Linger (3 page)

• COLE •

I was human.

I was bleary, exhausted, confused. I didn't know where I was. I knew I'd lost more time since I'd last been awake; I must've shifted back to a wolf again. Groaning, I rolled onto my back and clenched and unclenched my fists, trying out my strength.

The early morning forest was absolutely freezing, mist hanging in the air, turning everything light gold. Close to me, the damp trunks of pine trees jutted from the haze, black and severe. Within a few feet, they turned to pastel blue and then disappeared entirely in the white fog.

I was lying in the damn mud; I could feel my shoulders coated and crackling with it. When I lifted my hand to brush off my skin, my fingers were coated as well — a thin, anemic clay that looked like baby poop. My hands stank like the lake, and sure enough, I could hear water slowly lapping very close to my left side. I reached out a hand and felt more mud, then water on my fingertips.

How did I get here? I remembered running with the pack, then shifting, but I couldn't remember making it to the shore. I
must've shifted back again. To wolf, and then to human. The logic of it — or rather, the lack of logic — was maddening. Beck had told me the shifts would get more controlled, eventually. So where was the control?

I lay there, my muscles starting to tremble, the cold pinching my skin, and knew that I was going to shift back to a wolf soon. God, I was tired. Stretching my shaking hands above my head, I marveled at the smooth, unmarked skin of my arms, most of the scarring of my former life gone. I was being reborn in five-minute intervals.

I heard movement in the woods near me, and I turned my face, my cheek against the ground, to see if it belonged to a threat. Close by, a white wolf watched me, halfway behind a tree, her coat tinted gold and pink in the rising morning sun. Her green eyes, strangely pensive, met mine for a long moment. There was something about the way she was looking at me that felt unfamiliar. Human eyes without judgment or jealousy or pity or anger; just silent consideration.

I didn't know how it made me feel.

“What are you looking at?” I snarled.

Without a sound, she slid into the mist.

My body jerked on its own accord, and my skin twisted into another form.

 

I didn't know how much time I'd spent as a wolf this go-round. Was it minutes? Hours? Days? It was late morning. I didn't feel human, but I wasn't wolf, either. I hovered somewhere in between, my mind skating from memory to present and back to memory again, past and present equally lucid.

Somehow my brain darted from my seventeenth birthday to the night my heart stopped beating at Club Josephine. And that's where it stayed. Not a night I would've chosen to relive.

 

This was who I was, before I was a wolf: I was Cole St. Clair, and I was NARKOTIKA.

Outside, the Toronto night was cold enough to ice over puddles and choke you with your own frigid breath, but inside the warehouse that was Club Josephine, it was hot as Hades, and it would be even hotter upstairs with the crowd.

And there was a hell of a crowd.

It was a huge deal, but it was a gig I didn't even want to do. There wasn't really any other kind these days. They all ran together until all I could remember were gigs where I was high and gigs where I wasn't and gigs where I had to pee the whole time. Even when I was playing the music on the stage, I was still chasing something — some idea of life and fame that I'd imagined for myself when I was sixteen — but I was losing interest in actually finding it.

While I was carrying in my keyboard, some girl who called herself Jackie gave us some pills I'd never seen before.

“Cole,” she whispered in my ear, as if she knew me instead of just my name. “Cole, this will take you places you haven't been.”

“Baby,” I said, shifting my duffle so that I wouldn't hit it on the rat's maze of walls beneath the dance floor, “it takes a lot to do that these days.”

She smiled wide, teeth tinted yellow in the dull light, like she knew a secret. She smelled like lemons. “Don't worry — I know what you need.”

I almost laughed, but instead I turned away, shouldering my way through a half-closed door. I looked over Jackie's highlighted hair to shout, “Vic, c'mon!” I dropped my gaze back to her. “Are
you
on it?”

Jackie ran a finger up my arm, tracing around the tight sleeve of my T-shirt. “I'd be doing more than just smiling at you if I was.”

