Light Switch (34 page)

I watched the ancient clock on the bathroom counter, holding my breath as the faded numbers seemed frozen at six fifty-nine. After an eternity, they flipped to seven o’clock.

I exhaled hard. My senses shifted toward the still, silent air around me, searching for any indication that someone was at my door.

Any minute. They’d be here any minute.

Just before I left the bathroom to go into the living room, I took one last look at my reflection. My shoulders slouched under the weight of the world, and lack of sleep darkened the skin beneath my eyes. I looked like hell and felt worse.

Clicking off the light, I went into the living room, sank into a chair, and waited.

I wondered who would get there first. Neither Matt nor Scott made a habit of being late, but if they hung back a little this time, if they weren’t in a huge rush to get here, I couldn’t blame them. I hadn’t told them why I’d asked them over, only that I wanted to talk to them.

Neither knew the other was coming. I wondered if they’d run into each other in the elevator or hallway. If they did, would they agree this was a waste of time and leave before they made it to my front door?

I prayed they made it all the way here. I had no illusions that the subsequent conversation would be fun, but it needed to happen. Tonight. It couldn’t wait. There was no simple, painless solution, but they needed to know. I owed them that much. I owed it to them to be honest. Holding onto Byron’s advice for dear life, I promised myself I would be, but even his wisdom offered only so much comfort.

It would be better to lose them both to honesty than win one of them through a lie
.

Closing my eyes, I rested my elbows on my knees and rubbed my forehead. Matt had already made his choice, but he’d done so thinking I couldn’t love him like I loved Scott. Or
while
I loved Scott. Whether it swayed his decision or not, I needed him to know the truth. I needed both of them to know.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end.

I froze.

My front door muffled the scuff of footsteps on carpet. Footsteps that approached slowly, tentatively, and stopped.

I rose, staring at my door and listening over the deafening whisper of my own clothing rustling with my slow movement. I prayed for a knock. Prayed for retreating footsteps. Prayed for it to be Matt or Scott. Prayed for anyone but them.

Three knocks sent my heart rate through the roof.

I went to the door, and when I opened it, Matt’s tired eyes met mine.

“Hey.” I dropped my gaze and stood back to let him in.

“Hey.” He hesitated, and for a moment, I was afraid he wouldn’t follow me inside. He did, but he kept his distance.

“Thanks for coming.”

“No problem.”

“I just, I needed to talk to you.” I swallowed. “To both of you.”

Matt’s posture stiffened. “Scott’s here too?”

“Not yet.”

His lips thinned. Looking at the floor between us, he rubbed the back of his neck and sighed.

My cramped, claustrophobic hallway was suddenly cavernous, echoing with the silence that hung in the miles of distance between Matt and me. He was little more than an arm’s length away, but he was light years beyond my reach.

I hoped to God Scott showed up soon. The only conversation I could think to make just then was the one I needed to have with both of them, and I wasn’t sure how much uncomfortable silence Matt would take before he left.

Footsteps outside. My nerve endings prickled with the same fear and worry that made my heart beat dangerously fast. Matt’s jaw tightened and his eyes flicked toward the door a second before the first knock.

“That would be Scott,” I said, barely whispering.

When I opened the door, our eyes met. Scott’s usual cockiness was completely absent, and in its place was uncertainty. He glanced over my shoulder and jumped as if he’d been shocked, most likely at the sight of Matt. Like Matt—like
me
—Scott didn’t know how this evening would progress, nor how it would end, and he wore his apprehension on his sleeve.

I stood aside to let him past. After I’d shut the door, I paused, my back to both of them, and took a deep breath. No turning back now.

Behind me, denim rustled as Matt shifted his weight. They may have exchanged uncertain glances, but I didn’t look at either of them. Even when I turned around, I kept my eyes down.

“Why don’t we take this into the living room?” I didn’t give either of them a chance to respond before I went ahead of them. After a second, someone fell into step with me. Then the other. We moved from the hallway into the living room, but none of us sat. I rested my hip against the sofa. Matt stood near the door to the kitchen, arms folded across his chest and gaze fixed on anything that wasn’t Scott or me. Scott leaned against the wall on the other side of the room.

I took a deep breath. “Listen, I wanted to talk to both of you about…” I hesitated. “About what we are—
were
doing.”

They both looked at me, eyebrows lifting slightly. Neither spoke.

“This was supposed to be just about sex,” I said, my voice shaking, “it was just supposed to be fun. With both of you. And—”

“Krissy,” Scott said, “you—”

“—I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with either of you, let alone both of you.”

They both took in sharp breaths. The words hung between the three of us, the air tightening with unasked questions. I hadn’t intended to blurt it out like that, but there it was.

My shoulders dropped as I exhaled hard. I ran a hand through my hair. “I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with both of you. But I did.”

They glanced at each other, then at me. When neither of them spoke, I went on.

“The thing is, you always hear about women wanting a man who’s also her best friend.” I hugged myself, trying desperately to keep from shaking. “And that’s what I have in both of you. You’re my best friends, you’ve both been my lovers, and I…” I wetted my lips, gulping back the lump that tried to rise in my throat. “I don’t want to hurt either of you, but I don’t know how to choose between you. Matt, I know you’ve already made a choice. I just can’t help feeling like this isn’t settled.”

He tightened his lips and released a long breath through his nose. Scott didn’t move, didn’t speak.

Their silence did nothing to help me keep my composure, and my voice shook when I went on. “That’s it. That’s the honest truth. I don’t know where to go from here, but…” I took a deep breath. “I needed you both to know.” There. It was all out. Nothing left to say, nothing left to do except let the chips fall where they would.

