Living in Sin (Living In…) (10 page)

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because no one’s ever asked.” And he spoke the truth because she deserved to have it. “No one except you.”

That got to her, he could see it in the brief flare of green in her eyes. But then she looked away again, the toe of one shoe scuffing at the kitchen lino. “We can’t do this any other way? Does it have to be so absolute?”

He paused, thinking about it. About what he wanted from her and how it was possible for there to be another way. But another way wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t quite know why it had to be her in particular either. Perhaps it was because she was the one who’d roused him after a long period of feeling nothing. Or perhaps it was only because she kept challenging him. There was, of course, the titillation factor too—everything about being with her would be wrong and that kind of “wrongness” had always attracted him.

In the end, though, only one thing was important and that was he wanted what he wanted. End of story.

“No,” he said, “there is no other way. It’s this or nothing.”

“Why?”

“Because if I’m going to go to hell for screwing you, ballerina, then I may as well make it count.”

She let out a breath, staring down at the floor. “It’s a big ask, Kahu.”

“That’s why I’m not asking you. You wanted to know what I want, so I told you.”

Lily shifted again. Her fingers were white where they clutched the edge of the counter. “And if I don’t want to do this?”

Disappointment snagged him, but he refused to acknowledge it. “Then you don’t. But our Monday nights will have to stop.”

“That’s hardly fair.”

He shrugged. “It’s the way it is.” No way he was going to put up with sitting in a room with a hard-on, knowing he wouldn’t be able to touch her. He wasn’t that much of a masochist.

“Hey,” Rob called from down the other end of the hall. “Can you grab me a beer too?”

“Sure,” he called back. Pushing himself away from the doorframe, he went over to the fridge and got out two beer bottles. The bottle opener was in the drawer where she was standing and it wasn’t a good thing to get near her, not here, but he’d never been very good at being good.

Letting the fridge door fall closed, he slowly walked over to where she stood and she watched him come closer, her eyes wide. He stopped, inches away from her, smelling the light, musky, feminine scent of her, flowers and something else. It made him hard, made him remember the taste of her, salty and tart.

She blinked at him, her gaze falling to his mouth and back to meet his eyes again.

Tension pulled tight.

“I need the bottle opener,” he said, breaking it.

She flushed. “Oh…uh…sure.” Turning, she pulled open the drawer and handed it to him.

Yeah, he was a dick for getting into her space, especially when he was going to have to go back out to see Rob with a slowly hardening cock. But he hadn’t been able to resist. This might be the last time he’d ever get close.

He took the opener and opened the bottles then gave it back to her. “I won’t expect you Monday, Lily.”

She put it back in the drawer. “I haven’t said no yet.”

“Like I said, I won’t expect you.” He turned and began to walk out of the kitchen.

“And what will you do if I turn up?”

He didn’t stop. “I’ll send you away.”

But he knew, deep down, he wouldn’t.

Chapter Nine

Lily paid the driver then got out the taxi, pulling her coat more tightly around her as she stepped out onto the sidewalk. It was still shitty and cold, but at least the rain had stopped, which was a bonus.

She turned and looked at the building the taxi had dropped her off outside of, black iron railings and ivy-covered walls. Old and distinguished. Except of course there was nothing distinguished about what went on inside those ivy-covered walls.

Jesus. What was she doing here? Was she really going to do this?

But no. Thinking was what she’d been doing all weekend and she was sick of it. She’d made her decision. She wasn’t going to go into second-guessing herself all over again.

She walked up the steps to the blue front door of the Auckland Club and knocked. Loudly.

He’d said he’d send her away. Time to put that to the test.

Her heartbeat had sped up and her mouth was dry and she was probably insane for wanting to do this, but nevertheless, here she was. She didn’t even know what had been the thing that had made her decide to do it. Whether it was the fact that he’d told her he wouldn’t see her again if she didn’t, or that no one had ever asked him what he wanted. She almost couldn’t believe that. His reputation as a womanizer was entrenched and it seemed inconceivable that there hadn’t been at least one woman who’d asked him that question. Apparently not.

There had been attraction in the thought of being that woman. Of being the only one who’d ever asked. Of being the only one he’d ever wanted it from. Yet that was only a part of the reason she’d decided to come here. There was probably a little bit of her fighting spirit in there as well, the stubborn part of her that wouldn’t admit defeat.

Largely though, she was here because he wanted something from her. And she wanted to give it to him. She was curious and every time she thought about him, she ached. She couldn’t stop thinking about it.

The cold wind swirled around her, making her shiver, though it probably wasn’t only the wind’s fault.

She was scared, yes, but she was here now and she wasn’t going to leave. It would only be one night and she knew that if she didn’t do it, she’d probably regret it for the rest of her life.

The door opened suddenly but it wasn’t Kahu. It was the club’s bouncer, Mike.

Shit.

“Uh…hi Mike,” she said. “Can I come in? I think Mr. Winter is expecting me.”

The guy said nothing, just stood aside and gestured to her to come in.

