Little Squirrels Can Climb Tall Trees (5 page)

“Two? No! I think we’re way past two points.”

“What do you mean?” Kyle asked, apparently a bit confused.

“Kyle, your point total is presently somewhere in the hundreds, all earned two at a time.”

“Why?” Kyle asked.

“Why?”

“Yeah, why would you ever—?”

“Well, let’s see. Because you’re incredibly smart, pleasant to be around, have a smile that could melt steel, know a bunch about a lot of stuff, can talk about any topic, you’re super friendly, you’re gorgeous, have a body-by-God…. Sorry,” I added meekly. “Didn’t mean to say that last part aloud.”

“You think I have a nice body?”

“Well, duh! Yes!”

“Really?” Kyle asked in obvious disbelief, which only empowered me more.

“Earth to Kyle!” I said, waving my hands at the man. “Yes, you are gorgeous, man! You’re the man with the million-watt smile, the sheer memory of which was so bright it kept me awake reliving it half the night. Please don’t tell me that you’re one of those guys that doesn’t see himself as attractive when really he could stop traffic and have men licking the shadows he leaves behind on the sidewalk.”

Kyle said nothing but simply stared at me with his eyes wide open.

“Oh, crap, you
are
one of those guys!”

Looking down, Kyle said, “I’m sorry. I just don’t see myself in the way you describe me.”

Okay. Time to try the scientific approach and gather some data. “What do you see when you look at yourself?”

“I see an awkward, geeky, gangly man who’s way too tall to fit into society. I see a man who towers over everyone. Someone who is all arms and legs. I see someone who is a freak. Someone who scares kids. I see someone people see and walk away from so they don’t have to try to interact with me. I have weird ears—”

Before he could continue, though, I aggressively interrupted him. “Bullshit! That’s pure, unadulterated bullshit!” I practically shouted. “You are one of the most attractive men I’ve ever seen. And believe me, I’ve looked at a lot of men in my life. And let me tell you, you are good-looking from every angle I’ve tried so far… and I’ve probably just chased you away by telling you that I’ve checked you out, because you’re probably straight and can’t stand the idea of another man checking you out. I’m sorry. I don’t plan to jump you and hump your leg, so please don’t be mad at me.”

“Maybe I want you to hump my leg,” Kyle said quietly. “I just didn’t think you’d want to. Most guys just want to get me naked to see if I have a dick proportional to my height. I just haven’t even bothered to try to date for so long—I can’t remember the last decent date I had. That’s part of why I work twelve hours a day.”

“Okay. Well, I can see that I’ve arrived on the scene just in time to mount a rescue operation. I’m… I’ve been told that I can be a little pushy and opinionated at times—well, a lot of the time. And I’m about to be a
lot
pushy and opinionated with you. So prepare yourself.

“You are one
smoking hot man
. Period. I was knocked practically
speechless
the first time I looked into your eyes and saw you smile. Words escaped my mind, and I was terrified that I was just babbling incoherent things that would instantly send you fleeing from the crazy man. Listen to me! Are you listening? You took the power of speech away from me the first time we talked. And consider how much I’ve talked since then! You can see that I’m not exactly reserved! But you… you, my friend, so bowled me over that I could barely speak!

“You are smoking hot, with eyes that make me hard just looking at them, a smile that could warm the coldest heart. You are intelligent, a fantastic conversationalist, one of the most considerate men I’ve ever met.” I paused for a moment, looked down to collect my resolve, and then added, “And when you stripped in front of me in the locker room, you don’t know how close you came to having my lips attached to one of your
gorgeous
nipples. And when you came out of the shower dripping wet, you had a drop of water on the head of your penis—your absolutely perfect penis. The only way I could keep myself upright and not fall to my knees to worship you at that moment was by picturing a catastrophic multicar pileup on the freeway with blood and guts and gore everywhere. It you hadn’t pulled on your pants, I don’t think I could have kept myself respectable.”

