Little Fires Everywhere (31 page)

For now, the idea still forming in his mind, he said only, “We'll see how things shake out.”

“I feel bad for her,” Lexie said suddenly from the far end of the table. “Bebe, I mean. She must feel so awful.”

“I'm sorry,” said Izzy, “is this the same Bebe that you referred to last month as a negligent mother?”

Lexie flushed. “She should've taken better care of the baby,” she admitted. “But I dunno. I wonder if she just got in over her head. If she didn't know what she was getting into.”

“And that's why pregnancy is not something to be taken lightly,” Mrs. Richardson cut in. “You hear me, Alexandra Grace? Isabelle Marie?” She lifted the dish of green beans and helped herself to an almond-sprinkled spoonful. “Of course having a baby is difficult. It's life changing. Clearly Bebe wasn't ready for it, practically or emotionally. And that might be the best argument for giving the baby to Linda and Mark.”

“So one mistake, and that's it?” Lexie said. “I'm not ready to have a baby. But if I—” She hesitated. “If I got pregnant, you'd make me give it up, too?”

“Lexie, that would never happen. We raised you to have more sense than that.” Her mother set the dish back in the center of the table and speared a green bean with her fork.

“Well, somebody's heart grew three sizes today,” Izzy said to Lexie. “What's with you?”

“Nothing,” Lexie said. “I'm just saying. It's a complicated situation, that's all.” She cleared her throat. “Brian was saying that even his parents don't agree about it.”

Moody rolled his eyes. “The case that tore families all over Cleveland apart.”

“John and Deborah are entitled to their own opinions,” Mr. Richardson said. “As is everyone at this table.” His gaze swept around the room. “Trip, what's this I hear about a hat trick in yesterday's game?”

After dinner, however, Mr. Richardson's thoughts were still clouded. “Do you think,” he asked Mrs. Richardson as they cleared the table, “that Mark and Linda really know how to raise a Chinese child?”

Mrs. Richardson stared at him. “It's just like raising any other child, I should think,” she said stiffly, stacking the plates in the dishwasher. “Why on earth would it be any different?”

Mr. Richardson scraped the remnants of egg noodles from the next plate into the disposal and handed it over. “Of course everything important is the same,” he conceded. “But I mean, when that little girl gets older, she's going to have a lot of questions. About who she is, where she came from. She's going to want to know about her heritage. Will they be able to teach her that?”

“There are resources out there.” Mrs. Richardson waved a dismissive hand, inadvertently flicking a few drops of stroganoff onto the counter. “I don't see why they can't learn it alongside her. Wouldn't that bond them all closer, learning about Chinese culture together?” She had vivid
childhood memories of Linda swaddling her Raggedy Ann in an old kerchief and gently putting it to bed. More than anyone, she knew how fiercely Linda McCullough had always wanted a baby, how deep that longing to be a mother—that magical, marvelous, terrifying role—ran in her friend. Mia, she thought, ought to understand that better than anyone: Hadn't she seen that in the Ryans? Hadn't she, maybe, even felt it herself, hadn't that been why she'd run away with Pearl? She swabbed at the counter with her thumb, smudging the granite. “Honestly, I think this is a tremendous thing for Mirabelle. She'll be raised in a home that truly doesn't see race. That doesn't care, not one infinitesimal bit, what she looks like. What could be better than that? Sometimes I think,” she said fiercely, “that we'd all be better off that way. Maybe at birth everyone should be given to a family of another race to be raised. Maybe that would solve racism once and for all.”

She shut the dishwasher with a clang and left the room, the dishes inside still rattling in her wake. Mr. Richardson took a sponge and wiped the sticky counter clean. He should have known better than to bring it up, he realized: it was too personal for her; she couldn't see clearly; she was so close that she didn't even realize how unclearly she was seeing. For her it was simple: Bebe Chow had been a poor mother; Linda McCullough had been a good one. One had followed the rules, and one had not. But the problem with rules, he reflected, was that they implied a right way and a wrong way to do things. When, in fact, most of the time there were simply
ways
, none of them quite wrong or quite right, and nothing to tell you for sure which side of the line you stood on. He had always admired his wife's idealism, her belief that the world could be made better, could be made orderly, could perhaps even be made perfect. For the first time, he wondered if the same held true for him.

