London Calling: BWWM New Adult Romance (Chase Brothers Book 2) (24 page)

"Yes, you can," he growled. "Give me another one." But even as he insisted on pulling another one from her, he felt nothing, knew there was no release waiting for him on the other side. The orgasm he'd been chasing had dissipated into thin air.

Closing his eyes tight, he pictured her smiling face as she danced around the living room. And the way she chewed on her bottom lip when she was working out a problem. Or the way she voraciously attacked food. Problem was, thinking about all the reasons he loved her only made him harder. Throb more. Made his skin, tighter.
Fuck
. He forced himself to pull out, even as his cock protested.

“Xander,” she begged.

He dropped his forehead to her shoulder and kissed her. "Yes, Angel?" The endearment slid off his tongue with ease. He reached over and grabbed the lube he’d brought in with him. He wanted all over her. Needed all over her. He had to find some way to erase the memory of what Ryan told him.

Gently, he pressed a lube-slicked finger between the seam of her ass, rubbing it over the tight pucker, pressing slightly. She gasped at first, then moaned his name as his finger slid past the tight ring of muscle.

He was barely able to tear the words out of his throat. But he would rather die than hurt her. "This okay?"

Imani nodded even as her eyes fluttered closed. Neither of them spoke. Only the sound of the water hitting the tiles and their panting filled the silence. He readied her gently, taking his time, adding on finger, then another, stretching her. He was careful with her even though he was way past the point of desperation.

Lining his cock up to her now-slick asshole, he pressed. She tensed immediately and he stilled. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her. When she turned to face him again, she bit her lip. The look of need mixed with a hint of fear softened some of the hard edges driving him on and he kissed her lips.

When she relaxed, her body softened and the head of his cock slid in easily. Fuuuck that was good.
Too good
. Reaching around her, he held on to her breast with one hand and stimulated her clit with the other. The tight grip of her ass on his dick hurtled him toward that release that he chased. But the deeper he sank into her, the harder the demons rode his back, taunting him.

She'll leave you when you tell her. She's not yours. She doesn’t know the kind of man you are. About the blood on your hands.
You think she'll stay with you after she finds out?

He gritted his teeth and held her close. In the distant echo of his mind, he heard her chanting his name over and over and over again as he slowly fucked her ass. His body surged into hers, taking her, claiming her.

Her orgasm slammed through her and he grunted when her body fisted around him like a vise grip. Spasming around him over and over again as she rode the wave, Imani went limp in his hands. But his hard-on still raged, throbbing and aching and wanting more. With long, measured strokes he fucked her ass, barely keeping hold of the slippery grip he had on his control.

Her voice was soft when she called his name on a moan. "Xander. I love you. I love you." She repeated it over and over and over again, bonding him to her with her words until the control slipped right out of his hands.

With a grunt, he fisted one hand in her hair and intertwined the fingers of his other hand with hers on the wall.

She lowered their joined hands to her clit and they stroked together. He followed her lead happily and reveled in the slickness coating both their fingers. She came again, her body sagging against the wall. He followed suit, his cock pulsing and expanding with each shot or his release deep inside her.

He didn't know how long they stayed that way. Certainly long enough for the water to cool. When he pulled his softened dick from her flesh, she hissed. He wanted to ask if she was okay. Wanted to know if he'd hurt her. Mostly he wanted to hold her. But the clawing need had receded. Now they'd have to talk—the part he wasn't very good at.

They both cleaned off silently then wrapped themselves in fluffy white towels before padding into the bedroom.

Once they were dressed, she sat on the bed and looked up at him, so he followed suit. He was careful not to sit too close, lest he touch her again and forget that they couldn't solve everything with sex. He wanted more from her.

"Where did you go last night?" she asked.

So they were jumping right in. "I stayed at a hotel after I took care of some things."

"I was worried. I looked everywhere. I even went to the Notting Hill flat."

He flinched. Did she really think he'd take someone there?
Of course, fucker. Why else would she go there?
"I wasn't there."

