Lightning Rods (20 page)

Before she could make up her mind the door of the cubicle swung slowly open, and a girl from Supplies walked out. Her face was streaked with tears.

“Diane,” said Lucille. “What’s the
matter
?”

“I’ve done something terrible,” said Diane, dissolving into tears once more. “And now I’ve done it I can’t ever undo it. I can’t ever be someone who never did it.” Tears dripped steadily onto her blouse. “I want to get married, but how can I do a thing like that to Don?”

“A thing like what?” said Lucille.

“Like letting . . . ”

Diane wiped her face with the back of her hand.

“Here, have a tissue,” said Lucille.

Diane dried her face with the tissue.

“I was at my wits’ end,” said Diane. “I didn’t know what to do. All I needed was three credits to complete my physiotherapy qualification and then my mother lost her job and if I didn’t help her she was going to lose her house and I just, it just seemed like everyone was depending on me, and when this opportunity came along at the time it looked like the answer to a prayer.”

“Well, I don’t know what it is you’ve done, or think you’ve done,” said Lucille. “And it’s obviously none of my business. But in my opinion you should just let bygones be bygones. Whatever it is, don’t let it spoil your life. If you’ve met someone you want to spend your life with, just think of that as a fresh start and put whatever it is behind you.”

“Yes, but you don’t
understand
,” said Diane. “It’s not that
easy
.” She spat out a description of the lightning rod facility in a way that was only too obviously not the attitude of the woman in a thousand who saw it as no different from holding hands.

Lucille could see she was expected to be shocked and horrified and surprised. Some people might have acted shocked and horrified and surprised just to throw off suspicion; that wasn’t her way. Lucille never bothered to pretend anything she didn’t feel; it was too much trouble. If you’re going to go around trying to provide people with the reaction you think they want you’re going to drive yourself insane. Why bother.

“I see,” said Lucille. “Well, obviously if it hasn’t worked out for you it might be time to quit. It isn’t for everyone. I know quite a few women who’ve tried it, and some of them found it harder to deal with than they expected.”

Maybe that would calm her down. If people went around having hysterics it was going to do the business no good at all.

Diane was staring at her openmouthed. “You know
other
people who do this?” she said.

“Obviously if you’re thinking of getting married you may want to give it up,” said Lucille.

“But,” said Diane. “How can I do this to Don?”

“Does he think you’re a virgin?” asked Lucille.

“No but—”

“Well then there’s no reason for him to know, is there?”

Diane opened her mouth.

“Look,” Lucille said firmly. “You go to the bathroom every day of your life.”

“Yes but—”

“There’s no
secret
about it. It’s common knowledge. But you wouldn’t expect to share every little detail with your loved ones.”

“No but—”

”You’re not planning to tell him every time you change a tampon.”

“No but—”

“If you ask me,” said Lucille, “this is a lot less unfaithful than sleeping with someone you know, where Don would have reason to be jealous. Here, you’ve made the physical act about as close as it can
get
to just going to the bathroom.”

Diane was still crying quietly.

Lucille handed her another tissue, thinking
Where
does he
get
them?

The fact was, as Joe could have told her, that there simply weren’t enough qualified applicants to fill the positions.

MISS PERFECT

As any salesman knows, you think you’ve covered all the angles and all of a sudden when you least expect it out of left field comes a boomerang.

One day Joe was sitting in the office waiting for his 11 o’clock appointment, and at 10:58 this black gal came in.

“I’m afraid I have an 11 o’clock appointment,” he said politely.

“I’m a couple of minutes early. I’m Renée.” She held out her hand. He stood up and shook it thinking
Shit
.

He had advertised for a crème-de-la-crème PA. On the surface of it this might look like unnecessary extravagance: If you use somebody like that as a lightning rod, you’re talking a 100% increase on a $50,000 salary. Whereas if you used a couple of data inputters, say, you’d get twice the coverage for your dollar.

What he’d decided was that this was a shortsighted way of looking at it.

If you talk to people from an older generation, one of the things they comment on is the fact that it’s just not possible to get the same quality of secretary that you could get thirty or forty years ago. Time was you could get a bright gal out of college and she’d get a job as a secretary, sometimes she’d marry and settle down and raise a family, sometimes she’d make a career of it. Well, nobody wants to go back to the days when that was all she
could
do. If a woman is able to do the same job as a man, why shouldn’t she do it, and get paid accordingly? But the fact of the matter is, it’s had some consequences, and the business world hasn’t really faced up to those consequences.

A man who has worked his way to the top of a multi-million dollar operation needs first-class support. Like as not he’s dealing with an international concern; he needs to be able to delegate to somebody who isn’t looking to take over his job. Time was, he could have
gotten
that support. Today, the kind of person who would be qualified to give that level of support just isn’t interested. It’s partly the money, and partly the fact that the job isn’t going anywhere.

Well, you can’t do a heck of a lot about the prospects. Trouble is, you can’t do a heck of a lot about the money, either. Because there’s no way shareholders are going to stand still for a secretary making $100,000 a year. Plus, all the guys on the career track in the company are going to get pissed off. Any CEO worth his salt knows a top-drawer PA can make more of a contribution to the company than some jack-ass vice president, but just because you know something like that doesn’t mean you can
say
it, let alone put your money where your mouth is. One of the first things any manager has to learn is the importance of staff morale.

