Long Blue Line: Based on a True Story (16 page)

It was so nice to be able to finally give my girls a hug. I almost cried seeing them run toward me as I walked into my mother’s house. I was only able to stay for a few minutes. My mom was advised by C.P.S. to keep Josh and me away from the girls until they did an investigation. I had a custody hearing regarding this matter in just a few days. I was hoping that the Judge would see my side and dismiss the case.

I knew that I was a good mother. Josh knew that I was a good mother too. I was hoping that he would be reasonable and realize that the girls were better off being with me. I had no idea what C.P.S. really was, and I didn't feel as threatened by them as I probably should have. I just needed to figure out a way to get Josh to agree to let me keep the apartment where the girls were comfortable and secure. Lilah had her apartment in the building next to mine so I drove back to the complex with her. Since I didn't have a key I had to stop in the office. I told the complex manager the situation and they were nice enough to give me a key and make sure that I was able to get into my apartment. When I walked through the front door it was a complete disaster. Things were missing and stuff scattered all over the place. I was stressed because I didn't know if Josh was staying there or when he would be back. Lilah offered to let me stay the night at her apartment until I figured out what was going on. I was relieved because I really didn't want to be alone that night anyway. I packed an overnight bag and we headed over to her place. I took the most amazing shower of my life and did my hair. I desperately needed some normalcy.

Lilah and I chatted for a while, shared some snacks, and joked about me going to jail. When she got tired, she and Summer headed to bed. I had never been so excited to sleep on a couch before. It was so comfortable, with fluffy pillows and a warm, fuzzy blanket. I was tired, but I was also thinking about Derrick. I was nervous about calling him. I wanted to update him and let him know that I wasn’t in jail anymore, if he even knew about it in the first place. I just wanted to hear his voice and get some reassurance that he still liked me before I fell asleep.

"Hello?" said Donnie. "Hi, Donnie, it’s Elizabeth. Is Derrick there?" "No, he's over at his friend’s house right now but he wanted me to give you their phone number in case you called. He really has a thing for you and it's his birthday so I'm sure he would love to hear from you.” Donnie said. I jotted down the number and thanked Donnie for the information. He laughed and congratulated me for getting out of jail, which I thought was pretty funny.

Crap, I thought to myself, it's his birthday today and I am way too tired to go anywhere. I felt super bad…I guess I definitely need to call him now, I affirmed. I nervously dialed the number. The phone was answered by a friendly female voice. I asked if Derrick was there, and she asked me to hold on for just a second. He got on the phone and immediately sounded excited to hear from me. I explained to him what happened and that I was out of jail and exhausted, but I would make it up to him for missing his birthday. Derrick told me not to worry about it and said that his birthday present was that I was out of jail.

We agreed to meet the next day to grab lunch or maybe even dinner. I hung up the phone with a smile on my face. I was happy to know that he hadn't forgotten about me. I fell asleep that night with a hundred mixed emotions - I missed my babies, I was sad yet relieved that Josh and I were over for good, and I found it hard to stop thinking about Derrick and how much I liked him. He had the whole bad boy thing going on. This was a new concept to me, and I was eager to find out if he was really a teddy bear deep down. He was older, in shape, attractive, and extra masculine. It was the first chance I had to know what it was really like to date a man. I once thought that Josh was a man, but that all changed when he started spending his minimum wage paychecks on booze instead of bills. He was an alcoholic and an adolescent who would probably never grow up. Being let down time after time ruined the respect that I once held for him.

The next day I met Derrick for dinner at a local restaurant. We picked up right where we left off and everything was great, if not better. He was opening doors for me and treating me with respect, as well as showing a true concern for what was going on. That night I ended up staying at his house. We quickly fell in love, and I was at his house all the time. He shared his house with his brother Donnie, but Donnie didn't seem to mind having me there. The Court granted temporary custody of Chloe and Zoe to my mother and had ordered me to complete a few things before I could get them back. I had to begin taking anger management courses once a week, and I also had to do an assessment to make sure that I didn't have any sort of addiction problem that Child Protective Services didn't know about. Going to Court for my daughters was, by far, more stressful than going to Court for the criminal proceedings. Derrick offered me comfort, and I felt like I could turn to him when I was stressed out.

Somehow, I ended up forgiving Megan for completely going behind my back. When she found out that I was staying over at Derrick and Donnie's house, she suddenly began to show more of an interest in hanging out with me. I think it was because she just wanted to be part of the excitement that was clearly created by Derrick. Plus, I knew she always had a thing for Donnie; she just never openly admitted it to anyone.

