Lilly's Wedding Quilt (28 page)

“Besides,” Alice said, happily pairing socks and dropping them in the basket, “I’ve seen how he looks at you.”

Lilly cocked her head. “How?”

“Like he wants to spend the rest of his life with you.”

L
illy urged Ruler into a trot. she’d finished the school day with a certain resolve in her heart that had been strengthened by hours of silent, ongoing prayer. She turned down the lane to the Williamses’ farm and felt her heart pound within her chest. She was grateful to see that Grant’s buggy was gone, meaning he was probably out on a call. Perhaps it would make things easier.

She took a deep breath as she knocked on the front door, half hoping that no one would answer. But the glass of the door reverberated a bit with the approach of hurried footsteps, and Lilly was soon met with the smiling face of Mrs. Bustle. She knew the
Englisch
Bustles, as everyone in the community did. The elderly couple was like Grant Williams’s extended family and often came for visits from Philadelphia.

“Well, if it isn’t the schoolteacher! Mrs. Wyse now, correct? Please come in.”

Lilly stepped inside, unsure of how to proceed with her sensitive errand if the older woman was present.

“How are you and Mr. Bustle?”

“Fine. Just fine. And now we’re doubly happy to visit when Sarah is—” The good woman broke off, clearly flustered by what Lilly knew she’d nearly revealed and wondered what such suppressed joy must feel like.

“Ah, I mean … would you like to see Sarah? Or did you need the doctor for one of your animals? He’s out on a call right now.”

“Sarah, actually. Please.”

“Just come with me then.” The woman turned and lived up to her name by moving quickly across the hardwoods. Lilly followed, feeling an increasing uncertainty as she passed through the immaculate rooms of the old farmhouse. The place had such a domestic yet cultured feel about it, something in the stray piece of furniture or muted color of the walls that was still just a little bit
Englisch
as befitting Grant’s upbringing.

But there was nothing so domestically Amish as the sight of the home’s mistress in flour up to her elbows as she stood at the kitchen table.

“Lilly! What a wonderful surprise. We were just making raisin-filled cookies.”

Lilly looked into the beautiful face of the girl opposite her. Here was Jacob’s fantasy, the shadow of his true love, both immersed in life and carrying it within her. It seemed a futile thing in Lilly’s mind to even try and compete with the vitality and real beauty of Sarah Williams, a vision of the past or not. Yet that was not why she’d come. She let her eyes stray to Mrs. Bustle and wondered how she’d ever say what she needed to.

Sarah must have sensed her discomfort because she made a sudden exclamation.

“
Ach
, I nearly forgot.”

“What is it, dear?” Mrs. Bustle asked with concern.

“The mail. Grant was expecting some medicine samples. Perhaps Lilly and I will walk down the drive and—”

“You’ll do no such thing,” Mrs. Bustle interjected. “I’ll go myself this moment. I’ll not have you running down the lane after some fool medicine when you could easily slip and …” The woman’s voice faded to an indistinct mumble, followed by the sound of the front door closing.

“I’m sorry, Lilly. It seemed like you wanted to talk or something, but maybe you’ll think me silly.”

Lilly shook her head. “
Nee
. You’re right.” She plunged on before she lost her nerve. “The truth is, Sarah, that I’ve come to talk to you about something difficult.”

“Difficult? What do you mean?” Sarah wiped her arms with a dish towel and pulled a chair away from the kitchen table. “Here, please sit down.”

Lilly sat but kept her hands clenched in the lap of her cloak. She didn’t know what to do with the chaotic mixture of feelings that whirled around within her. Now that she was there, she didn’t know how she was even going to begin. Should she tell how she despised Sarah for showing up in her husband’s dreams? For being beautiful? Perfect? Everything Jacob wanted?

Or would she say what a good Amish woman should say? That she’s trying to trust
Derr Herr
with her marriage.

What she really wanted was to say—as well as believe—was what she had thought and prayed about for days.

“Can I get you some tea?” Sarah interrupted the swirl of her thoughts.

“That would be nice,” Lilly said, thankful for the few extra moments before she’d have to speak. But then, maybe she’d just have a little casual visit, then leave without ever exposing her fears and sadness to this beautiful woman. Of course, Jacob would love her. Lilly could not compete with someone as lovely and sweet and demure as Sarah Williams.