I
t soon became clear, however, that Mr. Richardson was not the only conflicted party. The judge seemed to be waffling as well. A week passed after the hearing, then two, with no decision made. In mid-April, Lexie was due for a follow-up appointment at the clinic, and to both Pearl's and Mia's surprise, she asked Mia to accompany her.

“You don't have to
do
anything,” she promised Mia. “I'd just feel better if you were there.” The earnestness in her voice was persuasive, and on the afternoon of the appointment, after tenth period, Lexie parked her Explorer outside the house on Winslow. Mia started up the Rabbit and Lexie climbed into the passenger seat and they drove away together, as if she really were Pearl, as if Mia really were her mother taking her on this most intimate errand.

In fact, since the visit to the clinic, Pearl had felt a strange sense of reversal: as if, while she and Lexie slept under the same roof, Lexie had somehow taken her place and she'd taken Lexie's and they had not quite disentangled. Lexie had gone home in a borrowed T-shirt, and Pearl, watching her walk out the door in her own clothing, had had the eerie feeling of watching herself walk away. The next morning, she'd found Lexie's own shirt on her bed: laundered and carefully folded by Mia,
presumably left there to be returned at school. Instead of tucking it into her bag, Pearl had put it on, and in this borrowed skin she'd felt prettier, wittier, had even been a bit sassy in English class, to the amusement of her classmates and her teacher alike. When the bell rang, a few kids had glanced back at her, impressed, as if they were noticing her for the first time. So this is what it's like to be Lexie, she'd thought. Lexie herself was back at school, wan and somewhat subdued and with dark rings under her eyes, but upright. “You stole my shirt, bitch,” she said to Pearl, but affectionately, and then, “Looks good on you.”

Days later, shirt returned and her own retrieved, Pearl still felt Lexie's confidence fizzing in her veins. So now, when presented with a rare empty house, Pearl decided to take full advantage. She left a note in Trip's locker; she told Moody that she'd promised to help her mother at home all afternoon. Mia, meanwhile, had told Izzy she had a shift at the restaurant—“Go do something fun,” she'd said, “I'll see you tomorrow, okay?”—so no one was home when Trip and Pearl arrived at the house on Winslow after school and went upstairs to Pearl's bedroom. It was the first time Trip had been to her house, and to her it seemed momentous to be able to lie down with him in a place of her own choosing, instead of on the old worn-out couch in Tim Michaels's basement, surrounded by the PlayStation and the air hockey table and Tim's old soccer trophies, all the paraphernalia of someone else's life. This would be in her own space, in her own bed, and that morning, as she'd made it carefully, she'd felt a warm glow at the base of her throat, thinking of Trip's head lying on her pillow.

Moody, left to his own devices, had just shut his locker and was headed home when he heard someone calling his name. It was Tim Michaels, gym bag slung over his shoulder. Tim was tall and tough and had never been very kind to Moody: years ago, when Tim and Trip had been closer and he'd come over to the Richardsons' now and then to play video
games, he'd nicknamed Moody
Jake—
“Jake, get me another Coke,” “Jake, move your big head, you're blocking my view.” Moody had dared to think it was affectionate, but then he'd heard the word at school and understood what it meant in Shaker slang
.
Dave Matthews Band was dope; Bryan Adams was jake. Getting to third base was dope; being grounded was jake. After that, he'd stayed upstairs when Tim came over, and was meanly glad when he and Trip began to drift apart. Now here was Tim calling Moody's name—his real name—and jogging down the theatre wing toward him.

