Living in Shadow (Living In…) (18 page)

“It’s okay. It’s been a few years.”

She could feel him relax a little, his breath warm on her nape. And it struck her that she’d spilled her guts to him the night before, totally caught up in her own pain, not even giving a thought to him or what he wanted.

Kind of selfish.

Maybe it was. It was only that Piers had cast a long shadow and she hadn’t had the emotional energy to expend on someone else.

Be honest. You haven’t wanted to expend the emotional energy.

That was true too. Now, though, she felt different. And Luc was different.

An image flashed in her head, of him when he’d opened the door to her the night before, covered in sweat, his knuckles raw. A punching-bag accident, he’d said. Yet the look in his eyes had been… The only word she could think of was
haunted
.

Clearly he had demons too.

“So,” she said softly. “You know all about my dark past. What about you? Got any skeletons in the closet?”

“Not really. You know about my parents.”

“What were they like? Or is that too personal?”

“After last night you can pretty much ask me anything,
soleil
.”

Not that she would get an answer, she suspected. “Oh sure. So tell me about your mother. She was from the Ivory Coast, wasn’t she?”

“Yeah. Dad met her while he was working for a charity in Abidjan. She was beautiful. Passionate. Idealistic like Dad. I guess if you’re working for charities you have to have some kind of optimism or idealism. She loved helping people and she and Dad were passionate about what they did. Or at least…that’s what my grandparents tell me. I can’t remember much about them.”

She could hear the thread of sadness running through his voice. It hurt her in a way she didn’t expect. Tightening her hand over his, she changed the subject. “So you grew up in Abidjan?”

“In a town down the coast a way. I don’t remember much about that either, except that I went to a French school, which used to piss me off because it kind of set me apart from the other kids I used to play with.”

“Your parents didn’t want to live in New Zealand?”

“Eventually that was the plan. My mother thought it was important for me to know my African heritage before we came back here, plus she and Dad had work they wanted to do on the Ivory Coast first. They wanted to bring me back here for high school but…that didn’t really work out.”

No. Because they had been killed.

The sympathy gathering in her chest became an ache. It must have been terrible for him to lose his parents like that. And then to come back to New Zealand, a different culture, a different language… It must have left him so lonely.

Jesus. Perhaps this wasn’t the best line of conversation she could have chosen.

She shifted her fingers, looking down at the lean, brown hand on her stomach. “These tattoos,” she murmured, stroking over his skin. “What do they mean? The lines and dots. They’re interesting.”

Luc shifted, his arms withdrawing from her, the bed dipping as he rolled away. “A friend did them,” he said in a flat tone.

She turned over, frowning.

He’d gotten out of bed, prowling over to a set of drawers and pulling out some clothes.

“Luc?” She sat up, puzzled. “Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?”

He tugged on some boxers and jeans, doing up the fly, the impressive muscles of his abs flexing. “No. I’ve got a lecture in an hour so I should get going.”

Oh bullshit she hadn’t said anything wrong. Something had killed his hard-on, that was for sure. Why else would he have gotten out of bed so quickly?

“Luc…”

He pulled a T-shirt on over his head, jerking it down in a short, sharp movement. Then he turned and strode back over to the bed, that dark, intent look in his eyes.

Her pulse accelerated as he leaned down, taking her face between his hands. “This isn’t over,
soleil
.
I want to see you again.”

Jesus, when he held her like that, when he looked at her like that, she was putty in his hands. And she couldn’t remember what she’d been about to say. “Okay,” she murmured. “I want that too.” Because she did want to see him again. Now that she’d finally broken out of her cage, she wanted to explore.

Is it really only about the sex?

The thought disturbed her for some reason. It
had
to only be about sex. She couldn’t afford to get involved with him any further than they were already because he was still a student and she was still his professor. And aside from anything else, she wasn’t sure she was ready for a relationship anytime soon.

His thumbs stroked along her cheekbones. “I know you’re worried about the professor-student thing, so I’m going to see if I can find a way around it.”

