Lines We Forget (25 page)

“So humble, isn’t he?” Eddie chimes in to quiet laughter from a table at the front.

“I’m going to play something that I think is pretty self-explanatory. I mean, it’s almost Friday, it’s almost the weekend, and well, I guess you can figure out the rest.”

The anticipation hangs in the space between Charlie and the tables, and Anna feels like her heart might explode at any moment from her own jitters and delight at seeing him back up there, ready to play and steal everyone’s hearts.

Slowly he strums. “I hope you enjoy it. Sing along if you know the words.”

With baited breath she watches as he starts to sing, and instantly she finds herself floored. It’s another classic that she’s not heard in years. One that her parents would play out loud in the car, and hum along to. They’d sing back to each other—“Friday, I’m in Love”. A true love song for the ages, they’d called it.

Charlie continues to sing wonderfully, albeit in between nervous laughter and forgetting some of the lyrics. In such an intimate setting, Anna finds herself muttering, “Oh God, Charlie, what are you doing to me?” because the small crowd starts to whistle along and his passionate delivery of such a beautiful melody gives her a feeling like she’s never experienced before.

And when he looks dead ahead and meets her gaze, she wonders why her cheeks ache so much before realising she’s been smiling like a lovesick fool the whole time. Head titled to one side, in awe and admiration. Struck by his choice of song, with words like poetry that he belts out so effortlessly as if firing arrows straight at her heart.

Anna quickly notices that the loud-mouthed woman from before has turned round to see whom he’s singing to, as if he’s shone a spotlight on her just with the beauty of his words. She can’t be sure of it, but she likes to think that the woman’s wishing it were her sat in his line of sight. The lucky muse to such a serenade.

Not that it really matters, not when Charlie, just five minutes in, captivates the crowd so easily with his modest showmanship. It’s cheesy as hell but she loves it, really. Taken in hook, line, and sinker by the way he shakes his hair about, his goofy, sweet mannerisms endearing when he clearly forgets and stumbles to hit a low note. Eventually pulling it together to end on a high.

All she can do is quietly chuckle as heat rises up from her toes to the top of her head when a round of applause vibrates through the floorboards.

Deliriously happy with what she’s just heard and witnessed, she decides he is exactly what her heart has always wanted. It doesn’t matter if it takes time to make it right again or what day of the week it is, even if it is a Friday, because she’s never fallen out love.

Anna still loves Charlie. That she is sure of more than anything, and so with courage and the same intensity he’d shown her only moments before, she resolves to tell him again, once and for all.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Charlie

December 4
th
2010

Giving the door a firm push with the sole of his shoe, Charlie turns the key in the lock and slowly ushers Anna inside with reluctance.

He worries about switching on the light and having her there for the first time. In his new flat, which he realises as she walks into a pile of letters on the carpet isn’t particularly tidy or somewhere ideal to bring back the girl of all his dreams.

Still, he fumbles for the switch and hopes that some of the washing has been put away and that the kitchen table is clear and not covered in broken strings, old mugs of tea, or junk.

“Really sorry about this,” he sighs as Anna’s eyes scan the small kitchen and lounge. “I’m still in the process of sorting everything out. I’ve acquired a lot more junk than I’d realised. Don’t usually have many guests over.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry. You should see my new room. Now
that
is a total pigsty.”

He senses that she’s a bit tipsy, still high on making the most of a Friday night, which she’d insisted on back at the bar once he rejoined her. After she told him breathlessly and giddily how she’d been quite taken aback by his choice of song and performance. How she’d ordered another round of drinks and suggested they continue the night elsewhere, maybe another watering hole or, as it transpired, maybe back at his.

Charlie hadn’t put up any resistance because he wanted to enjoy her company more and listen to her talk. To admire the way she kept looking at him as if he was the only thing in her world. But going back to his made him nervous too. Thoughts of what might happen once they did spinning through his mind. He wondered if perhaps his hopes might finally come true.

Anna, however, seems to have other ideas. She perches beside his wash rack and asks if he has anything warm to drink.

“My hands are still so numb from this crazy weather,” she says as he ignores the crate of beer in the fridge, fetching a carton of milk instead to make hot chocolate.

“It is rather cold out. I’ve put the heating on but it’ll take a while to get going.”

She shrugs her shoulders. “A nice warm drink will do. Shouldn’t have any more alcohol tonight. I’m slowly learning that my idea of one too many is actually really like five too many.”

