Living with Shadows (20 page)

Still, he didn’t look at her and his expression never altered. At that moment she felt so very sorry for him. ‘Michael, promise me you won’t do anything like this again.’

His eyes filled up with tears and his lips quivered. ‘I can’t promise. They can’t watch me all the time. Some day I will do it.’

Kate reached out and touched his hand, both of them fighting with their emotions, neither of them wanting to let their feelings show. She knew he meant what he said but didn’t want to believe it. He was depressed and frightened. He’d get help in here. This was a hospital, and they would sort him out. They sat silently for about a minute. Michael composed himself and moved his hand away to rub the back of his neck.

‘Has anyone let your mother know?’

‘I told them not to. She’d only want to come and visit me.’

‘Wouldn’t it help to talk to her?’

‘Nope. She’d only worry and, besides, she never bothers coming to visit any other time.’

Kate knew he was determined on this and didn’t pursue it. ‘How are they treating you in here?’

‘All right. The nurses are nice.’ He turned and looked at her with the hint of a smile.

‘Well, that’s something. I hope you’re behaving yourself.’

‘You know me,’ he replied, lightening up a little. ‘I never thought you’d want to visit me.’

‘Well, there you are. I thought I couldn’t let you sit around doing nothing so I brought you some work.’ I produced a few worksheets on comprehension and spelling.

‘I told you you’re a slave driver. I bet you can’t stand to see anybody sitting around doing nothing in your house.’ I smiled, pleased to see him looking a little happier. ‘How will I get it back to you?’

‘Would you like me to visit you next week?’

‘Only if you want to. I don’t deserve it after the trouble I’ve given you.’

‘Well, it’s not the kind of news I relish first thing on a Monday morning, but I’ll forgive you as long as you have that work done for me next week.’ It felt better to keep things on a lighter note and she could see that Michael was beginning to feel more relaxed.

‘I can promise that at least. It’ll give me something to do. It’s boring in here.’

‘Yes, well I should imagine it’s much better than being on the wings, much quieter for start.’

‘It is, but it’s still prison, except I prefer nurses to screws any time.’

‘I can see they’ll have to watch themselves with you around. Right, I must get going. Haven’t had my lunch yet.’ She looked again at his skinny arms. ‘Are you eating properly?’

‘I wasn’t on the wings but they’re trying to get me to eat more in here. You women are all the same, always bossing us men around.’

‘It’s because you’re not capable of looking after yourselves.’ His perception of women was transparent. It was obvious he loved to be ‘bossed around’ by them. From what he’d written earlier, he’d had very little experience with girls but spoke as though he knew far more about them than he actually did. The irony was that he might never have a proper relationship with a woman again.

‘Oh, I nearly forgot.’ Kate reached into her pocket and handed him her letter. ‘I didn’t think I’d get chance to say some of the things I’ve written in this. I just hope it makes you feel better.’

His face broke into a smile. ‘Thanks,’ he said, taking it from her and stuffing it into his back pocket.

Michael walked down the corridor with her until they reached the nurse’s office. She looked up from behind her desk. ‘You wanting to go now?’ she asked, getting to her feet.

‘I’ll see you next week,’ Kate told Michael as the nurse went ahead of them to the steel door, the familiar bunch of keys jangling together on the chain at the side of her hip.

‘Yes. Thanks for coming and I’m sorry for all the trouble I’ve caused you.’ ‘It’s no trouble.’ She smiled at him and walked quickly away.

When they were almost at the top of the stairs she asked the nurse how Michael was coping.

‘Oh, he’s a bit on the quiet side but he seems to have settled in all right.’

‘How long do you think he’ll be in here?’

‘Depends on him, really. He’s having medication for his depression which should help and he’ll see the doctor once a week for a chat about his progress.’

‘Do you think he’ll try again?

‘It’s hard to tell. Sometimes people can give the impression that everything is fine but it doesn’t take much to tip the balance. All we can do is try and look after him while he’s in here.’

‘Of course.’ She didn’t mention what Michael had told her about his determination to succeed one day. He’d never trust her again if he thought she was repeating anything he’d told her. All she could do was hope that he’d feel better in a week or two now that his greatest fear was out of the way, for the time being at least. Kate thanked the nurse and returned to the waiting room until someone came to take her back to the gate.

She sat in her car for several minutes before driving off, just thinking about Michael’s bound wrists and how desperate he must have been to do that. What had he used? A razor blade? A few weeks earlier he’d walked into the classroom looking slightly self conscious knowing she was sure to comment on his clean shaven look. His black beard had gone because, he said, he just fancied a change.

Such an insignificant looking piece of metal with the potential to do so much damage. Kate remembered what it felt like to hold one between her finger and thumb, so thin it hardly felt of anything. She was about fifteen when she would go into the bathroom and look at herself in the mirror until she didn’t see herself anymore. She would wet her hair and slick it back behind her ears and then she saw a boy who looked like her. Boys didn’t get into trouble, only girls. She wasn’t allowed to go to dances like her friends, and boyfriends were out of the question. She began to lie about where she was going or who she was with because she wanted to be like her friends and do the things they did. Sometimes her mother would find out and keep her in for weeks. Then she would go into the bathroom and take a razor blade out of its small white wrapper and draw it across her arm until it bled. She would make several cuts, feel their sting, watch the blood trickle down her arm, and get an odd sort of pleasure from the secrecy of it. It seemed strange to think of it after all this time but even now the memory brought the same lurching feeling to her stomach that she used to experience all those years ago.

