Looking Through Windows (5 page)

Joseph opened the door and poked his head in. "Mind if I come in for a moment?"

"No, not at all," Emily lied, trying to hide the dread she felt.

"I wanted to apologize for catching you off guard last night," he said as he sat in the chair next to the desk. He cleared his throat. "It came back to me only after we started talking about UVA."

"Did you say anything to your parents?" she asked, staring at her book.

"No," he said quickly, "and I won't." He cleared his throat again. "Emily, I don't even know how to tell you how sorry I am… about everything."

She looked up at him, and saw the guilt in his kind eyes. "Joseph, you were a med student. You were as powerless as I was. But thank you," she said, reaching her hand out and laying it on his arm.

"I don't know if it will mean anything to you, but the staff felt so horrible. Your situation sparked a big debate on how to handle issues like it in the future, and I don't think it would be the same now."

"I'm glad of that," she murmured. "Joseph," she said, blinking hard, her throat tightening, "did she ever regain consciousness?"

"No," he replied softly. "She just slipped away."

Emily nodded, but didn't say any more. After a few moments, Joseph said, "Ann seems like a wonderful woman. Is she…?"

"No!" Emily responded as she realized what he was asking. "She's just a friend. There hasn't been anyone else."

"I'm sorry," he stammered, "I didn't mean to pry."

"It's okay," she said. "It's just that I haven't had to deal with this so directly for a long time."

"Well," he said, standing to go, "I'll let you get back to work."

"I'll see you later," Emily smiled. She sat looking out the window for a long time, lost in memories.

Chapter 9

F
or the next few weeks, Emily buried herself in work. If she wasn't teaching or taking a class herself, she was studying, writing, doing research. Ann noticed a definite change in her demeanor. Emily had sat in on a couple of Lise's classes as part of her responsibility for supervising the teaching assistants. Ann tried to catch her eye, but Emily seemed to be avoiding any eye contact. Waiting out in the corridor where she could often overhear the last few minutes of Emily's class, she noticed that Emily had become more impatient with errors, a little terse in her responses. At the end of class, Emily was almost the first to leave, precluding any attempt at conversation. She also noticed that Emily hadn't been by the farm on morning runs, because she was out with Meg almost every morning, keeping an eye out for Emily's figure on the road.

Ann got a little peeved about Emily's attitude at times, telling herself she wasn't worth worrying about. But then the image of Emily standing in the darkened kitchen would pop into her head, standing there with her eyes closed, looking so hurt and vulnerable.

October arrived with a definite change in the air. Most mornings there was a light frost on car windows, and the leaves really started to change colors, especially the maples as they turned a brilliant crimson. Monday of the first week in October, Ann was sitting on the steps of Whitmore Hall, basking in the sun and trying not very successfully to read her economics text when she saw Emily walking hurriedly toward the building. Glancing at her watch, Ann realized that Emily was late for her French class. As she ran up the steps two at a time, not seeing Ann sitting there, Ann couldn't help noticing how gaunt her face was. She looked as if she hadn't slept in days.

Ann decided she had to say something. On Tuesday, during Emily's office hours, she went to the office. As she entered, Ann surveyed the room and saw that the other instructors were gone.

"May I speak with you?" she asked.

Emily looked up. "Have a seat," she said, pointing to a chair beside her desk.

Ann took a deep breath, and decided to take the leap. "Emily, I'm worried about you," she began. Emily looked at her, and Ann felt she was seeing a shell of the woman she had become acquainted with a few weeks ago. "You haven't been the same since the weekend Joseph was here. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Emily looked at Ann for a long moment, searching her eyes. "I haven't meant to worry you," she said finally. "There's really nothing you can do, it's just something I have to work through." She smiled a weak smile, trying in vain to reassure Ann. "Thank you for asking though." Sato and Heinrich came into the office at that point, and Ann knew the conversation was over.

Emily left the room soon after Ann. She needed to walk, to move. She knew it had taken a lot of courage for Ann to approach her, and she knew Ann had asked out of genuine concern, not idle curiosity. She just needed time. Time had worked before; it would this time, too.

She wandered through town, not knowing or caring where she went. She didn't know how long she walked, but she finally headed back to the Gundlach house. She hadn't spent much time with them lately. Polite conversation was just too hard right now.

She limped through the next few days, keeping herself focused on completing one task at a time. On Friday at lunchtime, she walked downtown. She needed some pens and envelopes, and there was a small stationery and art supply store on one of the side streets. As she approached the store, her eyes caught sight of a painting in the front window. She walked closer for a better view and felt as if someone had knocked the breath out of her.

It was an oil painting of the Shenandoah Valley in Virginia, a view from the Skyline Drive. She remembered the day Caroline had painted it. She'd gone for a long hike to give Caroline the solitude she needed. It had been one of Emily's favorites. Even Caroline had been pleased with it, and she was never happy with her work.

"Isn't it wonderful?" asked the owner of the store. "I just got it from a gallery in New Haven."

Emily turned without answering, and walked away. Nothing was in focus; the world seemed to be spinning. She felt as if she had no control over her legs, but they kept moving. At length, she found herself in the park in front of the little church. She stumbled into the darkness and climbed the hidden stairway to her loft. There she curled up in a small ball, hugging her knees to her chest, rocking. Slowly waves of tears welled from deep within.

Chapter 10

W
hen Ann arrived outside the French classroom Friday afternoon, she realized there were no voices. She peeked in and saw that the classroom was empty except for one student who was sitting at a desk studying.

"Didn't you have class today?" she asked the student.

The student shrugged. "Emily didn't show up. We don't know where she is."