I reached down and touched her hand, tapping it until she understood what I meant and opened her palm. It was empty, but she reached into the pocket of her jeans to pull out a wad of plastic wrap. Inside, I saw a collection of electric-green pills, each stamped with two
T
s. They got an A-plus for pretty factor, but who knew what they were.

In my pocket, my phone buzzed. Normally I would've let it go to voicemail, but Jackie, standing two inches away from me, breathing my air, gave me an incentive to interrupt the conversation. I fished the phone out and put it against my ear. “Da.”

“Cole, I'm glad I got you.” It was Berlin, my agent. His voice was gritty and fast as always. “Listen to this: ‘NARKOTIKA takes the scene by force with their latest album,
13all
. Brilliant but frenetic front man Cole St. Clair, thought by many to be losing his edge' — sorry, man, that's just what they said — ‘comes back stronger than ever with this release, proving that his first release, at sixteen, was no fluke. The three —' are you listening, Cole?”

“No,” I said.

“Well, you should. This is Elliot Fry saying this,” Berlin said. When I didn't reply, he said, “Remember, Elliot Fry, who called you a surly, overactive toddler with a keyboard? That Elliot Fry. Now you guys are golden. Total turnaround. You've arrived, man.”

“Brilliant,” I said, and hung up on him. I turned to Jackie. “I'll take the whole bag. Tell Victor. He's my purse.”

So Victor paid for them. But I'd asked for them, so I guess it was still my fault.

Or maybe it was Jackie's, for not telling us what they were, but that was Club Josephine for you. The place to find the new high before anyone knew how high it took you. Unnamed pills, brand-new powders, shining mysterious nectar in vials. It wasn't the worst thing I'd made Victor do.

Back in the dim lounge, waiting to go on, Victor swallowed one of the green pills with a beer while Jeremy-my-body-is-a-temple watched him and drank green tea. I took a few of them with a Pepsi. I don't know how many. I was feeling pretty bitter about the transaction by the time we got onto the stage. Jackie's stuff was letting me down — I was feeling absolutely nothing. We started our set, and the crowd was wild, pressed up against the stage, arms outstretched, screaming our name.

Behind his drums, Victor screamed back at them. He was high as a kite, so whatever Jackie had sold us had done it for him. But then it never took as much to get Victor high. The strobes lit up bits and pieces of the audience — a neck here, a flash of lips, a thigh wrapped around another dancer. My head pounded in time with the beat that Victor laid down, my heart
scudding double time. I reached up to slide my headset from my neck to my ears, my fingers brushing the hot skin of my neck, and girls began to scream my name.

There was this one girl my eyes kept finding for some reason, skin stark white against her black tank top. She howled my name as if it was physically painful for her, her pupils dilated so wide that her eyes looked black and depthless. She reminded me of Victor's sister inexplicably, something about the curve of her nose or the way her jeans were slung so low, held up by nothing but the suggestion of hips, though there was no way Angie would be anywhere near a club like this.

Suddenly I didn't feel like being there. There was no longer a rush at hearing my name screamed, and the music wasn't as loud as my heart, so it hardly seemed important.

This was where I was supposed to come in, singing to break the nonstop take-you-to-the-moon pattern of Victor's beat, but I didn't feel like it, and Victor was too gone to notice. He was dancing in place, fixed to the ground only by the drumsticks in his hands.

Right in front of me, among a throng of bare midriffs and sweaty arms thrust into the air, there was a guy who didn't move. Illuminated sporadically by the strobes and lasers, I was fascinated by how he stayed still, despite the press of bodies all around him. He held his ground and watched me, his eyebrows drawn down low over his eyes.

When I looked back at him, I remembered again that scent of home, far away from Toronto.

I wondered if he was real. I wondered if anything in this whole damned place was real.

He crossed his arms over his chest, watching me while my heart scrabbled to escape.

