Little Lost Angel (3 page)

“Come on out, Amanda,” Shanda yelled.

Amanda walked shyly from her hiding place, and Jacque was stunned.

“I honestly couldn’t tell she was a girl,” Jacque said later. “She had on a ball cap, her hair was real short. She had on boys’ clothes. But she had a pretty face. I tried real hard not to let her know how disturbed I was by her appearance. She acted real nice and said
yes ma’am
and
no ma’am
. I told her that I didn’t care if she came over to the apartment but that she wasn’t allowed there until I got home from work.”

After Amanda had left, Jacque sat her daughter down for a talk. “Shanda,” she began, “do you think there’s anything odd about Amanda?”

“No, why?” Shanda asked.

“Well, why does she wear that boys’ baseball cap?”

“Oh, she really hates her hair,” Shanda replied. “She just got it cut and she thinks it looks terrible. She thinks it’s ugly. She wears a hat to cover it up.”

“Shanda, she really does look like a boy.”

“I know,” Shanda said. “I told her I wanted to fix her hair and put some makeup on her. I think she’ll be a lot happier with herself when I do.”

Shanda said she felt sorry for Amanda because she didn’t have any nice clothes. She told Jacque that Amanda didn’t have a good life at home, that she lived with her father and hardly ever saw her mother.

“I really felt that there was something not right here,” Jacque said later. “But Shanda kept assuring me that everything was okay.”

Shanda had been one of the first girls in her class at St.
Paul to have a boyfriend, which at that age meant nightly phone calls and holding hands at ball games. She had a flirtatious nature and would introduce herself to boys at the local skating rink or mall. Shanda was never shy.

“She could just walk up to people she didn’t know and start a conversation,” said Amanda Edrington, Shanda’s cousin. “She had a sort of magnetism, particularly with boys.”

“Shanda was boy-crazy,” said Shelley Suell, a friend from St. Paul. “She used to have the biggest crush on the guard at the skating rink. We made a pact not to get mad at each other if he ended up liking one of us more than the other.”

Another friend from St. Paul, Joyce Robertson, remembered the time she went to the movies with Shanda, not knowing she’d arranged for two boys to meet them. After kissing her date in the darkness of the theater, Shanda tapped Joyce on the shoulder and asked why she wasn’t doing the same.

While Shanda’s exploration of her sexuality was just beginning, her knowledge of homosexuality was extremely limited. Her parents had no openly gay friends. In fact, she’d never met anyone who professed to be homosexual. To Shanda the words
gay
and
lesbian
were simply punch lines to off-color jokes she sometimes overheard.

Amanda Heavrin had heard the jokes too. For two years at Hazelwood she’d been the butt of callous remarks from classmates who knew of her relationship with Melinda Loveless. And at home, Amanda’s father had begun to question why she dressed like a boy and had even asked her if she was a lesbian. She’d denied it and began telling her father that she had a boyfriend so he wouldn’t suspect the truth about her and Melinda.

Amanda enjoyed her sexual relationship with Melinda, but there were times when the older girl was too possessive. More than once Melinda had slapped her around for just looking at another girl. When Amanda felt herself attracted to Shanda, she began to take precautions to prevent Melinda from finding out.

Amanda had apologized to Shanda during their first day together in detention and Shanda had agreed to be her friend. But Amanda wasn’t sure if she could convert this
new friendship into something more. It would have to be a secret seduction, one that took place outside of Melinda’s presence.

It started with handwritten notes. In the first, dated September 13 and addressed to “Shana,” Amanda hinted at her homosexuality (in this and subsequent letters minor errors in punctuation and spelling have been corrected by this author):

If we wouldn’t of fought this would never have happened. I don’t want you to think I’m a bad person or anything. I don’t like to fight. I hate fighting. It’s just when I had you on the ground getting ready to hit you I couldn’t because you looked so helpless down there. But you swung at me and missed so I started hitting. I want the truth. Do you even know how to fight? If not, don’t feel bad. I will help you if you want me to.

I have a question to ask you. I know this may sound dumb, but do you like girls? Well, do you kinda in a way like girls? If so I think it’s so cool because it’s so different. Is that why you’re so nice to me? Do you think I’m cute or something? Please tell me the truth. I won’t laugh ‘cause I think it’s cool.

