Living with Love (Lessons in Love) (12 page)

“Oscar, that’s amazing!” Alex beamed. She was shocked at how grounded his plans were. Previously, Oscar dreamt of writing an Oscar
-winning screenplay or being in the next Nirvana. His dreams were always so big, but being a teacher was obtainable. It was a dream rooted in practicality and so unlike him.

“Being a teacher would be great, but it’s…” Alex trailed off, not sure how to proceed.

“But it’s not very me,” Oscar concluded the sentence for her.

“Well, yeah,” Alex admitted.

“I know it doesn’t seem like the perfect fit for me, but it is. I love being challenged, and I love literature. And I could use my experiences to reach out and help other troubled kids.”

“That’s very noble.”

“Alex, you showed me that life carries on. I can’t sit around and let my youth just pass me by. I need to make something of myself. I need to honor Olivia’s death.” The sparkle in Oscar’s eyes was muted by gathering tears.

“I’m proud of you, Oscar,” Alex said, her own eyes growing wet with emotion. “All I ever wanted was for you to plan a future of your own and be happy.”

“I’m definitely trying,” Oscar admitted. “And my folks are really happy about it. I realize now that I was stupid to try to kill myself, to put them through it. It was selfish.”

“Oscar, you were unwell.”

“Well, I’m trying to get better now. I have something to work towards and focus on.” His serious expression fell away, and his cheeky smile returned.

“Thanks for not laughing.” He smiled.

“I was holding it in; it wasn’t easy.” Alex smirked.

“Yeah, yeah
.” Oscar continued to smile. “So anyway, what’s on the agenda for tomorrow?”

“
Mamma Mia
,” Alex joked, her tone deadpan. “
Chicago
was merely the musical warm up.”

“Very funny.”

“I was thinking we could go round Central Park and the Natural History Museum.”

“Sounds good
.” Oscar smiled just as outside a police car hurtled past, sirens screaming out into the night, briefly illuminating the small room in blue light.

“Seriously, how do you sleep here?” Oscar laughed.

****

Oscar looked down at the tiled circle
, which was faintly dusted with sparkling frost. Each breath he took billowed before him like a cloud of smoke. Fall, it seemed, had departed the city the previous night as they slept, and winter had eagerly taken its place.

“Imagine
.” He spoke aloud the word emblazoned in the center of the circle, a tribute to John Lennon, the member of the Beatles who had been shot and killed in the city many years ago. Beside him, Alex also glanced down at the word. The memorial circle was even more poignant for them as they’d both lost someone, in particular Alex, whose father had been killed by a gunman.

“I thought you’d want to see this,” Alex said, her own breath misting before her as she leant against him.

“Yeah.” Oscar put an arm around her, and she nestled into his warmth. It felt good to be so close to him; it felt comfortable.

But before, each time Oscar
had held her close, her body would pulsate with longing, the sexual spark between them just waiting to catch fire. But now the heat of desire was gone, replaced by the warmth of friendship. Alex enjoyed his company, had missed him, but leaning against him, she didn’t feel the same urges she once had, the same attraction.

She wondered if it was because she or Oscar had changed, or maybe both of them. The summer apart seemed to have robbed them of their final feelings for one another, dousing the dying embers of the torch they had for one another.

“It feels nice hanging out together,” Alex said aloud, wanting to see how Oscar felt about it all, if his lack of romantic interest mirrored her own.

“Yeah
,” Oscar agreed vaguely, his eyes still upon the tiled memorial.

“Do you ever wonder, or
imagine,
” Alex stole from the tiled word, “what things might have been like if we’d not broken up?”

She felt Oscar stiffen beside her and pull away from her.

“I’m not trying to be difficult,” Alex said pleadingly.

“There’s no point dwelling on what might have been,” Oscar said coldly. “We need to deal with what is. I learnt that in therapy,” he added in a lighter tone.

“It’s good advice,” Alex admitted.

“Besides, we didn’t break up. You left.”

“And you resent me for that?” Alex asked, hurt.

“No
.” Oscar shook his head. “I’m just stating the facts.”

After that, each time Alex tried to draw close to him
, he’d move away from her. Before, he’d so casually thrown his arm around her, and it had felt so normal, so natural, but now he was keeping Alex at arm’s length. Whatever she had said, he hadn’t liked it.

****

“I don’t like you being mad at me,” Alex said that afternoon when they were looking at dinosaur skeletons within the Natural History Museum.

“I’m not mad at you,” Oscar corrected, fixated by a particularly impressive skeleton. “Can you imagine that these actually used to walk the earth?” he asked her, his eyes wide with boyish delight.

“You’re mad at me, I can tell,” Alex pressed, ignoring his dinosaur-related comment.

“I’m not mad at you,” Oscar repeated, moving on to another exhibit.

“Then why are you being distant?” Alex persisted. They’d been having such a good time together, and she didn’t want that to end but feared she had somehow jeopardized their friendship.

Oscar turned to face her. He looked handsome in his wool coat, which was partly open
, revealing a green sweatshirt and dark denim jeans. He was beginning to look more like the old, confident Oscar. Bit by bit, his old persona was returning. He smiled at her with sad eyes.

“I’m having a lovely time being here with you
. I don’t want to spoil it.”

“Why would you spoil it?”

Sighing, Oscar looked away but then forced himself to face her again. “Over by the memorial in the park, you said something about imagining how life would be if we were together.”

“Oscar, look, I didn’t mean anything by it
. I was just—”

“I need to be honest with you,” Oscar cut her off. Alex stood frozen before him, unsure what he was going to say.

