Locked and Loaded (Bullet, #6) (12 page)

A good fifteen minutes later, the teenager came in the living room, rubbing her hands on the thighs of her jeans.  “Good as new,” she said.  Jennifer wondered what the hell the girl had done to merit that much cleaning...but she didn’t want to know.

“Great.”  Jennifer stood, realizing she had been growing sleepy in spite of watching her child’s enthusiastic play.  Zane had already left her mind, although he was back in there now that she’d given it conscious thought.  She wasn’t going to dwell on his memory, though.  She’d give the entire situation a lot more thought in the morning when her head was clearer, her heart better able to grapple with the emotional trauma.

She handed the money to Kara.  “You don’t have to give me this much, Mrs. M.  You were back earlier than you thought.”

Jennifer smiled.  “You were here for me, willing and able to put in the time I needed.  Just because I didn’t use it doesn’t mean you weren’t worth it.”  Just then, the doorbell rang, causing Jennifer’s brow to wrinkle and suspicions to dart through her mind.  “You expecting someone?”

“Oh, heck, no, Mrs. M.  I don’t have people over when I’m babysitting.”

Hearing her say those words made her feel lots better—but it made her wonder who the hell was ringing her bell this close to midnight.  That couldn’t be good.  It was never good when someone came by that late at night.

Jennifer had to lock the door behind Kara anyway, so she walked the few feet to the door, peeking in through the peephole.

She didn’t see anyone at first, could only see the door across the hall.  But then he came into view, a guy who was pacing back and forth.

Yeah...not
any
guy.

Zane.

She didn’t believe he had the audacity to show up at her door after what had just happened.  That was ballsy as hell.

But that was Zane and, as much as she hated to admit it, that was one of the things she loved about him—how he constantly stormed through areas where angels feared to tread.

It didn’t change the fact that she was insanely pissed at him.

“Who is it?” she heard Kara say, right behind her.

Jennifer drew in a slow, deep breath.  “My date.”

“Your date?  Showed up here?  Why?”  As soon as she said it, Kara slapped her hand across her mouth and her cheeks turned pink.  “Oh, crap.  Sorry.  That’s none of my business.”

Man, Jennifer loved this girl.  She was going to hate seeing her leave next year.  She smiled.  “I wasn’t expecting him.  I was wondering the same thing.”

“Oh.  Um...I guess I should leave anyway.”

Part of Jennifer wanted the girl to stay—Zane wouldn’t spout nearly all he wanted to with another party there.  Only God knew what he wanted to say to her, what bullshit he had the nerve to spew, and maybe having another party there would temper his output of baloney.

She opened the door, and Zane looked over from pacing.  “Jen—”  He started to say more but shut his mouth when Kara walked through the doorway.

“Night,” Jennifer said to her babysitter as the girl walked down the hall a few yards and then turned the doorknob to her parents’ apartment.

The look on Zane’s face was priceless as he tried to figure out what Kara had been doing in Jennifer’s apartment.  She could see the gears turning, but he couldn’t connect the dots...which was just as well.  She didn’t want Zane to know a damn thing about their daughter.  He hadn’t earned her trust for something that monumental, and she was beginning to doubt he ever would.

She could feel the crusty look on her face but she didn’t care.  She started pushing the door closed, and it shouldn’t have surprised her when Zane shoved against it.  “Jen, wait.”

She knew she didn’t have the strength to close the door on him, much as she would have wanted to.  Now, it would be up to him as a gentleman to honor her wishes.  “Why should I?”

“I just want to talk to you for a minute.”

One deep breath to keep her anger in check.  Screaming and yelling at him would accomplish nothing, although it could potentially wake the neighbors.  “There’s nothing to say, Zane.”

“Yeah, there is.”

“There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind.”

“Then can you give me just two minutes?”

Jennifer was getting ready to respond once more—purely on an emotional level, so there was no prepared statement, no logic behind it, just the desire to have him get the hell out of her sight—when Zoe toddled up to the open door and paused, just inches from Zane.

Her daddy.

Shit.

She was still looking at her daughter when she heard Zane say, “What the fuck?”  He squatted and she heard him say, “I mean...what the
hell
?  Hi, baby.  Who are you?”  Jennifer swallowed and looked at him through the gap.  “Is she
your
baby?”

