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CHAPTER 35

With Deborah it was harder, Rose found. Hardest. Jacinta came with her, because
Liv wants me to meet her friend Fleur
, and the presence of the three girls talking and laughing in Olivia’s room warmed the atmosphere of the house. But then they took the dogs to the park, leaving Rose perched at the kitchen bench with an awkward silence. Deborah had offered her mother an assortment of teas and coffee but had not made one for herself, nor had she sat down once since Rose arrived, keeping herself busy with little chores. On the floor beside the bench sat a plastic bucket containing several large bunches of flowers, and now Deborah hoisted it up and stood there meticulously preparing all these flowers and arranging them in the vases she’d got down from a high shelf. Stem by painstaking stem. She was facing her mother but Rose wondered if the activity had been planned precisely so that Deborah could avoid looking at her as much as possible.

They talked about Deborah’s work, mostly, and politics. Deborah asked her mother a lot of questions about the British parties, how they were perceived, and especially about the new system
of government in Scotland. Rose silently thanked her lucky stars that she had some good friends who lived in the Borders, south of Edinburgh, both ardent nationalists who had regaled her with the workings of the Scottish system over many a boozy dinner, so she was able to sound quite knowledgeable. Deborah became more and more interested, even animated: it was plain where her passions lay. While they talked, Rose observed her eldest daughter. She was striking to look at. Beautiful, in a spare, sculpted sort of way. But she looked tired, too. Sad. A little gaunt.

When the flowers had all finally been arranged, Deborah said abruptly, ‘Right then. Let’s go for a walk and catch up with those girls, shall we? It’ll be nice and shady over in the park now.’

As they entered the park with its huge elms towering over long avenues and picnicking groups, Deborah said, not looking at her mother, ‘That email you sent everyone about the letters. Where you asked them to go easy on me. Thanks for that.’

‘Oh. I… I felt it was the only thing to do, really,’ said Rose, startled. ‘I mean, I’d caused the whole sorry business in the first place, hadn’t I?’

‘Yes,’ said Deborah bluntly. ‘You had.’

They walked on in silence. Just as they caught sight of the three girls sitting under a group of trees, throwing a ball for Mintie and Fly-by, Deborah said, ‘Did you tell the others about my email? The one I wrote when I was pissed?’

‘About your letters to me? No, I didn’t. I felt… It wasn’t my place. It was too…’

‘Too what? Soppy? Dripping with gooey sentiment?’

‘No!’ Rose stopped, and Deborah did, too, although still she didn’t look at her mother. ‘Just too private, that’s all.’

‘Okay. Well, thanks. Hi, girls!’ Deborah called, lifting one arm in the air to attract their attention and striding ahead. Clearly the subject was closed. Rose followed her slowly. How could Deborah describe her naked confession of such painful emotions as
dripping with gooey sentiment
? How could someone deride their own deep feelings so bitterly? It shocked her. Then, thankfully, the girls enveloped them in their game with the dogs, their talk, their laughter, too delightfully self-absorbed to notice that Deborah and Rose were both a little remote.

As they were leaving the park Rose screwed up her courage and asked Deborah quietly, ‘Those letters you wrote… do you think you might show them to me, one day?’

Deborah gave her a speculative look. ‘Maybe. I don’t know that you’d want to read them, really. There’s a hell of a lot of crap in them, you know. Hurt. Anger. Resentment. All sorts of lovely things.’

‘I’d still like to read them. I should know.’

Deborah pursed her mouth and nodded, but it was not necessarily a nod of agreement or consent.

They went to dinner at a local pizza place. The girls were allowed a glass of wine each and got quite silly. It was a fun end to the evening and Rose was much relieved, since the rest of her visit had been so strained.

Rose was in the car outside the house, waiting for the girls nattering on the footpath to finish making their arrangements. Deborah stepped forward and leaned her hip against the driver’s door. Arms folded, she said in a considering tone, ‘It’ll take a while, I guess.’

‘For what? For us to… get to know each other again?’

‘Mmm. And being on the other side of the world doesn’t help.’

‘I suppose not. But we can be in touch, Deborah, if you want to. We can email. We can phone, if you like.’

‘Phone. Email. Don’t you think it’ll take more than that?’