Oblivious children milled about, gaping at the skeletons and weaving around the couple.

“We can’t talk here,” Oscar concluded, watching the passing school children.

“Okay then, where?”

“We can talk later
. Let’s just enjoy our day.”

Alex tried to enjoy the rest of the afternoon in the museum
, but she couldn’t stop fretting over what Oscar felt he needed to be honest with her about. She replayed the initial conversation in her mind but couldn’t figure out what he could possibly be mad about.

“I used to come here when I was younger, with Liv,” Oscar said suddenly, a surge of memories surfacing as they entered the Egyptian wing. “This was always her favorite part of the museum.”

Alex dared to run a comforting hand down his arm, and she was relieved when he didn’t bat her away.

“She was so smart, always into everything,” Oscar continued fondly.

“I imagine you were quite a pair.” Alex smiled.

“Between us we questioned everything. We must have driven our parents
crazy!”

“I’m sure they didn’t mind.”

“But this area, this was always the place she liked the most. Whereas I found it a bit macabre. The way they were so focused on death, with their tombs and mummification and such.”

“It is a bit dark
, I guess,” Alex agreed.

Oscar stopped beside a glass cabinet that was filled with the ornate treasures retrieved from a pharaoh’s tomb. He seemed distracted, as though his mind was elsewhere.

“Oscar, are you okay?” Alex came up beside him and asked gently.

“Yeah
.” He shook his head as though trying to clear his thoughts. “It’s just sometimes it hits me, that’s all.”

“About your sister?”

“Yeah.” He lowered his head sadly and sighed. “But I’m talking about it, and apparently that will make it easier.”

“It takes time.”

“Do you ever feel like that about your dad?”

Alex wasn’t sure how to admit that she’d not felt the harsh pang of loss for her father for quite some time. Somehow, without her being aware, the pain of losing him had dulled. Now when she thought of him
, she didn’t feel someone had just stabbed her in the gut. Instead she felt the emptiness of loss, but it was glossed over with the warmth of fond memories. She missed her father, of course she did, but his loss no longer ailed her as it once had. She’d managed to overcome her grief and not let it hinder her.

“Sometimes, I suppose
.” She shrugged in response, not wanting to commit herself to a concrete answer.

“Can we go?” Oscar asked suddenly, his own emotions becoming overwhelming.

“Sure.”

****

Outside on the main steps that led to the entrance of the museum, Oscar sat down and looked back grimly at the building.

“I’m sorry we had to leave.”

“It’s okay.” Alex smiled. A part of her still feared that she was responsible for the downturn in his mood.

“Are you hungry?” she asked, spying a nearby hot dog vendor. “I’m starving
, and having a hot dog is like a New York rite of passage!”

“Sure, I could eat
.” Oscar nodded.

Moments later Alex returned to him
, brandishing two hot dogs covered generously in ketchup and mustard, one of which she handed to Oscar.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. When I first came here I lived on solely these for like a week.” Alex laughed. “I was too scared to try to cook anything myself in case I burned my apartment building down!”

She was pleased when she noticed the lines around Oscar’s eyes crinkle in amusement. He took a big bite from his hot dog and nodded approvingly.

“They’re not so bad,” he commented when his mouth wasn’t full.

Hot dogs consumed
, Oscar once more gazed distantly out into the wide beyond.

“So are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Alex asked, growing impatient with his darkening mood.

“Like I said, back in the park you mentioned what life would be like if we were still together,” he began, casting a cautious glance her way.

“I loved you so much
.” He looked back into the distance, his jaw clenching. “And a part of me will always love you. But—” The word caught in his throat, and he coughed uncomfortably.

“But I’m not able to give anything to anyone at the moment, not like that. I need to focus on myself, on getting well. And when you said that, I feared that perhaps you were hoping for something more, that we could rekindle what we had
, and I was just going to disappoint you.”

Alex was silent as she absorbed what he was saying. She’d had no expectations about his visit, no agenda to rekindle their relationship. If anything, she had been enjoying their newfound friend status and was actually relieved to hear him say that he wasn’t still lusting after her.

“Oscar, that’s fine.” She placed a hand on his knee and gave it a light squeeze. “I want to be your friend, nothing more. I know you can’t handle anything else.” The last part she added for his benefit.

When Oscar looked across at her
, he was smiling. “So you’re okay being friends?”

“Defi
nitely.” Alex grinned.

“Because I didn’t want to let you down.”

“You’re not letting me down, Deloitte. It’s okay.”

“Cool
.” Relaxing, Oscar put his arm back around Alex’s shoulders and leant down and kissed her forehead.

“How about being friends with benefits?” he asked cheekily, unable to resist an opportunity to be his old, playful self.

“Don’t push it!” Alex laughed, poking him in the ribs.

For a moment they were silent, just enjoying the moment and being together. But then Oscar turned and looked back up at the museum longingly.

“Do you think we could go back inside?” he asked, aware how pathetic he sounded after he’d been the one who wanted to leave.

“Sure, but I thought it was making you sad
,” Alex noted with concern.

“It was
, but I know that I need to get past that. If I ever want to get better and move on with my life, I can’t let the pain of the past keep scaring me into submission.”

“Only if you’re sure
.” Alex got to her feet and dusted herself down as Oscar did the same.

“I want to enjoy my trip here,” Oscar admitted. “I don’t want to ruin it because I’m so plagued by the ghosts of yesteryear.”