Oh, thank God he didn’t ask if Zoe was
his
...because she wasn’t ready to lie.

Zoe grinned and stuck her dimply hand out the door.  How could Zane resist that?  He took her tiny fist in his fingers and shook it, grinning.  Keep it simple, Jennifer.  “Of course, she’s my baby.”

“Why the hell didn’t you say anything?”

She felt the anger simmering beneath the surface, and she didn’t know how to stop it from bubbling over.  All she could do was try to stay calm.  “Because I obviously didn’t feel like it.”

He still didn’t stand, and Jennifer could tell it was because he was waiting for her to open the door.  “Why wouldn’t you?  She’s adorable.  I can’t believe you could keep her a secret.”

Yeah, she’d had a hell of a time keeping her daughter secret—that much was true.  But he needed some truth of his own—even if it wasn’t the whole truth.  “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think I could trust you...and I was obviously right.”

He did stand then, but he wasn’t removing his hand from the door.  “That’s not fair, Jen.”

“It
is
fair.  And you totally proved it tonight.”

“I want to talk about it, okay?”

“No.  You need to leave.”

He moved his face close to the gap so he wasn’t far from her.  “If you plan to kick me out of your life for good, what’s thirty more minutes?”

Damn him...he knew how to get to her every time—not just the words but the puppy dog eyes.  And that was why Jennifer opened the door.

––––––––

“J
EN, BABE...ALL that shit’s in the past, okay?  I was a kid—immature, thinking with my dick, impulsive.  But I
love
you.  I’ve always loved you.  You’re a hell of a lot more to me than just sex, babe.  You’re fucking
everything
.”

“I don’t know, Zane.  Why the hell should I even trust you?  What have you done to earn my trust?”

“That’s fair, Jen.  Just...seriously, look.  It’s been five years, girl.  You’re out of school, all grown up, with a job and shit, and look at me.  Huge fuckin’ band, just like I always knew would happen, and I can have anything I want, okay.  Anything and everything.  I’m not even lying.  But what do I want?  You.  Only you.  Don’t you think that speaks for itself?”

“Maybe...”

“Seriously.  Just...try me on again for size, okay?  We’re not kids anymore.  And if you don’t like the merchandise, you can return it at any time, no questions asked.”

“Zane...you’re insane.  You’re crazy.”

“Yeah.  Crazy about you.  C’mon, girl.  What do you say?”

“I must be fricking crazy, too...”

“Goddamn, Jen.  She’s a fucking doll.”

Jennifer turned away from the fridge to look over at Zane and Zoe.  Her daughter was sitting in her high chair.  Jennifer had cut up a banana, hoping maybe a little food in her child’s belly would help her grow sleepy.  In the meantime, she’d just brewed some coffee, hoping to help her and Zane stay alert long enough to have the requisite conversation.  If nothing else, maybe she’d be able to keep up with her child until Zoe finally grew sleepy, because, by the way the child was bouncing, it looked like drowsiness could be hours away.

As Jennifer brought the carafe over and poured the hot java in first his mug and then hers, she tried to keep her growing surprise to herself.  She was floored by how alike Zane and his daughter were.  She knew Zoe
looked
like Zane—she saw him in the child’s eyes every day—but she’d had no idea.  It was nuts.  Zoe’s eyes had stayed the same dark blue they’d been the day she was born, exactly like Zane’s, but Jennifer always forgot how dark Zane’s eyes were until she was with him again.  Those windows to his soul were mesmerizing and intense.

The skin color too...not pale like Jennifer’s skin, but a light olive, a hue Jennifer would have to work at acquiring, and she was sure it was a dead giveaway.

But Zane seemed to be clueless.  Thank God.

Fortunately, Zoe’s hair was blonde like Jennifer’s, and the child’s lips and nose looked like her too, so Zane could suspect all he wanted, but without a blood test, he’d have no way in hell of knowing.

Zoe banged on the tray, managing to avoid the bananas, as if agreeing with Zane wholeheartedly.

“Thanks.  She definitely is my pride and joy.”

He looked up at Jennifer, a dreamy look on his face.  “She has dimples just like you.”

She felt her muscles relax.  Yeah...she’d dodged the bullet.