She shrugged. "Well, I didn’t really have a lot to go on." He scrubbed a hand over his face as she continued. “You have to talk to me, Xander. Otherwise this won’t work. Please." She reached out and took his hand, squeezing tight.

He shook his head. “Lex was fucking right. About all of it. He said the hate would eat me up from the inside and now I’m not seeing straight.”

“How you feel is understandable, Xander, but you can’t let it control your life. Look, Alistair is gone. He’s in the wind. You said so yourself. He won’t bother us anymore. He knows I know about your past. I didn't run. He has no reason to come back."

The lies he’d told were coming back to haunt him. "No, Imani. He's not just gone. It’s probably more permanent than you think.”

“What?” She whispered.

The disbelief on her face would turn to hatred, but he knew he had to tell her. “Still think you love me? I knew Alistair had borrowed money against the Trust accounts. He owed money to fucking Pushka. Since Trident is in trouble, he couldn’t pull money out of there without looking suspicious. I cut off his means to make money by announcing the sale and breakup of his company. And then I told Jean what he’d been up to at the trust. I systematically dismantled his life.”

“Xander, it’s understandable. After what he did to you.”

“Do you know Pushka are well known for their torture tactics? I subjected another man to that. A human being. But I didn’t care. What the fuck is wrong with me?" He could taste the salt of his tears. And the problem was, once he started talking to her, he couldn’t stop. “There’s blood on my hands, Imani. You can’t love me. Not after what I've done."

She squeezed his hand. "Alistair was a violent asshole who threatened my life. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come home that night. So I'm good with whatever you did to him. He made his own bed. You need to cut yourself some slack."

Xander pulled his hand away from hers. “How can you cut me any slack after what I just did to you?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Jesus, Imani.” He pushed to his feet and started pacing. “I wasn’t exactly gentle in the shower just now. Especially after what I know.”

She shook her head. “You didn’t hurt me. I needed to be with you as much as you needed me.”

His body vibrated. “Ryan told me last night. I know what he did to you. And even though I knew, I—I still did that to you.”

“Oh God.” She curled her body into herself and hugged her knees to her chest. “He told you?”

He felt like his heart was tearing out of his chest. “Yeah. Why didn't you say anything to me?”

She swallowed hard, but her voice was very calm. “Xander, it was my problem to deal with.”

A sudden flash of anger had him lashing out at her. “You went to rehearsal with him, every
fucking
day. Do you understand the dangerous risk you took? Maybe you were safe during rehearsal, but what about after? What about on breaks when he could find any number of reasons to get you alone? Do you even care that I love you? What was I supposed to do if anything happened to you?”

“I had it under control. I spoke to Charles and we were never alone together. I was as safe as I could be.”

“Why would you even agree to work with him, Imani?”

“You say it like I had a choice. He has an established career. And he got cast after I did, which meant Charles wanted a draw. I wasn’t enough. This is my livelihood. I tried to talk to Charles but Ryan had already beat me to it. Charles wouldn’t have believed me.”

All Xander felt was pain radiating through his body, for her, for himself. For the things they were afraid to say. “
I
would have believed you.
I
would have done something about it. Fuck, I did do something about it. Why wouldn’t you tell me? After everything I’ve told you. After everything we’ve already been through together. Why?”

Tears tracked down her cheeks. “You don’t understand.”

Xander planted his feet on the hardwood floor. “You’re shitting me, right?
I
of all people
would
understand. You say you love me, but that doesn’t extend to letting me too close. God forbid you ever depend on me for anything.”

She stood as well but instead of pacing, she wrapped her arms around her body. “That’s what this is really about? Xander, I can’t let you fix my life for me. After Ryan, I had to learn to function again. I needed to learn to get out of bed every day. To
not
be a victim. If I had quit the show or refused to work with him, he would have won. And what were you going to do, anyway?”