She blinked at him. “I thought that didn’t matter to you.”

“Yeah, but it matters to you, right?”

Oh God. This could end up being very bad. Very bad indeed. “Yes.”

“Which is why I suggested finding a way around it.” He let her go and straightened. The corner of his mouth turned in a faint smile. “In fact, I’m warning you now,
soleil
, I’m very good when it comes to finding ways around things.”

“I’m pleased to hear it.”

His smile faded. “You know…I can’t promise you anything, Eleanor.”

Something pricked at her, a sharp, fleeting pain. She pulled the sheet more firmly around her. “Well, that’s fine. I’m not in the market for promises anyway.”

“Okay.” He put his hands in the pockets of his jeans, the strange fabric cuff on his wrist bright against the blue denim. “Look, I can’t stay for breakfast or anything. I’ve got some shit to do this morning. But I’ll come and find you in your office on campus today. We’ll talk.”

“What about locking this place?”

“Just pull the door shut when you leave.” He didn’t move for a moment, staring at her. Then he turned and abruptly walked out.

Eleanor swallowed. Christ, why had it suddenly gotten awkward? She got off the bed, hearing the front door slam shut behind him as he left, going over to where her clothes were and dressing slowly.

It had been her questions, she was sure of it. He hadn’t wanted to answer them. Why? What was he protecting himself from? Because he was protecting himself, of that she was sure. She was a master of the art herself, after all.

So he’d gotten her to come here with the promise of telling her his secrets but had ended up revealing precisely nothing. Why did that even matter to her? As the conversation had proved, neither of them were in this for anything more than the sex and yet…she wanted to know the answers to the questions.

She wanted to know more about him.

She’d been selfish the night before, had let herself be deflected. Getting totally caught up in her own pain, not even thinking about how any of this might impact him. And he had his own issues, that was clear.

Doing up her blouse, she looked around his bare room where there were no pictures. No photos. Nothing but the bed, the chest of drawers and some books. Like his lounge area, there was nothing personal at all about it. As if he were only a guest here.

She felt quite desperately sad all of a sudden.

He’s not your business. He’s merely a guy you’re sleeping with.

Yeah, of course he was. And she didn’t want anything more than that.

But he stayed in her head and he was still there when she finally got in to work, the essays she’d been marking sitting on her desk from the day before.

Dropping her briefcase beside her desk, she sat down and stared at all the red lines she’d drawn through someone’s work.

God, had it only been yesterday that she’d done that? It felt like a lifetime ago.

She really needed to get on with more marking. Instead she shoved the essays to one side and typed a name into her computer, bringing up Luc’s academic records.

Searching for clues.

There wasn’t much to go on. His school marks were brilliant, though it was strange he graduated from high school at twenty, a good two years older than most high school graduates. If he was so brilliant, why had he spent that long in high school?

They wanted to bring me back here for high school…

What he’d said to her earlier that morning about his parents. He’d been twelve when they’d been killed and yet…

She frowned at the dates on the screen. He hadn’t started high school at the usual age for kids in New Zealand, which was around twelve or thirteen. He’d started at King’s College when he was seventeen. That couldn’t be right, could it? Because that meant there was a five-year gap in his schooling and that was…strange.

Had he even been in New Zealand? Or had he stayed with other family in Africa after his parents had been killed? And if so, why had he come back?

More importantly, why do you want to know?

Good question. Because no matter what she told herself, it felt like he was more than only a guy she was sleeping with. And she didn’t want to be the person who took and never gave anything back. Especially after what he’d given her.

But what could she even give him when he didn’t want to talk?

She sighed, closing down the window on the screen. And tried to get on with the rest of her day.

Luc finished his talk with the dean and headed down the corridor in the direction of Eleanor’s office.

Perhaps he should have checked with her first before he’d made his decision but, what the hell, it was too late now. And if it didn’t work out he wouldn’t have lost anything.

Fuck, even a couple more nights with Eleanor would make it worth the hassle.

You’re reorganizing your entire degree purely so you can keep having sex with her?

