Lincoln County Series 1-3 (14 page)

How could he reach out to her and maintain distance at the same time? The temptation to care about her more than he should was too great a struggle. Constantly, he pleaded with God to take these emotions from him. It was inadvisable to garner personal feelings for Cameron, with her wounded soul exposed. He would not crush her spirit. She’d been hurt enough by the men in her life, he’d not be one of them.

He found her with a plate of uneaten food in front of her. “Good morning,” Andrew greeted. “Would you mind if I joined you?”

“That would be fine,” Cameron said, picking at a slice of ham.

After a moment of wondering if she wanted to be in his presence, he attempted a shot at conversation. “Are you enjoying Sunday services?”

“I like the story of Moses, and of Daniel and the Lions’ Den.” Her response was quiet, thoughtful.

“You know that they are not just stories, don’t you? Those things really happened, and those people were real people.”

“Yes, I know. Though it is hard to believe.” She sat up a little, showing interest in their discussion.

The door he’d been praying for was beginning to open.

“As true as those stories are—He’s the same today. He cares about us today and has plans for us today, just as He did way back then.”

“Can someone sin too much?” Cameron’s eyes watered, seemingly tormented at such a thought.

Compassion filled him. He wanted her to be free from whatever it was that plagued her—all the while wondering why on earth God would choose him to spiritually advise the very girl he fought hard not to love. It was all he could do to not touch her, to not take her into his arms and comfort her by telling her everything was going to be all right.

“He forgives anyone who asks.”

She contemplated. “Is this why you seem to have so much peace? Or is it because you know so much about God?”

His laugh was more like a shudder. “I have much to know and still to learn about Him. I fail all the time. It’s what we do with ourselves
when
we fail that determines an everlasting relationship with Him, or not.”

“I think that I would fail all the time.” Her voice was soft, serious. She looked at him. “I want to feel different. I feel suffocated. I feel lonely. I do not belong anywhere, and mostly, I...I feel unclean.” She looked down shamefully.

Andrew was taken aback by her last comment. Somehow he never put it together that this might be the case with her, that her purity might be lost.

He tried to squelch the anger that rose in him, desperately trying hard not to show it on his face. Not now. She would clearly misunderstand and would think that this was one of her big sins. He closed his eyes briefly. He felt robbed of something that didn’t even belong to him and reminded himself of the words he had spoken moments ago.

“Nothing is too big for God to forgive. Always remember that.” He wanted to be done. He didn’t want to have this discussion anymore.

Cameron drew the napkin from her lap and placed it onto the table. “Thank you,” she said softly.

As he watched her walk away, sorrow, pain, and nausea lined the pit of his stomach. He had no right to be upset with her for doing something she hadn’t known better than to do. Internally he fought, trying not to resent God for allowing these feelings in the first place. He needed God now, as a man, more then he thought he’d ever needed Him before as a Reverend.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Cameron walked into the Gun Shop and smiled shyly at the baldheaded man behind the glass gun case. He stood attentively, ready to serve.

“Is Mr. Collins here?” She asked.

“Certainly, allow me to fetch him for you, miss.”

“If you could just show me where he is?”

“Right through there and around the corner, you can’t miss it.”

She tapped softly on the door and when Jake looked up from his desk she went in. “Lacey told me you would be here today.”

He stood. “Cameron.”

“I wanted to...to see you.” she looked up into his bearded face. His eyes were softer than the last time she saw him. “It’s not right that you should stay away from Lacey’s. She misses you and I don’t want to keep you from each other. The same goes for Andrew.”

He was quiet. The edgy silence made her feel foolish for coming.

“Is that why you think I haven’t come around?” He didn’t sound pleased with her suggestion. “I haven’t been around for a number of reasons. Would you like to hear them?”

She nodded.

“I’ve been bounty hunting,” he said.

She was surprised.

He smiled his old, easy smile.

“Oh,” she said. Could she feel more foolish? She was sure red was creeping up her neck, cheeks and forehead.

“That’s only one reason.”

“It’s...really...I shouldn’t have come.”

Jake held up his palm to her, breaking her interruption. “It’s true I’ve been gone, but I also can’t bear the thought of what you must think of me. There’s that, and it’s hard knowing about you and Andrew, simply because he’s a good man and much better for you than I will or would ever be.”

Her mouth dropped. She was utterly stunned at his words. “What?”

“I don’t know how I got in Charlotte’s room that night, Cameron. I swear I don’t,” he replied, misunderstanding her. He put repentant eyes on her. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Andrew? And me?”

*** *** ***

Everything about her expressed bewilderment—the high pitched sound of her voice, confused expression, a hand placed dramatically over her heart. Jake tried to stay calm. He didn’t care to be made a fool of and was darned if he would allow her to feign ignorance as to what he was talking about. He sat back in his chair and waited for her acting spree to finish. She was quite impressive.

“What do you mean, you had no idea how you got into her room? She didn’t carry you did she?” She narrowed her eyes at him, showing anger and jealousy. This he could handle, it was her wounded, hurt-filled eyes of that night that he couldn’t.

He would humor her for the moment, for her attempt to distract from Mr. Preacher. “Like I said, I had every intention of coming up to your room.”

She raised an eyebrow, disbelief written all over. He stood up tall in his defense, refusing to be shut down. “You must know that Charlotte...” He stopped. How could he say what he was about to say without sounding arrogant?

“Yes?” She pressed.