I could only see my daughters on a schedule so I had more free time than I had in a long time. I decided to check on my apartment and see if Josh had removed any more of our items. I wanted to clean it because I kind of missed being home, and I needed my place to be clean and ready for Chloe and Zoe when the Court gave them back to me. As I was scrubbing the kitchen floor the apartment manager walked up and knocked on my door. "I am just here to give you this notice,” she said nicely. “You have thirty days to move out or you will be evicted. Your husband put in a notice to cancel the lease and because he is the Head of Household listed on the lease, he has the right to do so." I took the form out of her hand and glanced over it.

This was actually quite devastating, and I honestly had no idea what I was going to do or where I would live. I shut my door and began to cry. My whole family was separated and nothing was ever going to be the same. I was sad that our home was no longer our home. I was sad that the person I married would never get better and would probably die a drunk. I was sad that Chloe and Zoe no longer had parents as a unit but as rivals. None of this was their fault, and I never wanted them to suffer or be sad. They were still very young, and I wondered if they knew what was going on. My mom frequently told me that Chloe, in particular, was asking for me on a regular basis. This broke my heart. I just wanted to get back to normal.

I took some belongings out of my apartment that I thought were most important, and I loaded them into my trunk. I remembered to grab my books for school. I called my father and he offered to box up the rest of the items and store them for me. My dad and I had started speaking again just a few months prior. He met Chloe and Zoe and clearly forgot about how mad and disappointed he was in me. He even started coming to visit more often and was there to help any time I needed it. At least I wouldn't have to worry about where my furniture would go. I couldn’t go to my mom’s house because she had the girls there. I had no choice but to stay with Derrick and live out of the trunk of my car until I got the girls back. I was only able to visit my daughters each day for short periods of time.

Josh started spreading rumors, and his mother joined in too. They said all sorts of nonsense to the Social Workers assigned to the case. They accused Derrick of being a full-blown drug dealer and beating his ex-girlfriend. They accused me of being on drugs, being the most negligent mother ever, and of being a compulsive liar. When I saw these accusations in the reports that I was handed from the Social Worker, it made me sick. I was furious that they would actually put such things in the report before investigating enough to get the clear facts. Derrick calmed me down and had a ton of good advice. His ex-girlfriend, Macy, went through the same thing with her ex. He was an important resource for me.

My mom knew where I was staying, so I finally decided to bring Derrick over to meet her. As my luck turned out, a CASA worker was visiting the house to see how everything was going with Chloe and Zoe. She was Court-appointed to be a “non-biased” advocate. I initially liked her and thought she was nice. Later, I would find out that she would become my worst enemy.

I was initially scared of what she would think of Derrick. He had tattoos up his arm and looked like the typical bad-boy. He turned on the charm with both my mother and the CASA worker, and they seemed to truly like him. The CASA worker even stated, “Well, you’re not the monster you were made out to be!” This pleased me and gave me a sense of freedom to continue our relationship without having to worry so much. After this meeting, the Court case slowly got better, and I was allowed unsupervised visits just a month later. I was thoroughly exhausted when I had the girls again for the first time. They were getting older, smarter and ever so clever. They were best friends, and every time they held hands it made me so happy. I don’t recall them ever fighting.

When the girls were placed back into my custody just two months after the whole ordeal, my mother was getting serious with her boyfriend (who would later become her husband) - a man she had met when she was just sixteen. She and Don determined that the only option was for me to initially move into her home to care for Chloe and Zoe. In the meantime, I was to look for my own apartment. However, shortly after I moved in, she moved out to be with Don. The night before they left and after I put the girls to bed, Don got on his high horse and gave me an unexpected lecture about men. “Liz, guys with tattoos and shaved heads are bad. I guarantee he’ll end up pimping you out or getting you hooked on drugs.” I laughed, half-sarcastically and half-seriously. I had no idea what he was talking about or where he had come up with this ridiculous conclusion about Derrick. After smiling and nodding my head for an hour, he finally went to sleep. He and my mother would wake up early the next morning to move her things.

My mother made it clear that the girls and me were to be the only ones living at her home. She was out of town now, and Derrick and I couldn’t stay away from each other. She said he could visit, so I took that as a green light for him to move in. I did not know how the girls would react, and I didn’t want them to be confused without their dad. I agreed to allow Josh to take them on weekends. I had gone back to attending classes, and I needed a little break for homework now and then.