  Your friend,
Amanda H.

In another note three days later, Amanda alluded to recent conversations she’d had with Shanda. The relationship had been moving forward at a quick pace: Amanda had already told Shanda about her lesbian relationship with Melinda and was beginning to pressure her into a similar friendship.

Shanda,

I was wondering. Do you still like me? If so I’m glad. I have a lot in store Friday or Saturday when I see you. Do you know what I mean? I’m just joking or do you want me not to joke? Do you want to happen what I got in store? If so, answer back yes.

Love,    
Amanda

P.S. I think I’m starting to like someone. You know her.

Using a combination of flattery and suggestive promises of the pleasures of lesbian love, Amanda was daily weaving a web of enticement and Shanda was slowly being drawn in. In the following letter, written on September 26, about two weeks after their first meeting, Amanda was quite open in her intentions:

Shanda,

What was wrong with you yesterday? You sounded so sad on the phone. So what’s on your mind? You wanta fuck? Na, just joking. Well, I don’t know. Last night I meant everything I said to you about making love to you. Shanda, you’re so beautiful, hot and sexy. I want you. I can’t say it enough.

Love,    
Amanda

The following weekend Amanda invited Shanda to spend the night with her, and Jacque, totally blind to what was going on, gave her approval. That night, in the seclusion of her bedroom, Amanda came through on her promises and made love to Shanda. Although the experience was a triumphant one for Amanda, a letter sent the following day indicates that it had been a traumatic night for Shanda:

Shanda,

I really had a great time with you last night and I’m looking forward to more. Please don’t cry anymore, OK.

Love,    
Amanda

If Amanda was worried that Shanda might let out their secret, she need not have been. By the next day Shanda had wiped away her tears and was ready to resume where they had left off. She was intrigued by the new feelings she was experiencing, and she told Amanda so in this note:

Amanda,

I loved last night too. I want more too and always. I want what we had last night. If you want.

Love,   
Shanda

In less than three weeks, Amanda had succeeded in enticing Shanda into a sexual relationship. Shanda, who had always been boy-crazy, suddenly found herself involved with another girl.

*  *  *

During early adolescence it’s not uncommon for males and females to experiment with homosexuality, says Judith Matheny, a clinical social worker in Louisville who specializes in adolescent sexuality.

“It’s a time of sexploration,” Matheny says. “Same-sex encounters at that age are usually a safe environment in which to explore the new, intense feelings brought on by puberty.”

Most early sexual experiences, especially of this sort, are hidden from others. “If people were honest in discussing this,” says Matheny, “you would probably be surprised how many have had some sort of early experience with someone of their own sex. We don’t talk about this because we live in a homophobic society.”

This early experimentation, however, “in no way means that someone is homosexual,” Matheny stresses. “The preteen and early teen years are ones in which boys and girls are just beginning to gain a sense of their own selves and their sexual identities, and it is something that will continue to evolve.”

Dr. Richard R. Troiden, in the book
Gay and Lesbian Youth
, writes that, as a general rule, lesbians report awareness of their same-sex feelings at an average age of between fourteen and sixteen, males a couple of years earlier. And in most cases a few years will pass between the time someone first perceives themselves as homosexual and when they have their first same-sex experience.

*  *  *

Shanda was only twelve. Still a child. After being systematically drawn into a relationship unlike any she’d ever experienced, she was ashamed and confused. Isolated from her usual confidantes—her girlfriends at St. Paul—Shanda’s emotions were in turmoil.

During her first days at Hazelwood, before Amanda had begun monopolizing her time, Shanda had made a few other friends. But when they saw her hanging around with Amanda, they kept their distance.

Kristie Farnsley was one of them. She had met Shanda the day before school started and they’d ridden the bus home together a few times. The two girls seemed to be hitting it off, but before they could get very close, Kristie’s brother warned her to stay away from Shanda because her friend Amanda ran with a rough crowd.

“I didn’t really talk to Shanda too much after that,” Kristie said.