“Charlotte doesn’t like to share me. Wait, that came out all wrong! I was done with her long before I came to know you.”

“I know,” she said.

“Don’t you think it odd that after I told her we were finished, and she, knowing I was with you, would try to...”

“I get it,” she said angrily. “Why on earth would a
whore
want to bed someone who’s already bedding someone else?” She stood up again, shaking.

“I’m telling you the truth!” He swore loudly, making her cringe. “Let’s not forget that I wasn’t but a few days out of your life when you sure didn’t waste any time getting close to Andrew.” Jake’s jealousy was betraying him, manifesting itself. “And don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about,” he added, disgusted with her and with himself.

He looked into her honeyed eyes. He missed the fragrance of her hair, the sound of her laughter. “I wasn’t with her. I know I wasn’t.”

“Jake,” Cameron said gently, “there is nothing but friendship between Andrew and I.”

He looked hard at her, to catch her in a lie.

“So that’s it?” he asked.

“I need to share something with you that is not easy to say.” She reached out and grabbed hold his hand. “I expected you to fill my emptiness and that isn’t right. I have been tossed aside by so many people in my life and there you were, accepting me. We met each other with a level of...intimacy...” Cameron withdrew her hand, but he pulled it back and held it tight.

“Of course you’re right about all of this.” He wondered when she got so mature. Unfortunately it appealed to him all the more.

“We have to get past this,” she said boldly. “Don’t you believe I still think about you?”

He burned his eyes into hers, surprised at her words. “I will keep my hands off of you, I promise.”

So badly, he wanted to touch the loose hair that fell onto her forehead. He was already regretting this conversation. This was going to be harder to do than driving a thousand head of cattle through the driest desert.

“Don’t be a stranger to the restaurant, your friends miss you.”

“Of course,” he said, flexing his hands free, forcing them to stay at his sides.

She gave him an innocent, quick hug and fled. Jake felt the cool air blow in from outside and inch into his office, breaking down the lingering touches Cameron left on him. When she wrapped her arms around him, as brief as it was, she’d left her mark.

Chapter Twenty-Four

That evening, an emotional exhaustion fell over Cameron but she pressed on, forcing her way through serving customers with a smile on her face. As the last person left, she observed out loud, “Lacey is awfully cheery tonight”

Patsy shrugged. “Maybe she’s got somethin’ to be happy about.”

Cameron finished her work, ready to be done for the night. She massaged her lower back with her fists.

Lacey entered the room wearing a white fur coat with matching earmuffs and hand warmer. She was also carrying an extra coat and gloves. She smiled big and handed Cameron the items. “Put these on. I have a surprise for you.”

She looked around. “What’s this?”

“You can’t ask any questions,” Lacey ordered.

Cameron grinned, hesitation fading away. “All right. Have it your way.”

“I intend to.”

Cameron acquiesced and donned her coat and gloves.

“Wait.” Lacey held up a blindfold. “It’s just for a moment.”

Her giggling friend led her out the front door. Cameron heard a horse snort and figured they were not alone.

Lacey took off the blindfold and Cameron looked up to see two sleighs parked in the middle of the street. One had Jake as the driver and the other had Andrew, two of the most strikingly opposite men in Kansas. Both men had on top hats, white gloves and black cravats. She couldn’t see their shirts because of winter coats, but she guessed them to be dressed up underneath. Both sleighs had four lanterns hung up around them and in each of the cranberry colored seats were large, fluffy quilts for added warmth. Sheriff Ed Randall stood beside the sleighs ready to escort the ladies aboard.

Cameron put a gloved finger over her mouth, concealing her smile. Jake looked outrageously out of place in his Eastern attire. Andrew, however, fit it perfectly well. As their differences became more obvious, she recalled Jake’s words…
Andrew is the better man.

“Ladies, if you will.” The sheriff bowed, gesturing them inside by a slow swish of his arm, acting his part well.

Cameron was informed they were headed to Andrew’s for the evening, and never having seen his home before, her curiosity was peaked. She nestled back into the soft blankets and looked forward to having a wonderful evening at best.

There was more food spread out on Andrew’s tables than they would ever eat but it was all so delightful. A tiered tray containing a variety of cookies decorated the center of a large table. Small cakes and dishes of candies filled the area around it. On the second table was a feast containing hot beef roast, baked sweet potatoes, fried chicken, green beans, corn and biscuits.

Cameron gasped. “What on earth is all of this for? Is it someone’s birthday?” It was as if everyone was watching and waiting for her response.

“It’s for you,” Lacey said softly.

“Why would you all do this for me?” She let out a short, disbelieving laugh and her eyes started to well.

“You’ve been so sad ever since you came back from Thomas’s. Andrew and I, quite frankly, all of us, couldn’t stand it any longer. We want to see you smile again, so this is for purely selfish reasons as you can see.” Lacey came up and squeezed Cameron’s hands. “Please, don’t be angry.”

“How can she be angry?” Ed asked. “She should be sad more often, then we’ll all get a party!”

Lacey shushed him, nudging him with her elbow.

“I cannot, truly cannot, ever thank you enough. I don’t believe any of you has an idea of what this means to me.” Cameron looked at each one of the precious people in her life. They’d misjudged her despondence, thinking it was because of Thomas. But she’d accepted that there was not one particular person meant to make her life complete. She’d decided to let go of Thomas, Jake and her past, and a weight had lifted. The hole was still there but also hope that it would be filled somehow. She knew there had to be something else, even if it felt out of reach.