One Sunday afternoon Josh dropped the girls off at my house. When I got them inside and took their jackets off, the first thing that Chloe said when she saw Derrick was “You’re not my daddy!” “I know I’m not your daddy” he replied. “I don’t want to be your daddy.” I thought it was a bit insensitive of him to say that to a two-and-a-half year old. It hurt my feelings, too. I avoided talking about it then and didn’t say anything to him. A few days later, Derrick was sitting on the couch with Zoe, sharing his ice cream with her. Chloe had just calmed down from one of her tantrums, which had been happening more frequently since her father and I had split. She toddled up to Derrick, looking for a bite of what her sister was obsessing over. “Say sorry first, or I’m not sharing with you,” Derrick demanded. Chloe had her mother’s stubborn streak, and I could tell that she was hoping he would get off his power trip and just share. He refused. She sat on the side of the couch, watching her sister happily eat ice cream with a sad look on her face. I never gave my girls unfair treatment like that, ever. “Derrick, just give her a bite! That’s not cool, she’s only two!” I snapped. “Nope. I stick to my word. She’s not going to walk on me like she does you, sorry.” I was furious. I got my own spoon and stabbed it into the pint of ice cream, scoping out a bite for Chloe. That was that. He spent the rest of the night giving me the silent treatment. I didn’t care. He was going to need to learn where his place was in MY family or leave.

The next morning I got up and dressed as usual to drop the girls off at daycare so I could get to my classes. On the way out, Derrick made a strange request: “You should leave Zoe here to hang out with me; I get bored sitting here all day.” His work, which was a seasonal job, was slowing down because of the coming winter weather. He spent half the year on unemployment. “I’m not going to let Zoe stay home and make Chloe go to daycare, that’s not fair to her,” I replied. “If you want to watch both of them, that’s fine, but not just one.” “Nah, never mind.” he said. My instincts were whispering to me that something just wasn’t right. In a hurry, I rushed them out the door. I didn’t want to be late to class. When I spoke to Megan later in the day, I laughed about how I thought it was funny that Derrick wanted to babysit. “Yeah, that is funny,” she answered. I wanted reassurance that it wasn’t anything to be worried about, and she gave it to me.

Over the next few days, as the snow melted, Derrick was able to find a few jobs, but this meant that he would be hanging out with his friends and co-workers more. They were known as party animals. I stayed busy with school trying to get through the most difficult course required for nursing. I was nervous, but I knew that I could do it. The following Saturday I was all caught up on my school work, and I wanted to hang out with Megan to catch up with her on gossip. She had kicked her husband out because they were fighting so much. They were like fire and ice. After their initial honeymoon phase, they just didn't get along, and it was clear that they never would.

I called Megan and she sounded extra hyper. I laughed and asked her what was going on. “I have some diet pills that are making me really, really wired. Ha ha! You should bring the girls over, and we can hang out. I'll give you one, and we'll just watch funny shit on TV.”  Derrick had made some coffee, so I poured myself a cup and then went to get Chloe and Zoe dressed. Derrick was never fond of Megan, but I invited him to come along anyway because we had nothing better to do. When the girls were dressed and ready I realized that I had left my coffee in the kitchen. I quickly found it and chugged it so we could leave.

We got to Megan's house and the girls were excited to play with her daughter. Megan handed me one of the diet pills she had been talking about, and I broke it in half and gulped it down. About a half hour later I was insanely wired and had never felt so aware of my surroundings. I was acting like a hyper idiot with Megan, and Derrick just sat there shaking his head. He frequently told me that I acted like an immature idiot when I was with Megan, and he thought I was better than that.

After spending a few hours hanging out and doing nothing, we decided to bring the girls back home because they were getting tired and needed a nap. There wasn't much else to do, so I did a little bit of studying while Derrick watched TV and ate ice cream. The day went by and I fed the girls dinner, gave them a bath, and put them to bed as usual.

Later, Derrick and I were cuddled up on the futon in front of the TV, watching one of my favorite scary movies. “Thanks for being so patient today. I was surprised that you didn't get mad at me for getting all hyper and annoying,” I said.

Derrick looked up at me with a strange look on his face and replied, “I have something to tell you, but you're going to get really mad at me.”  “What is it?” I asked. “Well, this morning when we were drinking coffee, I think our mugs got mixed up. I don't know for sure, but I think you drank mine.” “So, what's the big deal?” I asked. “Don't hate me, and I'm really, really sorry, but I was extra tired today so I put a little rock in my coffee to help me wake up,” he cautiously said. “What's that supposed to mean? What’s a rock?” I demanded. I had no idea what he meant by “a rock.” “You know...a small rock of crystal.” “Crystal meth? Are you kidding me, Derrick? I've never done that in my life, and I didn't think you did either! What the hell is your problem? Why would you do that when you know that I have two small girls that I need to take care of, and I just got out of the Court System! Do you have any respect for me at all?” I began to sob.