Matt closed his eyes and released a sharp breath. He rubbed his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. Scott shifted his weight, eyes darting back and forth between Matt and me.

Finally, he broke the silence, “Who says you can’t have both of us?”

“How the hell would that work?” Matt asked. Then he raised an eyebrow. “Wait, you’re talking about that polyamoury thing, aren’t you?”

“Yes.”

Matt put his hands up and shook his head. “No way. No, I can’t—”

“Why not?” Scott asked.

“I can’t do it either,” I said.

Scott sighed. “Krissy, we’ve been doing it all along.”

“That’s not how it started out,” I said. “This was just a sexual thing. It wasn’t supposed to get…” I dropped my gaze for a moment. Finally I looked at Matt, then Scott. “It wasn’t supposed to get to this point.”

Scott nodded. “It wasn’t supposed to—”

“But it did,” Matt broke in.

“Yes, it did,” Scott said. “So there’s no sense dwelling on what was or wasn’t supposed to happen. It did, here we are, and I think we’d all like to work it out as painlessly as possible.”

“How the fuck is that even possible?” Matt snapped.

“A little open-mindedness could get us somewhere,” Scott said through his teeth.

Matt scowled, but said nothing.

Scott’s eyes darted back and forth between us. “This isn’t how I would normally start a poly relationship, but, it kind of happened on its own.” He looked at me. “Prior to the day one of us admitted to having feelings like this, had your relationship with me taken away at all from your relationship with him?”

“No. If anything—” I chewed my lip, glancing back and forth between them before I went on. “If anything, being with both of you has made things even better. Sexually, I mean.”

“And has it detracted at all from the way things are emotionally? For either of you?”

Matt and I both shook our heads.

Scott put his hands up. “So how does—”

“It’s the way she feels about
you
.” Matt said. He looked at me. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted in a woman, Kris, but how am I supposed to feel when you’re basically telling me I’m not enough to make you happy?”

“That’s not how it is at all,” I said. “You’re not inadequate, you’re not lacking, you’re—”

“I’m not Scott,” he said through clenched teeth.

My shoulders dropped. “What do you want me to say, Matt?”

He sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. The silence went on, but eventually, he looked at me and said, “I don’t know what there is to say. I love you, and I want to be with you, but this…” He made a sweeping gesture to encompass all three of us, and when he spoke again, his voice was unsteady. “I just don’t see how this could work.”

My heart sank a little deeper. It was easier to hear him out when he was angry. Knowing how much this hurt him was killing me. I took a deep breath. “I don’t know if it could or how it could, either. At the very least, I don’t want to lose my friends.” I chewed my thumbnail, eyes flicking back and forth between the two men I loved. “I just don’t know how to move forward as friends now that we’ve been here.”

“And I’d rather have you as a friend than not at all,” Scott said. “But I won’t pretend I’m not in love with you.”

“Then what do we do?” Matt’s voice was laced with irritation. “You make it sound so simple for us to operate as a triple, but—”

“I just don’t see why anyone should have to get hurt over this,” Scott said sharply. “Not when there’s a solution that could avoid that.”

“Who’s to say none of us will get hurt in a poly arrangement?” Matt asked. “They don’t always last forever, do they?”

“No, no, of course not.” Scott shifted his weight. “But if we make her choose, or she prefers to do so, or if we both leave, then someone loses. Someone gets hurt.” He wrung his hands, and his eyes shifted back and forth between us. “But we’ve been doing the poly thing all this time and it’s worked just fine. Just because we’ve acknowledged it doesn’t mean it’s suddenly wrong or that it
won’t
work. Quite frankly, I think it’s worked just fine so far, so why change it?”

Scott was always so controlled, calm, and collected. Tonight, I couldn’t help noticing the note of panic in his voice, as if he was unnerved by the fact that tonight’s outcome was out of his hands.

I swallowed hard. “You two both deserve more than half a woman, though.”

Scott shook his head. “Who says we’d only have half of you? I love Amy, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you or how much of myself I’d give you.” To Matt, he said, “And I wouldn’t be taking anything from you.”

Neither Matt nor I spoke.

It was Scott who finally broke the lingering silence. “We only have a few options.” He looked at Matt. “One, you and I draw straws and one of us walks out of here alone.” He turned to me. “Two, we make you choose, and one of us walks out alone while you, if I know you as well as I think I do, get consumed by guilt. Three, Matt and I both walk out of here alone, and nobody wins.” He paused. “Or four, we figure out how to function together, the same way we’ve been doing it all along.” “

“Except it’s not the same thing we’ve been doing it all along,” Matt said.

“Isn’t it?” Scott said. “No one’s feelings magically changed when they came out and admitted them. Whether we’ve been doing this since the beginning or it gradually happened while no one was looking, the fact is—” He paused, quickly clearing his throat. “The fact is, it happened. Here we are.”

“I just, I can’t get my head around this.” Matt ran a hand through his hair. “Sex is one thing, but…”

Scott swallowed. “Look, I know this is a weird concept for both of you. But really, as I’ve said, it’s what we’ve been doing all along. Just because we’re acknowledging the feelings doesn’t mean they magically appeared overnight.”

“I understand that,” Matt said quietly. “But…”

“Maybe this is easy for me because I’ve been doing the polyamorous thing for so long,” Scott said, “but Krissy, I’d rather share you than lose you.”

I held his gaze for a moment, then looked at Matt. It was like having an angel and a devil on my shoulders. One pushing me forward, one pulling me back. And the more I thought about it, that was how it had been all along with Matt and Scott. Not that they’d been pulling me in different directions, but they’d been the polar opposites that brought me balance. My devil and my angel. Fire and ice. Calm and crazy.