Ann was really scared for Emily now. She anxiously sat through her own French class. As soon as it was over, she looked up the Gundlachs' number and called. Mrs. Gundlach answered the phone.

"Mrs. Gundlach," she said quickly, "this is Emily's friend, Ann. Is Emily there?"

"No, Ann," Mrs. Gundlach replied. "I haven't seen her since this morning."

"Okay," Ann said, trying to sound casual. "If you see her, please tell her I called."

"I will, my dear," Mrs. Gundlach promised.

Ann sat and tried to think of where Emily might have gone. She found Emily's red Honda in the parking lot, and left a note on the windshield.
'At least she hasn't left town,'
she thought. She went to the library, searching all the study rooms and tables where people often fell asleep on their books. From there she went to the language office, chiding herself for not going there first. None of the other grad students had seen her, and they were also worried when they realized she hadn't shown for class.

"Do any of you know of any places she goes to study or just get away?" she asked hopefully.

They shook their heads, and Ann was turning to leave the room when Heinrich said, "The only place I remember is in the park. I saw her coming out of the old church there one day."

Ann thanked him and almost ran to the park. She stopped to catch her breath before she entered the church. When she went in, it took a few minutes for her eyes to adjust to the dim light. Her heart fell as she saw the pews were empty. She sat down in one and said a spontaneous prayer asking that Emily be safe.

As she sat in the half-light, trying to think of where else she could look, she heard a low sound. She couldn't identify it at first. It sounded like a moan, as if wind were blowing through pine trees. But when she looked out the windows, the trees were still. She stood up and tried to isolate where the sound was coming from. It still seemed to be emanating from some place high. She wandered toward the front of the church, but the sound became fainter. As she circled to the rear, it was more distinct. She stumbled upon the stairway in the dark corner and climbed up.

There she saw Emily, hands over her face, sobbing uncontrollably. Ann sank down beside her, not sure what to do. Tentatively, she put one arm around her shoulders and pulled Emily to her. She held her tightly as Emily sobbed in her arms, her frail body racked with each wave of a sorrow that seemed bottomless.

"I'm here," Ann whispered. "I'm not going to leave you." Her own eyes filled with tears. What could have injured Emily this deeply?

After a very long time, Emily quieted and fell asleep on Ann's lap, exhausted. Ann watched her sleep, her tear dampened lashes dark against her cheek. She could imagine what she must have looked like as a child. She brushed the damp curls from Emily's forehead, surprised by how soft her hair was. Ann was filled with a tenderness and gentleness unlike anything she had ever felt. She wanted to protect Emily from this horrible hurt, but she didn't even know what it was.

Darkness had fallen when Emily stirred and sat up. "Where am I?" she asked, confused.

"It's all right," Ann said soothingly. "We're in the church in the park."

Emily began to remember. "Oh, Ann," she said, "I'm so sorry…"

"Don't even start," Ann ordered. "Are you okay to get up?" Emily nodded. "Then we're going to my apartment." Emily didn't argue. She seemed small and fragile.

Ann helped her to her feet, and they climbed down from the loft. Ann slipped her arm through Emily's, and guided her back to where the Toyota was parked. Emily didn't speak and Ann didn't push for conversation. When they got to her apartment, Ann turned on one low light. While Emily went to the bathroom to blow her nose and wash her face, Ann warmed some soup. They sat on the couch and ate in silence.

When Emily was done, Ann took the bowl and sat on the coffee table so she was face to face with her. "Now, what happened?" she asked gently, but firmly.

Emily closed her eyes, and mumbled, "I'm not sure where to start."

"At the beginning."

She opened her eyes, staring at nothing. "When I was a sophomore, I met a woman on campus who was an art major. Her name was Caroline Blake. She had red hair and green eyes. She was unlike anyone I had ever known. We fell in love."

Emily paused to see what impact her revelation had. Ann waited patiently for her to continue. "When I went to Europe, Caroline went with me. She painted while I studied. We were very happy together.

"After I got my Master's, we moved to Virginia where I taught high school French and German, and she painted. Some of her work sold, and she was beginning to develop a following.

"One day four years ago, a policeman came to call me out of class. He said that Caroline had been in an accident, and was being flown to UVA's trauma unit." Emily paused for a long time, lost in memories. Ann waited.

"When I got to UVA, Caroline's parents were already there. She was in intensive care, and the rules said immediate family only. Her parents ordered the hospital staff not to let me see her."

Ann's eyes filled with tears. Emily's face was blank.

"They stood in the corridor and screamed at me, accusing me of perverting their daughter. There was nothing I could do. She was in a coma. I stayed in Charlottesville for three days, hoping to get to see her. Then she died. Joseph said she never woke up." Ann reached out and placed a hand on Emily's knee, tears falling down her face. Emily seemed to be almost in a trance.

"When I got home, her parents had obtained a restraining order barring me from our house until they had removed her things. They took everything: her clothes, her paintings, her books, our photos. I had nothing but memories." She looked at Ann. "I loved her so much, and I never got to say goodbye," she finished softly.

Ann's heart was breaking, thinking of the pain Emily had been living with these last four years, but she sensed that Emily needed to bring this out from wherever she had kept it walled up. Ann refrained from moving to the couch to hold her.

"So Joseph was at UVA when all this happened?" she asked gently.

Emily nodded. "He was a med student. That's how he figured out where he knew me from the other weekend."

Finally Ann understood the downward spiral of these past few weeks. "But did something happen today that…" Ann wasn't sure what to call today's event, a breakdown? She felt as if she wasn't qualified to be the one Emily opened up to, but it didn't seem like a good idea to stop her now that she was finally talking.