Looking for Andrew McCarthy (21 page)

‘Uh huh,’ said Ellie.

‘Well, lovely to meet y’all. And can I just say your English is really good.’

‘We better be getting on,’ said Julia, regretfully. ‘We have to be in a motel before it gets dark, so Ellie can see to stomp the roaches.’

‘You don’t want to hear about the night Dudley Moore and Robert Downey Junior …’

‘
I
do,’ said Ellie.

‘Sorry,’ said Julia, ‘but if I have to drive all day, she has to stomp roaches.’

‘Oh, well, you make sure you look us up next time you’re coming through, okay?’

‘Absolutely. And the next time you’re in Europe, come and check us out.’

‘Yeah, we’ll do that. It’s Ellie and Julia, right?’

‘Yup.’

‘Great. Shouldn’t be a problem in your little bitty country.’

The next morning started nice and clear and Julia dragged Ellie away from the Eat All The Bacon You Want table as quickly as she could.

‘Let’s get a move on!’

‘Okay! He’ll wait for us in Kansas City you know.’

‘Who?’ said Julia. ‘Andrew II? I wasn’t even thinking about him.’ She fingered his cellphone number in her trouser pocket.

Ellie jumped in the tiny car. ‘Poo. It smells in here.’

‘Well, stop eating Cheez Whizz then.’

Ellie wound down the window.

‘Oh, God, what if Arthur doesn’t come? That’ll be crap.’

‘I’m sure it’ll be fine,’ said Julia, a little stiffly. They set off on the poker-straight road.

‘No, that’s not what I meant,’ said Ellie. ‘I just … hate depriving him of his trip.’

‘Perhaps you should have thought of that before you sent us five thousand miles off course.’

‘Yeah, okay okay.’

Ellie fell silent. Why was it she never felt like she was doing something selfish until she’d actually done it and somebody pointed it out? It had been a mistake, okay? She hadn’t meant to hurt anyone. She just had to find someone, that was all. Thinking about this led her uncomfortably to thinking of her mother. She shifted in her seat uneasily.

‘What’s the matter?’

‘Nothing,’ said Ellie. ‘Just bog-standard contemporary alienation.’

‘Oh, that.’ Julia turned up the Cyndi Lauper tape they’d bought for $2.99 and Ellie stared wistfully out the window to ‘Time after Time’.

From far in the distance a figure appeared by the side of the road.

‘A hitchhiker!’ said Ellie excitedly.

‘Yeah, no way,’ said Julia. They drew closer, and the road shimmered in the heat.

‘It’s like that Shania Twain video,’ said Ellie. ‘Look! It’s a woman.’

Julia peered over the top of the steering wheel.

‘It looks very tall to be a woman,’ she said doubtfully.

‘But she’s got long pink hair,’ said Ellie. Still doubtful, Julia slowed the car a little. The woman
waggled her hips energetically and kicked up a very high heel.

‘Wow, it looks like she might be very
very
grateful if you picked her up,’ said Ellie.

‘Oh, look, I’m not going to.’

‘You’re going to leave a lone woman by the side of the road? Right on sister.’

‘Argh.’ Julia wrestled with herself.

‘Oh,
please
can we pick her up?’ begged Ellie. ‘I’ve been feeling really guilty about … things … and this would be a good thing to do, wouldn’t it?’

Making a Marge Simpson noise, Julia drew up by the exotic creature.

‘HEY!’ screamed the woman in a suspiciously deep voice. ‘Thanks
so
much. Oh, get you two cuties! What are you, like, Spice Girls that have been left out in the rain?’

Julia looked at Ellie as the ‘woman’ laughed, dumped her leopard skin travelling case, folded up her endless and suspiciously slim legs and poured herself into the back.

‘I’m Holly Wood,’ she began conversationally, poking her head through the gap between the two front seats. ‘And you’re my new best friends!’

‘So you don’t think,’ Ellie said, when Holly paused to let her get a word in edgeways, ‘that being a seven-foot-tall
transvestite dressed as a hooker isn’t a bit of a dangerous way to go hitchhiking?’

