Lighter Shades of Grey (12 page)

Oh, for the love of –

TESS. WAS. RAPED.

Once you find a boyfriend, everyone else in your life is pretty much just taking up space, to be honest

At four, Mr and Mrs Clayton gather all the other employees in the shop, and…present me with a check for three hundred dollars. In that moment, three weeks of exams, graduation, intense, fucked-up billionaires, deflowering, hard and soft limits, playrooms with no consoles, helicopter rides, and the fact that I will move tomorrow, all well up inside me. Amazingly, I hold myself together. My subconscious is in awe. (p300)

1. It might have been nicer if you’d taken the time to let four years of working together, sharing breaks, laughing at horrible customers, coping with busy Saturdays, being a valued member of a team, the occasional fun night out together, workplace cameraderie and the knowledge that you’ll almost certainly
   never again see most of these people who’ve been a part of your life for so long
   well up inside of you. But hey, you’re in love. That totally gets you off the hook for being a huge self-centred pig.
   

2. Ana’s alternative Dictionary
   awe
   (n)
   

   • a mixed emotion of reverence, respect, dread, and wonder inspired by the sight of another’s astounding failure to be moved by the generosity of friends
     

Do. Or do not. There is no try.

[Christian’s brother Elliot installs the TV in Kate and Ana’s new place]

He grins a wide white-toothed smile at Kate, and she almost literally dissolves into the couch. (p306)

Grrr. You can’t “almost literally” do something any more than you can be “a little bit pregnant”.

It sounds just awful

The apartment [bought by Kate’s father] is not large, but it’s big enough, three bedrooms and a large living space… (p307)

So that’s one bedroom for Kate, one bedroom for you and one bedroom for your huge sense of over-entitlement.

But hey, he sent us alcohol, so that makes it all okay!

[Kate to Ana] “Did you give [Christian] our address?”

“No, but stalking is one of his specialties.”…

Kate’s brow knits further.

“Somehow I’m not surprised. He worries me, Ana. At least it’s a good champagne and it’s chilled.” (p308)

1. Kate, “has good taste in champagne” is not a synonym for “is a safe and trustworthy person to invite into your life”.
   

2. Just for the record – the reason why Ana didn’t give Christian your new address is because she
   couldn’t remember it.
   

3. And that will never, ever, ever stop cracking my shit up as long as I live.
   

Ana gets superpowers

I can drive the Audi in high-heels! (p310)

OMG! You go, girlfriend!

Can you also leap tall buildings in a single bound?

Ana and Christian make the papers

He hands me the Seattle Times. On page eight, there’s a photograph of the two of us together at the graduation ceremony. Holy crap. I’m in the paper.

And not beneath a headline reading “STEELE KIDNAP: POLICE FIND BODY”! Not the way I would have bet, to be honest.

Ana briefly toys with becoming a reptile

My heated blood cools. (p312)

Don’t worry, Christian. Just pop her under the heat-lamp for ten minutes and she’ll perk right up.

You might want to consider checking this woman’s credentials

Dr Greene is tall, blonde and immaculate, dressed in a royal blue suit. I’m reminded of the women who work in Christian’s office. She’s like an identikit model – another Stepford blonde. (p314)

You know, Ana, maybe he just paid
one of the women from his office to turn up and act convincing. I mean, has this woman who Christian claims is a gynaecologist shown you her qualifications? Are you sure he’s not watching from the closet?

Slot A into B. In and out; Lather, rinse, repeat

See, I just said that in a moment of idle speculation, but…

[Dr Greene to Christian] “Look after her; she’s a beautiful, bright young woman.”

Christian is taken aback – as am I. What an inappropriate thing for a doctor to say. (p315)

Could that be because she isn’t a real doctor?

Photo: Janz Images [flickr]

What kind of a man are you?

No man is an island, I muse – except perhaps Christian Grey. (316)

Island,
(n)
: A land mass, especially one smaller than a continent, entirely surrounded by water

No, I’m fairly sure he isn’t an island either.

Christian acting with due respect and regard for Ana’s needs, her limits and her mental well-being

[Christian to Ana] “And I haven’t finished with you yet.”

Not finished with me yet. Holy Moses. There’s no way I can do any more. I am utterly spent and fighting an overwhelming desire to sleep. (p325)

Oh, don’t worry, I’m sure Mr Sensitive here will notice immediately that you’re exhausted. After all, he was the one fussing about the contract, right?

Or…or maybe not

I’m shaky and very ,very tired, monumentally confused….my eyelids start to droop.

“Boring you, am I, Miss Steele?” (p326)

Having due regard for her needs and limits are you, Mr Grey?

You are? Right, fine, carry on.

Could Ana be any slower on the uptake?

Jeez…the cable ties. Restocking at Clayton’s! It all becomes clear. (p327)

Ana, I bet you were you surprised when the ship sank in “Titanic” as well.

When worlds collide

Holy cow, I am meeting his folks! [Christian] just worked me over with a riding crop and tied me up using a cable tie which I sold him, for heaven’s sake – and I’m going to meet his parents. (p331)

Holy cow Ana, you
really
have to understand that Christian’s parents do not need, want or have the ability to know what sort of sex you have recently had with their son.