I should have been paying more attention to keeping it in my chest. My pulse sped, and then my heart burst free in an explosion of heat; my face smacked against the keyboard, which wailed out a pulse of sound. I grabbed for the keys with a hand that no longer belonged to me.

Lying on the stage, my cheek setting fire to the ground, I saw Victor giving me this withering look, like he'd finally noticed that I'd missed my cue.

And then I closed my eyes on the stage of Club Josephine.

I was done being NARKOTIKA. I was done being Cole St. Clair.

• GRACE •

“You know,” Isabel said, “when I told you to call me on the weekend, I didn't mean for you to call me so we could go tramping through the trees in subfreezing temperatures.”

She frowned at me, looking pale and oddly at home in these cold spring woods, wearing a white parka with a fur-lined hood that framed her slender face and icy eyes, a sort of lost Nordic princess.

“It's not subfreezing,” I said, knocking a clod of soft snow off the sole of my boot. “All things considered, it's not bad. And you wanted to get out of the house, didn't you?”

It really wasn't bad. It was warm enough that the snow had mostly melted in the areas where the sun could reach, and it was only under the trees that patches remained. The few degrees of extra warmth lent a gentler look to the landscape, infusing the grays of winter with color. Though the cold still numbed the end of my nose, my fingers were snug inside their gloves.

“You should be leading the way, actually,” I said. “You're the one who's seen them here.” These woods that stretched behind Isabel's parents' house were unfamiliar to me. A lot of pines
and some kind of straight-up-and-down, gray-barked trees that I didn't know. I was sure Sam would've been able to identify them.

“Well, it's not like I've gone jaunting in the woods after them before,” Isabel replied, but she walked a little faster until she was caught up with me and we were walking side by side, separated by a yard or two, stepping over fallen logs and underbrush. “I just know they always appeared on that side of the yard, and I've heard them howl in the direction of the lake.”

“Two Island Lake?” I asked. “Is that far from here?”

“Feels far,” Isabel complained. “So what is it we're doing here? Scaring wolves away? Looking for Olivia? If I had known Sam was going to squeal to you like a little girl about this, I wouldn't have said anything.”

“All of the above,” I said. “Except the squealing bit. Sam's just worried. I don't think that's unreasonable.”

“Right. Whatever. Do you think there's a real chance Olivia could've changed already? Because if there's not, maybe we could take a morning stroll back to my car to get a coffee somewhere instead.”

I pushed a branch out of my way and squinted; I thought I could see the shimmer of water through the trees. “Sam said it's not too early for a new wolf to change, at least for a little bit. When it gets to be a warm snap. Like today. Maybe.”

“Okay, but we're getting coffee after we don't find her.” Isabel pointed. “Look, the lake's up there. Happy?”

“Mmm hmm.” I frowned, noticing suddenly that the trees were different than before. Evenly spaced and farther apart, with tangled, soft, relatively new growth for underbrush. I stopped
short when I saw color peeking out of the dull brown thatch at our feet. A crocus — a little finger of purple with an almost-hidden throat of yellow. A few inches away, I spied more bright green shoots coming up through the old leaves, and two more blossoms. Signs of spring — and, more than that, signs of human occupation — in the middle of the forest. I felt like kneeling to touch the petals of the crocus, to confirm that they were real. But Isabel's watchful eyes kept me standing. “What is this place?”

Isabel stepped over a branch to stand beside me and looked down at the patch of brave little flowers. “Oh, that. Back in the glory days of our house, before we lived here, I guess the owners had a walkway down to the lake and a little garden thing here. There are benches closer to the water, and a statue.”

“Can we see it?” I asked, fascinated by the idea of a hidden, overgrown world.