‘No, honey! I give those truckers the biggest thrill they ever saw.’

‘I bet you do,’ said Julia.

‘Ooh, get you,’ said Holly and Ellie at once.

‘Where are you headed?’ Ellie asked her.

‘Well, I’m going to Toledo to pick up some chums … then we’re off to NEW YORK. YAHH!’

‘Ow,’ said Julia, whose ear was rather close to Holly’s massive carmine-painted mouth.

‘We are too,’ said Ellie, just as Julia shot her a warning look.

‘Yeah? For the festival?’

‘What festival?’

‘The tranny festival, hon. End of the month. Where do you think I’m off to, Carnegie Hall? We’re going to be dancing in the streets, hon. Don’t you even THINK about missing it!’

Ellie looked at Julia suddenly.

‘Do whatever you like,’ said Julia. ‘I’ll be at the Guggenheim.’

‘No!’ said Ellie. ‘Don’t you see? I think I know how to re-enlist the third musketeer!’

‘WARRRGH!’

‘What’s that?’ said Arthur. ‘I can’t really hear you
this end. Colin and Big Bastard have turned the front room into an ice hockey rink. It would take too long to explain. Oh and by the way, Billy was round here. He says could you let him know if you’re coming back to him or not before he gets a new tattoo.’

‘Wow,’ said Ellie. ‘You know, I haven’t thought about him at all.’

‘I guess that means no,’ said Arthur, worriedly. ‘I’d better get on to him.’

Ellie told him about the International Transvestite Awards.

‘You know transvestites and homosexuals aren’t the same thing,’ he said reprovingly. ‘Oh God, Big Bastard’s using the Hoover as a sleigh.’

‘Yes, I
know
that,’ said Ellie. ‘I just thought you might like to know. In case you were reconsidering coming.’

‘Hmm,’ said Arthur. ‘So, while you were out actor-hunting in the snow I’d have to put on a hula skirt and wiggle my butt around to disco music?’

‘Not if you didn’t want to …’

‘See you in Kansas City!’

‘Good luck, Holly Wood!’ Ellie gave her a hug as they dropped her off in a quiet town in the middle of the Arizona desert.

‘Hon, I don’t need luck, I just need someone who
can sew a sequin on tight. So you’ll come and see me in New York?’

‘Definitely.’

‘Okay! Have a good trip now y’all! And don’t go picking up any strange men!’

‘As if!’ snorted Ellie and they pulled away.

‘Oh God,’ said Arthur, staring at his suitcase.

‘I don’t even
have
any jumpers.’

‘Borrow some of his,’ said Colin, who was perched on top of the bed wrapped up against the cold in an England rugby top fifteen sizes too big for him. ‘I’ve already packed your hula skirt.’

‘Absolutely not! I don’t know where they’ve been. No, actually, I do know where they’ve been – underneath those armpits for a start.’

‘Hey!’ said Big Bastard, wandering in with a six-pack protectively tucked under his arm, and leaning against the doorway.

‘By the way … which airline are you flying with, Arthur? British Gayerways? or Gay-roflot?’

Arthur turned round slowly.

‘BB, how long did it take you to think of that?’

Big Bastard hung his head.

‘Yeah, it was a slow day.’

‘A whole day?’

Big Bastard shrugged.

‘Well, I started yesterday. There’s loads you know. Oh, and are you going to be cruising at 30,000 feet …’

‘Yes, yes,’ said Arthur, cutting him off. ‘And anyway, what are you doing in here? The presence of hastily hidden Nancy Friday books would seem to indicate that it’s not your room.’

‘What the fuck are they when they’re at home?’

‘It’s like porn, right, only for girls,’ piped up Colin.

‘Girls don’t like porn!’ scoffed Big Bastard dismissively.

‘Big Bastard, you think girls don’t like sex,’ said Arthur.

‘Neh, I’ve just had an unlucky run of frigid bitches. What’s it like then? Is it all todgers and that? Do you two like it?’

‘No, it’s just writing,’ said Colin, holding up a copy of
Women on Top
.

‘Just writing? That sounds like it’ll be complete crap,’ said Big Bastard, picking it up and tucking it under his free arm nonetheless.

