Light the Lamp (32 page)

He was right, and I knew it, but it still took me a while to get myself moving.

That night, I took an Ambien and slept in Noelle’s bed. Her scent was still on the pillows, which might have aided me in falling asleep more than the pill did. There was something about her presence that had always brought a sense of peace to me, and I experienced at least a small reflection of that just because her sheets smelled like her.

I went to the optional morning skate the next day, mainly because I needed something to do to distract me. I forced myself to go through my usual game-day routine. There was no more point in calling to leave Noelle messages or in sending her texts, since her phone was in my condo and not with her, so I somehow refrained from doing that all day long. It had been the one thing I’d been able to do on the road to convince myself I was doing everything I could for her. Now there was nothing I could do.

We had a hard-fought game against Dallas that night. They were making a late-season push for the playoffs, too, hoping they could get one of the wild card slots in the Western Conference. They definitely didn’t just roll over for us, but we somehow came out with a two-to-one win in regulation. I didn’t score, but I wasn’t a liability out there, either.

Every time Bergy caught my eye lately, he gave me a little nod. And Scotty wasn’t screaming at me too much. I figured I was starting to find my way with this team, even if I couldn’t be the scoring forward they hoped I would be. I didn’t know how to score without Noelle in my life. She’d been this ray of sunlight, making everything around me brighter, but without her everything was going dark again.

Since Noelle wasn’t there for me to go home to, I went out for a meal and a beer with the boys after the game. Burnzie pushed to go to Voicebox, a karaoke bar that had sak
e
on the menu, and somehow he won out. Probably because most of the team was so young and their idea of a good time lined up more with his than with mine. The few older guys on the team went home with their wives and girlfriends after the game, so it was me and a bunch of young, mostly single guys.
 

I would have preferred something quieter than a karaoke bar, and I wasn’t completely alone in that. Jonny and I stuck together at the back and listened to the other guys make utter idiots of themselves, and Babs kept close to us. He was still underage, but a lot of the local bars looked past that at least in terms of letting him in. He didn’t try to drink, but I got the impression they would have served him despite his age. Mainly, he just watched wide-eyed and blushed when the waitresses flirted with him.

Even though it wasn’t what I would have picked, it was a fun night, especially when Burnzie put on a show by singing “I’m Sexy and I Know It” while doing a bit of a striptease to the screaming adoration of a group of drunk women. He didn’t really strip—he just took off his jacket and tie, undid a few buttons of his shirt—but they went crazy for him. Babs blushed some more watching it, but I got the feeling he was glad the women were fawning over someone other than him for once. Every time one of the women screamed, Babs sat back further into the shadows of our booth.

Hanging out with the guys helped to ease the hollow ache of knowing I had to go home and Noelle wouldn’t be there. After Babs, Jonny, and I made sure the rest of the guys were going to be able to get home safely, Babs and I went back to the condo. It was just as empty as it had been when we’d left before the game, and Noelle’s cell phone and the credit card were still right where she’d left them.

“
Get some sleep, Kally,” Babs told me again, just like he’d done the night before. “We’ve got a day off tomorrow. We’ll get some of the boys together and come up with a plan. We’ll find her. We’ll make sure she’s okay.”
 

“
Yeah,” I said, and I knew that was the best I could hope for—that Noelle was all right. Not that she would come back to me. I still didn’t know how to give her what she needed. Nothing had changed in that regard, and it didn’t seem as though it would anytime soon. “Yeah, good night, Babs.”
 

I headed off into Noelle’s room again, hoping that I could wrap myself up in her scent and have it ease the disquiet taking over me.

That open, aching, hollow spot in my gut clenched and churned, and I felt like I would be sick. But it didn’t feel like the sort of nausea that would ease once I’d puked. This felt like it was going to stay with me for a very long time—months, years—just like it had when Liv had died. Noelle was still very much alive, at least to my knowledge, and yet I felt like I was grieving for her.

 

 

“
As long as
you’re back by eight o’clock tonight, this bed is still yours,” Bonnie Carter said. She pulled her mass of long, brown hair behind her head and twisted it into a knot before securing it with a big hair clip. A chunk fell out right away, and she huffed but didn’t attempt to sort it out again. “At 8:01, if another woman is here and needs a bed for the night, you know I have to give it to her.”
 

Bonnie was the manager on duty tonight at the women’s shelter where I’d been staying since I left Liam’s apartment. I’d gone out several days now, applying for jobs and volunteering at Helping Hands and doing other things of that nature, but I’d never had any concern about making it back before the cutoff. Not until today.

