Lighter Shades of Grey (5 page)

America’s Most Wanted

Oh shit. I’m in Christian Grey’s suite. How did I get here? (p65)

Okay Ana, let’s take it you didn’t give consent.

Now you are his prisoner

I’m wearing my t-shirt, bra, and panties. No socks. No jeans. Holy shit. (p65)

So he’s taken you somewhere without your consent, and also stolen your clothes.

Not totally convinced we’re focusing on the right things here

He’s in grey sweat pants that hang, in that way, off his hips and a grey singlet, which is dark with sweat, like his hair. (p65)

Look, Ana, I’m all for seeing the good in situations. But if I’d just woken up in the hotel suite of a strange man who stalked my cellphone and stole my clothes while I was unconscious, then my immediate reaction might be a little bit less about the sweaty hair and the palazzo pants, and a little bit more about the moral outrage and the credible escape plans. Just putting that out there.

Christian the knight in shining armour

“After you passed out, I didn’t want to risk the leather upholstery in my car taking you all the way to your apartment. So I brought you here.” (p66)

Oh, absolutely. It’s all her fault. And if she had thrown up on your leather upholstery, you would have been totally within your rights to bill her for the cleaning. Dragging her comatose body through the lobby of a major hotel, into the elevator, up to the top floor and then into your suite was definitely the right choice.

Or, you could have left her with her friends – those people who she knows, trusts and was expecting to leave with – and let them take her home. Just an idea.

Christian the gentleman

“Did you undress me?” I whisper.

“Yes.”

…“We didn’t - ?” I whisper, my mouth drying…

“Anastasia, you were comatose. Necrophilia is not my thing.” (p66)

1. Well, that’s good to know, Christian. When you kidnapped a defenceless woman and concealed her in your hotel suite, I was starting to wonder. But as long as you merely stripped her clothes off, stared at her for a while, then presumably went off to the bathroom for a quick five-finger knuckle-shuffle, we’re totally shiny.
   

2. Just for the record, the term that describes sexual attraction to sleeping or unconscious people is “somnophilia”. “Necrophilia” refers to sexual attraction to corpses.
   

3. Although personally I think you’re protesting too much.
   

Christian feels his actions are totally justified

“You didn’t have to track me down with whatever James Bond stuff you’re developing for the highest bidder,” I snap at him.

“Firstly, the technology to track cell phones is available over the Internet. Secondly, my company does not invest or manufacture any kind of surveillance devices, and thirdly, if I hadn’t come to get you, you’d probably be waking up in the photographer’s bed…” (p67)

Dear Christian,

1. Technically yes, the technology to track people’s cellphones is available over the internet. However, to install the relevant software without Ana’s knowledge, you must have stolen her phone, installed a tracking app, and deleted the email and text notifications advising her that someone’s now tracking her phone. This is at best immoral, and at worst a federal offence.
   

2. You can buy practically anything over the internet these days, including stolen music, the services of sex workers, prescription-grade painkillers, soiled panties and the right to take other people’s virginity. Just because something is easy to buy doesn’t mean you ought to buy it.
   

3. Although I must admit, I sort of like your attempt to claim the moral high ground. In fact, I may use this myself. If I, for example, were to come to your house with a gun and shoot you with it, I like to think my decision not to personally invent and then manufacture my own design of handgun would count in my favour.
   

4. Just out of interest, Christian – do you often kidnap women who are getting kissed by men who they aren’t really into, just as a precautionary measure in case these men turn out to be rapists?
   

5. Or are you, perhaps, just desperately thrashing around for a plausible excuse for dragging Ana into your car, driving her across town, dragging her out again, lugging her unconscious form through the parking-lot, into the hotel lobby, past the front desk to the elevator (did the staff help you out, by the way? Did they question your actions at any point? Or did they just sit there like stuffed dummies and watch?) and all the way up to your hotel suite so you could play at Let’s Undress Raggedy Anne, all by yourself in your king-sized bed?
   

6. Can you tell how much it pisses me off that this is being presented at a romantic gesture? I really hope so. Women of the world, please take note. Kidnapping Is Not Romantic.
   

Further insight into Christian’s moral philosophy

“Well, if you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week after the stunt you pulled yesterday. You didn’t eat, you got drunk, you put yourself at risk…I hate to think what could have happened to you.” (p67)

1. “When my women step out of line, I hit them.” Did you just actually express that sentiment out loud and get away with it?
   

2. Although maybe you have a point here. I mean, Ana could have ended up passing out in front of a ruthless sexual predator, being taken from her friends and carried off to an unknown location before having her clothes and possessions removed and –
   

Oh wait, hang on a minute.

The Mark of the Beast

One minute, I’m confused and angry, the next I’m gazing at his gorgeous smile…I quite forget what he’s talking about. (p68)

Ana, you’ve just described a textbook example of Superficial Charm; a key attribute used in the diagnosis of psychopathic personalities.

Ana ponders her surprising feeling of safety

He’s the only man who has ever set the blood racing around my body. Yet he so antagonizing too; he’s difficult, complicated and confusing. One minute he rebuffs me, the next he sends me fourteen-thousand-dollar books, then he tracks me like a stalker. And for all that, I have spent the night in his hotel suite, and I feel safe. Protected. (p68)

EITHER:

Christian is a diamond in the rough, a dark knight, an angel with a dirty face. The paradox of your feeling safe and protected, even in a situation of apparent danger, is a sign that you are destined for each other.

OR:

Stockholm syndrome.