‘When are you off? I’d give you a lift on my scooter. But I’m a bit busy.’ He clutched the Nancy Friday book almost imperceptibly tighter.

‘That’s okay, Siobhan’s coming over to drive me to the airport.’

‘Middle of winter doesn’t sound like a proper
fucking holiday. You should come with me and the boys from the club. We’re going to Ibiza, right, to get lagered up and get off with those lasses you’re always seeing on TV that’re totally pissed up. They’re up for anything, right, and they’re wearing practically nothing. And they’re pissed up! Fantastic. I suppose you’d have to try and get them to be sick
first
though,’ he finished, almost to himself.

‘Actually, I think I’d better just go and answer the door,’ said Arthur, hopping off the bed.

‘I suppose the trick would be to carry chewing gum, right …’

‘Dammit,’ said Siobhan, who was hopping about outside in the rain.

‘I was going to use your loo, then I remembered this was Big Bastard’s house. Last time I used it there was a toothbrush in it.’

‘Quite right,’ said Arthur. ‘Thanks for this.’

‘Not at all. I can pick up some bathroom fixtures in Slough on my way back. Oh, and I can throw a stone through his dad’s greenhouse.’

‘You wouldn’t!’

‘I know. I’m running out of ideas.’

‘Colin!’

Colin scampered out carrying the suitcase and hopped into the back seat.

Arthur peered round the door one last time ‘Bye Big Bastard …’

There was a muted grunt.

‘He went into the bathroom with that book,’ said Colin, hanging over the front seat. ‘I don’t think he’s going to be out in a hurry.’

‘Well, I’m glad I didn’t even attempt it,’ said Siobhan.

‘Plus, we’ll get to the airport quicker if your bladder’s about to explode,’ said Arthur.

Colin fell asleep before they’d even hit the Westway, and Siobhan took the opportunity to turn round. They were inching ahead in the traffic, and the windscreen wipers were working overtime.

‘Arthur?’

Arthur raised his eyebrows. Siobhan sounded serious.

‘Is he asleep?’

‘Yeah, I would think so. He goes out like a light in cars. And night buses too. In fact, that’s how we met.’

‘You’re so lucky to have a man like him.’

Arthur looked at him asleep. ‘He is sweet, isn’t he? Although of course I’m off to New York to be wild and crazy.’

‘Can I talk to you about something?’

‘Of course. Anything.’

‘Can you keep it secret?’

‘Probably. Unless it’s against my own self-interest.’

Siobhan lowered her eyebrows at him.

‘Just being honest! What if I was being tortured?’

‘Arthur it’s … it’s Loxy.’

‘What?’ said Arthur. ‘What about Loxy?’

‘Well … more specifically, it’s about Loxy and me.’

‘WHAT?’

Taken off guard, Siobhan swerved the car almost into the path of the enormous truck coming up behind them.

‘JESUS!!!’ she screamed. The truck blew its horn loudly as the car slowly skidded back into position.

‘MUM!!’ Colin woke up with a start.

Siobhan rolled her eyes.

‘What are you rolling your eyes at
me
for?’ Arthur hissed. ‘I can’t believe …’

‘You just nearly killed us! So shut up!’ said Siobhan, putting on the radio loudly. Eminem came blaring out.

‘I like him because he swears,’ said Colin.

Arthur put his hands over his eyes and looked out of the window.

‘It’s not …’ said Siobhan.

‘What, serious? So, what – you’re going to finish it when she comes home? Or maybe wait until the wedding?’

‘
No
.’

‘I can’t believe you. You, of all people. Don’t tell me: you’ve started ballet class.’

Siobhan pulled off the road next to a corner shop and handed Colin a pile of change.

‘Go buy sweets.’

Colin’s eyes widened.

‘But none of that treacle toffee,’ shouted Arthur after him. ‘It sticks your teeth together and last time you cried, remember. And you,’ he returned to Siobhan, ‘I just can’t believe you.’

‘Yeah, you said that,’ said Siobhan, turning on him, furious. ‘Rather than wait two seconds to get the actual facts.’