Luc ignored the thought as he approached her office door. He wasn’t reorganizing his degree. He was just making it easier for both of them to see each other. And sure, he didn’t have to do it that way, but he wanted to.

It mattered to her and what mattered to her was important.

The door of her office was open and she was sitting at her desk, marking essays from the looks of it. She must have gone home after this morning because she wore different clothes to what she’d been in the night before. A dark-charcoal skirt and deep-blue blouse. The color was a beautiful contrast to her hair and when she looked up and saw him, it gave the gray of her eyes a faint blue tinge.

She smiled and he felt something catch inside him. A soft pause, like a note dropped from a song or a missed footfall.

“And what can I do for you, Mr. North?”

Dismissing the odd feeling, Luc stepped into her office. And shut the door.

Her eyes widened. “Uh…Luc…”

“Come here,” he ordered softly. He’d take this one last thing and then he’d be good.

She darted a look at the door behind him, but after a moment’s hesitation, got up from her chair and came around the desk to stand in front of him. She met his gaze and raised an eyebrow. “So? What?”

Pushing him. A very good sign indeed, since he wanted to push back.

He reached out and gripped the back of her neck, pulling her toward him. Then he kissed her, hard and hungry at first, becoming gentler, sweeter. Committing the taste of her to memory because he was going to need it.

She didn’t protest, her mouth opening under his, giving him back all that sweetness. And he wanted to keep on kissing her, keep exploring her, but of course he couldn’t. Not now. Or at least, not yet.

He let her go, stepping back. “I’m not going to touch you again. I just wanted one kiss.”

She smoothed her hair, her hand trembling. “I guess I should be grateful it’s only one. But…what do you mean you’re not going to touch me again? I thought you wanted more?”

Was that disappointment in her eyes? He fucking hoped it was. “I do. But I don’t want to put you in a bad position with your job.”

Eleanor turned away, going back to her desk and sitting down, smoothing her skirt, getting herself back in order. But there was no hiding that flush in her cheeks. Or the glitter in her eyes. It made him feel way too fucking smug for his own good.

“You haven’t got long before you finish your degree, though, have you?” She put her elbows on the desk and leaned forward. “I mean, if you’re talking about us waiting until you’ve finished…”

“Two whole semesters.” Which was about six months. And way too damn long to go without touching her.

“Oh,” she said.

He was being a prick, but he liked that her disappointed look meant she obviously thought six months was way too long too. “Don’t want to wait?”

Her sharp, gray eyes came to his. “Why? Do you?”

Luc smiled. “Not in the fucking slightest. Which is why I’ve found a workaround. I’ve just finished speaking with the dean about completing my last few semesters at Victoria.”

She frowned. “But that’s six hundred kilometers away.”

Victoria University was in Wellington, down at the other end of the North Island from Auckland. Clearly she thought he was going to move down there.

He smiled. “Don’t worry,
soleil
, I’m going to complete them by distance education.”

Which meant he could take the courses online and stay in Auckland. But most importantly of all, since he’d be at a completely different university, it meant Eleanor wouldn’t be his professor anymore.

She sat back in her chair, her eyes going wide. “You’d really leave the law school here for me?”

“It doesn’t matter to me. As long as I get a degree at the end of it, I’m happy.”

The flush in her cheeks had deepened. “That’s…a pretty big thing to do, Luc. Just so we can…” She stopped.

“Sleep together?”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

A thread of tension pulled tight inside him. “You said you wanted more.”

She let out a soft breath. “And I do. But I don’t want you to do something that might put your degree at risk. At least not on my account.”

Luc stepped forward, putting his hands on the edge of her desk, leaning forward and looking her in the eye. “And don’t you think you might be worth it, Eleanor May?”

But she didn’t look away and he had the strange feeling that she was the one doing the confronting for a change, that sharp gaze of hers seeing into him. “No,” she said bluntly, “I don’t. We’ve had sex, Luc, and, sure, it was pretty good sex, but good enough to completely rearrange a four-year degree so you can keep having it?”