Shanda’s cousin Amanda Edrington, who also went to Hazelwood, knew that Amanda Heavrin was a lesbian and she was concerned about Shanda’s friendship with her. “Shanda had always been a mother-hen type, even to me,” Amanda Edrington said. “She was always taking people under her wing and looking out for them. I thought she felt sorry for Amanda. I thought they were just friends. I never suspected what was going on until later.”

There was one friend, however, with whom Shanda did confide. Michele Durham, who lived down the street from Shanda’s father, went to school in Jeffersonville but she saw Shanda nearly every weekend. One night Shanda opened up to her.

“She said, ‘I’ve got to tell you something and I hope you don’t think badly of me when I do,’” Michele remembered. “I asked what she was talking about. She said, ‘Please, don’t think I feel this way about you. Please don’t be scared of me. But I’ve done things with Amanda, and she says we’re lesbians but I don’t feel that way. I must be bisexual because I really like guys more.’ She didn’t really say much more about it. But I could tell it was bothering her. You’ve got to know Shanda. She’d do anything for anybody. She just
wanted to fit in so bad. I think Amanda kind of pushed her to it.”

*  *  *

Melinda’s suspicions were also on the rise.

“Amanda told me that she and Shanda were just friends,” Melinda said later. “But I would see them in the halls laughing and passing notes. I’d be at Amanda’s house and Shanda would call all the time, and she’d hang up when I answered. Stuff like that started happening, so I was upset.”

At first Melinda tried being diplomatic. She knew that Shanda liked boys and she wasn’t sure how far Amanda had gone with her. She hoped that Shanda would back off from Amanda once she knew that her friend was a lesbian. One day she dropped the following note through a slot in Shanda’s locker:

Shanda,

Don’t be scared of me please! I just want to be your friend. I just don’t like when you speak to Amanda when I’m not there! I mean, why can’t we all three be friends?! You act as if you got something going with her! Amanda and I are going together and she loves me and I love her and she only wants to be friends with you. You need to accept that! I don’t want you sneaking behind my back! Why don’t you speak to Amanda when she’s with me? You need to find you a boyfriend because Amanda is mine and you can even ask her! Please talk to both of us or you can forget about Amanda! You, me and Amanda need to have a talk together and get this squared away, then we could all be friends! Can you meet us at lunch?

Your friend,
Mel            

But when the note didn’t deter Shanda from seeing Amanda, Melinda stepped up her efforts to break up their friendship. She cornered Shanda in the hallway one day and threatened to hurt her if she didn’t stay away from Amanda. Intimidated by the older girl, Shanda promised that she would do as she was told.

Melinda thought her threats had worked until she opened Amanda’s locker one day and found a note in the shape of a heart. Written on the note were the words “Shanda Loves Amanda.” Infuriated, Melinda surprised Shanda in the hallway, grabbing her by the hair and pushing her against a wall. She shoved the note into her face.

“Did you write this?” Melinda demanded.

Shanda stuttered and insisted that it wasn’t her handwriting.

“You’re a lying bitch!” Melinda crumbled the note and threw it in Shanda’s face. “You better cool it, girl. Amanda is mine,” she said as she stormed away.

Melinda had had enough of this bullshit. She told Amanda that they were through and that she could have Shanda if she wanted her. But after a few days Melinda calmed down and apologized to Amanda. In turn, Amanda promised to stay away from Shanda. But it was an empty promise.

After her meeting with Melinda, Amanda wrote Shanda the following note:

Shanda,

When I went to Melinda’s house she asked me to go back with her. What’s killing me is that I want to go with both of you. I’m confused because I love you both. Shanda I love you.

Love ya,       
Amanda Poo

Later that day, just to be sure there was no confusion about her affections, Amanda wrote Shanda another note:

Shanda,

God you look good in those pants. Your butt especially.

Amanda

Amanda asked Shanda to accompany her to a dance at Hazelwood, knowing that Melinda did not like dances and had made plans to spend the evening with her friend Kary
Pope. Seventeen-year-old Kary was also a lesbian, and although she and Melinda had petted and kissed each other, they had never been serious lovers. They’d met through a group of gay and lesbian teenagers that hung out together in New Albany and Louisville. Kary looked, dressed, and carried herself like a young man. She had a lanky build, a plain face, and short brown hair that she combed to one side. She also had her own car and knew someone who would buy her and Melinda wine coolers.