Kyle simply sat across the table with his mouth hanging partly open in stunned disbelief. “You’re kidding, right?”

“Hell no!” I answered more loudly than I probably should have. Trying to lower my voice a little, I asked, “Do you know how many times I’ve had to masturbate in the last twenty-four hours because of the time we spent together yesterday?”

“Now I know you’re kidding with me.”

I stood from my seat and stepped closer to Kyle, raised my hand, and smacked him gently on the back of his head.

“Hey!” Kyle complained. “What was that for?”

“Clearly you needed it! Any man who thinks that you are not an Adonis, a deity from the far heavens who walks among us mere mortals, is insane! And you should know that I’ve been hard for you most of the time we’ve been sitting here tonight.” I took advantage of the moment on my feet to discreetly adjust myself a little—as much as I could in a crowded restaurant without attracting a lot of attention.

Kyle sat quietly for a moment, apparently contemplating what he had just heard from his dinner companion. “Wow!” was all he could come up with.

“That’s how I see it from here. Wow!”

Our conversation had kept us completely distracted to that point. For about the fourth time, our waiter approached again to inquire about our dinner selections. Without giving it much thought, we each asked for the daily special that the waiter had described at some point and then sent the man away.

And now that it was quiet with no hovering waiter, neither one of us seemed to know quite what to say to the other! Talk about bad timing. Not knowing what to talk about was something entirely new to us.

I broke the uncomfortable silence. “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. I really like you and promise to behave. I really do. I have a lot of acquaintances, but I don’t have lots of friends, and none as great as you seem, so please forgive my forwardness.”

Kyle considered me for a moment before asking, “What would it take to make you promise to misbehave?”

“Excuse me?” I said, confused.

“You said that you promise to behave. I just asked, what would I have to do to make you promise to
misbehave
?” And the man’s killer smile was back, this time accompanied by a look that could only be called lecherous.

I simply whimpered. “Um, when food comes, can we eat kind of fast and go back to my place or your place and fuck like rabid tree squirrels?”

“I’ve never seen a rabid tree squirrel. Do they hump a lot?”

“When a tree squirrel is in heat, they’ve got nuts the size of pumpkins between their legs. Their nuts are so big that they don’t climb trees because they can’t lift that much weight off the ground.”

“You’re making that up!”

“Of course! But only partly. Tree squirrels
do
grow gigantic nuts. I don’t know what triggers it or why, but they get
huge
! I feel sorry for the poor critters because their tiny brains must just be absolutely flooded with testosterone. They do climb trees even though they’re swinging kinda heavy. And once up the tree, they seem to hump just about anything, whether he or she wants it or not.”

“I want it,” Kyle said quietly.

“Let’s go,” I said, but again the gods of timing deserted me. It was just at that moment that our meals were delivered. “Okay. Let’s go in, say, five minutes. I want you so badly that I probably will make a fool of myself when I stand up. Everybody is going to see that I’m sporting some serious wood because of you.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“No! I’m dying here, man. I’m with the man who could have substituted for Michelangelo’s
David
if David had been busy the day Michelangelo needed him. Every time you look at me, every time you lick your lips—those luscious lips. Every time you blink those freaking sexy eyelashes, every time you turn your head and your beautiful hair falls into your eyes and you move it back, my dick throbs a bit harder!”

“Damn, dude! Should you be under a psychiatrist’s care? It sounds like someone needs to medicate the crap out of you. Delusional, man.”

“Oh, shut up!” I said with a smile. “Eat your goddamned food so we can get out of here.”

“And go fuck like tree squirrels.”

“
Rabid
tree squirrels.”

“Sorry. Rabid tree squirrels. Question: how does rabid tree squirrel sex differ from regular tree squirrel sex?”

“In the frequency and the intensity.”

“You mean I might actually get laid tonight?”

“I think you can count on it. The only question is how many times.”

