’t want
to go.” I admitted, as he pulled away. “I don’t want to leave
you.”

“Yeah, but if
all goes well, it’ll only be another week. Maybe two, tops.”

I nodded
glumly. “Yeah.”

We sat together
in silence for a moment. I could practically hear the seconds
ticking down to the inevitable moment when I would have to leave
him. I sighed miserably. The heroin high was all but over … the
warmth had faded away and a heavy weariness was settling in my
bones, a dull achiness replacing the blissful heat that had
inhabited my muscles, a pang of sudden loneliness taking place of
the contented happiness I’d felt all day.

“Hey, don’t be
sad.” Grey brushed the hair back from my face. As if reading my
mind, his eyes gleamed down at me as he pulled a little baggie out
of his pocket. “How about a hit for the road? It’ll make this whole
parting thing easier.”

“You know me
too well,” I grinned, “I’m going to need all the help I can
get.”

“Well, you’re
not the only one.” He smiled. “But no more after this. This shit is
way too easy to get hooked on to do every day.”

“But, we can
still do it like, every once in awhile, can’t we?”

Grey nodded. “I
think so. On special occasions and stuff.” He shrugged. “I don’t
see why not, as long as we’re smart about it.”

“Yeah.” I
nodded eagerly, ready to agree to anything as long as it got me
more heroin now. I looked forward to the dense warmth and blissful
apathy that would accompany me on the plane ride home, the warm
nothingness that would fall on me like a blanket of utter
contentment, covering the pain that would come from leaving Grey
behind.

I watched as he
cut the lines. I did mine quickly—he gave me a little more this
time—and then he sniffed his back. We sat for a moment, smiling
widely at each other, the air thick with the thrill of anticipation
as we waited for the high to settle into our bones.

The airport was
busy, and noisy, full of the typical chaos of people coming and
going and greeting and saying their farewells. I stood with my
ticket in hand, my luggage already loaded, outside the gate where
Grey and I had to say our goodbye. I knew if it weren’t for the
warmth of the heroin already creeping up my body, I would be
intensely sad. But at the moment, I couldn’t keep the smile from my
face.

“I’ll let you
know what’s happening, when we’re coming home.” Grey was saying.
His eyes were barely open.

“Yeah.” I
nodded slowly.

He pulled me
into his arms, and their strength was the only thing that could
compare with the goodness of the numbing heat stealing through my
veins. I savoured my time spent in them; I never wanted to let him
go.

“I love you,
Grey.” I whispered in his ear. He paused a moment then, his mouth
open, but frozen, as if he were struggling for words that just
wouldn’t come.

“Have a good
flight.” He smiled finally. He kissed me and I held onto him, but
as my final boarding call was announced, ringing through the noisy
din surrounding us, I knew I couldn’t put the inevitable off any
longer. I had to go.

“Goodbye,
Grey.”

“Goodbye.” He
answered. I forced myself to turn away from him, to rip myself away
from those gorgeous blue eyes I could surely lose myself in. I
walked towards the gate, leaving him behind.

“Wait,
Mackenzie.” Grey called suddenly. He came up behind me, grabbed my
hand and spun me around to meet him.

“Yes?”

He stared at me
moment, his face soft as he looked me over, warm with obvious
affection. “I love you.” Grey stated lowly. “I love you, and I’m
sorry I never tell you that. I feel bad, because you say it to me …
all the time. But it’s hard for me … I don’t know why … just, just
know I love you, okay? Even if I can’t say it.”

I blinked at
him a moment, and a smile spread across my face as I savoured his
words. It was so good to hear him say it. I knew he loved me—I
did—because that was the thing about Grey, the thing I had come to
understand. He spoke with his actions more than his words, and his
love was evident in all the little things. Like the way he wrote me
a song and how he carried my bag for me, or the way he turned and
grasped my hand whenever we were walking. Even in the lengths he
had gone to try and cheer me up after our weekend was ruined.

“I do know.” I
nodded softly. “Grey, you tell me you love me all the time.”

When the plane
touched down, I blinked awake, but I had never really been
sleeping—just nodding as the warmth drowsed me deliciously, totally
carefree in my seat, completely oblivious to the people around me.
I forced myself to get up and move as the other passengers made
their way through the cabin, grasping my purse and following slowly
behind them.