She hoped, now that Michael had people to look after him, he wouldn’t attempt anything like this again, but when she thought of the sadness in his eyes and the conviction in his voice, she didn’t feel one bit sure.

She switched on the engine and turned the car towards the exit. She wanted to get away from Michael’s sadness and the painful memories today’s events had resurrected in her. She thought about his not wanting his mother to visit. She wondered what it would be like to be her, to have a son in prison and not know what he was going through, or that he’d attempted suicide. If he did eventually go through with it, she might never see him again. How would she feel then? If it was her son, Kate didn’t think she could ever forgive herself.

The telephone gave out one long continuous tone. Kate immediately realised it was out of order, or disconnected, which was the more likely of the two. With a certain amount of apprehension, she flicked down the menu on the telephone until she found Ben’s mobile. It rang for a few moments before he answered.

‘Hi, I’m just ringing to see how you are. You’re not at work, then?’

‘No, I’ve rung in. I’ve got the ‘flu.’

His words sounded slightly slurred and alarm bells began to ring. ‘You sound odd,’ she told him, afraid of accusing him of drinking until she heard what he had to say.

‘S’probably the tablets. I took some not long ago.’

‘Would you like me to come over?’ Something told her there was more to this and she needed to see him to put her mind at rest.

‘No, Mum, honest. I’ll be fine. I’m already feeling better than I did a couple of days ago.’

Too eager. He seemed too eager for her not to go over there. ‘It’s no trouble. I could be there in an hour, make your tea; what do you fancy?’

‘Mum, stop fussing. I’m all right. God, anyone would think I was a kid.’

She had to make a big effort not to respond to that. ‘Your phone isn’t working.’

‘It went off a few days ago. I’ve rung them.’

Kate sensed frustration in his voice. ‘I’ve been meaning to call. Last time I rang, someone else answered. Have you got a flat mate?

‘No, I didn’t bother. I don’t think it would have worked. Must have been one of my friends. They stay over now and then. How are you and Jim, anyway?’

‘We’re fine. I had a shock when I went to work last week . . .’ She told him all about Michael, how she worried about him and how sad he seemed.

‘Well, there’s nothing anyone can do in the end. It’s his choice.’

She realised that’s what most people would say, and in the same matter of fact manner. You had to
know
the person to be concerned for them, otherwise, yes, she imagine one would think that in the end that’s all it boils down to, someone’s choice. ‘Are you coming over soon? Stay the weekend if you like.’

‘Yeah, that’d be great. I’ll leave it a few weeks if that’s okay. I’m decorating the living room and I want to get it finished.’

‘I could come and give you a lift this weekend if you like,’ seizing an opportunity to visit.

He was quick to reply. ‘You’re okay, a friend’s helping me.’

She already knew he would decline the offer but warned him that if he didn’t come over in the next few weeks, she would most definitely be paying him a visit whether he liked it or not.

‘Right, Mum, it’s a promise.’

Reluctantly, she let him go. There was no more to be said. The more she pushed to see him, the more he resisted. The worst thing was she was never quite sure what to believe. Was he really decorating his flat? It’s not something you’d feel like doing if you were just getting over the ‘flu.

Then she tried to rationalise her fears; that the way she was thinking was partly to do with her own insecurity. She had recently lost her brother and on top of that was the shock of Michael. Her thoughts returned to him and she found herself looking forward to seeing him on Friday. She hoped her letter had given him some hope, no matter how small.

15
th
April

Well I’ve just opened your letter I’ve been dying to read it and now I’ve read it a few times I never really thought you thought this way you are not a selfish person for from it you are a warm and wonderful caring person one in a million you are the nicest person I ever met and I’m not saying this to be kind I mean every word of this I felt very guilty for hurting you the way I did I’am really truly sorry you have been so good to me and I treat you like this I just wanted to put my arms around you and say how sorry I was for upsetting you and making you feel so bad I find Im always letting you down one way or another it was like the other Tuesday I noticed that your top was revelling a little bit more than you realised I found myself in two minds about saying anything because I felt embaressed about saying something and I did not want to embaress you its like when you come over to me and started explaining the work you wanted me to do well you sort of lent a little to far over and well my eyes were all over the place I have to be honest with you I did look for a few moments Im sorry I could not help myself Im a weak person I could not help thinking what a beautiful site it was you looked so sexy so after I had seen enough I don’t mean it that way don’t get me wrong I could have looked down there all day if I could or if I was allowed to that is I don’t want you thinking Im just some sort of pervert Im not far from it you know how much I fancy you well it was like you made all my christmas’es and birthdays seem like they all come at once come on at least Im being honest with you Im sure if you were me and I was you you would not have been able to resist a look its only human nature to look at the opissite sex I hope you never get rid of that black top now it would be a very sad day if you do look I hope Im not embaressing you because you should be proud of the fact your in your 40s and you still got it going on the sexiest 40 odd year old I ever seen Im not just saying this because Im in prison or just being kind I mean it put it like this I would not mind waking up to you each morning or if circumstances were different I’d marry you no problem Id look after you when your grey and old I wish I could prove this maybe Id get my chance in the next life you know me I know my own mind what I say I really mean