What he’d already done. He’d gotten infinitely more satisfaction from beating the shit out of Ryan than he had making Alistair pay. “I would have encouraged you to go to the police. I would have encouraged you to talk to someone.” He ran his hands through his hair. “Fuck, I wouldn’t have been such a fucking maniac with you. Jesus Christ, I’ve been so rough with you. I’ve made you do things.” His stomach rolled as he thought of what they’d done, at the club and just now in the shower. “Fuck, tonight.”

Imani placed her hands on his shoulders and shoved him. “Stop it. I wanted everything that happened tonight. From the second I met you, I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. And you’ve proven time and again if I say no, you respect that. I couldn’t be with you if I didn’t think that was true.” She swiped at tears on her face. “I’ve never felt like that in my whole life. Desired and free and in control of my sexual destiny. I need to feel that. I need to be desired. And to feel like I’m in control.”

“Imani…”

She shook her head and her lips took on a determined slant. “You’re not going to take that away from me. Maybe subconsciously it’s one of the reasons I didn’t tell you about Ryan. I don't want to be treated with kid gloves. I don’t trust many people in my life, but I trusted you. Enough to fall in love with you.”

“All I want to do is help you. I’m not trying to take away control. Why can’t you see that?” She was the most infuriating woman he’d ever met. How could she not see how much he loved her?

“The same goes here. I’ve watched you struggle with the nightmares for weeks. You refuse my help. You refuse to go talk to someone. Does that mean you don't love me like you say?”

“That is bullshit, Imani. This is different. Shit, your damn pride gets in the way of everything. If you took a second you’d let people do things for you. Fuck, I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you for weeks that I went to see your father without you flipping out on me.”

Eyes wide, she met his gaze again. “What did you do?”

He set his jaw. “What needed to be done.” He was shouting, but he didn't care. “I was trying to do right by you when I went to see your father. And with Briarwood. It’s all I want, to take care of you. To love you. Why won’t you let me?”

A frown creased her brow and she shook her head. Short little jerky motions sending her soaked curls flopping into her face. "You went to see my father? Why would you do that?"

He gritted his teeth. What he wanted to do was say he was sorry for betraying her trust. Instead, he said, "You were being irrational. I have the means, so I took care of it for you. Now all you have to do is enjoy your sister and not worry about a loan."

"Those were my decisions to make. I took pride in being able to do it on my own and you took that away from me.

His head throbbed. How had this gotten so fucked up? “Maybe we need a break."

She head snapped back as if he’d slapped her. “Fine. Maybe we do. Because it’s clear that neither one of us knows what love is.”

A
fter her fight with Xander
, she’d gone home. It was where she belonged anyway. She’d only been playing house with him. But it was nice to pretend. It should have been a relief to sleep in her old bed. The smell of vanilla filling the apartment. Her first stop had been Fe’s, but he hadn’t been home. Likely he was at Adam's.

She'd slept fitfully and woken up just after eight. Her schedule was mostly clear until five when she had to report to the theater for their second show. All morning she waited for an angry call from Charles or Ryan, but nothing. And frankly she was too chicken shit to call them. She’d have to sweat it out until it was show time. No matter what, her imagination went a little wild imagining exactly what Xander had done to Ryan.

She rambled around the empty apartment trying to find things to occupy her mind, but her mind kept going back to their fight. For nearly two months she'd lived with him. She'd fallen in love with him. He claimed he'd fallen in love with her. But fundamentally they were different. He would always try to solve her problems for her. Always want to ride in and save the day.
But maybe he has a point
. She tried to shove the thought out of her head, but it wouldn’t go. She had been keeping him at arm’s length. That way he couldn’t disappoint her.
Like your father.

But he didn't let her love him either. The whole thing was just so fucked up. He’d acted when she couldn’t. He’d taken charge of his life, and hers. But she could see that he was still hurting. That his past still haunted him. The things he’d told her last night. She should be worried. Should be sickened. Should be running in the opposite direction. But she didn't care. Alistair deserved to be strung up by his balls. Hell, she wished she'd been with those Russians when they’d gotten his location. She wanted to hurt him for what he'd helped do to Xander. Alistair might have just been a boy at the time, but that boy had grown into a man who’d deliberately tried to hurt him.

