P
EOPLE
always want to know about my religious and philosophical beliefs. But few people ever ask me about my everyday ethics—the rules I use when dealing with day-today society. Here are a few of them. Feel free to cut them out and post them on the door of your mother’s refrigerator for easy reference.
DRUGS
There is a stereotype among people who have never gotten high that anyone who has ever done drugs, no matter what that drug is, is an addict. The truth is that addiction has little to do with what drugs you use or how often you use them. There are other factors, like the extent to which you let them run your life and your ability to function normally without them. I make no secret of my drug use. But at the same time I have nothing but utter contempt for anyone who is addicted to drugs. It is the people who abuse drugs that make the people who use them look bad. Here are a few simple rules to help you determine whether you are a user or an abuser of cocaine, pot and other substances. Consider yourself an addict if…
1
| …
YOU ACTUALLY PAY FOR DRUGS
.
|
2
| …
YOU USE A STRAW AS OPPOSED TO A ROLLED-UP DOLLAR BILL
.
|
3
| …
YOU USE THE WORD
blow
.
|
4
| …
YOU’RE A GUY AND YOU’RE BACKSTAGE AT A
M
ARILYN
M
ANSON CONCERT (UNLESS YOU’RE A DEALER OR A POLICE OFFICER)
.
|
5
| …
YOU OWN MORE THAN ONE
P
INK
F
LOYD RECORD
.
|
6
| …
YOU DO COCAINE DURING A SHOW
. (I
F YOU DO IT AFTER A SHOW, YOU’RE OKAY
. I
F IT’S BEFORE, YOU’RE TEETERING ON THE BRINK.)
|
7
| …
THE MERE MENTION OF COCAINE MAKES YOU PASS GAS OR THE SIGHT OF IT MAKES YOU WANT TO TAKE A SHIT.
|
8
| …
YOU’VE WRITTEN MORE THAN TWO SONGS THAT REFER TO DRUGS.
|
9
| …
YOU GET KICKED OUT OF A BAND FOR BEING A DRUG ADDICT.
|
10
| …
YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH A MODEL
.
|
11
| …
YOU LIVE IN
N
EW
O
RLEANS
.
|
12
| …
YOU PAY FOR YOUR GROCERIES WITH ROLLED-UP DOLLAR BILLS
.
|
13
| …
YOU’VE EVER BEEN IN
D
R
. H
OOK OR KNOWN THE LYRICS TO A
D
R
. H
OOK SONG
.
|
14
| …
THE EMBOSSED NUMBERS, PARTICULARLY THE O
’
S
, 6’
S AND 9’S, ON YOUR CORPORATE CREDIT CARD ARE FILLED IN WITH A MYSTERIOUS WHITE POWDER
.
|
15
| …
YOU’RE ALONE IN YOUR HOTEL ROOM ON TOUR AND YOU DO DRUGS
.
|
16
| …
YOU DO DRUGS BEFORE
6
P.M. OR AFTER
6
A.M
.
|
17
| …
YOU HATE EVERYBODY
. (I
F YOU LIKE EVERYBODY, YOU’RE ON
E
CSTASY AND
I’
M AGAINST YOU
.)
|
18
| …
YOU KNOW THE NAME FOR THE FLESHY CREVICE BETWEEN YOUR THUMB AND INDEX FINGER
.
|
19
| …
YOU’VE EVER SAID
, “T
HIS IS MY LAST LINE” OR, CONVERSELY
, “W
HICH LINE IS THE BIGGEST
?”
|
20
| …
YOU INVITE PEOPLE TO STAY AT YOUR HOME WHILE YOU’RE ON DRUGS
.
|
21
| …
YOU TELL ANYBODY ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD WHILE YOU’RE ON DRUGS
.
|
22
| …
YOU’RE NOT THINKING ABOUT TITS RIGHT NOW
.
|
23
| …
YOU SAY
, “I
ONLY DO THIS WHEN
I’
M WITH YOU.”
|
24
| …
YOU HAVE YOUR BODYGUARD WATCH THE DOOR WHEN YOU GO TO THE BATHROOM
.
|
25
| …
YOU’RE A GUY AND YOU TALK TO A GIRL WHO HAS A BOYFRIEND FOR MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES BECAUSE SHE HAS DRUGS
.
|
26
| …
YOU’RE A CHILD ACTOR
.
|
27
| …
I
F YOU MAKE THIS BOOK INTO A GAME AND DO A LINE EVERY TIME DRUGS ARE MENTIONED, THEN NOT ONLY ARE YOU AN ADDICT BUT YOU MAY BE DEAD
.
|
RULES I’VE BROKEN:
1, 4 (but that doesn’t count), 5, 6 (and I came back on stage with the dollar bill hanging from my nose), 7, 8 (I’ve written dozens), 12, 13, 14 (unless I’ve cleaned it out because I’m crossing a border), 15, 16, 17, 19, 20, 21 (but only for this book), 24, 25.
HOMOSEXUALITY
My philosophy about sexuality is that I don’t have a problem with anything anyone does in any way. All I ask is that you know the rules. I’ve sucked the dicks of several men, which a lot of straight guys won’t admit to having done or wanting to do. But just like kissing a girl can’t get her pregnant, sucking a guy’s dick doesn’t make you gay (unless you break rule #3). It’s not that I’m against being gay—I just want to clarify what makes you gay. Please note that this list only pertains to guys: All women are by nature lesbians. So let’s get things straight (no pun intended)—if you meet any of the qualifications below, you are gay.