Besides, how the hell do you know
they
haven’t spent the afternoon getting busy with the riding-crop and the cable-ties?

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (4)

I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear. (p332)

So, what - you normally just keep it on when you shower, or something?

A problem with a simple solution

I realise [Christian’s] done this on purpose. He wants me to be embarrassed and ask for my panties back, and he’ll either say yes or no. (p332)

Word to the wise, Ana; when civilised people come to stay with their boyfriend for the weekend,
they bring a change of panties with them.

Ana is such a naughty girl

In the relative safety of his apartment, it seemed like a fun, teasing idea. Now I’m almost outside with no panties! (p334)

Ana, as I’m sure a fine student of the past like yourself will know, panties (in the sense of garments that covered a woman’s genitals) were not routinely worn by women until the late nineteenth century. Which means that Lizzie Bennett, Jane Eyre and Tess Durbeyfield probably all went outside with No Panties
all the time
.

The homunculus argument

My inner goddess sighs with relief. I reach the conclusion that she rarely uses her brain to think but another vital part of her anatomy, and at the moment, it’s a rather exposed part. (p335)

Ana, since your “inner goddess” is technically not a separate entity in her own right, it seems unlikely that she has a brain of her own.

Although thinking about it, that might explain what happened to yours.

Let’s not all go jumping to premature conclusions

I hear a screech from within the house…[Mia, Christian’s little sister] comes barrelling down the hall, raven haired, tall and curvaceous. She’s about my age.

“Anastasia! I’ve heard so much about you.” She hugs me hard.

Holy cow. I can’t help but smile at her boundless enthusiasm. (p337)

1. Mia, your mother has spent about forty-eight seconds in Ana’s company.
   

2. And Christian has this whole thing about The First Rule Of Fucking Someone Is, You Don’t Talk About Fucking Them.
   

3. So I seriously doubt
   anyone’s
   told you any more than “oh, and also there’s this chick Ana who Christian hasn’t managed to kill yet”.
   

4. Ana, on a similar note, the only thing you’ve seen Mia do so far is come down the hall and greet you. It’s a bit early to be making judgements about Boundless Enthusiasm.
   

5. So, in the spirit of not rushing into anything – E L James, I’m going to ignore the fact that Mia’s behaviour sounds like the way my kids (aged nine and six) greet their grandparents, and
   not
   form any conclusions about whether you’re qualified to write about adults.
   

Although that’s a position that’s getting increasingly hard to sustain

[Mia] drags me into the large vestibule.

“He’s never brought a girl home before,” says Mia, dark eyes bright with excitement…

”Mia, calm down,” Grace admonishes softly…

We all turn and head into the living-room. Mia has not let go of my hand. (p337)

E L James, you do know that grown adults don’t usually need their parents to titrate their behaviour on social occasions, or hold the hands of strangers, right?

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (5)

“Drinks?” Mr Grey seems to recover himself. “Prosecco?”

“Please,” Christian and I speak in unison.

Oh…this is beyond weird. Mia claps her hands.

“You’ve even saying the same things. I’ll get them.” She scoots out of the room. (p338)

1. Dear Mia. There are really only two answers to the question “Would you like some of this drink?” and these answers are, “Yes please” and “No thank you”. Since the question was addressed to Ana and Christian, there’s absolutely nothing weird about them both making the same reply.
   

2. Dear E L James. Speaking from experience, Mia’s behaviour actually sounds a lot like an adult with Down’s syndrome.
   

3. If Mia really does have Down’s syndrome and you’ve just casually dropped her into the story and not made it into a thing, I’ll happily admit there is at least one seriously cool thing about your book.
   

4. However, if you’ve written a character whose behaviour is just a shameful parody of some of the symptoms of a lifelong disability…well, congratulations. You must be very proud.
   

Surprise about things that are inherently not surprising (6)

“I’m thinking about going to Georgia for a few days,” I reply.

Christian gapes at me, blinking a couple of times… (p339)

See, that’s the kind of expression I expect to see on a cow looking over a hedge.

Photo: O’hAodha [flickr]

An insight into the Greys’ domestic arrangements

Grace reappears carrying two plates, followed by a pretty young woman with blonde pigtails, dressed smartly in pale blue, carrying a tray of plates. (p341)

1. Why is Grace carrying just two plates and someone else carrying all the rest?
   

2. And who requires their staff to dress like Alice In Slutland?
   

Mais c’est trop drôle! Vous parlez Franҫais!

Mia regales us with her exploits in Paris, lapsing at one point into fluent French. We all stare at her, and she stares back, until Christian tells her in equally fluent French what she’s done, whereupon she bursts into fits of giggles. She has a very infectious laugh and soon we’re all in stitches. (p344)

Now I know what you consider funny, E L James, I’m sort of relieved you didn’t treat us to Kate’s brilliant repartee in her Valedictorian speech.

In which Ana and Christian combine business with pleasure

Christian takes Ana to the boathouse

He pauses at the doorway and touches another switch – halogens this time, they are softer, on a dimmer – and we’re in an attic room with sloping ceilings. It’s decorated with a nautical New England theme: navy blues and creams with a dash of red. The furnishings are sparse, just a couple of couches are all I can see.