Holy
shit. Did that mean…?

Realizing she was standing there staring like a lunatic, she stepped into the club’s foyer, her heart racing.

“Mr. Winter is in the study,” Mike said, closing the door behind her. “Go in when you’re ready.”

She nodded. Okay, so he wasn’t going to send her away like he’d said.

Slowly, she walked down the hallway, her heartbeat now thundering like a plane taking off, before pausing outside the familiar study door.

Seriously, she had to get a grip on herself. He might even have changed his mind and wanted to see her to give her another lecture. Tell her in no uncertain terms that nothing would happen between them. Or something.

That would be a pity, though, especially considering she’d spent at least an hour on her appearance beforehand. She wasn’t used to dressing up for someone but she’d wanted to make the effort for him. Show him she meant what she said. She’d indulged in a scented bath and smoothed on her favorite body lotion before spending a good twenty minutes figuring out what to wear. Eventually she’d settled on her black lace dress with a silver shift on underneath. A subtle but classy—she hoped—combination. She didn’t wear heels but she didn’t think her black Docs looked too stupid with the dress.

Anyway, if all that wasn’t to his taste then she’d brought along something that might be: her pointe shoes.

Bracing herself, Lily opened the door and stepped into the room.

It was warm, the fire obviously having been lit for some time, the warm glow of it lighting up the dim space. And Kahu standing in front of it, watching her.

Everything seemed to draw tight, that thick, dense energy filling the space between them again.

He was dressed all in black, his presence tall and dark. Powerful. His inky gaze was enigmatic and for a second he seemed like a complete stranger to her, nothing to do with the young man who’d winked at her over the table once when she’d been a kid, or the cynical, disreputable rake who’d played chess and shocked her with his dirty mouth.

Her hands shook so she stuffed them into the pockets of her coat as she shut the door. “You told me you’d send me away if I turned up.”

“Yeah, well, I lied.”

There was a silence, the only sound the fire crackling in the hearth.

“Still,” Lily said, struggling with nervousness and fear. “Looks like you were expecting me.”

“Mike saw you get out of the taxi.”

“Oh.”

“And I had the fire going in here anyway.” The fire leapt behind him, the light glossing over his black hair. “Why are you here, Lily? Why did you decide to come?”

She walked forward until she stood behind his usual chair then put her hands on the back of it, wanting something to hold onto to so she didn’t fidget like a kid. “A few reasons. I’m curious and I want you. And if this is the only way I can have you, then I’ll take it.” She met his gaze. “And because no one’s ever given you this before.”

“It scares you, though.”

There was no point in denying it, even though she hated the acknowledgment. “I guess. A little. The unknown is always scary, isn’t it?”

“Is it me? Do I scare you?”

She blinked, not having thought about it before. “You’re a bit scary, yeah,” she said slowly, trying to pinpoint what it was that she felt. “But not because I’m afraid you’re a serial killer or anything. More because of…” She trailed off, her breath catching as she realized suddenly where all this nervousness was coming from.

She
was
afraid of him. Not because he was physically stronger than she was or that he would hurt her. No, it was far more complex than that. It was because of what he could make her feel. What he’d already made her feel. Out of control. Helpless…

Those emotions that had haunted her at her sickest. Those emotions that had followed her home once she was better and stuck around in the shape of her father and his distancing techniques.

She hated those feelings.

“Because of what?” Kahu asked. “If you’re going to do this, Lily, I need to know the truth.”

Her fingers dug into the material on the back of the chair. “I don’t like not being in control,” she acknowledged. “And I’m afraid you’ll make me give that up.”

“And I will, I told you that.”

“Well, that’s why I’m afraid of you.”

There was a pause, the tension still crackling between them.

Eventually he said, “The die isn’t cast yet. I’m not holding you to anything while we’re in this room.”

The nervous tension in her chest loosened a notch and she let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Oh. Okay then.”

“I’ve got some things I need to say in any case.” Kahu moved over to the drinks cabinet and got out their usual tumblers, pouring out some scotch. “Why don’t you sit down?”

Lily did so, dumping her satchel on the floor beside the chair. He came over to her and held out the tumbler. She took it with a muttered thanks, gulping down a mouthful to soothe the nervousness still pulsing through her.

He went back to his own chair, sitting down and leaning forward, his glass held loosely between his hands, elbows on his knees. There was something very controlled about his posture. As if he was restraining himself somehow.

Was that for her sake? She shifted in her chair, not sure what to think about that. “So what did you want to say?”

He was silent a moment longer, then he said, “I’m not a challenge for you to overcome or a way to prove yourself, understand?”

The intensity in his night-dark eyes was unmistakable and she felt a shiver go through her. She nodded, her voice too thick to speak.

“And I know what I’m asking for is major, believe me, I know. I’ve been the one doing the giving before and it’s not easy.” He paused, took a sip of his drink. “It’s a matter of trust, Lily. So if you don’t trust me, you may as well walk out that door right now.”

“I do trust you.”