Flicking the kettle switch, he hangs up his jacket and offers to give her a brief tour whilst it boils. Almost goes in to take one of her hands until he sees that she’s got them balled up, blowing warm breath into them.

“So this is the lounge. Not much going on here. I got a new sofa, though, and Eddie sold me his old flat screen,” he tells her, leading away from the mess to show her the bathroom and his bedroom, which he’s thankfully kept tidy.

It feels weird to have her in there, stood by his double bed and so close to the drawer with a picture of them in happier times propped up on it. He hopes she won’t notice it in the dim light.

“What happened to your guitar?” she asks, pointing to the one that lies under his bed.

Charlie explains how it got knocked about in transit whilst moving in. “Got to get it fixed or buy a new one. Shame, really, as I’ve had that one for years.”

“Oh dear, I liked that one too.” Anna sighs and he wonders if she’s thinking about all the history that came with it and all the times he’d sat and serenaded her. But then again, maybe she’s tried hard to forget, and so he quickly ushers her out.

“It’s a really nice flat. You’ve done well,” she replies once the steam has risen from the kettle and she’s taken a seat by the table. “More spacious than the last, but cosy still, homely.”

“Something like that,” he mumbles back, absentmindedly trying to scoop out just the right amount of cocoa powder to fill up her mug. Only remembering at the last minute to add in two sugars, the way she always takes hot drinks.

It’s then he hears the chair scrape on the wooden floor and feels her presence close, can smell her sweet perfume and the faint scent of gin.

Quietly she asks, “So what’s going on, Charlie?”

“I’m making us hot chocolate?”

Anna groans, and when he turns round she’s rubbing the bridge of her nose and her head’s bowed low. Something’s not right.

“That’s not what I meant. I was talking about
us
. You and me.”

“I don’t know if I follow what you mean exactly.”

“
Us
, Charlie—doing this whole ‘hey look, we’re just friends’ routine. I’m not sure I can keep going along with it, pretending like that’s all we might be.”

He wonders if she’s been reading his mind, if she can tell how feels. Maybe playing an old song earlier, one fraught with meaning, has helped her realise just how in love with her he still is.

Arms now folded tight against her chest, Anna looks up and whispers, “I can’t ignore my feelings anymore. I need to know what’s going on. If you feel it too.”

And Charlie doesn’t mean to but he replies a little too strongly. “Well, what do you want?” Instantly regretting the fact he sounds more angry instead of sympathetic.

“What do I want?” she repeats. “Isn’t that obvious?”

“I…I don’t know.”

“You, Charlie.
I want you.
It’s the truth and it’s confusing and often frustrating but also exciting and wonderful, like I’ve properly woken up. Realised that I let the best thing I had slip away and that I might, perhaps, have another shot at getting it back.”

Stopping to stir the hot chocolate so that the spoon spins on alone, he allows her words to sink in. Anna leans back against the worktop and fiddles with her bracelet, shifting on her feet, waiting for him to say something until she can’t stand the silence any longer.

“Trust me. I tried to stay away, thought it might be too hard to see you again. Because maybe you were done, didn’t want to even know me after everything, but I just had to find out for sure.”

He tries to say
me too
but she keeps going, and he figures she’s got a lot on her mind that needs to be released so he stays quiet.

“I’m sorry. So unbelievably sorry for all the shitty things I did and the way I treated you, when we together and apart. For how I pushed you away and for all the arguments. Honestly, I was just scared, the worry and all the guilt from leaving ate away and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Anna, look—”

“When I say I want you, I know it sounds hollow now and I can’t even stand here and promise that everything will work out forever and forever. And I don’t want to intrude on your new life, but I need to tell you that I miss you, and if there’s a chance, any chance to be with you again, then I’ll take it,” Anna says, holding on to the counter behind her like she needs to keep herself upright, as if what’s on her mind might threaten to knock her over. “I couldn’t forgive myself for not giving it another go. If I just walked away again.”

“Anna, I know,” Charlie replies, looking her straight in the eye, but she’s on a roll and doesn’t appear to even notice, takes another deep breath.

“I never stopped thinking about you. Not even for a day, even when I tried my hardest to, and I realise now that I should have told you more. Made you aware that you drive me crazy in the best possible way. And I hate how it ended, and that I wasn’t grown up enough to take responsibility for us falling apart. That I never told you how I really felt, and how I never wanted to lose you.”

He steps forward to close the gap between them so she can hear exactly what he wants and needs to say. If only so he can get her to just look at him, so she knows there’s no need to worry about such things.