“Damn! You’ve almost got me believing your delusional rantings.”

I set my fork down and calmly said, “Do you know the people who run this place?”

“Yes. I’ve eaten here a lot over the last couple of years.”

“So would they be offended or upset if I shoved all the dishes off this table and mounted you here?”

Kyle’s eyes went super wide for a few seconds. “Yeah, they probably wouldn’t like that.” He paused. “That’s not to say that I wouldn’t like it.” Another brief pause. “So, my little squirrel, I’m a fairly big tree. You sure you can haul your swollen nuts all the way up to the top?”

“Just try to stop me. I’ll see you once I get up on top.”

“Promise me one thing,” Kyle asked.

“Anything.”

“Promise me you’ll be patient with me. I haven’t done a lot of dating—ever—and I’m probably not very good at it.”

“Okay. And we’ll fix that while we work on your self-esteem.”

“Okay.”

We both shoveled more food into our faces before calling for the check. I threw some money on the table, hoped it was enough, and said, “You! Come! Now!”

“Awfully sure of yourself, aren’t you?”

“On lots of things in life, not so much. On this, absolutely.”

We exited the restaurant, and Kyle asked a perfectly logical question. “Where do you live?”

“Five blocks that way,” I answered, pointing. “You?”

“Six blocks that way,” Kyle said, pointing the other direction. “Yours is closer. Let’s go there.”

I took off at a near run. “Think you can keep up with me, there, big boy?”

“Don’t worry about me.”

“I worry. If you don’t keep up with me, it means I’m gonna have to masturbate again, and I’d much prefer fucking you to masturbating. Like, a
lot
more.”

“Do you need some meds? I’m a doctor, after all. I can prescribe. We can get you started on something tonight.”

“The only thing I want to be on is you. Now pick up the pace!”

“Damn! You’re bossy when you’re horny.”

“Probably so. And since I’m a guy, that means I’m perpetually horny, so that may be why I’ve always been somewhat forceful in my opinions.”

A
T
MY
building, I used my key to let us into the lobby. The elevator took us up fifteen floors, where I used another key to open the apartment door. Before Kyle even had time to remove his coat, I had the man backed up across the room and pushed down onto a sofa. With no preamble, I simply climbed up on top of the man, and my lips finally made contact with the lips that had tormented me so much yesterday afternoon and evening.

I was like a man possessed. I kissed with a drive and energy that practically sucked the breath out of my companion. My hands made their way under Kyle’s shirt and pushed the offending cloth out of the way so that my fingers could find and tweak those tantalizing nipples. Just like yesterday, they were hard as tacks.

I moved my lips down to first one and then the other nipple, nibbling, licking, biting the two nubs of taut flesh. Oh, yes, I had found the Promised Land! While I pushed Kyle’s shirt off over his shoulders and neck, I never moved my lips from where they worked on Kyle’s nipples.

“I never knew that male nipples could be so incredibly sensitive,” Kyle commented.

I was, after all, charged with teaching him new things, and what better thing to start with than nipples.

My lips returned to Kyle’s lips for another kiss that threatened to suck the fillings right out of his teeth. I tried to lick the back of Kyle’s tonsils, but even my tongue wasn’t quite long enough for that job. Still, I was doing things to Kyle with my tongue that he seemed to like.

“I’ve never felt anything like that before!”

Without breaking contact, I moved my hands down to untie the drawstring on Kyle’s scrub pants. While my lips distracted him, I wormed my hands inside his pants and then his briefs, wrapping them around a very hard—
and large
—penis. Damn! Was the man part mule? Holy crap! For a moment I wondered if I had somehow grabbed his leg without realizing it, but no—I had my hands on a penis, just a very large penis.

I dropped my lips back to Kyle’s nipples for a moment before licking a line down to his belly button. While Kyle was seemingly enjoying the feel of my tongue on his taut, muscular belly, I worked the man’s pants down enough to free the monster trapped inside.