“We're here. There's one of the benches.” Isabel led me a few feet closer to the pond and kicked a concrete bench with her boot. It was streaked with thin green moss and the occasional flattened bloom of orange lichen, and I might not have noticed it without Isabel's direction. Once I knew where to look, however, it was easy to see what the shape of the sitting area had been — there was another bench a few feet away, and a small statue of a woman with her hands brought up to her mouth as if with wonder, her face pointed toward the lake. More flower bulbs, their shoots bright green and rubbery-looking, poked up around the statue's base and the benches, and I saw a few more crocuses in the patchy snow beyond. Beside me, Isabel scuffed her foot through the leaves. “And look, down here. This is
stone under here. Like a patio or something, I guess. I found it last year.”

I kicked at the leaves like she did, and sure enough, my toe scuffed stone. Our true purpose momentarily forgotten, I scraped at the leaves, uncovering a wet, dirty patch of ground. “Isabel, this isn't just stone. Look. It's a … a …” I couldn't think of what to call the swirling pattern of stones.

“Mosaic,” Isabel finished, looking down at the complicated circles at her feet.

I knelt and scraped a few of the stones bare with a stick. They were mostly natural colored, but there were a few chips of brilliant blue or red tiles in there as well. I uncovered more of the mosaic, revealing a swirling pattern with a smiling, archaic-looking sun in the middle. It made me feel odd, this shining face hidden under matted rotting leaves. “Sam would love this,” I said.

“Where is he?” Isabel asked.

“Checking out the woods behind Beck's house. He should've come with us.” I could already picture the curve of his eyebrows, close over his eyes, as he saw the mosaic and the statue for the first time. This was the sort of thing Sam lived for.

An object beneath the bench before me caught my attention, however, pulling me back to the real world. A slender, dull white … bone. I reached out and picked it up, looking at the gnaw marks on it. As I did, I realized there were more scattered around the bench, half buried in the leaves. Pushed partway underneath the bench was a glass bowl, stained and chipped, but obviously no antique. It took me only half a moment to realize what it was.

I stood up and faced Isabel. “You've been feeding them, haven't you?”

Isabel glowered at me, looking petulant, and didn't answer.

I retrieved the bowl and shook out the two leaves that lay curled in the bottom of it. “What have you been feeding them?”

“Babies,” Isabel said.

I gave her a look.

“Meat. I'm not an idiot. And only when it was really cold. For all I know, the stupid raccoons have been eating it.” She sounded defiant — angry, almost. I had been planning to goad her about her hidden compassion, but the raw edge to her voice made me stop.

Instead I said, “Or carnivorous deer. Looking to add some protein to their diet.”

Isabel smiled a small smile; it always looked a bit more like a smirk. “I thought Bigfoot, perhaps.”

We both jumped as a high-pitched cry, like an eerie laugh, came from the lake, followed by a splash.

“Christ,” Isabel said, her hand on her stomach.

I took a deep breath. “A loon. We scared it.”

“Wildlife is overrated. Anyway, I don't think Olivia's near here if
we
scared the loon. I think a wolf changing into a girl would be a little louder than we're being.”

I had to admit her theory made sense. And the fact was that I still wasn't sure how we were going to handle Olivia's sudden return to Mercy Falls, so a tiny part of me was relieved.

“So we can go get coffee now?”

“Yeah,” I replied, but I moved across the hidden patio toward the lake. Once you knew the mosaic was underneath your feet, it was easy to feel how unforgiving the surface was; how unlike the natural forest floor. I walked over to stand by the statue of the woman and pressed my fingers to my lips when I saw the view. It wasn't until after I'd taken in the still lake framed by naked trees and the black-headed loon floating on its surface that I realized I was unconsciously mimicking the statue's look of eternal wonder. “Have you seen this?”

Isabel joined me. “Nature,” she said dismissively. “Buy the postcard. Let's go.”

But my gaze had drifted downward to the forest floor. My heart sped. “Isabel,” I whispered, frozen.

On the other side of the statue, a wolf was lying in the leaves, its gray pelt nearly the same color as the dead foliage. I could just see the edge of its black nose and the curve of one of its ears rising out of the leaves.

“It's dead,” Isabel said, not bothering to whisper. “Look, there's a leaf sitting on it. It's been there awhile.”

