Lives We Lost,The (18 page)

I remembered Meredith’s teary face as she asked me not to leave her behind. Pictured her here, amid the dead bodies and the looters. She’d been worried I was leaving her because I didn’t think she was brave enough, but the simple fact was, I couldn’t have lived with the guilt if I’d kept her with me and then couldn’t protect her.
“Whoever killed your dad, if you’d been there, they’d have killed you too,” I said. “He probably made you stay home just because he cared about you and didn’t want you to get hurt. You can’t be mad at him for that, can you?”
“I . . . never really thought about it that way.” Justin raised his head. “You still pissed at me?”
“You going to listen next time I say to back down?”
His mouth curved up. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m going to work on that.”
“Then I’m not pissed,” I said. “But I am cold and tired of carrying all this snow. Let’s get in there and see if we can make this place livable.”
We stepped inside to the sound of Gav’s coughing echoing through the bedroom door.

Over the next few days we developed a routine. In the mornings Leo and I would hike to a couple of hospitals or clinics, while Tobias and Justin scavenged through another few floors of the condo building. We all met back at the apartment to eat, and then the four of us headed over to city hall to look for a way in. Then another hospital. In the evenings, after dinner, Tobias fiddled with the radio and I prayed to hear Drew’s voice.

All our efficiency hadn’t helped us yet. Out of the dozen medical buildings we’d visited so far, Leo and I hadn’t found one staff person. No medication, either. On the fourth day we came across two bodies sprawled on the floor in a ward, bullet holes in the backs of their jackets, an icy glaze over their eyes.

“Any luck?” Gav asked when I came into the bedroom to have lunch with him, a rasp in his voice that never quite left now.
“We’re still looking,” I said, forcing myself to sound optimistic, and started talking about how Tobias and Justin had managed to scrounge up another bag of food. I didn’t mention the medicine cabinets they’d checked, all bare, which was why we didn’t have even the most basic painkillers or decongestants to help Gav’s symptoms.
When the rest of us headed out for city hall that afternoon, I looked around at the empty streets and darkened windows, and tried to summon up a little of the hope that had carried me so far. Every time I stepped out into that wreck of a city, it got harder.
“Everything all right?” Leo asked as we tramped along the streets.
The question made me laugh. “Yeah,” I said, even though it wasn’t. Nothing was all right. Hell, even if we found someone who could replicate the vaccine samples, I wasn’t convinced anymore that the vaccine would fix all I’d hoped it could. The world we used to have, the world I wanted back, was seeming more and more like a dream. I hadn’t caught a glimpse of it here.
Even if we defeated the virus now, Leo couldn’t take back the things he’d had to do. I couldn’t go back to being a person who’d never seen someone die, who’d never stolen food and clothes and cars that weren’t mine. Everyone still living had been changed—we couldn’t have survived and not been. And even if we could change back, it wouldn’t undo all the other damage the virus caused. Who was left to run the power stations? To stock the stores, now that the manufacturing plants were closed and the farms gone fallow and the transport trucks stalled with empty tanks?
When we’d been on our little island, almost holding it together, I’d been able to imagine the problem was little too. But it wasn’t just the island. It was the whole world.
I shoved those thoughts away as we reached the hall. The temperature had risen above freezing, the icicles over doorways dripping in a steady patter. We spread out, rapping on the doors and calling out to the people I still suspected might be inside and alive, then took turns trying to pound one of the boards on the broken windows loose. After an hour, no one had answered us, and the board hadn’t budged. Finally, Tobias backed away, shaking his head.
The shrinking drifts of snow scattering the courtyard revealed more than I wanted to see. The green sheen of a coat shielding a slumped back. A bluish hand and the cuff of a sleeve. Two socked feet, bent at painful angles. Because someone had wrenched off a pair of boots?
I winced and turned. “Let’s go,” I said, “before we bring out more scavengers.” Two days ago a couple of lurking figures had started trailing behind us on the way “home.” Wondering where we were staying and what supplies we had, probably. And whether they could take them from us. We’d managed to lose them by weaving through a series of apartment buildings and parking lots, but I wasn’t eager to see them or anyone like them again.
We were halfway across the courtyard when an engine sputtered somewhere down the street. Close.
Leo froze, and I remembered his warning the last time we’d heard a car. Tobias reached for his gun. Justin started forward, almost eagerly, but I grabbed the back of his coat.
“Better not to get noticed,” I reminded him. It would be a lot harder to lose a vehicle than people on foot. I turned, searching for somewhere to hide. The car was coming too fast, the sound of the engine thundering in the still air. My gaze slid over one of the half-buried bodies, and I found my answer.