* * *

Z
ane hoped he wasn’t giving it away, but he’d been floored with the knowledge that Jennifer had become a mother since they’d last been together.  When they’d made love earlier in the evening, none of the signs had been there—no stretch marks...and, crass at it seemed, her pussy was as tight as ever.  Maybe he should have figured it out from what he now realized were wider hips.  He’d already noticed how her tits seemed rounder.

And that
definitely
explained her more hesitant nature.

Her daughter was fucking adorable.  This meant he had competition—and Jen was already mega-pissed at him.  Would he be able to win her back?  Keep her?

Should he just give up now?

What was washing over him, though, was a revelation...that
he
had been the cause of all their breakups and fighting all along.  That made him sad and angry with himself.  He’d known he’d been part of it—a catalyst for a good many spats—but he was beginning to accept that he was the
main
reason...because tonight’s incident wasn’t unlike many other situations in the past.  What sucked most about that realization was that, yeah, maybe it could push him in the right direction, but it also made him want to drown in the toxic sea created by the self-loathing he already experienced on a day-to-day basis.

It fed itself.

He took a sip of the coffee Jen had handed him.  She was tousling little Zoe’s hair while sitting down at the end of the small table so that Zoe was diagonal from both of them.  As much as Zane was enjoying watching Jen’s daughter, he knew the two of them had a long, hard conversation ahead of them.

And he might as well start...get the hard stuff out of the way.  “Jen, I’m really sorry.  I—”

Jennifer held up her hand, palm out, signaling Zane to halt.  “Stop right there, Zane.  I’ve heard this apology a thousand times before and, frankly, I don’t want to listen to it anymore.”

He blinked.  “Fair enough.  But I don’t think it would be cool for me to just tell you to fuck off.  You don’t deserve that shit, Jen.”

She cocked an eyebrow.  “I agree with you there, Zane.  One-hundred percent.  I don’t deserve it all at.  I have never deserved to be treated the way you treat me...which is why we’re done.  For good.  D-O-N-E. 
Done.
”

“Aw, don’t say that, Jen.  We just barely got back together.”

“Exactly.”  She took a sip of her coffee.  Zane was impressed, because pure vitriol was pouring out of her mouth, but her words were calm, almost soothing, and he knew that to be her daughter’s influence.  “Which is why it’s so despicable that you would be sleeping with someone else when you knew you’d be on a date with me later.  Seriously, Zane.  What the hell is wrong with you?”

Okay...so maybe Zane
was
despicable and he felt awful, but he didn’t need to hear it from her too.  He heard all that shit enough in his own damn head.  Drawing in a long slow breath, he took a few seconds to get his thoughts straight.  Jennifer would never understand, never have any clue about what happened in his head all the time.  He barely stood a chance.  Most of it wasn’t easy to articulate, either.  Most shit he did on impulse—based on some deep-seated need to feel better.  He wouldn’t expect anyone else to understand it, because he barely could himself.

“I don’t know, Jen.  I don’t know.  But don’t give up on me again—not yet.  Don’t slam the door when we’ve barely had a chance.”

“Give me one good reason why, Zane.”  He started searching inside himself, but she wasn’t going to give him the opportunity to think.  “One good reason.  You make me feel like crap, Zane.  Like I’m not enough.  Like you don’t care.  Like I’m one of a million different girls—you just happen to remember my name.”

“That’s not true, babe.”

“That’s what it feels like.”

“But I...”  This was hard.  How could he explain what shit rolled around his head to her?

He knew he couldn’t.

All he had was himself to give.  “I love you, Jen.  I don’t want to lose you again.”

She started laughing then, and it hurt—more than he would have expected.  “You have a funny way of showing it.”

“I—I’ll stop.  I won’t do it anymore.”

“Won’t do
what
anymore?”

“Fuck around.”

She laughed once more.  “I’ve heard that before.”

Oh, fuck.  She
had
.  He knew he’d said it more than once in the past, usually after getting caught.

Yeah, Val had thought she had it bad.  Ethan’s infidelities were usually brought about by drug binges.  The guy would get so baked, he’d fuck the hole to the gas tank if his dick was anywhere near it, whether the hole looked sexy or not.  Zane was convinced that half the time, Ethan didn’t even realize he was having sex, let alone was cheating on the girl who loved him.

Zane, though...he knew fully well what he was doing, on drugs or not.  Drunk or not.  And it didn’t matter what chemicals were swirling through his head and veins—he fucking knew.