Her phone chimed and she pulled it out of her bag. The text was from Abbie.

Great job last night. Do you want to go shopping today?

Imani smiled. At least she'd made a friend out of this whole mess. Maybe she didn’t have to feel alone, didn’t have to be on her own.

Do you mind if I come over instead? I’m looking for

something low-key.

The response was quick.

Sure thing. Come over any time. I’m in Chiswick today.

After a shower and a train, Imani walked along the cobblestones and past the mansions to Abbie and Tamsin’s. Chiswick was full of multimillion-dollar mansions perched right next to regular homes and flats. When she arrived, Abbie swung the door open with a grin. "What’s happening, movie star?"

Imani laughed. "Hardly. I'll settle for working actress."

"Yeah, but not as fun to say. Come on in."

"You and Tamsin just hanging?"

Abbie laughed. "Let’s just say Tamsin is sleeping off some of her overindulgence last night. Max and Sophie are in Scotland for the day. I think he’s looking at new property. Not that she’s here that often anyway. I wonder why she just doesn’t give up and say she lives with him."

Abbie led the way through the darkened foyer and eyed her. "So what's up? You seem quiet."

Imani shook her head. "I'm fine. I—"

Abbie's brows drew up. "You gonna bullshit me?”

She sighed. "I guess not. You've spoken to Xander?"

"No. But he called Alexi last night. He was a bit of a mess."

"So he told him what happened?"

Abbie grabbed a couple of sodas and handed one to Imani. "Why don't you tell me?"

Imani followed her into the living room. Once she sat down across from her friend, she unloaded every fear she'd had over the last several weeks and the play-by-play of their fight last night, leaving out the sex.

When she was done, Abbie sat back.

"Holy fuck."

"I know." She scrubbed a hand through her curls. "I don't need this right now. I've got another show tonight."

"And you need to focus on that."

"And what about Xander? I can’t even deal with him right now. Even if I could, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to him. Maybe neither one of us is capable of love or being in a relationship."

Abbie blew out a breath. "I don’t think that’s the case. He's complicated. You have to remember that he has no idea how to have a relationship. None whatsoever. The one person he loved abandoned him when she saw a potential chink in the armor. I love him, but he’s selfish by nature. He has no experience with how to deal with someone else's needs, but you’re the first woman he’s tried with in years. He's going to fuck up."

Imani sagged. "I know, but I can’t believe it. He deliberately took away my ability to make my own decisions. After Ryan, that‘s really important to me. Having it stripped from me feels shitty. I mean, I’m not an idiot. I know he flew in Ebony just for my show and he wants to be there for me, I just don't want to end up in a situation where I have no say.”

"It is fucked up. And I wish I could apologize on his behalf. But you have to know he loves you. He just has no idea how to show you properly. Did you tell him what you told me just now?"

“Probably not very effectively.”

They sat silently like that for several minutes. Finally Abbie asked her, "What do you want to do?"

"What I want to do is run to him and hold him and forget all this other stuff, but I don't think I can do that. He took my choices away from me."

"You guys have to talk in order to work it out. You can’t ignore it and make it go away."

She had to figure it out. "I have a show to do. Then I'll figure it out." It was all she could manage for the time being.

She hadn't come back in the morning. Xander had stayed up the rest of the night hoping she'd come home. Because that’s what it was to him. Their home. But when she'd walked out the front door, she hadn’t come back.

He'd tried calling and texting of course. He mostly just wanted to know she was safe. Who the fuck was he trying to kid, he wanted to call and beg her to come home.

He'd really fucked up this time. He knew it, he just had no idea how to fix it. Once he took care of some work in the morning, he went by her place in Kingston to see her. But she wasn’t home. When Felix opened his door, taking out the rubbish, he looked none too pleased. "You fucked up, didn't you?"