“Dude,” Tim said when he'd caught up to Moody. “You know anything about this mystery girl of your brother's?”

It took Moody a moment to parse this question. “Mystery girl?”

“He's been bringing some girl over to my place in the afternoons while I'm at practice. Won't tell me who she is.” Tim shifted his gym bag to the other shoulder. “Trip's not really a man of mystery, you know what I mean? I figure either it's someone totally sketch or he's really into her.”

Moody paused. Tim was an idiot, but he wasn't imaginative. He wasn't the kind to make things up. A suspicion was beginning to form in his mind.

“You don't know anything about her?” he said.

“Nothing. It's been, like, two months now. I'm almost tempted to go over there one afternoon and catch them in the act. He hasn't said anything to you?”

“He never tells me anything,” Moody said, and pushed the door open and went out onto the front lawn.

He was still fretting when he got home and found Izzy reading on the couch.

“What are you doing home so early?” he said.

“Mia had her other job this afternoon,” Izzy said. She turned a page. “Where is everyone? Is Pearl not with you?”

Moody didn't answer. The suspicion was taking on an uncomfortable solid shape. “Some new project my mom's working on,” Pearl had told him. “She just needs an extra set of hands.” Yet there was Izzy—a perfectly good set of extra hands—at home, telling him Mia was out. Without answering Izzy, he dropped his bookbag on the coffee table and headed to the garage for his bike.

All the way to the duplex on Winslow, he told himself he was imagining things. That there was nothing going on here, that this was all a coincidence. But there, just as he'd expected, was Trip's car, parked across the street from the house. He stayed there, staring at Pearl's window, for what felt like hours, trying not to think about what was happening inside, but unable to look away. It looked so innocent, that modest little brick house, with its clean white door, the peach tree in the front yard ruffled with soft pink blossoms.

When Trip and Pearl emerged, they were holding hands, but that wasn't what shook him. There was an ease between them that, Moody was sure, could only come from being intimately comfortable with another person's body. The way their shoulders jostled as they came down the walkway. The way Pearl leaned over to close the zip on Trip's backpack, the way he leaned down to smooth a stray curl out of her face. Then both of them looked up and saw Moody, astride his bicycle on the sidewalk, and froze. Before either of them could respond, he jammed his foot onto the pedal and sped away.

It never occurred to Moody to confront his brother; this was only what he expected from Trip. All of his fury was saved for Pearl, and later that afternoon, when she tiptoed upstairs and rapped on his door, he was not in the mood to listen to her excuses.

“It just happened,” she said, once she'd shut the door. Moody knew from her voice that she was telling the truth, but it brought him little comfort. He rolled his eyes at how much she sounded like a character on a bad teen drama and went back to tuning his guitar.

“Whatever,” he said. “I mean, if you want to screw my loser brother—” Pearl flinched, and in spite of himself, he stopped. “You know he's just using you, right?” he said after a moment. “That's what he does. He's never serious about anyone. He gets bored and he moves on.”

Pearl maintained a defiant silence. This time, she was sure, was different. They were both right: Trip got bored easily, and seldom thought about girls once they were out of his sight. But he had never encountered a girl like Pearl before, who wasn't embarrassed to be smart, who didn't quite fit into the orderly world of Shaker Heights, whether she knew it or not. Over the past two months she had wormed into his mind at all hours of the day: in chemistry lab, during practice, at night when he normally would have fallen asleep quickly and dreamed banal dreams. The girls he'd grown up with in Shaker—and the boys, too, for that matter—seemed so purposeful: they were so ambitious; they were so confident; they were so certain about everything. They were, he thought, a little like his sisters, and his mother: so convinced there was a right and a wrong to everything, so positive that they knew one from the other. Pearl was smarter than any of them and yet she seemed comfortable with everything she didn't know: she lingered comfortably in the gray spaces. She thought about big things, he discovered, and in those afternoons after they'd been together, big things were what they ended up talking about: How bad he felt that he and Moody didn't get along (“We're brothers,” he said, “aren't we supposed to be friends?”). How he wasn't sure, at seventeen, what he wanted to do with his life: everyone was asking; he was supposed to be thinking about college, he was supposed to
know
by now, and he didn't,
not at all. There's time, Pearl had reassured him, there's always more time. Being with Pearl made the world feel bigger, even as being with him made Pearl feel more grounded, less abstract, more real.

