Living Backwards (26 page)

“Luke!” she exclaimed. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

“I was just dropping by to see Jillian,” I explained. She knitted her brows and looked at me curiously.

“Honey, Jillian left for school this morning.”

It was my turn to knit my brows and stare strangely back at her, almost as if the words weren’t registering. She wasn’t making any sense. Jillian wasn’t leaving for New York for almost two weeks. Maybe she had her days mixed up or she was a lot crazier than she let on. Maybe she was joking. Maybe she didn’t realize that it really wasn’t funny.

“But she’s not supposed to leave until the 12th,” I stammered, feeling stupid for explaining.

“Oh, honey, she had a change of plans.”

Again I was reeling, going over possible explanations for what I was hearing.

Maybe Jillian wanted some time away from her parents and was staying with Danielle. Maybe there was an emergency and she tried to reach me, but couldn’t. Maybe she went there to scope out apartments early. Maybe her mother was truly insane.

I needed to talk to Danielle.

“Thanks,” I replied absently, my jog turning into a sprint as I approached the car.

This had to be a huge misunderstanding and there would be a really logical explanation. And later when it was all sorted out, we were going to laugh because it didn’t make enough sense to be true in the first place.

On my way to Danielle’s house, I gripped the wheel so tightly that my palms were beginning to ache. My stomach was in knots and my knee was bouncing. This
had
to be a mistake.

Naturally Josh’s car was out front when I arrived. I rang the bell waiting for someone to answer and set all of this straight. When the door opened, it was Danielle, and I was once again met with a look of surprise and confusion.

“Hey, Luke! It’s good to see you. What’s going on?”

“Have you heard from Jillian?” I asked, cutting through the pleasantries and straight to the point.

“Jillian? Um, yeah,” she replied, “I wasn’t supposed to tell anybody because I guess she didn’t want to make a big deal of it, but she left for school this morning.”

“Hey, man,” Josh said, walking up behind Danielle and placing his hands on her shoulders. “What’re you up to later?”

Josh went on to say something about Tyler’s party and Danielle’s parents not being home. I didn’t really know what he said because I’d stopped paying attention.

She left.

“I have to get going,” I managed to mutter, turning around and heading back to my car before either could respond.

She freaking left.

It still didn’t make any sense. I knew we hadn’t solidified our plans, but we solidified
us
. Didn’t I deserve an explanation?

I kept rehashing our conversation from the prom over and over again, searching for clues in what she said and how she said it.

I don’t want to lose this.

I wish we had more time.

Did she know she was leaving when we were at the prom? Is that why she reacted the way she did? But then why would she tell me she felt the same way, too? It didn’t make sense.

Unless she really didn’t.

No. I could feel it when I touched her. I could see it when she looked at me. I hadn’t imagined it. There was more to this, and I just needed to figure it out.

Maybe I scared her by moving too fast. Maybe she didn’t believe me when I said that I only wanted her. Maybe I should’ve been honest and told her I loved her. Then maybe I could’ve stopped this from happening.

However, the fact remained that she was gone, and she hadn’t said shit to me about it. I pulled over to the side of the road, cursing and pounding my palms against the wheel.

What the hell happened?

I sat there staring off into the woods by the side of the road. I don’t know how long I sat there as I tried to figure out what to do. I could call her, but what would I say?
Hi Jillian, it’s Luke. What the hell
? As stupid as it sounded, I really needed to know. I needed her to explain it to me—spell it out—because this was seriously messed up.

As it started to get dark, I headed home feeling numb. Pulling into the driveway, I looked up at the house. Everything seemed different to me somehow. I sat in the car, letting it idle, unable to make myself move and go to the door because when I did, I would need to make a call that would be far more difficult than the one to Jonas. She was going to tell me why she left, tell me some bullshit excuse as to why she moved across the country without telling me. I didn’t
want
to hear it, but I
needed
to hear it. She owed me that much.

Finally turning off the car and stumbling out, I dragged myself into the house feeling beat up and drained. No one was home so I was able to avoid a continuation of our conversation from yesterday. I was lucky considering I had no answers to give.