I knew my
family would be waiting for me, but I didn’t mind. Not even they
could ruin the numbness, not even they would be able to penetrate
the silky embrace of the drugs. There would probably be a lecture
involved, from Marcy if no one else, since I had somewhat managed
to ruin at least a portion of her wedding. With that, I knew
there’d be some judgemental staring and frowning, but I really
didn’t care. Inside I laughed, hoping they would try to get in, to
get under my skin somehow.

I smiled,
knowing they would never be able to. They couldn’t touch me
now.

Sure enough,
the first couple I recognized at the arrivals gate was my mom and
dad. Mom smiled and waved enthusiastically, but Dad didn’t look too
happy to see me, even after he noticed that Grey hadn’t come and
they both relaxed in a painfully obvious manner.

“Hey guys.” I
greeted.

“Hey, sweetie.
Happy birthday!” Mom exclaimed, wrapping me in a hug.

“Happy
birthday, Mackenzie.” Dad nodded gruffly, a frown creasing his
forehead.

“Thanks.”

We made our way
through the airport as mom prattled on and on in her excitement,
her brown curls shaking in her enthusiasm. I trailed along with a
half smile on my face, nodding at the right moments and pretending
to listen the rest of the time. By the time we made it to the
Parkade my ears were practically ringing. I got in the back of the
car and slumped against the seat.

“You okay
honey? You look sleepy.”

“Yeah, I’m a
little tired.” I admitted. I imagined myself telling her, “no mom,
I’m not sleepy. Just high on dope. You should try it. It’s
amazing.”

“You can have
some coffee once we get to the restaurant. Greg and Marcy are
meeting us there. Have you ever eaten at The Fern? I hear it’s
fantastic.”

“No.” I shook
my head. My favourite restaurant was Earls—I was a fan of the
Bigger Better Bacon Cheddar burger and I’d told my mom that
thousands of times. But apparently that didn’t matter. The Fern it
was.

Dad drove us
silently through the city streets, grown quieter now as evening
approached. I stared out the window at the people walking by and
the cars driving around us, watching the sun slowly sinking through
the ripped shreds of clouds that clung to the heavy grey sky. I
missed Grey already. I tried to imagine what he was doing.

Mom droned
on.

The Fern was a
fancier restaurant, I felt way underdressed in my hoodie and jeans,
and mom wondered why I hadn’t brought a nice skirt to put on. I
rolled my eyes and wished for a cigarette. The lovely warmth was
still buzzing throughout me, luckily. I couldn’t imagine what state
I’d be in if it weren’t.

We made our way
inside, through the maze of dimly lit tables and patrons dressed in
business suits and skirts. I spotted Marcy and Greg at a table near
the back, and there beside them sat Craig Donovan.

I stopped in my
tracks, speechless, and a waiter nearly ran into me. I muttered an
apology and stepped out of his way, totally baffled.

“What’s the
matter, Mackenzie?” Mom wondered.

“Craig is
here.”

“He wanted to
help you celebrate. Come on, now, don’t be difficult. We’ll have a
nice supper, and we’ll talk about it after.”

She grasped me
by the arm and I let her lead me back to the table. At least this
explained some of her avid excitement. I knew I should be mad at
them—fuming even—and knew I would be later. But at the moment, I
didn’t care. I couldn’t care less that Craig was sitting there with
a smug, arrogant grin on his face, watching as we approached. I
felt too good to be bothered by the fact that my family was clearly
trying to set me up with that dick-weed, even after everything that
happened. I slid into the booth beside him and smiled sweetly.

“Hey Craig.
Wow, that shiner healed nicely.” I commented innocently.

He cleared his
throat. “Uh … yeah, thanks.”

Marcy and Greg
were just as impressed with my observation as Craig had been. Greg
leaned back with disapproval and Marcy glared at me. I smiled right
back at her. She looked gorgeous, as usual; her hair curled
perfectly around her jaw, her beautiful face impeccably radiant.
But this time, as I compared myself to her, there was no feeling of
inferiority like there always had been before. All I felt was
amazing, contented and serene. I felt beautiful. My grin widened at
this discovery, I actually almost laughed. Marcy may have been
perfect on the outside, but right then, I was perfect on the
inside.