“You're wrong about him,” she said at last.

“It's fine,” Moody said. “I guess if you don't mind being the latest of his conquests. I just thought you had more respect for yourself than that.” If he looked up, he knew, he would see the pain in Pearl's eyes, so he kept his eyes pointedly on the guitar in his lap. “I thought you were smarter than the sluts who usually agree to do it with him.” He thumbed one of the strings, nudged the tuning peg a little higher. “But I guess not.”

“At least there's someone who wants me. At least I'm not going to spend high school as a frustrated virgin.” Pearl fought the urge to cross the room and yank the guitar from Moody's hands and smash it against the desk. “And for your information, I'm not a conquest. You know what? I was the one who started it with him.”

Moody had never seen Pearl angry before, and to his embarrassment his first reaction was to burst into tears. He didn't know what exactly he wanted to say—
I'm sorry, I didn't mean it—
only the ever-deepening regret at how things were turning out between them, the desperate and impossible desire to go back to the way things had been. Instead he bit the inside of his cheek to keep from crying, until the sharp, salty taste of blood spread over his tongue.

“Whatever,” he said at last. “Just—do me a favor and let's not talk about it. Okay?”

As it turned out, this meant they stopped talking at all. The following morning, they walked separately to school for the first time, took seats on the opposite sides of the classroom in first period and every period after that.

More than anything, Moody told himself, he was disappointed in
Pearl. That after all, she'd been shallow enough to pick Trip, of all people. He hadn't expected her to choose
him
—of course not; he, Moody, was not the kind of guy girls had crushes on. But Trip—that was unforgivable. He felt as if he'd dived into a deep, clear lake and discovered it was a shallow, knee-deep pond. What did you do? Well, you stood up. You rinsed your mud-caked knees and pulled your feet out of the muck. And you were more cautious after that. You knew, from then on, that the world was a smaller place than you'd expected.

In the middle of algebra, when Pearl was in the bathroom and no one else was looking, he opened her bookbag and pulled out the little black Moleskine notebook he had given her all those months ago. As he'd suspected, the spine hadn't even been cracked. That evening, in the privacy of his room, he tore the pages out in handfuls, crushing them into wads and tossing them into the garbage can. When the can was heaped with crumpled paper, he dropped the leather cover—empty now, limp, like the husk stripped from an ear of corn—on top and kicked the can under his desk. She never even noticed that it was missing, and somehow this hurt him most of all.

Lexie, meanwhile, was having romantic troubles of her own. Since coming home from the clinic, she'd been understandably skittish about sleeping with Brian again, and the strain was starting to show. She'd said nothing to him about the abortion, and it sat between them like a scrim, blurring everything. Brian's patience was increasingly wearing thin.

“What's with you,” he grumbled one afternoon, when he'd leaned over to kiss Lexie and she had, once again, turned her face to offer her cheek instead. “You PMS-ing again?”

Lexie flushed. “You guys. You think everything's about hormones.
Hormones and periods. If men ever got periods, believe me, you'd all be in a ball on the ground from cramps.”

“Look, if you're pissed at me, just tell me what it is you think I've done. I'm not a damn mind reader, Lex. I'm not going to apologize at random.”

“Who says I wanted an apology?” Lexie looked down at her hands, as if she might find a note scribbled on her palms, like a cheat sheet to guide her through. “Who says I'm even pissed at you?”

“If you're not pissed, why are you acting like this?”

“I just want some space, that's all. You don't have to be pawing me all the time.”