“Play dead!” I said, already moving. I threw myself onto one of the higher drifts, shoved some snow over my back so it would look as if I’d been there a while, and lay still. There was a brief shuffling around me that I hoped was the others following suit. I held my breath, the chill of the snow seeping through my scarf. Possums could hold themselves like this for hours. Other animals too. My grandmother on my dad’s side used to tell the story of her big family trip to South Africa when she was nine, rubbing the scar on the back of her hand while she talked. She’d seen a snake lying in the grass with its tongue hanging out, poked it a few times with her toe, and it hadn’t looked anything other than dead until she’d crouched beside it and reached out to feel its scales.
I wasn’t sure I could pull off a performance that convincing, but hopefully no one was going to come close enough to poke me.
The ground vibrated faintly as the car rumbled by. It slowed, and my pulse hiccupped, but the driver must just have been turning a corner. The noise of the engine rose again and faded gradually into the distance.
When I couldn’t hear it anymore, I pushed myself upright. The others picked themselves off the ground, brushing bits of snow from their clothes. Justin was grumbling, but suddenly I felt like smiling for real. At least he was listening now. We’d managed to stay safe one more time, without having to fight, without being hurt. That was a sort of victory.
My mind slid back to Gav, waiting for us at the end of our walk, and my exhilaration dampened. It was a victory that didn’t bring me any closer to saving him.
“You still haven’t seen any phone books in the condos?” I asked Tobias as we set off.
“I’d guess they weren’t sending out the printed ones anymore,” he said. “Everyone just used the ’net.”
A lot of good that did us now. “We need to find one,” I said. “It might have the address for some of the private labs.”
“You still think we’re going to find doctors somewhere here?” Justin said, kicking at a chunk of ice.
“There are people here,” I said. “Lots of people, considering. There has to be
someone
left with a background in science.”
But we were running out of time. Gav was running out of time. I picked up my pace. “I’m going to look through the whole building myself when we get back.”
In my hurry, I didn’t catch the flicker of movement behind us until we’d climbed up the first two flights of stairs in the condo building. Fabric brushed against the railing below us, and I paused, the back of my neck prickling.
We had a shadow.
I made myself keep walking. When we reached our floor, I nudged Tobias’s shoulder and continued past him up the next flight. The others looked confused, but they followed. On the fifth floor landing, I pushed past the doors and backed several paces down the hall before I stopped.
“What’s—” Justin started, and I jerked a finger to my mouth.
“We’re being tailed,” I said. “Watch.”
We stood in a row, braced and waiting. A few seconds later, the stairwell door eased open a crack. Whoever was behind it must have seen us, because it stilled.
There was no hiding and no losing them, not when they’d followed us this far. We’d just have to hope they were peaceful.
“You want something?” I said. “Come out and we can talk about it.”
The door wavered, and then yawned farther open. A hooded figure in a long black coat slipped into the hallway.
“Don’t be mad. I just wanted to see what you’re up to.”
The voice was a girl’s, soft and squeaky. She took a few steps toward us, placing her heavy combat boots so carefully they didn’t make a sound. Then she slid back her hood.
She was older than her voice had made me think—older than me, I guessed. Her nose was small and upturned, the mouselike effect offset by the gray shadow smudged over her wide eyes and the maroon gloss on her lips. Light brown hair streaked with bleached highlights fell around her narrow face. She looked like she should have been waiting in line outside a nightclub, not creeping after us through an abandoned building.
“I saw you at Mount Sinai,” she said. “You looked . . . nice. Not like most people these days.”
The name sounded familiar, but I hadn’t been paying enough attention to know how long ago we’d been at Mount Sinai.
“There are a lot of assholes around,” Justin said, watching her as if he thought we might have to break into mortal combat. “We don’t want anything to do with them.”
The girl offered a smile that might have been amused or appreciative, it was hard to tell. “I’m Anika,” she said, spreading her hands in a gesture of supplication. Her fingernails were painted the same color as her lips. “I don’t want to barge in on you, but it’s so brutal in the city right now. I’ve been on my own for weeks. You all seem like you’re sticking together. I guess I hoped maybe I could stick with you. For a bit?”
She ducked her head with a nervousness that looked more coy than authentic. Tobias opened his mouth, and then looked at me. Justin was frowning.
“You carrying weapons?” Leo asked.
Anika blinked with what looked like honest surprise. She turned out the pockets of her coat, then unzipped it and held it open so we could see she wasn’t hiding anything under it other than a purple turtleneck and jeans tight enough that it would have been obvious if she had a gun or a knife tucked away.
“I could maybe even help you a little,” she suggested as she zipped the coat back up. “I’ve been here the whole time—well, I’ve lived here my whole life. You’re looking for things, I might know where they are.”
My pulse skipped. Maybe she was just what we needed. Whether she was telling us the whole truth or not, she didn’t seem dangerous. And there was just one of her and four of us—armed, taller, and probably stronger.