I was so disappointed that I just didn't know what to do with myself. He apologized again. For the rest of the night, I was extremely sad and confused with the emotions that I was feeling. I had such strong feelings for Derrick. I didn’t really know why, but I just did. I also felt betrayed, and I knew that I couldn't trust him if he was going to do something like that.

To me, crystal meth was the worst of the worst. It was the one drug that I had always heard horror stories about. I eventually got over it, hoping that it really was an accident and made it clear to Derrick that if he ever did anything like that again, or if I ever found out that he was using it, it was over between us.

Over the next week things were back to normal again. I got back into my school routine, and Derrick was working. I think he felt bad about what he had done. He was extra nice to me and extra helpful when it came to the girls. He helped buy diapers when I needed them and helped put food on the table, which I had a hard time doing with only working a part-time job and getting random financial aid payments from school.

Eventually Derrick started to spend more time over at his brother’s house. He would go straight there after work and wouldn't come home until late in the evening. I started to notice that his behavior, and everything else about him, seemed off. He was demanding more sexual favors. He always had a stern look on his face and it seemed like he was in deep thought. He was also always intently focused on one thing at a time. He was either on the Internet, downloading music, or working on some electrical device. This continued for the next two weeks, and I started to pay attention to the patterns of when he appeared normal and when he didn't. He acted normal in the mornings and if he came straight home from work. He acted strange if he went to his brother’s house after work before coming home. After I was sure of what was going on, I couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't want to be treated like I was an idiot who knew nothing.

Derrick walked in the door on a Tuesday night around nine o'clock. "What the hell is going on with you?” I demanded, “You think I'm dumb? You think I don't know what's going on?" I practically yelled as he walked in the front door. He began to laugh and act like it was me who had a problem and not him. He played dumb for about an hour, refusing to give in. When he finally realized that I was not letting up until I had answers, he caved.

“Okay, I'm sorry about what's going on. It's just that my co-worker got a hold of someone who had some class-A cocaine from Mexico. It's something that doesn't ever come around, and I just couldn't pass it up. We all went in on it together and bought more than we originally planned on. Plus, it’s so strong that we don't have to do very much for it to last a long time. Coke is something that everybody does at one point or another. It’s not addicting like everybody claims it to be. I’m just having fun. Don't worry about it!” he said with a cocky arrogance. Once again I was stunned and disgusted that he was being such a moron and completely disregarding everything I had said a few weeks earlier.

The previous week we had taken the girls to my niece's birthday party at the ice skating rink. Derrick was helping me chase the girls around, and my stepdad, who gave me those warnings about men with tattoos and bald heads, was actually impressed with Derrick’s participation with the girls. My stepdad and Derrick even talked for a few minutes, so I assumed that I had approval from my stepdad and my mom. I had told my mom that Derrick was helping me with everything financially, and I desperately needed that help. She understood, and she knew how hard it was to be a single mom.

Suddenly none of that mattered. My stepdad was proving to be right. I, again, began to cry out of frustration and anger. “That's it Derrick. You need to make a choice, and you need to make it right now! Choose between drugs or me. I have babies to care for and that can't be in our lives. If you can't do that, I'll understand. But that means that we need to part ways and you need to move on. I won’t have any hard feelings; it's just how it has to be. I'm not that kind of person and I never wanted to be.” I looked him in the eye, and I asked him, “Can you live the rest of your life drug free and be okay with that decision? If not, you just need to go. I'll never be okay with drugs, and I refuse to be with someone who is doing drugs.”

He sat down next to me on the porch step as I was puffing away at a cigarette, in tears. “Honestly, I love you, Elizabeth. I've never felt like this with any other person. But I don't think I can stop, it’s just too fun.” He started to laugh. The stupidity of his statement made me laugh. He had a good way about changing the subject and trying to turn serious matters into funny conversations. The conversation became serious again when I wiped my eyes and looked at him with desperation. “Derrick, I truly do love you, and I think that we could have a good life together. If you can't make this choice now, and make it with confidence, we just have to go our own ways.” He stood up. “I'm sorry, I just don't think I can stop, and I don't want to put you through so much stress.”

I decided to be strong and stop my tears so he knew how serious I was. I was not going to change my mind or back down on this. He packed his bags and walked out the door. I could tell he was in tears. I sat down on the couch and, as the girls slept peacefully, I cried openly.