“
You can’t make an exception if you know I’m coming back?” I asked.
 

I’d been offered some part-time work for a company that hosted events, Willamette Events and Party Planning. I’d be helping the caterers, clearing tables, taking out trash—you name it. If it needed to be done, I would be doing it. The best part about this job was that many of the events they ran were fundraisers for charities. What I would be doing gave the work meaning beyond simply making money. I couldn’t really ask for anything better than that. I mean, the company paid pretty decently, but the work was going to be sporadic. I couldn’t count on it being a full-time gig, but at least the work I would be doing was going to have value.

This afternoon, they’d asked me to work a celebrity golf tournament that was raising money for the March of Dimes. The event itself was supposed to finish up by around five, but they’d told me to expect to stay behind for another two hours or so afterward in order to clean everything up and put it all back to how it had been before we arrived. Between that and having to count on public transportation, I might not make it back by eight.

“
You know the rules, Noelle,” Bonnie said, her usually warm eyes taking on a sad look. I dropped off the laundry we’d stripped from my bed, and she picked up a stack of clean sheets.
Then, together, we headed back into the bedroom. “I can’t make exceptions for one person or I’ll have to start making them for everyone.”
 

“
I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have even asked.” We’d always had rules about who could foster one of our dogs at Helping Hands, too. There was a good reason for most of the rules in places like this women’s shelter.
 

“
I hope you get back in time.” Bonnie helped me make the bed I’d been sleeping in as well as the three others in this room. “You’ve been a real joy to have around here. I can’t tell you how many more smiles there’ve been since you showed up, and that’s a blessing in a place like this.”
 

Smiling while I talked to the other women who were staying here had been easy. Most of them were good women who had hit a rough patch, just like I had. I enjoyed spending time with them and helping to lighten the mood. It made it easier for me to accept the charity of being allowed to stay here, being able to talk and laugh with the women. It was only when I got into my bed at the end of the night and the lights were out that I let myself cry.

It wasn’t self-pity that made me cry or anything like that. I just missed Liam. I missed the sensation of being wrapped up in his arms. I missed the way his whiskers tickled my cheek when he hugged me. I missed the way he called me
älskling
, his deep voice turning gravelly as it rumbled over me. I missed twirling my fingers in his chest hair until he let out an exasperated sigh and put his hand over mine to stop me. I missed his sturdy, steady presence that kept me on the ground instead of floating off in the clouds.

I missed everything about him.

In the first few days after I’d left, the longing had been so intense that I wondered if my love for him was deeper than I thought it was. I’d known almost since the moment we met that I cared about him. There was a very real affection between the two of us, of course, but that sort of love required something more. It needed that little bit of him that he kept separate from me, that part of himself that was always trying to do more for me, to give me more, instead of allowing me to return the favor. It couldn’t be the same sort of love that he felt, but that didn’t make it any less painful for me each day I spent away from him. There are any number of ways that love can present itself in life. What I felt for him was definitely love in some form. I just couldn’t see how to make my form coexist alongside his without someone getting hurt.

Granted, I hurt now. And I knew he did, too. Why did it have to be so difficult?

I talked with Bonnie a little longer, helping her clean and organize and do all the other chores that needed to be done. But then I had to get myself together and leave for my day of work.

Once I’d taken my belongings up front to Bonnie’s desk, in case I didn’t make it back before curfew and I needed to pick them up, I put on the black pants and white blouse I’d been given as a uniform.

“
Good luck!” Bonnie said when I headed out the door for the Riverside Country Club.
 

“
Thanks,” I said over my shoulder. “I’ll be back later.”
 

Bright sunshine greeted me, and I pulled my sunglasses out of the tote bag I was carrying. The sunglasses were just one more thing that had been in the bags Liam had brought for me that last day. The tote was from then, too. It had a built-in spot for an umbrella and a poncho, another for the sunglasses. Everything I could need for almost any kind of weather could be found in this one bag. There was even room for my purse and its meager contents. I was thankful for it, but at the same time, thinking about him again brought on another pang that clawed against my chest like a caged animal trying to get free.

I could only wonder how long this ache would last.

 

“
I’m sorry, but
I can’t allow any men inside.” The shelter manager tucked a stray hair behind her ear and came out from behind the main desk, making to usher me and Babs out the door. There was another door on the other side of her desk, one that surely led to the living quarters for the women who were staying here. Noelle could be just on the other side of this wall. She could be that close to me, with nothing but some drywall keeping us apart.