It was worth the risk.
“All right,” I said. “We’re one floor down.”
When we stepped into the apartment, Anika’s eyes opened even wider, taking in the leather couch, the granite countertops, and the crackling fire. I saw with relief that all the food we’d scavenged was safely out of sight in the cupboards. The cold-storage box stayed in the bedroom with Gav, all the better to make sure Justin wasn’t tempted by it.
I was about to suggest we all sit down and talk when the sound of coughing carried through the bedroom door. Anika tensed, her head twitching toward the other room.
“You’ve got a sick one,” she said.
“Yeah,” I replied stiffly.
“It’s okay,” Tobias said. “He stays in the bedroom. We’re really careful.”
“I’ll be back in a sec,” I said, grabbing one of the bottles of boiled water we’d left to cool on the window ledge.
Gav was sitting cross-legged on the bed when I came in. He chugged half the bottle I handed to him and tipped his head against the wall, closing his eyes. Even though only a thin heat seeped through the walls from the living room, his fever was bad enough that he’d stopped wearing his coat. Since lunchtime he’d pulled off his sweater and tied it around his shoulders over his T-shirt. He looked leaner than it seemed to me he should, and I didn’t think it was just because he’d taken off a layer of clothing.
With a ragged breath, he straightened up and swiped at his nose with the rag he’d been using as a handkerchief. Anika’s voice started to rise and fall on the other side of the door.
“You brought someone back?” he said.
I traded my outer clothes for the sick room spares I left on the dresser, and climbed onto the bed next to him. His arm slid around me automatically.
“A girl followed us back to the apartment,” I said, keeping my voice light. “Says she wants to join our club. You think we should hold an audition?”
Gav cracked a smile. “Maybe we should just take her at her word. There seems to be a lot of turnover in this saving-the-world business.”
I thought he meant Tessa and Meredith. He must have, because we still weren’t talking about the fact that some time in the next couple days, if I didn’t find help, he wasn’t going to be himself anymore. But for a few seconds, my throat choked up and I couldn’t speak.
I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him, and he squeezed me tighter, but after a moment his arms sagged. The coughing and the fever were sapping his strength.
“You think she’s really okay?” he asked, more seriously.
“She might know something that can help,” I said.
“Well, you’d better get out there before she’s done telling her story, then,” he said, “so I can hear it from you later. I don’t want to be totally out of the loop.”
“Of course,” I said, kissing his cheek. “I’ll bring the full report with dinner.”
I could feel his eyes following me as I stepped out, his hunger to take part in what was happening a palpable weight on my back.
Anika was perched on the couch. Justin and Tobias sat on either side of her, Justin as if he were standing guard; Tobias as if he were afraid if he took his eyes off her, she might disappear. Her hands flashed through the air as she spoke.
“And by the time Mom checked into the hospital, they weren’t letting visitors come in. That was when there were still people working in the hospitals to stop us, right? And they’d cancelled all the classes at the college, and most of my friends had gotten sick or left town. But I didn’t want to just abandon her, even if I couldn’t go see her.”
I grabbed a chair from the dining area and sat down by one of the living room’s tall useless speakers. Anika’s eyes flickered over to me and then back to the rest of her audience.
“Must have been rough,” Tobias said. His face pinked when she smiled at him.
“Yeah,” she agreed. “The next thing I knew, people were trashing the hospitals left and right, and the doctors were freaking out and disappearing, and I don’t even know what happened to Mom in the end. She was at Mount Sinai, but when I looked for her, I couldn’t find her. So I’ve had to get by on my own.”
“You look like you’ve been doing all right,” Leo said mildly.
“I guess it could have been worse,” Anika said. “I found a place like you have here, that no one seems to bother with, and Dad was kind of paranoid, he bought this camping stove and a bunch of fuel before the panic really started, so I’ve sort of been able to cook. I’m not, like, starving. But the people around here are crazy, most of them. It’s scary. That’s why I was so happy when I saw you.”
“Who’s the makeup for?” Justin demanded. “It’s kind of weird, you going around like that.”
“It’s for me,” Anika said. Her eyes narrowed for just a moment before she seemed to catch herself, and tossed her hair with a laugh. “If you look older, and like you’ve got yourself together, people don’t bother with you so much. They go after the ones who look like victims.”
I wondered what we looked like to her.
“You said the doctors were disappearing,” I said. “Do you know if there are any still around, maybe in a smaller clinic or office that the looters could have missed?”
“If there are, they’re keeping pretty quiet. But I could ask around.” She cocked her head toward the bedroom. “That why you came all the way here from out east?” she asked. I guessed the guys had told her that while I’d been out of the room. “Because of him? It’s a long way.”