At the age of eighteen I had no sense of time, nor did I know the possibilities that the future could hold for me. I was convinced that, because I was only eighteen and already a single mother of two, no one else would want me because it would be too much baggage. After sitting on the couch and crying for an hour, Derrick walked back through the front door without his bags. “Elizabeth, I just can't do it.”

I don't want to be without you, and if it means giving up cocaine and everything else, I'll do it.” “Well, where are your bags?” I excitedly asked. “They were too heavy, and the walk is too far, so I just left them at my brother’s. Can you give me a ride to go get them?” he said, laughing again. “Just take my car. You're such an idiot, the girls are asleep.” I said, laughing. He came back with his things and put them away. We were now back to the honeymoon phase after the drama settled. He always had a reason for having some kind of sex, and tonight he wanted to have "make up sex." I just dealt with it. I didn't want another fight to happen after the exhausting drama I had already gone through.

Over the next month Derrick stayed true to his word and always came straight home after work. I was proud of him and my trust in him slowly returned. He started to treat the girls a little bit better too. Although he was usually good with Chloe and Zoe, I figured that he didn't really know much about kids since he was never around them, so he had to get used to it.

Zoe began to put up a fight every night when it came time for bed. She never wanted to go to sleep, but I could tell she was exhausted. I always caved in and rocked her for a short time to calm her down and reassure her. After she put up a fight for about the fifth night in a row, Derrick said confidently: “Just let me handle it. You'll see, I'll put her to sleep at night until she knows how to go to sleep without a fight.” “How do you know anything about kids, Derrick?” I asked. I've changed more diapers than you'll probably ever change in your lifetime. You have no idea how many diapers I've gone through with the two girls,” I replied.

Giving Derrick the benefit of the doubt, I let him take the reins. I was curious to see if he really knew what he was talking about. He picked up Zoe and put her in her crib. I walked out of the room because I knew that if she saw me, she would not be able to stop crying. She knew that I would always cave. As I walked out of the dark bedroom Zoe started to scream. I had never heard her scream so much in my life. I panicked and peeked in the bedroom to make sure that everything was okay. Derrick was hovering over her crib and making sure that she remained laying down. Every time she stood up, he would gently lay her back down. He was calmly whispering to her, go "night-night." I didn't interrupt him because I didn't want all that crying to be for nothing. I just wanted her to understand that bedtime meant sleep. He was in her room for about twenty minutes, and she finally calmed down and went to sleep.

The next week, during a lunch break at school, I decided to give Megan a call because I was bored as usual. She had that familiar tone to her voice. She was excited about something. I had a feeling I knew what it was. “Donnie and I are official,” she excitedly announced. “I'm not surprised Megan, I knew that you guys liked each other a long time ago but just weren’t in the right circumstances to have a relationship. Do you think your dad is going to be upset because he's an older guy?” I asked. “I don't know, hopefully not!” she laughed. We got off the phone, and I started to ponder. I thought that it was so odd, and kind of funny, that we initially dated best friends (and eventually married them) and now we were dating brothers. I was excited because that meant that we could all hang out more and do couples stuff.

Megan and I always had big influences on each other. We were immediately best friends from the day we met, and we had so much in common that it was insane. On a free weekend when I had no homework and Derrick was at his brother’s house helping him work on a car, Megan called me. I asked her what she was doing, and she replied with a mischievous tone to her voice. “Oh, nothing,” she said, secretly wanting me to question her further. “Come on Megan, just spit it out,” I said. “Okay, but don't get mad,” she said. “I promise, I won't. Tell me what you're doing you, weirdo!” “Well, the other night Donnie was doing coke, and I was just too curious so I tried it. It is so much fun! Seriously, it’s not that bad - it just makes you hyper and gives you a bunch of energy. You have no idea how much I got done around his scummy house!” she enthusiastically said. “Gosh, what is this hype with everyone and cocaine?” I was kind of curious. Megan knew me best out of everyone, and she knew that I was paranoid when it came to putting anything strange into my body. Even with her diet pill, I just took half to be safe. “All right,” I said. “I'm coming over there. I'm too curious now, and I want to see what this stuff looks like.” “Okay,” she said. “I'll see you in a few minutes.” I drove down the street to her apartment with the girls in the back seat who were excited to play with her daughter. The three of them had become best friends.

As soon as I walked through her front door I could clearly see that she was on something. She was in her pajamas vigorously scrubbing her bathroom floor. I thought it was kind of funny because she didn't typically scrub like that. I remembered how she used to make James do all the cleaning.