Ana wonders why Christian isn’t a rapist as well as a kidnapper

Does he want me? He wouldn’t kiss me last week…What’s he thinking? You’ve slept in his bed all night, and he’s not touched you, Ana. You do the math. (p69)

Okay then, how’s about:

Woman unconscious and unable to give consent

+

Man who has sex with her anyway

=

Rape

+

Unlimited Damages

+

Up To Fifteen Years Jail Time

Maybe Christian’s rationing himself to just one major felony per night?

Even Christian’s minions are creepy

I inspect the bag of jeans. Not only has [Christian’s bodyguard] Taylor brought me jeans and new converse, but a pale blue shirt, socks, and underwear…what’s more , they fit perfectly…I flush to think of the Buzz-Cut man in some lingerie store buying this for me. (p70)

Does this mean Christian let Taylor come in and have a good old stare at Ana too?

Or did he just take a series of exacting measurements and hand them over?

Photo: aussiegall [flickr]

The Grey brothers hunt in packs

“Crap, Kate,” I croak…

“She knows you’re here and still alive. I just texted Elliot,” he says. (p71)

Hi bro. Howz it goin? Um lk I no I sed no more
but u no how it is rite? Hv kidnapped a girl agen.
Shes still here w me. Need2 work out plan2 get
rid. Mk up sum shit 2 keep her BFF sweet k? Laters C

A problem of your own making

[Christian to Ana]

“I didn’t know what you liked, so I ordered a selection from the breakfast menu…”

“Anastasia, I have an issue with wasted food…eat.” (p71)

So, rather than wait five minutes and find out what Ana wanted, you thought you’d just order one of everything off the menu, then stand over her until she somehow forces down every last mouthful.

I can see now why you’re so successful in all that you do.

I hope Ana brought her long spoon

He passes me a small teapot of hot water and on the saucer is a Twinings English Breakfast teabag. Jeez, he remembers how I like my tea. (p71)

Well, technically, Ana, since he’s presented you with a teabag and a teapot full of hot water, a better description here would be that he has absolutely no idea how you like your tea, and has merely assembled a DIY tea-making kit.

Ana’s plans for the future

[Christian to Ana] “You have a place in Seattle already?”

“Yes.”

“Where?”

“I can’t remember the address.”

He smiles. “So what are you going to do for work in Seattle?” (p73)

I can’t make up my mind what’s more hilarious here; Ana’s coy admission that she can’t remember where she’s supposed to be living from now on, or Christian’s blithe acceptance of this as a reasonable answer.

Because really, a large corporation can never have enough idiots on its payroll

“Have you applied to my company as I suggested?”

“Um…no.”

“And what’s wrong with my company?” (p73)

More to the point, Christian, what’s wrong with
you
? She just admitted she can’t remember her own address.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (5)

“I’d like to bite that lip,” he whispers darkly.

Oh my. I am completely unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip. My mouth pops open as I gasp and swallow at the same time. That has to be the sexiest thing anyone has ever said to me. (p73)

Unfortunately, Ana, letting your mouth hang open while you choke on a mouthful of your own drool probably has to be the un-sexiest thing anyone has ever done in front of him.

And with the entire suite to choose from…

[Ana to Christian] “Where did you sleep last night?” I turn to gaze at him…

“In my bed,” he says. (p76)

Then again, you probably thought you were keeping Ana safe from the Wallpaper People who might have climbed out from the decorations at absolutely any moment.

“Erotic” is not a synonym for “intrusive”

I want to clean my teeth. I eye Christian Grey’s toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth…I squirt toothpaste onto it, and brush my teeth in double-quick time. I feel so naughty. It’s such a thrill. (p76)

Things that are good metaphors for oral sex:

• Cucumbers
  

• Bananas
  

• Lollipops
  

• Ice-cubes
  

• Things on swizzle-sticks
  

• Any other foodstuff that you either have to suck, or that’s vaguely penis-shaped
  

Things that are bad metaphors for oral sex:

• Anything involving toothbrushes
  

And he gave me my very first kiss

Before I know it, he’s got both of my hands in one of his in a vice-like grip above my head, and he’s pinning me to the wall using his hips…His other hand grabs my ponytail and yanks down…It’s only just not painful. He brings his hand up to grasp my chin and holds me in place. I am helpless, my hands pinned, my face held, and his hips restraining me. I feel his erection against my bell. Oh my…he wants me. (p78)

Oh my…he’s getting off on being able to force you to do whatever he wants.

Run, Ana. Run for the hills.

In which Kate becomes way over-involved in Ana’s date preparation, and Christian introduces Ana to Charlie Tango

A kiss is just a kiss

[Christian] hasn’t mentioned the outburst of passion that exploded in the elevator. Should I? Should we talk about it or pretend it didn’t happen? (p80)

Oh Ana, you should totally talk about it! Men love it when women want to exhaustively over-analyse brief moments of physical contact. Especially when they’re trying to back out of a tight parking space.

Friends don’t let friends drive horny

Why won’t he kiss me again? I pout at the thought. I don’t understand. (p82)

Because he’s freakin’
driving the car
, you moron.

Things that sound good until you picture someone actually doing them (6)

Under Kate’s tireless and frankly intrusive instruction, my legs and underarms are shaved to perfection, my eyebrows plucked, and I am buffed all over. It has been a most unpleasant experience. But she assures me this is what men expect these days. (p85)

1. Ana, unless you’ve been living under a rock your entire life and / or never took gym at school, you should already know Western females shave their legs and underarms, at regular intervals, from early puberty onwards.
   

2. I can therefore only conclude that “what men expect these days” is the removal of your pubic hair.