‘But… I
do
live in England, and it
is
on the other side of the world. And you’re here, and you have your life and your family here…’

‘My family!’ said Deborah. ‘You know what? The best thing I could do for my family right now is just to give them a break. A break from me.’

‘Oh, Deborah. Don’t say that.’

‘Yes! I’m not being melodramatic, it’s true!’ Deborah turned to
face her mother properly for the first time. She gripped the edge of the open car window tightly. ‘If I came,’ she said urgently, ‘If I came and lived in the UK for a while, do you think…Would you want to see me? Do you think?’

‘Yes, of
course
!’ Rose said, placing her hand on top of her daughter’s, pressing it. ‘Could you? Is that possible?’

‘Yes. Yes, it is,’ Deborah said. Just then the girls wound up their farewells and Jacinta clambered into the passenger seat. Deborah released her grip and shoved herself away from the car door with both hands. She stood back in the roadway and gave her mother a wry, enigmatic smile. ‘Well, see you in a couple of days then, on Christmas Eve. At Dad’s place.’

‘Yes. But can you tell me…’

Deborah shook her head. ‘Later, maybe,’ she said. ‘Bye!’

‘Bye, Liv! Bye, Fleur! See you soon!’ yelled Jacinta from the passenger’s window as they drove off. For a few minutes Jacinta chattered ebulliently and then there was silence. Rose glanced across and saw that the girl had fallen fast asleep, like a tired child. She drove on through the summer night, along the sporadically familiar streets. She wiped at her face with the palm of one hand. Tears were coursing down her cheeks and she was glad no one was there to ask,
Rose, why are you crying?
because she wouldn’t have known how to answer. She wouldn’t know where to begin.

Deb sat at the outside table, drinking her way through most of a bottle of a wine. For the first time since all this had begun, more than a year ago now, she felt outside the storm. At last, a breathing space. A little window to look through, and consider.

The dogs snoozed on the paving at her feet; Olivia had gone to spend the night at Fleur’s. Deborah drank slowly and steadily. As her position gradually became clearer, so did her options. And the best and most effective strategy.

In order for my life to move forward
, she thought,
I have to take a step sideways. In order not to be diminished, I have to be bigger than I am.

When the bottle was empty she stood up and stretched. ‘Yes!’ she said in a loud, definite voice. Mintie lifted her head sleepily; a silent cat walking delicately along the top of the fence froze, waiting. ‘I’m going to do it!’

CHAPTER 36

On the morning of the family gathering, Rose was gripped by spasms of panic.
Christmas Eve!
It was almost macabre! To gather everyone together on the exact anniversary of the night she had walked out on her former life, so eager to grab her own future and so careless of the futures of her husband and children. Oh, what had possessed her to arrange this trip
now
? What had she been
thinking
? She hadn’t been thinking, that was it. As usual, she castigated herself, it was a case of act in haste, repent at leisure. But there was no help for it now, the arrangements were all made – and there could be no running away this time.

The day was hot, another reminder of that long-ago Christmas Eve, but a mild change came through in the late afternoon. Rose still felt jittery when she arrived at Alex’s house with Roland, James and Silver. Jacinta had spent the afternoon there helping Meredith and Laurence with the preparations. They walked around to the back of the house and Rose took a deep breath and started to relax. Alex’s garden was a beautiful oasis, the shadows just starting to creep onto the green lawns, the floral beds a riot of colour. Tinsel had been strung here
and there through shrubs and branches, even through the wire netting of the chook pen, and fairy lights that would glimmer and twinkle as the evening came on. The laden fruit trees formed a romantic shady backdrop.
Thank heavens he has this still
, Rose thought, watching as Alex picked peaches straight from the tree for Alexa and Bianca.
He will always be a happy man if he has his garden.
She thought of how fiercely she had resented all the time he spent in the garden, when she was an impatient young woman itching for more.
Ah well!

Trestle tables had been set up in the shade, covered with plain white paper on which Meredith had drawn in crayon the wise men and their star, shepherds and angels, a baby in a low crib, his parents and the barn animals looking on – but the faces of the Nativity characters were the faces of her own family, and the dogs faithfully guarding the crib were Mintie and Fly-by and dear old departed Banjo. Flowers had been scattered here and there amid the drawings; it seemed a shame to cover them with the platters of food.