The result is that sooner or later the PA decides to jump ship. She knows she’s never going to make top dollar, so it’s Sayonara baby.

What he had speculated, anyway, was that if you offered somebody the chance to fulfill that role and make double the going rate, she would find switching over to middle management a lot less attractive.

The other thing was that there was an important principle at stake. It was important that lightning rods should be drawn from every tier of an organization. Because if you start economizing, if you start saying you’re only going to use low-level personnel, sooner or later that’s going to stigmatize that whole branch of employment and you’re going to have a major problem on your hands.

So he had advertised for a personal assistant to a CEO of a major company, and he had made a few appointments, and the first appointment was for 11 in the morning. He had already had a look at the résumé and been impressed. And now in walked this gal.

She was dressed the way you’d expect someone who planned to work at that level to dress. She was wearing low-heeled Gucci shoes, and a beige cashmere dress, and a silk scarf, and a gold watch. He thought
Jesus
.

“If you’ll just fill out this form,” he said.

She took out a La Cross pen and filled out the form and handed it back to him.

“Thank you,” he said. “And now we’ll just get the skills out of the way. There’s a word processor in the next room. The program will take you through the tests.”

She stood up and walked into the glassed-off cubicle. He could hear a couple of light clicks as she accessed the menu and made her choices. And suddenly it was like a plague of invisible locusts filling the room with their clattering wings. It was like a radio tapdance revival. It was like the dregs of satellite TV, the kind of program that shows 500 simultaneous ping pong matches
live
, and
only
on Channel Who Gives a Fuck. It was like, more worryingly, someone typing 100 wpm. With no mistakes.

She took the typing test, and the word processing test, and the spreadsheet test, and the slideshow test. She took the numeric keypad test and the shorthand test. She took the spelling test, and the alphabetizing test, and the grammar test. Then she sent the tests to print, and they printed out on a printer behind Joe’s desk.

Joe pulled a sheet of paper off the printer and looked at it. Typing. Speed: 120 wpm. Errors: 0. Word processing: Points out of a possible 100: 100. Spreadsheet: Points out of a possible 100: 100.

He cast an eye over the remaining tests, which were similarly demoralizing.

“This is very impressive, Renée,” he said.

“Thank you,” she said, sitting down again.

“The only thing is, to tell the truth, I’m wondering whether this is really what you’re looking for,” he said.

“I think I’m the best judge of that, don’t you?” said Renée. “Why don’t you tell me something about it?”

“Well, the thing is,” said Joe.

“You’ve already made up your mind, haven’t you?” she said crisply. “You’ve wasted my time bringing me in for an interview, and now you’ve made up your mind.”

“You don’t understand,” said Joe.

“I certainly do understand.”

“I know what it looks like.”

“What does it look like?”

“But it’s exactly the opposite. You’re obviously a very bright gal, I just don’t think you’d be interested in the type of position we’re looking to fill.”

“Indeed,” said Renée. “Well, all I can say is, what it looks like right now is that you’re in flagrant violation of the Equal Employment Opportunities Act.”

“I know that’s what it looks like,” said Joe, “but.”

“What exactly is it in my qualifications that you think makes me unfit for this job?”

Sometimes the best thing you can do is just come right out and tell the truth.

“Let me explain about the job,” said Joe. He explained about the job.

“So as you can see,” said Joe, “with the best will in the world, if we were to hire an African-American the anonymity which is an essential part of the scheme would be destroyed. There’s nothing wrong with your qualifications. On the contrary. But we simply have no means of protecting your anonymity in the way that we can protect Caucasian members of the program. I’m sure you can see that it would be very unpleasant for you to have all the men in the office who had made use of the facility coming up to your desk and knowing that you had provided the facility.”

The face across the desk from him gave him a look that could have turned a man to stone.

“Do you expect me to believe this?” she asked. “Do you expect me to believe a
word
of this? I’ve never heard of anything so ridiculous in my life. If this is the best you can do I can only assume that you
have
no legitimate quarrel with my qualifications, that you most certainly
are
in violation of the Equal Employment Opportunities Act, and that the
best
place to pursue the discussion is in
court
.”

“Look,” said Joe. “Let’s not do anything hasty. Let me call one of the girls. I’ll have one of the girls come in and explain it to you. Believe me, no one could be sorrier than I am to have taken up your time unnecessarily, and if you like I’ll be happy to reimburse you for the morning’s work. I realize this is all very new, but I can assure you it’s exactly as I’ve said.”

And without giving her a chance to reply he picked up the phone and dialed a number. Lucille answered on the first ring.

“Lucille,” he said thankfully. “Look, I’m in the middle of a crisis. Could you take an early lunch hour and come down to the office?”

“What is this regarding?” asked Lucille.

“I, uh, I need you to confirm to a job applicant that the job is as I’ve described it to her and would not be suitable for an African-American applicant as we would not be able to protect her anonymity.”

“I see,” said Lucille. “In other words, you’re asking me to give up the protection
I’m
entitled to in order to explain it to someone who doesn’t like the fact that you’ve wasted her time.”

“Uh,” said Joe.

“I assume you’re planning to offer me some sort of compensation?” said Lucille.

“Uh,” said Joe.

“A thousand dollars,” said Lucille.

“What?” said Joe.

“It’s entirely up to you,” said Lucille.