My bedroom was dark except for the eerie light from the computer monitor. I sat at my desk and was immediately assaulted by memories of Jillian. The prom ticket I had just tacked to my bulletin board was right in front of me along with the street map that I apparently didn’t need anymore. A stack of blank CDs was piled in the corner, left over from when I burned her The White Stripes disc. The Chili Peppers CD mocked me as it elicited the image of Jillian leaning back against the desk, wide-eyed and panting.

With a swipe of my arm, I knocked everything off the desk and onto the floor, cursing and reveling in the comforting crash. The mug that held random pens and pencils shattered into a dozen pieces. Jewel cases cracked and the stand on my keyboard broke off. I wanted this destruction. But as I looked at the carnage on my bedroom floor, it didn’t cure the dull ache in my chest. It only pissed me off that I needed to clean it up.

After returning the keyboard to my desk, I pulled up the page for NYU, searching for a main number. When the operator picked up the phone, my whole body tensed.

“Hi, I’m looking for the extension of a student that just moved in,” I explained. “Jillian Cross.”

“One moment, please,” she mumbled. It was insulting that she sounded so bored when my heart was practically hammering in my chest. “We have a Jillian Cross, but her telephone account isn’t set up yet. Would you like to leave a message and we can have it sent to her dorm?”

“You’re kidding me,” I muttered. “No. No thanks,” I said, hanging up.

It was probably better off. What was I going to say to keep myself from sounding like a lovesick idiot anyway? I’d get my shit together and call back in the morning. In the mean time, I couldn’t stay in the same room I’d spent the last three weeks jacking off in. I needed to get out.

I grabbed my keys, ignoring the mess on the floor, leaving the house and any thoughts of her behind. Ironically, the only place I wanted to be was the place that reminded me of her the most.

I parked my car in the same spot I had a hundred times before, but it seemed strange and out of place. I walked through the same path through the trees, ducking under the low branches, but it was like I wasn’t really there. Still dazed, I headed to the center of the clearing in what was once my spot, but it wasn’t mine anymore. Everything was different and everything was wrong.

I pulled the flask out of my pocket, glaring at it ruefully. Damned if she ruined that for me, too. I tipped it back and resigned myself to a night of forgetting, of moving on, of drinking her away.

I looked up at the sky, thankful for our dismal weather for once because the cloud cover hid the night sky. My flask wasn’t as full as I would have liked it. It wasn’t as effective as I’d hoped. But it dulled the ache, warmed my chest and made me feel just for a little while that everything wasn’t so screwed up.

When I drained the last drop, I still wasn’t drunk enough or numb enough. I was still empty and pissed and disappointed in myself for allowing any of this shit to happen. There was a reason I didn’t get involved. There was a reason I kept people at arm’s length. It was the reason I managed to survive what I did. You can’t depend on anyone but yourself. Despite what people may say, when it comes down to it, everyone is just out for themselves. I knew it then, but I chose to push past my cynical nature and allow myself to feel, to trust her. And it did me a lot of good. I ended up sitting alone with a flask ruined by a girl that didn’t even have the decency to tell me to go to hell before she took off.

Screw her. Screw everyone.

I was getting ready to make a trip to the liquor store down the street when I heard a rustling in the bushes. For a moment, all logic left me and my heart began to race as I wondered if it could be her coming back to explain that it was all a big misunderstanding.

For once, when Carter walked across the clearing towards me, I felt nothing but disappointment. This wasn’t something he could fix and I sure the hell didn’t need a pep talk.

I stared straight ahead, only seeing his movement in my peripheral vision. I made no attempt to hide the flask or pretend that I was just hanging out. I was in no mood to pretend. I probably couldn’t even if I tried.

He slowly lowered himself down onto the ground, arms wrapping around his bent knees. He stared off into the distance as if he were looking at the same thing I was. I wasn’t looking at anything.

I couldn’t just sit there and wait for him to say something. It was torture.

“Aren’t you going to ask?”