Sarah placed a plate of freshly baked raisin-filled cookies in the center of the table. She poured hot tea from the kettle on the stove into two mugs and set one in front of each of them. She returned the kettle to its place and sat in the chair closest to the stove so that she could easily be a good hostess if her guest needed anything else.

“They smell delicious,” Lilly said, lifting a cookie from the plate and taking a warm, gooey bite.

“My mother’s recipe,” Sarah said. “We often begged her to make them as we grew up.”

The front door banged as Mrs. Bustle returned from her short jaunt to the mailbox. She burst into the kitchen, a large padded envelope in her hand. “Here’s something,” she said, moving right on through presumably to deposit it on Grant’s desk. “I’ll be going upstairs to have a read if you don’t mind, girls. I’m sure you can visit without me.”

Lilly was both relieved and distressed at the announcement. Now she had no excuse except fear and cowardice to not speak the truth to Sarah.

“Go on ahead,” Sarah called to Mrs. Bustle. She smiled at Lilly. “She is so funny. Everything she does is different from anyone I’ve ever known. Yet you can’t help but love her immediately.”

She picked up a cookie and began to eat it. “You know, Lilly, I’m very happy for you and Jacob.”

“Truly?” Lilly asked, searching her face for a sign that she was putting on a false cover to hide the truth. Yet all Lilly could see was an open, honest, lovely face, a happiness exuding from her.

“It took me awhile, though.”

Lilly swallowed. “Why?”

“Because Jacob found his true love and it wasn’t me.”

“But you were already married when we became engaged.”

“Yes I was. Don’t misunderstand me. I love my husband dearly. There isn’t a day that goes by that I am not profoundly grateful to
Derr Herr
for giving me the perfect husband.”

“Then why—”

“I suppose that although I was married to Grant, I still enjoyed knowing that Jacob loved me. A silly schoolgirl idea that a nice boy desires my company.” She shook her head. “Foolish, foolish. But sometimes the heart doesn’t make sense, does it?”

Lilly felt much of her fear drain away.

Sarah continued. “But then he became quickly engaged to someone beautiful. Someone much smarter than me. A woman with a job and not afraid of people or what they might think. You have always been someone I’ve admired, Lilly. You’re so different from me and so right for Jacob.”

Lilly put her cookie down on a napkin. she’d placed her tea to one side, stunned. Not knowing what to say.

“Lilly, I’ve known Jacob all my life. We’ve been such
gut
friends. I probably know him better than anyone except his brother.” She put her hand up. “Again, don’t misunderstand me. We were never intimate in any way except our laughter and sharing.”

Lilly took a bite of her
appenditlich
cookie, hoping that would help Sarah to continue.

“But somehow, I knew truly that I was never the right girl to be his
fraa
. And then, when he chose you, I felt you were so right for him.”

“Thank you, Sarah. I … I don’t know what to say. I never thought you’d felt that way about me.”

“I should have told you sooner perhaps. You’re not angry with me for my foolish, jealous thoughts?”

Lilly started to laugh, but only a bit, until she had to take a deep breath and confess her own thoughts. “No, Sarah, I’m not angry. I’m surprised. You see, I came to tell you that I’ve been jealous of you and your relationship with Jacob. I … I’ve confessed it before God and I believed it only right to confess it to you as well. I’ve not been much of a friend in my thoughts toward you, and I want you to know that I’m sorry.”

She drew a shaky breath and saw that Sarah’s face only held concern and gentleness. “Lilly, it’s so funny, really—how people think. What they think when they’re really honest with themselves and with each other. I think evil has its way so much in the world because we refuse to tell the truth, be brave, and speak to one another in love. If we had not spoken, we would have let evil put an unseen wall between us.”

“And we would have missed the truth. I don’t want to be angry with you, Sarah. That is why I came. I hope you can forgive me.”

“I will.” Sarah raised her mug. Before taking a sip she said, “Maybe this truth telling could become a habit between us, Lilly Wyse. I would dearly love a new best friend.”

Lilly felt the glacier of her jealousy begin to melt away in the light of Sarah’s obvious sincerity.

“I’d like a new friend too,” she replied with honesty. “Thank you, Sarah—for listening. For helping me to see.”