My heart was still thumping; I had to remind myself that Olivia had become a white wolf, not gray. And that Sam was a boy, safely trapped in his human body. This wolf couldn't be either of them.

But it could be Beck. Olivia and Sam were the only ones that mattered to me, but Beck would matter to Sam. He was a gray wolf.

Please don't be Beck.

Swallowing, I knelt next to it while Isabel stood beside me and shuffled in the leaves. Carefully plucking the leaf that
covered part of the wolf's face, I felt the coarse fur brush the side of my hand, even through my gloves. I watched the banded gray, black, and white hairs keep moving for a second after I lifted my palm. Then I gently opened the half-lidded eye on the side closest to me. A dull gray eye, very unwolflike, stared at some place far beyond me. Not Beck's eye. Relieved, I rocked back on my heels and looked at Isabel.

At the same time that I said, “I wonder who it was,” Isabel said, “I wonder what killed it.”

I ran my hands over the length of its body — the wolf lay on its side, front legs crossed, back legs crossed, tail spread out behind it like a flag at half-mast. I bit my lip, then said, “I don't see any blood.”

“Turn it over,” Isabel suggested.

Gently, I took the wolf's legs and flipped it onto its other side; the body was only a little stiff — despite the leaf that had dropped onto its face, the wolf hadn't been dead long. I winced in anticipation of a gruesome discovery. But there was no visible injury on the other side, either.

“Maybe it was old age,” I said. My friend Rachel had had a dog when we first met: a grizzled old golden retriever with a muzzle painted snowy white by age.

“The wolf doesn't look old,” Isabel said.

“Sam said that the wolves die after about fifteen years of not shifting back and forth,” I said. “Maybe that's what happened.”

I lifted the wolf's muzzle to see if I could spot any telltale gray or white hairs on it. I heard Isabel's disgusted noise before I saw the reason for it. Dried red blood stained the wolf's
muzzle — I thought it might be from a previous kill, until I realized that the side of the wolf's jaw that had been resting on the ground was caked with blood, too. It was the wolf's blood.

I swallowed again, feeling a little sick. I didn't really want Isabel thinking I was queasy, though, so I said, “Hit by a car and came here?”

Isabel made a noise in the back of her throat, either disgust or contempt. “No. Look at the nose.”

She was right; there were twin trails of blood coming from the wolf's nostrils, running down to join the old smear across the lips.

I couldn't seem to stop looking at it. If Isabel hadn't been there, I don't know how long I would've crouched there, its muzzle in my hands, looking at this wolf — this person — who had died with his own blood crusted on his face.

But Isabel was there. So I laid the wolf's face carefully back onto the ground. With one gloved finger, I stroked the smooth hair on the side of the wolf's face. Morbidly, I wanted to look at the other side again, the bloody one.

“Do you think there was something wrong with it?” I asked.

“Ya think?” Isabel replied. Then she shrugged. “Could just be a nosebleed. Do wolves get nosebleeds? They can make you yak if you look up when you have one.”

My stomach was tight with misgiving.

“Grace. Come on. Head trauma could do that, too. Or animals picking at it after it died. Or any number of disgusting things to think about before lunch. Point is, it's dead. The end.”

I looked at the lifeless gray eye. “Maybe we should bury it.”

“
Maybe
we can have coffee first,” Isabel said.

I stood up, brushing the dirt off my knees. I had the nagging feeling you get when you leave something undone, a prickling anxiety. Maybe Sam would know more. I kept my voice light and said, “
Okay.
Let's go get warmed up and I'll call Sam. He can come look at it afterward.”

“Wait,” Isabel said. She got out her cell phone, aimed it at the wolf, and clicked a photo. “Let's try using our brains. Welcome to technology, Grace.”

I looked at the screen on her phone. The wolf's face, glazed with blood in real life, looked ordinary and unharmed through the cell phone's view. If I hadn't seen the wolf in the flesh, I would've never known there was anything wrong.