“Why you’re here?” he replied. “I think it’s pretty obvious. You and Jillian have a fight? Did you break up?”

I couldn’t help the laughing. It was full of all the bitterness and anger that had been stewing since I left her house.

“You can’t break up with someone who isn’t your boyfriend,” I replied harshly. “As a matter of fact, turns out you don’t owe them anything at all.”

Carter didn’t waver and continued to stare straight ahead, no doubt processing the information.

“What did she say to you?”

“She didn’t,” I replied, earning a curious look from him, “say anything. She just left.”

“Did you try speaking to her? There must be some explanation.”

“Yeah. I’m sure there is,” I replied. A couple of hours ago, I wanted nothing more than to call her and force an explanation. Now, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to hear it.

“So now what?” he asked cautiously.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, yesterday you were moving to New York.”

I knew it was hard for Carter to step outside the parenting role, but I didn’t want to think about career paths or lack-thereofs at the moment. I wanted to refill my flask and forget everything.

“I really don’t want to discuss this right now, Carter,” I replied.

“Come on. It’s freezing. You’ve done enough damage out here,” he said as he stood up and brushed himself off. “Besides, Grace made nutella and biscotti.”

He reached his hand out to help me up, smiling down at me. I came close to telling him to screw and shove his biscotti up his ass. But I didn’t. I grabbed his hand and dusted myself off. I followed him back to his car and slid into the passenger seat. We drove back home silently.

I knew what I was going to do before I even sat down at the table to try some of Grace’s biscotti and nutella. I knew it was going to suck because I didn’t like admitting I was wrong. I wasn’t going to call Jillian. I was going to call Jonas.

I excused myself and returned upstairs. Ignoring the mess on the floor of my room, once again I called Jonas to discuss my future.

“Jonas,” the familiar voice answered.

“Hey, man,” I replied quietly.

“Luke, I thought you’d be halfway to New York by now,” he responded coolly.

“Yeah, about that,” I began. “I’m not going to New York.”

“Ah. Trouble in paradise?”

“You could say that,” I replied, not wanting to give him a play-by-play. “I can be there tomorrow around eleven, if that’s okay.”

“Listen, Luke, what did I explain to you when we first talked about you working for me?” he began. “I needed someone dependable. Someone who wasn’t going to go running off to the first frat party they’re invited to. Remember? What happens if your girl calls next week and wants to see you?”

I tried to respond, but I was stunned by his response. I figured he’d give me a hard time, but it didn’t occur to me that he might say no.

“You’d go, right?” he pressed.

Would I? I didn’t know. I guess it wasn’t a no.

“That’s what I thought,” he replied when I didn’t answer right away.

“Jonas, I’d never leave you in a lurch,” I argued.

“I know you don’t think you would, Luke. I told you I know you’re a good kid, but things are just too complicated for you right now. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“If you just give me a chance,” I countered.

“Listen, we’ll talk again next month. If I haven’t found someone permanently, we can revisit,” he offered with a sense of finality. There wasn’t much else I could say.

“I’m sorry,” I replied. I felt like a piece of shit.

“I’ll talk to you soon, Luke,” he added before I heard the harsh click of a dial tone.

I hung up the phone and bent down to start picking up the mess I made earlier. My anger at the situation, no,
at her,
intensified as the implications came crashing down around me. I wasn’t going to college. I wasn’t going to New York, and now I wasn’t working with Jonas either. This wasn’t okay. This was bullshit.

I slumped down onto the edge of my bed, raking my fingers over my face. I needed a game plan, but how could I make a plan when the only thing I wanted just wasn’t an option anymore?

Exhausted from the events of the day, I cleaned up and crawled into bed. Tomorrow I’d drive to Seattle and convince Jonas that I made a mistake. Nothing was what I thought it was. I needed a chance to make things right. To forget any of this ever happened. I needed that fresh start.

I could barely remember back to the time when I daydreamed of coeds and body shots and the start of a new life. But I’d make myself remember. It had been erased by perfume, white underwear and Green Day. But it was all a mistake, leaving me wide awake and empty trying to forget her red lips and shirt.