Because he doesn’t want to just be friends and he doesn’t care about what they are supposed to do or think or feel. He wants her to know without any doubt that he thinks about her non-stop. That she doesn’t have to trade all her feelings alone.

Before he can, Anna slides past him and reaches over to take hold of the spoon, wrapping her delicate fingers tight round the mug as she brings it close to her lips.

“The future really freaks me out, Charlie. I have no idea what might happen, but it just feels less scary if there’s a possibility that you’ll be there, in it. With me.”

When she’s taken a small sip she sighs heavily to finish. “Things feel like they might just be falling into place, but there’s one thing missing and that’s you.”

“Anna, please, if you’d just—”

“But I understand if that’s not the way you feel and I know I’m rambling on and you can’t get a word in and I’m sorry for that but just tell me if you don’t feel the same. It’s okay, I can handle it…I think.”

A moment passes that feels like forever but is only really a few seconds as Charlie pulls the mug of hot chocolate away from her grasp. The contents splash out as he rests it on the counter. He doesn’t want anything to be a distraction, so that all her attention can focus on what he says as he stands there and trades his own feelings, truthfully, once and for all.

“Anna,” he begins as her eyes widen, finally meeting his. “I didn’t stop loving you. I just had to press pause and work out what I wanted. The thought of you reappearing back in my life felt like it would only be a hopeful wish, a dream that I knew I shouldn’t count on but did anyway.”

He feels her warm breath tickle his neck as he speaks, and he’s amazed that she’s not talking for once, just listening quietly.

“And I thought about you all the time, and how I should have done things differently. Dealt better with you being back home, and all the shit that happened in between. I still want you; I mean, all I want to do is be near you. Hell, since you’ve come back it’s the only thing I can seem to think about.” As he takes a moment to process the way her eyes have started to water, Charlie gathers the courage he needs in order to confess something else she deserves to know. He has to tell her about Emily so there will be nothing left hidden, so she can fully understand that there isn’t anyone that could compare, before or since.

“I know it’s not easy to hear, but I met someone recently,” he explains slowly and very carefully. “And it sounds awful but as nice as she is, it’s not what I want. It was just another way to fill the gap, because I was lonely and still trying to pretend that I didn’t need you. It was nice for a bit, but that didn’t stop me thinking about you all the time, and even though I knew you were long gone I couldn’t help it. I thought this other person might make me forget but she didn’t and it wasn’t the same. Now I know why it never felt right.”

“Charlie—”

“It didn’t feel right because I was just hoping and wishing and waiting for you.” He’s sure he can hear just how fast Anna’s heart’s beating even if it’s not pressed up to him, and his own speeds up as she weaves her fingers through his belt loops to pull him closer.

Lost in her deep brown eyes, he whispers, “I never forgot. I tried and I lost sleep over it but really, how could I?”

With strength that surprises him, Charlie lifts her up onto the counter, pulling her hips to his, which sends the pot of cocoa powder tumbling down to the floor. Her hands push back to clear space and the wash rack and dishcloths end up beside his feet in a flurry.

“I know there’s still so much left to figure out and so much to catch up on and make up for, but I’m willing to try and I won’t give up, not again,” he says, loving the way her skin feels softly familiar, and how he’s inches away from her lips, how her breathing is fast and electric just like his own.

And then he kisses her like it’s the first time and like it won’t ever be the last.

Delicately to start with, until Anna bites his lip and the lingering, sweet chocolate taste as she does gives him the desire to kiss back harder. Charlie finds the drag of her fingertips through his hair, how she pulls at the collar of his shirt, a wild and wonderful turn on. It makes his legs weak and head dizzy.

“I’ve missed this.
All of this.
All of
you
,” he whispers, leaving a light trail of kisses along her collarbone that’s exposed and inviting. She pushes her chest against his and her legs wrap round his waist with urgency. Her skin is hot to the touch and her back arches as he lifts the hem of her dress.

Charlie feels like his whole world is swaying as the intensity of her mouth on his spreads to the rest of his body. Anna keeps on kissing him like her whole existence is close to tumbling away too.

Like everything around them has gone silent, all he can hear is the way she’s repeating his name on the corners of his mouth every time he traces the soft spot at the base of her spine.

Anna’s hair spills down all around and he can’t remember why on earth he ever thought he’d be able to live without her. It never made sense to have foolishly sought the same kind of love and affection from another.

When the heating kicks in and sends the boiler into overdrive, he carries her to the sofa in one swift motion, leaving a trail of their winter warmth, her dress and tights, his shirt and shoes, and all inhibitions behind.