Robert fired up the barbecue and before too long was calling out for everyone to come and get their steaks, chops, snags, and a prawn or two if they were quick! For the next few minutes people were occupied loading their plates and finding a place to sit, and while they were settling themselves Deborah approached Olivia, seated in a canvas director’s chair with her two dogs behind her.

‘I think now’s the right time,’ said Deborah.

‘Do you? Okay,’ Olivia said. ‘You still want me to, you know, announce you?’

‘Yes, please, if you wouldn’t mind.’

‘Okay.’ Olivia stood up and put her plate on the seat of her chair, shooting a stern
Don’t even think about it!
look at the lurking Fly-by. She picked up a glass tumbler and a fork and, stepping to the centre of the garden, began tapping the glass to make the sound of a bell.

‘Hello! Everybody!’ she called. ‘If I could have your attention please!’
Ding, ding, ding!
‘My mum, Deborah that is, has something important that she’d like to tell you all.’

The gathering quieted quickly. Olivia sat down and Deborah took her place in the centre of the lawn, the eyes of her family on her and every face lit with interest.

‘Well, thank you,’ she began, sounding a little nervous. ‘Thank you all for coming, and thanks to Dad for having us here, and to Meredith and everyone for making it all look so special. And welcome to our visitors, especially thank
you
for being here!’ She raised the glass she was clutching in the direction of Rose and Roland, and there was a general glad acknowledging murmur. ‘It’s Christmas Eve, nearly the end of the year, and it’s been a very interesting year for all of us. A big year. And for me it’s been a
really
big year!’ She stopped a moment and looked around. James smiled at her, curious, encouraging.

‘A lot’s happened, and I’ve had to face up to a lot of things,’ Deborah went on. ‘A lot of things about this family, and myself. There’s a saying, isn’t there, about how no one is indispensable? If there isn’t, there ought to be! That was my biggest mistake: I forgot that.’

Some people frowned, and some smiled. Deborah looked hard at the grass at her feet for a few moments, and then lifted her head.

‘Well, I’ve got over that. No one,
including me
, is indispensable! Life goes on, that’s the important thing, and just to prove it, I want to announce that you’ll all have to do without me for a while! I’ve accepted a secondment to a government position in Scotland. I’m leaving in a few weeks, in mid-January, and I’ll be away for a year, living in Edinburgh.’

Amid the general exclamations, Alex could be heard commenting approvingly, ‘Edinburgh, that’s good! My grandfather went to the university in Edinburgh.’

‘During which time,’ Deborah continued, ‘Olivia’s father will live in our house with his new partner Marion, so that Olivia’s life and schooling won’t be interrupted – except of course by the arrival of her new little brother or sister, since Marion and Angus’s baby is due at the end of March. And I want you all to know that I wish them all
well, I really do. I wish… I wish all of them and all of you the very best of good luck and good health. And a merry Christmas!’

She raised her glass a second time, as for a toast, and everyone raised their glasses, too, and called, ‘Cheers!’ and, ‘Merry Christmas!’, and Alex said, ‘Here here!’, and someone called, ‘Good for you, Deb!’. Deborah went over to James, who was smiling and patting the seat beside him in invitation. She made a relieved face as she sat down; he kissed her cheek, and she tilted her head to rest it momentarily on his shoulder. Meredith had put her own dinner aside and brought a laden plate of food over to her sister, squatting next to her and putting a hand on her knee.

‘That is such incredible news, Deb,’ she said. ‘A year in Scotland! Wow!’

‘It
is
pretty amazing, isn’t it? When it came up, I just thought… you know, the timing, everything… I’m very lucky, Meredith, I know I am. I couldn’t go away for a year now, for instance, if you weren’t here with Dad.’

‘Well, we’re
both
doing what we want, then! Even better!’ said Meredith chirpily.

About an hour after that, when everyone had finished eating, and the dogs were chewing quietly on the chop bones, and the plates had been gathered up and the leftovers taken indoors, just as darkness was creeping into the garden and people were starting to make going-home noises, Olivia noticed Uncle Robert going around to each of his siblings. Judging by his eager look and their attentiveness and then the nods, he was suggesting something. She watched, curious, as they gathered on the lawn and turned to face the rest of the family. Robert took up a glass and a piece of cutlery, just as Olivia had done earlier, to ding like a bell and attract everyone’s attention.