1
| I
F YOU GET SOMEONE ELSE’S SPERM ON YOU
.
|
2
| I
F YOU’VE EVER OWNED A
S
MITHS ALBUM
.
|
3
| I
F YOU GET HARD WHILE SUCKING ANOTHER GUY’S DICK
. I
F YOU DON’T, YOU’RE STRAIGHT—UNLESS HE GETS SPERM ON YOU
.
|
4
| I
F
M
ICHAEL
S
TIPE IS IN THE ROOM WITH YOU AND YOU’RE HAVING SEX WITH A WOMAN, YOU’RE BISEXUAL
.
|
5
| I
F YOU’RE AT A GAY BAR, YOU’RE NOT GAY
. B
UT IF YOU’RE AT A STRAIGHT BAR AND YOU TALK TO ANOTHER GUY LONGER THAN YOU TALK TO A GIRL, YOU’RE GAY
.
|
6
| I
F YOU TAP YOUR FEET TO A
S
MITHS SONG
.
|
7
| I
F YOU DISCUSS ART FOR MORE THAN
45
MINUTES
.
|
8
| I
F YOU’VE EVER WORN A BERET
.
|
9
| I
F YOU KISS A GUY AND HE HAS A HARD-ON, YOU’RE NOT GAY UNLESS YOU HAVE A HARD-ON TOO
.
|
10
| I
F YOU HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX—WITH A MALE OR A FEMALE—TO THE
S
MITHS, YOU’RE GAY
.
|
11
| I
F YOUR ONLY PURPOSE IN LIFE IS TO GET GIRLS PREGNANT SO THEY CAN HAVE MORE GIRLS TO HAVE LESBIAN SEX TOGETHER
.
|
12
| I
F YOU JACK OFF AND YOU GET CUM ON YOURSELF
|
13
| I
F YOU GET A BONER WATCHING
Gilligan’s Island
.
|
14
| I
F YOU DON’T GET A BONER WATCHING
Bewitched
.
|
15
| I
F THERE’S A
S
MITHS SONG ON IN A BAR AND YOU’RE IN THE BATHROOM WITH YOUR DICK IN YOUR HAND
.
|
16
| I
F YOUR NAME IS
R
ICHARD AND YOU GO BY
D
ICK
.
|
17
| I
F YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH ANYONE NAMED
D
ICK
.
|
18
| I
F YOU DON’T CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE, YOU’RE ONLY USING HER AS A PROP TO MAKE PEOPLE THINK YOU’RE NOT GAY
.
|
19
| I
F YOU’RE FRIENDS WITH A MODEL
.
|
20
| I
F YOU FUCK A GIRL WHO LIKES THE
S
MITHS
.
|
21
| I
F YOU DON’T EAT MEAT BECAUSE THE
S
MITHS ALBUM
Meat Is Murder
HAD AN IMPACT ON YOUR LIFE
.
|
22
| I
F YOU DO ANYTHING SPIRITUAL
.
|
23
| I
F YOU FUCK A PREGNANT WOMAN AND SHE’S CARRYING A BOY, YOU’RE GAY
. I
F YOU GET SPERM ON THE AMNIOTIC SAC, THE BABY WILL GROW UP TO BE GAY TOO
.
|
24
| I
F YOU’VE EVER HAD A HAIRCUT LIKE
M
ORRISSEY
.
|
25
| I
F YOU’VE EVER HAD A HAIRCUT WHILE A
M
ORRISSEY OR
S
MITHS ALBUM WAS PLAYING IN THE ROOM
.
|
26
| I
F YOU’VE EVER TALKED ABOUT OR OWNED A CRYSTAL—ESPECIALLY IF IT’S CRYSTAL METH
.
|
27
| I
F YOU’VE EVER PUT
B
AND
-A
IDS ON YOUR NIPPLES AS A FASHION STATEMENT
.
|
28
| I
F YOU’VE EVER SPENT MORE THAN A WEEK ON
S
OUTH
B
EACH
.
|
29
| I
F YOU’RE NOT THINKING ABOUT TITS RIGHT NOW
.
|
30
| I
F YOU STILL LIKED
J
UDAS
P
RIEST AFTER YOU HEARD THE RUMOR THAT
R
OB
H
ALFORD WAS GAY
.
|
31
| I
F YOU GET A HARD-ON WHILE TAKING A SHIT
.
|
32
| I
F YOU KNOW WHAT SPERM TASTES LIKE (ESPECIALLY IF IT’S YOUR OWN)
.
|
33
| I
F YOU KISS A GIRL WITH TONGUE AFTER SHE’S SWALLOWED YOUR CUM
.
|
34
| I
F YOU GET HARD WHILE READING THIS
.
|
35
| I
F YOU KNOW THE NAMES OF ANYONE WHO’S EVER BEEN IN THE
S
MITHS BESIDES
M
ORRISSEY AND
J
OHNNY
M
ARR
.
|
36
| I
F YOU’RE A MALE MODEL
.
|
37
| I
F YOU GET CHOKED UP LISTENING TO
“B
OYS
D
ON’T
C
RY” BY THE
C
URE
.
|
38
| I
F YOU’RE A CLOTHING DESIGNER
.
|
39
| I
F YOUR FIRST, LAST, MIDDLE OR ONLY NAME IS
M
ORRISSEY
.
|