Xander scrubbed a hand down his face. "Look, mate, I just want to make sure she’s physically okay."

"In that case she's fine."

"Is she with you?" He jammed his hands into his back pocket.

"No, but she sent me a text earlier. What did you do, anyway?"

Xander shook his head. "Something I promised I wouldn’t."

Imani’s best friend narrowed his eyes. "You realize how hard trust is to come by for that girl?"

"I know, okay? If I could take it back, I would. And at the time, I honestly thought I was helping. But all I did was cock it up. And I have no idea how to fix it."

"You need to let her work it out." Felix crossed her arms over his chest. "She'd already been through enough when you came along. I knew it was a mistake, her whole plan, but she wouldn't take money from me and, well, she's hard to dissuade when she makes up her mind."

"Yes, I've met her." He had no idea where to go now. What to do. All he knew was that that empty hole in his chest, the one he'd filled with Imani these past few weeks, it burned. The hollow feeling spreading through his whole body. "Can you do me a favor?"

"I'm not inclined to do you any favors, mate." The way he said that word made it abundantly clear they weren’t friends. Would never be friends as long as Xander was in Imani’s bad books. "If I had my way, Imani would be living home. Not playing happy homes with you."

"I know. Look, just tell her I’m sorry. I just want to talk.”

After he left Imani’s he battled the central London traffic to the barge. He'd asked Alexi to meet him there. When he arrived, his brother was on the deck waiting with a Guinness.

Xander approached warily. "What's the matter?"

Alexi took a sip. "You tell me. All Abbie did was text me and tell me that you'd had a rough morning and to give you a pint when you arrived."

Abbie. There she was still trying to take care of him. That meant Imani was with her. Or that she'd at least seen her.

"Yeah, she's right. I could use it."

His brother inclined his head. "You want to go inside and talk about it?"

Xander nodded and followed his brother into the barge's open interior. When the sliding doors were open, it had a great indoor-outdoor feel to it. It had cost Lex a fortune to have the exterior walls built of reinforced glass on weather-proofed tracks. When he opened the glass doors, it looked like he lived on a completely open boat; when he closed the doors, the heat stayed trapped inside. And the glass frosted to give him a sense of privacy.

Xander wondered if he'd keep this place once he and Abbie got married. His brother didn’t waste time. "Imani left?"

Hearing the words out loud made Xander's heart squeeze and he rubbed at the hollow part of his chest. Was it supposed to hurt this much? "Yeah, I fucked up."

Lex listened intently while Xander talked. When he was done talking, Alexi took the beer out of his hand and handed him a glass tumbler of something dark. "Screw that; it’s only two in the afternoon, you need a stronger drink than that."

"That's what I'm trying to tell you."

"So you took over her life when she was adamant on doing things on her own. But you refused to let her help you? You realize you took away her choice."

"She's clearly better off without me."

"If you really believed that, you wouldn't be here."

"I'm fucked up, mate. You were right. The whole Alistair thing has been eating me up. I've been consumed with it and it's shadowed my judgment. And the worst part is, I can’t blame what I did to her on this other shit. That was just me. Being me."

Alexi nodded. "The good news, Xan, is that you’re capable of change if you really want it. But first you have to believe that people are capable of anything. You don’t have to be like this. You can take real steps to heal. But that’s entirely up to you. I can't force you, cajole you, bribe you. If you say you’re fine then you’re fine. But we both know you’re not fine. Alistair proved that. Just to best him and make his life hell, you proposed to a woman. Granted she was probably the only sane choice you made in this whole thing. You can’t promise not to meddle because that's who you are. She's also right. You were manipulative. You did it to control her like you need to control everything else. The problem is she's a human being. She can’t be controlled."

Xander sank into Lex’s couch and dropped his head into his hands. "I just want her back. I’d do anything to fix shit between us."

"Then maybe for once you need to take a serious stab at fixing the shit inside you."