“Enough to give yourself totally to me? Enough to give me the control? Enough to let me make all the decisions about what’s right for you and your body?”

Okay, so maybe that needed thinking over a little more. She raised her glass and took another healthy swallow too. “Tell me why you need it, Kahu,” she asked as she put the glass down on the table again. “I think you owe me that.”

He didn’t answer immediately, his gaze on hers, the look on his face unreadable. “I don’t owe you anything, ballerina.” His tone was mild but she heard the steel running through it.

And suddenly she knew that unless he told her, this wasn’t going to happen. If she was going to give him everything, trust him, then she wanted this at least from him in return.

“You want me to trust you,” she said. “Then I want to know why I should.”

“The whys don’t matter. All that matters is that you do.”

“They might not matter to you but they do to me.”

His features hardened. “What you want doesn’t matter, I told you that.”

Bizarrely, she felt her eyes prickle. Like she was going to cry or some stupid shit. Which was weird because this shouldn’t matter so much. She should be able to get up and walk away from him if he wasn’t going to give her this one thing. It should be easy. It shouldn’t feel as if she was losing something she’d wanted desperately.

“Then I can’t do this,” she said thickly.

Another of those impossible, heavy silences fell. And the look on his face made that ridiculous prickle behind her eyes worse because it was so angry.

“If I’m going to give you everything,” she whispered, “is it so wrong to want a little something from you in return?”

He looked away, down at the glass in his hands, silent for so long she thought he wasn’t going to answer. Then he said, his voice so quiet she barely heard him, “I gave everything I was to Anita, but she never gave herself to me in return. She always held something back. Oh, she gave me lots of things, lots of opportunities. But never what I actually wanted.” He raised his head, met her gaze. “So that’s what I want now. I want to feel what it’s like to have someone give themselves to me wholly and without reservation. Just once.”

Her chest felt tight, her throat thick with emotion. Because she saw pain in his eyes. Pain and anger. He’d loved Anita and for some reason the woman hadn’t loved him in return, which seemed wrong. Unfair. Because Kahu Winter was a good man. A strong, intelligent, passionate man. If a man like that loved you, why wouldn’t you love him in return? How could you
not
fall in love with him?

Something shifted inside her heart. Something she didn’t want to acknowledge. A possibility…

You could love him.

No, love was not on the agenda. Love had never been on the agenda. She was only twenty for Christ’s sake. She had stuff to do, like that audition, a career in ballet.

Like losing her virginity.

Lily reached out and grabbed her glass, drained it then set it back down with a click. “In that case, I want to do this. I want to do this for you.”

Kahu stared at her for a long moment. “Be sure, Lily. Because once we leave this room, once we go upstairs, I’m not going to let you have this choice again.”

She didn’t know why that quiet assurance made the breath catch hard in her throat, why it chased little chills over her skin. But one thing she did know. “I’m sure.”

Something dark flared in his eyes. “You need a word. Something that’ll tell me I’ve pushed too far that isn’t no.”

Oh Jesus, what was she getting herself into? “Why can’t it be no? Shouldn’t that be enough?”

“It isn’t. I will push, Lily, make no mistake. Because you might think you’ll be fine about giving me everything now, but when the time comes you may change your mind. It’ll be exposing and you’ll be afraid. Venturing out of your comfort zone is always scary.” He didn’t move, his expression intent. “But I’ll push you out of it and you won’t like it. You might say no and I’ll keep going, and you’ll have to trust that I know what I’m doing.” His voice dropped, becoming rough. “Sometimes the greatest pleasure can be found on the other side of fear. Sometimes surrendering control can be the best thing there is.”

The chills increased, goose bumps rising over her skin, her breathing coming faster. Those words should have terrified her and yet they didn’t. They were seductive, a siren call to something deep inside of her, a part of herself that yearned for safety, for someone to hold her, care for her. Tell her not to worry. To take away the burden of all that control.

Fuck, she was trembling and she didn’t even know why. She clasped her hands together to stop the shake. “That sounds like experience talking.”

He swirled the scotch in his glass but didn’t drink, watching her. “I’ve done it, yes. For Anita. For the clients I had before that, though that really wasn’t about pleasure. But now I want to try the other side. I want to hold the reins.” His hand stilled. “It’s a gift, Lily. And I know the value of it. I would never treat it as nothing.”

She could hear the sincerity in his voice and it helped calm her. “I know you wouldn’t.” And she meant it. “So, I have to think of a word?”

“Yes. The more out of context the better.”

“Um… What about ‘ballet’? It’s something I’ll remember anyway.” And then, feeling suddenly self-conscious, “Or is that too stupid?”

A faint smile curved his mouth and the nervousness in her chest loosened another notch. “No, it’s not too stupid. Ballet is perfect.”

“Oh good.” She eyed him since he was looking at her as if waiting for something. “What?”

The smile lingered on his mouth. “Did you bring your ballet shoes?”

And just like that, the nervousness was back, bringing with it the chills and the shivers, the flutter of desire deep inside her. “Yes,” she whispered. “I did.”