Sarah rose and came around the table to hug her, and Lilly found herself returning the heartening embrace.

“
Ach
, Sarah … there’s one more thing—Jacob told me that—well, about the new
boppli
you carry. Congratulations to you and Grant.”

“Oh,
danki
, Lilly. I’m so excited and
naerfich
.” Sarah smiled as she pulled away.

“You will be a wonderful
mamm
.”

Sarah squeezed her hands. “Thank you, my
freind
. Please come for a visit anytime, Lilly.”

“You too, Sarah. Really.”

W
hat exactly is your problem today?” Seth asked in a conversational tone.

“Nothing.”

“Uh-huh … well then, married life must not agree with you real well, because you’re meaner than that cat of
grossmudder’s
who takes your eyebrows off whenever …”

“Not today, Seth.”

“All right, all right.”

Jacob walked to the other side of the round pen where they were training a two-year-old Country Saddler to get used to pulling a buggy. He didn’t mean to snap but he’d had no chance to talk with Lilly; she’d been gone before he was awake, leaving him breakfast warming and no note. Not that he’d be able to decipher it anyway. Truth was, he was mad at himself for losing his temper and still mad at her for not trusting him.

He glanced up at the racket. Seth had attached a tire rim to a rope fastened to the horse’s harness. The clatter of the rim along the ground was meant to simulate the metal wheels of the buggy and allow the animal the chance to become accustomed to the noise.

Jacob automatically gave the horse some praise as he circled past, patting the animal’s rump and muttering low in his throat. Then he tried a vocal command they’d been working on.

He yelled, “Ho!” and the horse paused, slowing, but still not stopping completely.

“Let’s take off the tire rim,” Jacob called. “He’s not ready yet. We’ll just work with the carrot stick and basic commands today.”

Seth moved toward the horse while Jacob gathered up the metal garbage-can lids he’d hoped they might use to create sound once training had progressed. He took the lids back into the barn and laid them on a shelf as a realization hit him.

He needed to be as patient in his marriage as he was with his work. The irony of the bishop’s wedding vow question came back to him, and he frowned. He hadn’t really been as gracious and generous in spirit to his own wife as he was being to the young horse outside. And how would he have felt if he’d heard gossip about Lilly and—his throat caught—Seth. The memory of his brother holding Lilly made his throat ache, and suddenly he understood.

L
illy couldn’t help clasping and unclasping her gloved hands as Jacob drove the horse and buggy toward Lockport Hospital in the light of the wintry afternoon.

Finally Jacob’s hand came down to cover hers, and she looked at him.

“I’m sorry, Lilly, about last night. I shouldn’t have been sarcastic. I know I hurt your feelings.”

Lilly breathed a sigh of relief. she’d prayed throughout the day as to how to handle the situation with Jacob, knowing that she should never have given in to the poison of Mrs. Zook’s tongue. And her visit with Sarah had helped so much.
So right for Jacob
. The words echoed in her mind and allowed her the ease of forgiveness she might not have been able to give otherwise.

“Oh, Jacob, you’ve done so much for me and what you’ve offered for Abel. Please forgive me for doubting you. And … I have to tell you.” She paused, gathering courage to speak. “I went to visit Sarah.”

“You did? What about?”

“About my feelings of being jealous. I wanted to confess that to her and to wish her well with the baby.”

Jacob shook his head.

“What?” she asked.

“Lilly, you’re amazing to me. I tell you that I understand how you must feel and you leapfrog over my simple answers to something so much more real. Do you know what courage you have? How you face life head-on? You might want to be free sometimes, but there is already something free and wild in you. Call it your spirit or your soul. It just … it calls to me.”

She sat silent beneath the praise of his words, drinking them in.

“Lilly, I did see Sarah yesterday, for less than two minutes. And, you should know, I felt nothing, nothing special at all.”

She turned to him with a half smile playing around her lips.

“Do you know what, Jacob Wyse? I choose to believe that—at least, I think I do.”

He nodded, tightening the reins as he navigated around a slight corner. “And that is more than enough for me, Lilly. The fact is that I’m honored to wait until you’ll give me more of your trust, when I’ve had the chance to earn it.”

Lilly studied his profile; there was no doubting the sincerity of his voice. Dare she believe the whole of his words? If Jacob was no longer in love with Sarah, then perhaps …